Making It

Just wanted to pop in to let everyone know that I am making it.

My days are long.

I have a cold.

Yesterday was very emotional.

I heard "How was your summer?" over 50 times.

I lied in each response.

I have a pregnant girl on my team due just a couple of weeks before I would have been.

She drove me crazy at first.

She is growing on me.

I am exhausted.

I am just coasting.

Barely making it.

I told my administration.

She was helpful and very glad that I confined in her.

I cried off and on all day yesterday.

Today I was numb.

I will make it!

Back to Work

I am going back to work today. School is finally starting up. BOOOO HISSSS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

This summer didn't go the way I had planned. It started out great. I had fun with my friends and granny. I got wonderful news that I was pregnant. I got to enjoy feeling pregnant. We visited family and then it just all went bad.

I feel like the summer was tainted. I really would like a redo. I wouldn't trade being pregnant but something had to be better.

I haven't really spoken to anyone from work this summer. Two people from my team know. I plan to tell my administrators today just so they know why I might be acting different or whatever. I am sure someone will come up to me and say, "How are things going on the baby front?" or "How are you feeling these days?" OR "Are you pregnant? I just thought you would be this summer."

I plan to reply to all of the above with "Well, we were pregnant and I had a miscarriage two weeks ago. We are blessed to have been pregnant and plan to start trying again once I get my cycle." I will then say, "How was your summer?"

I hope to make people feel bad for being so insensitive. Oh well, I work with teachers, what do you expect!

To Be Happy

To Be Happy by Sara Evans

If I had one wish, I would wish for two
For me and you to be happy
With the way things are, sometimes gets hard
But, we've come so far to be happy

Yeah, don't think that I'm complaining
Sometimes it keeps on raining
Oh but don't be frightened by thunder and lightning
The sun comes out and the flowers grow
And you find you're already on the road to be happy
If I had one prayer to pull out of thin air
Everyone, everywhere would be happy
We'd hand out Valentines, I'd be yours, you'd be mine
There's a place, there's a time to be happy

Well we fuss and we fight
We can't see the light
We wake up and decide
We don't need to be right to be happy

Don't think that I'm complaining
Sometimes it keeps on raining
Oh but don't be frightened by thunder and lightning
The sun comes out and the flowers grow
And you find you're already on the road to be happy
If I had one prayer to pull out of thin air
Everyone, everywhere would be happy
We'd hand out Valentines, I'd be yours, you'd be mine
There's a place, there's a time to be happy

My prayer for all of us is to be happy. To have our dreams come true. To have our babies in our arms. To find true love. To be truly happy. I can find happiness without a child but I sure long for one like never before.

*D and I this song is for you!

Pregnacy Detective

Yes I am a pregnancy detective. I am pretty good at it. There are times I make up a story in my head and am totally wrong. I think I do that for self preservation. It is my way of getting myself ready for the news even when there is no news to share.

I watch signs of bellies. Are they getting bigger? How are those clothes fitting? Once I even thought this older woman was pregnant. I told a friend and she thought I was on crack. She said that she has always had a belly. I swore up and down that it now looked pregnant. She probably is in menopause. HA! But I was so sure.

I watch for signs of change in habits. Are they drinking? What are they drinking? What are they eating or not eating? How much are they eating? Do they look green? Are they going to the bathroom a million times in an hour span? I went to a happy hour with friends one day. One of my friends didn't drink anything. She usually is right there with me on the consumption level. She only had water. I was positive she had news to share but was holding out. She even didn't act like herself. Ummm months went by and she never shared any news. She wasn't pregnant. I am still waiting though even though a year has gone by.

I watch for the look. You know the look. The look of pity. The look of nervousness. The look of fear. All of these looks only happen when they are around you. They are thinking, "How do we break the news to them?" I have had it broken to me in person, privately at my home. I have been told at a bar. I had many drinks that night after the news. I have been told by the phone, through email, or through someone else. All of them are tough to swallow. I just try to be one step ahead of them at all times.

Anyone else watch the signs? Anyone else a skilled pregnancy detective? I should hire my skills out to other infertiles.

The Up's and Down's

This week has been full of up's and down's. During the day I am feeling good, flying high, holding tight and almost feeling normal. Then it doesn't take long for a comment, a belly, maternity clothes at Target, a tv show, whatever... to drop to a low.

When I drop I just got blah. I don't cry. Even though I wish I could. I just tune out. Grumps has caught me doing it a couple of times. I have some friends who can see it too. I hate it when I get there. The whole day felt normal and then it turns sour.

Yesterday everywhere I looked there were perfect little pregnant bellies. I turn my head quickly in hopes that my brain didn't register the site. HA! It doesn't work like that. Target had the best clothes all season. I didn't mean to even see them but they were on the edge where I had to walk. I stared as a pregnant woman with a tiny belly tried a jacket on. I almost lost it there.

I got a phone call last night from my sister in law thanking me for the baby gift that I sent. She is due in 2 weeks. Thank the Lord we live hundreds of miles away. The last time I had spoken to her was with our good news of being pregnant. I could hear the sadness in her voice as she asked how I was doing. I am the best liar in the world. "GREAT!!! School starts next week. We are having a karaoke party here tomorrow night. Everything is going well." You could tell that she was taken aback. I just wanted to avoid the entire topic all together. It worked! I not only am a master at liar I rock at ending a phone conversation.

Finally I went upstairs to watch Windfall. It has been one of my favorite shows all summer. Of course the stupidest character gets pregnant. Not only does it show her going to the doctor, it shows her u/s. First of all, she is too early to have an external u/s done to her. Secondly the baby looked to be at 12 weeks or more. Impossible. Finally she heard the heartbeat. LOUD! I cried. We didn't get that pleasure.

Does anyone have a clue when the ups and downs will end? I doubt they will ever be over. I don't even think getting pregnant will take care of them. I am sure I will be so worried then that the downs will appear just like they are now. It just drives me nuts how sudden they hit. I can't do anything to stop them! Vicadin anyone! I have 3 left!

The Hope Chest

Today was cleaning day. My house had just fallen a part. We are having a karaoke party here on Friday. I needed to get things in order. It felt good to clean house for once.

I started vaccuming the upstairs and realized that the maternity clothes and sweet cards that I had thrown down the hall to 'the room' needed to be picked up. So I picked them up and decided to just put it all away. One by one I placed things in my hope chest. I thought that I would have cried and though about it all. I would have held each item in my hand and thought about our baby. I didn't. I just put them all in the chest, closed it and moved on. Scary.

I did keep out our only picture of our baby. I just couldn't put it in the chest to leave forever. It is now in my room. It isn't super close but close enough that I know that it is there. I wonder if Grumps will notice. And if he does I wonder if he will say anything. Probably not. He is trying to move on too.

My Crazy Brain

My brain is on the fritz. It doesnt' work the way it is suppose to work these days. I can't concentrate. When I do I lose it so fast that I forgot what I was thinking about before. I try to remember things and that is impossible. There is just a big blank space.

At night I go to bed and begin to pray through my mental list when all of a sudden I am not praying any more. I am off in lala land lost. Not asleep but just lost.

When I talk at times my words come out so mushed or incomplete. I have to have a translator to help me get my thoughts across.

I need a fresh brain. I clean start. I guess I will just blame it all on hormones, grieving... When will it go back to normal?

Now a Dream

I wanted to post this song for my baby. Now I post it for my miracle to be.

Things We've Handed Down

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But we could only go so far

Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
There someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can

Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl

Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade

And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed

By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

Marc Cohn

Not Alone

It is amazing how sometimes you just feel so alone in your pain but when you look up from it all you see that you aren't the only one here.

A couple of nights ago Grumps had to go to bed early. I wasn't in the mood for tv. I had my book down in the basement with me but it didn't sound fun either. So I began to search and read blogs from other blogs. I found some amazing woman with very sad stories. I sat at my computer and cried and cried and cried. I cried for me but I mainly cried for them. I have added some new blogs to my sidebar.

In my real life I have many friends who have gone through this awful journey. Some are still on it and totally grieve with me. Others have been on it and have moved onto my dream journey. But the look in their eyes and the hugs that they give speak millions. They have walked in my shoes and can still remember that awful pain.

I also have friends who haven't gone through this and I am glad for them. It is very hard for them to watch me stumble along on my journey. They try so hard to help carry me. I am very grateful for them. I can see in their eyes the pain as well. It is the pain for me. They feel lost at what to say and do but they have done an amazing job. I am so proud of their courage.

I am so glad I am not alone. Being alone on this journey would be a place where I just don't know if I could make it one step further. But most of all I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has walked this journey before me and is ALWAYS there for me.

*Thanks D for the talk and wine today. I needed it more than words! LOVE YOU!

Sanitary Napkins

I am sitting here at my computer with a WONDERFUL glass of wine. This is one of the only reasons I can be glad that I am not pregnant. I truly missed drinking. But that is for another post on another day.

Yes, I am wearing sanitary napkins or pads for short. I had to go and buy them the day there was no heartbeat. I took I along with me to figure out just what I needed. I haven't worn pads since I started my period almost 20 years ago. WOW I am sure old! I had no clue what I was buying. I just didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night covered in blood. I had an awful picture from one of my favorite books stuck in my mind every night when I would go to bed.

So I bought Always ultra thin with wings for day and also the HUGE DIAPER ones for night. I HATE pads. I hate them with a passion. I feel like I am wearing a diaper. There are times that I can actually hear it move around and make that awful embarrassing sound. I even warned my friends about it at times.

Well this morning I went to put the freaking pad on and actually read what was on the little paper that sticks to the wings. Have a Happy Period! WHAT THE HECK!!! Of course I couldn't stop laughing but truly who has a happy period? Who decided on that great marketing idea? A man?

I told Grumps about it tonight when I went to change it again. Sorry for all the changing of pads but I truly hate them with a passion. DIRTY DIRTY THINGS! Grumps couldn't stop laughing at the thought of it saying, Have a Happy Period! He started thinking of other ways to use period as their marketing tool. His favorite was, "Every month ends in a period!"

Has anyone else noticed that little saying on their pads?

*As I was looking for pictures for this blog I actually found a website where you can make your own. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!!

The Art of Coasting

I went to church today. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in bed. The thought of seeing the faces of so many who know what happened to me just made me uncomfortable.

Grumps had to work so I would be walking in alone. I timed it perfectly. I didn't want to go to the cafe for breakfast where I would sit around and have to engage in small talk. I walked into the building with a look of purpose on my face. I didn't allow eye contact to happen. I looked for my friends who I always sit with and beelined right to them.

I could feel the eyes on me. I know that it means that I am loved but I just didn't want to break down in front of the world. Before the music began I got a big hug from my friends mother in law. Tears welled up and I just laughed it all off and quickly asked her if she would take me in as one of her daughters. I turned to the other side and caught eyes with someone else. It wasn't a matter of seconds when I felt a cheek touching mine and a quick kiss. I was proud of her for not going on and on about me and her experience. The timing was perfect for the music to begin.

After the music I knew that people were thinking, How Can I get to Her? I just coasted by. I would get a quick hug and coast right by. I was trying hard to get to the bathroom but ran into many of my dear friends.

More hugs came. More "I am doing okay" came out. BUT I perfected the art of coasting. I am a pro at changing the subject. Moving the conversation along or just ending them. It felt good to be loved but it felt good to hold the control.

Mommy's Love Goes With You

I found this today. It couldn't have been more perfect.

Forgetting

The other day after visiting the room I came back to bed to find that I was forgetting my little one. I was forgetting the entire experience. I felt lost.

Last weekend when I was trying to cope with the news I began to push everything away. I believe I was just trying to forget to just deal with the now. My friend D asked me if that was what I was doing, trying to forget. It caught me off guard for a bit but I told her that I guess I was trying to do that. I was trying to just cope. Forgetting was coping. I just wanted to move on and start over and not hurt.

That moment when I couldn't remember anything I just cried in Grumps arms. I was scared that I would not remember my little one and the amazing experience that we had for 8 weeks. Grumps was just precious. He held me and began to retell me all that had happened. He reminded me of my little belly that was popping and how I loved to rub it. He just whispered it all to me in the dark while I cried holding the bear blanket as if I was holding my little one. We both went to sleep in tears that night. I vowed not to ever push it all away into the dark parts of my mind again. I needed to grieve and remember and not forget so that I could heal.

I still am not sure what I will do with our little picture. It is in a beautiful frame from a friend. We had planned to update that frame with each new picture we received. Now the picture and frame are in the room. Do I bring it into my room? Do I just let it go? I truly am torn. Maybe I need to wait a bit longer to decide. But everytime I close my eyes I see my little one with its precious heart beating away.

Over the Rainbow

I heard this song today and thought of my little one.

My little one is somewhere over the rainbow where dreams come true. Where life is safe. Where it is sweet. One day I will be over the rainbow with my little one in my arms. Until then I can only dream of that amazing place that holds my little one safe and sound.


Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I?

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?

Music That Touches My Soul

There are so many songs that totally touch my soul. They minister to me over and over again. Today while searching iTunes I found a couple. This one truly says it all for me today!

Cry Out To Jesus

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Mountain Of God

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Both songs are by Third Day

I hope they touch you too in your hard times no matter what they might be.

My First Outing

Today was my first outing out of the house besides going to K's for pizza night. I had a dentist appointment. I told them when they called to remind me that I had a 'procedure' on Monday and would it still be okay to come. I caught the receptionist off guard with, "I had a miscarriage yesterday."

So I went. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted my teeth cleaned and to be done with it. My head, back and belly still hurt. I am in no place to talk to strangers. But guess what she asked me?

Are you pregnant? Or just had a baby?

HA! I said, "Nope, I just had a miscarriage." She felt like crap and tried really hard to backpedal out of that one. She saw Prenatal vitamins on my little form. She just assumed.

She tried to cover her tracks with "Well it seems that the percentage is pretty high for miscarriages." I am not sure if that was an attempt to make me feel better. I was fighting for my life not to let tears stream down my face. She then asked how far along I was. I really thought by now that she would have just dropped it.

8 weeks

"Wow!" Was her response.

"Do you have any children?" Was her next question.

Nope.

"I just thought that maybe you had other children."

Nope.

The conversation moved on to my haircut and color. It moved onto my gums and flossing. It moved on to 3 cavities. But in my head it was still there. I had a miscarriage. I was 8 weeks. Last week I was pregnant. This week I am not.

Guess what? I don't want to leave my house again. Stuff like this comes up in conversation all the time. It was so much easier saying, "My husband and I don't have children. We are waiting on God. We have been trying for 3 1/2 years." But now what do you say?

I guess, "We are still waiting on our little miracle."

The Room

We have a room where all of our babies things are. All of the cards, gifts, clothes, memories hide.
I look down the hall and see that room. It is a sad place. It was going to be the nursery. I was counting down the days until I got to work on it. Now it is just a bed covered in memories.

Grumps finally shut the door to it the other day. Every time I looked down the hall I could see all the memories stacked high on the bed. Little by little we have been picking up the memories and hiding them away in that room. One day I will box those things up for safe keeping.

I had to take something to the room the other day. Usually I just make a quick drop off. I don't look at the piles. I don't think about all that is there. I just drop and leave with my head down. This day as I dropped off I's thank you card I stopped. I stopped and touched the memories. I grabbed hold of the baby's teddy bear blanket. I held it and cried. I pulled out our babies picture and stared at it with heartache. I didn't want to leave the room. It was like I was locking away my baby forever.

I couldn't stay there any longer. It was just too hard so I left. But I left with that blanket from I. I took it back to my room. I curled up in bed with it. I cried for my baby. I hold it close while I recover from letting my baby go. I don't think it will be going back to the room for a while.

So Blessed

I am so blessed to have friends who totally know how to carry someone in a really hard time. It is amazing how each person has hit perfectly on a need without even knowing it. I don't even know how to thank them all. They have blessed our lives more than words.

We have received flowers, cards, emails, phone calls, wine, visits, food, and more.

I know it is hard coming up to a house where you just aren't sure what you will find inside during a really tough time. I have been the one on the other side of the door before. Your stomach is in knots. You are so nervous. But now that I am on the other side of the door, to open it and see my friends with open arms has been such a healing and blessing to us.

There have been days where all I wanted to do was hide forever in my room. Because my friends love me so much they haven't let me do that. They have walked with us during a very dark time in our lives. THANK YOU for being there.

There are just too many to name but you know who you are. We love you and thank God for you!

An Angel in Heaven

I wanted to let all of you know that we now have an angel in heaven.

We went in for our 8 week sonogram and found that the baby didn't have a heart beat. We were very devistated. My doctor wanted to confirm this with a sonogram from a radiologist before we take care of it all. Today it was confirmed.

I never thought we would be here today. BUT I am so blessed to have had 8 weeks of life growing inside of me. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Life is an amazing thing. I am still blown away with how small cells are formed so simply.

We are sad. Our hearts are heavy. All of our baby things are being moved to our hope chest. I even went and bought new clothes yesterday so that I have things to wear.

Thank you all for your many prayers and thoughts these past weeks. I have felt surrounded by love and peace.

We are still praying for our little miracle. It will happen some day!