A Blue Week

This week has been a major blue week. I am so over the timed sex, temperature sticking, muscus checking. It hit me that I just wasn't ready for this. I cried the first time we tried this week. Of course I kept it from Grumps. Why should I make him worry?

I thought we were done with all of this.

I could barely keep it together this week. I felt like I was falling apart, unraveling, drowning, and suffocating. The weight was crushing on my chest.

I took baths to relax. I went on walks by myself. I spent time with God. Nothing seemed to really work. It must have been the prayers last night because I woke up finally feeling like me.

At one point this week early in the morning I decided that if we did not have our miracle by my due date we might just have to quit. I am not sure I can continue this roller coaster much longer.

Let's hope and pray that tonight will be the winner shot!

Raise Your Hand

Okay I have been wanting to do this for awhile.

Raise your hand if you are a part of this infertile club?

Just shoot out a comment.

I know there are many who read who don't comment. I am just curious.

I know that there are many who read who aren't part of this club. I AM SO GLAD! But I do thank you for your support and for reading. It is helping teach others to be sensitive and aware.

I know there are also many who read who used to be a part of this group. I want to hear from you too.

Don't be shy!

Night Time

I am asleep every night by 9 even on the weekends. There is something wrong with this picture. My eyes get so heavy that I can't even begin to hold them open anymore.

Today Grumps and I went for a walk. (I desperately need to lose this 'baby' weight.) He couldn't believe that I was asleep before he even came upstairs. We were trying to figure out the reason. It hit me, well it sort of has been lingering for a while in the back of my mind. I work so hard during my day to be normal and myself that by the time evening falls I am gone. I am just too exhausted to stay awake.

It takes so much energy to be normal. Anyone else feel this way?

Oprah

I emailed Oprah today. Crazy I know but it has been on my mind for a long time.

Infertility needs to be addressed. The world needs to know about us, the infertiles and what it is like to be in our shoes. There needs to be a level of sensitivity place on people. People speak before they think.

I am sure my little email will get lost among the millions but I needed to do my part. I believe she did a show in woman trying after 40. But there is more to it then that. I found a little article on her website about infertility. It didn't even scratch the surface.

Here is my little email. We all shall see if anything happens with it. Maybe it was a stupid idea. Who knows?

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. We thought the road to a child would be an easy process. We had saved ourselves for marriage and truly believed that when the time was right we would get pregnant. We never thought we would be a part of the fast growing infertility community. I call infertility the silent disease. More people are talking about it now but for such a long time it was never talked about. I remember growing up and there being many couples without children. I just assumed that they didn't want kids. It never occurred to me that they couldn't have children. There are so many reasons for infertility. There are also so many different treatments and tests that women and men go through daily just to maybe have the hope for a child. I believe that it needs to be talked about more. I believe that women and men need to know that they aren't alone. They don't have to be ashamed. I also would like those who have not gone through infertility to try to understand what it is like. People can be so hurtful and insensitive without even realizing it. Maybe if they knew what it is like to desperately want a child they would reconsider their advice, opinions and comments. I know that just relaxing, getting a dog, beginning the adoption process or getting drunk one night will not give me a child. People just need to be aware of us, the infertility community. It is a fast growing community. On the internet there are many message support groups where women ban together for support and advice. There are also hundreds of blogs where women share their story. I began a blog a couple of years ago after feeling that others needed to know that they weren't alone and it was okay to be sad. There are some amazing stories that women share. The heartache is huge. I have read stories where women have tried for years and never gave up the fight. There are others who have had numerous miscarriages and yet continue to get up and go to work. Their stories inspire me. They show me the true strength and spirit of woman. Thank you for your time. I hope you will consider looking into doing a show about infertility. It needs to be talked about.

Alone Time

I took some time today to just be me and be alone. I skipped church. I needed to not be around people.

Last week I was out after work every night. Yesterday I was gone most of the day and night. In fact yesterday I woke up with a very heavy heart. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't have a choice and am glad I did get out but knew that I needed today to just be.

I busyed myself with a book, nap and tv time. I waited late into the day to shower. I put on clean pjs and got right back into bed. I plan to have a very quiet week. I need to get my mind prepared for the egg drop and the sperm launch.

They Entered Heaven

together...

When I was pregnant my mom told me of a girl at her church who was due the day before me. I immediatley felt a bond with her even though I had never met her.

After my miscarriage I continued to think about her and pray for her. One day my mom called to ask me to pray for a girl at her church who had just lost her baby to heaven. My heart broke for this person I had never met. I asked my mom if it was the girl whose baby was due the day before mine. She said yes.

I began to pray and cry for her. She was my bond. She was to have the baby since I lost mine to heaven. But she was walking in the same shoes that I am was walking in.

I have since emailed her and told my story. She told me her's.

Our baby's entered heaven together. She was 13 weeks when they realized her baby went to heaven 7 weeks before. Her baby went to heaven at 6 weeks just like my baby. Our babies turned into angels together.

One day I hope to meet A. I also hope to meet her baby in heaven. I am sure our babies are the best of friends since they entered heaven together.

Quiet Time

Thank you D for the beautiful worship music. It was my quiet time with God this morning on the way to work.

I was covered in His presence and felt renewed for the day. I worked very hard to keep all tears in my eyeballs and not down my face. We have to look good for work.

I will leave you with the words that will continue to repeat themselves throughout my head all day to give me strength.

"I will call on Him as long as I live!"

No doubt that is forever true! Even in the darkest nights or the brightest days I will call on Him the Maker of all!

She's HERE!!!

Aunt Flow started a party yesterday. She brought her friends along for the ride as well.

It has been so long since I have had her come visit. I have really missed her. I am hoping that this is her last visit though for a long time. I hope she leaves me with some luck!

I even pulled out the trusty old thermometer. I even remember before I bolted for the bathroom at 5am to grab 4 Advil. Let's all keep our fingers crossed for an excellent result at the end of this month!!!

Things My

Mother in Law has said.

"You might want to lose a little weight before you get pregnant again. You dont' want to start off fat."

"My d&c didn't hurt me." (Her's was for menopause reasons.)

After I shared my heart about letting people see God's strength she talked to us about repentence and then said, "That is my sermon for today." What does that mean? It is because of our sins?

And the best yet...

"You know after you have one miscarriage you are more likely to have 1, 2 or even three. I just want you to be prepared when you have your next one."

You just got to love her!

left out

I went to the mall yesterday to pick up a few things. I thought that I would go into the Christian book store to see if they had any good books on miscarrying or infertility. I have one good infertility book but was in the mood to read something else.

I find the section labeled Wellness and begin to look. I find books for your marriage, abuse, all different life issues. I finally get down on the floor and begin to look. There on the bottom self next to books for loss of a spouse and mother there are 2 books that fit what I am looking for.

The first book is about infertility. BUT it is a woman's journey. I am all about journeys. I am on one myself. That is what this blog is all about. But the book was put into chapters according to dates. I didn't feel like she really touched on anything. I wanted to be able to find a chapter and read it out of order. It just wasn't what I was looking for.

The other book was for those who have experienced miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, and young baby death. WOW! All of those are so different. Yes they all deal with death and loss but so very different on so many different levels. But it was cheap and I bought it. I also bought a book by Max Lucado dealing with loss.

As I was searching for books my heart was so sad. It was sad for me but really more for those who come searching. There were hundreds of books on marriage, singlehood, parenting, even addictions. I can see the couple coming in after a loss looking for the book to answer some questions or help them not feel so alone. I can see their faces when all they find is those 2 sad books stuck in between other books that don't even fit where they are.

Yes, I am sure I could go online and find books but I wanted a Christian book right in my hands right then. Yes, I could go to a big named bookstore and find books but I wanted a Christian prospective.

I felt left out.

The Biggest Fake

Man am I the biggest fake ever or what?

I know how to put the biggest smile on.

I have the "Yeah, Congratulations!" down pat!

I can make everyone think that I am just fine.

But when I get behind closed doors or in my car or in bed in the dark I fall apart.

I had one of those Fake Moments first thing this morning. One of my only good friends at work pulled me into my classroom before school started. I thought I had hurt her feelings or something from the way she looked at me. Then she started to tell me that she is pregnant.

I should have one an Academy Award. I was so good and putting on the fake. I told her that I was in a good place and would be fine. She cried. I hugged her and didn't even shed a tear. THAT is how good I am. She is 2 months pregnant, due in April, the month after me.

I received this wonderful news right before the kids came in. What great news to have hanging over your head all day. I didn't really let it sink in until my drive home after Back to School Night. I cried. I let the fake take a break.

I even faked it through her saying, "Yes it is a little early to be telling people and my son, BUT I have had 2 successful pregnancies without any problems. I am pretty sure that this will be just perfect. I don't ever have any problems." THANK GOD my kids starting coming in and I am not a person who takes things to heart like that.

But it did sting for just a minute as she left.

The pregnant girl on my team hasn't shut up a bit about her joy, boobs, belly, back, emotions, hunger, head, YOU NAME IT! Including baby. I fake it so well that she actually thinks I enjoy being a part of those conversations.

Anyone else want to join the BIGGEST FAKERS CLUB? We could have tshirts made!

Heart

I met with my friend's parents the other night. They wanted to visit with us. They too have a baby in heaven waiting on them.

We talked from our heart. We talked of God's faithfulness. We talked about being used by God.

The biggest part of the evening that really hit my heart so perfectly was our baby is like a heart on a necklace. We wear it wherever we go. It is always close to us.

Thank you for the gift that will always remind us of our little one who has our hearts. Thank you for the sweet words of comfort and encouragement.

Now It Begins

I got my first Parenting magazine today.

I tried to stop it.

I thought it worked.

I guess I was wrong.

I wonder if I will now get the coupons and diapers.

I get the emails.

Nothing I do stops them.

Anyone need a Parenting magazine? I am sure I will get one next month too.

Lost

In my last post I said, "lost her baby".

I HATE SAYING THAT!

I guess I said it because it wasn't about me. But when I talk about our baby I don't say lost. I might say miscarriage or even just talk as if she is still alive. (I believe in my heart it was a girl. We both wanted a little boy but I just knew it was a girl.) I also say, "When we were pregnant..."

Saying, "We lost the baby" is like we forgot it at the store and couldn't find it again.

I never lost it. She is so in my heart and in my thoughts all the time.

Today in church as our pastor talked of heaven, I imagined meeting my little one and crying tears of joy. I battled over there not being tears in heaven. I can't imagine not seeing my baby without crying.

Last night I fell asleep pretty early. Grumps made me go on this ridiculous hike. I was pretty beat. I remember waking up just barely as Grumps was settling in for bed. He opened my arms to hold the baby bear/blanket that Snaps gave us. I wish I could have seen his eyes. I am sure they would have been sad. I am sure he thought what I think every time I hold it. "I wish I was holding my baby."

I never lost my baby. I know exactly where she is. She is waiting for me.

Dreams

I dreamt of the nursery last night. I dreamt that I took Grumps shopping for everything. I had forgotten about the dream until I started shopping online for my new little nephew.

When I was pregnant my mom and I went 'shopping'. It was more like window shopping. My family doesn't live near us but I wanted my mom to feel part of it all. Since my brother's baby my mom calls many times during the week. She just wants to talk, chat or whatever. It is her way of making sure I know that it will be okay.

She emailed me to tell me that a girl at her church had lost her baby last week. She was 2 weeks after me. They have been trying for a couple of years. When my mom first told me about her it was when I was pregnant. She thought it was so cool to have someone in her church due around the same time as me. My heart broke to know that she lost her baby. I am sure my mom is taking care of her just like she would have taken care of me.

Back to my dream. I am holding onto it as a sign. What do you think? Doesn't it sound promising? I never dream baby dreams. I think it is my bodies way of letting me for once not think about it. But not last night. The night when I had the best sleep in forever I dreamt about the nursery.

Glory Baby

D, I believe this is your song. I found it the other day and had to share it with the rest of you. It is priceless.

Glory baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Talk

Today and I guess yesterday I really talked 'pregnant talk' with the pregnant girl on my team. I guess I have moved on a bit or at least disconnected myself with it all.

She is at 16weeks and really isn't showing. She is still wearing her old clothes. Today I saw her belly do a little pop at the end of the day but still. I look bigger than she does. At 8 weeks I really looked bigger and I am not that big. She is not that little either.

She is all worried. I tried to calm her fears. Of course bad thoughts were running through my head. SO BAD! She goes in for a check up next week. I thought it was for today. I told her this morning that I was praying for her. She has been on my mind. I would hate for her to have to go through a miscarriage. It truly is hell.

She wouldn't shut up about being pregnant and all that jazz today. She kept saying, "You know what I mean." Then she all of a sudden realized my situation. She knew it before but it finally hit. She felt awful. She kept apologizing. I told her that there wasn't a need for that. I was in a good place. Of course afterwards, while at home feeling sorry for myself, I hated her.

It is just really weird talking about what it feels like being pregnant when I am not anymore. Weird.

*Oh Grumps and I did the deed this weekend. It was good ole drunk sex. I was positive that Aunt Flow was on her way. Guess what? I oed the next day. WHAT THE HECK? Fingers crossed all is well no matter the outcome in a couple of weeks. Trying not to worry.

Precious Child

I have spent a lot of time on Fertility Friend helping and getting help from others during this loss. Today I found this song. It was perfect.

PRECIOUS CHILD

Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Just a Memory

The flowers are all dead.

Everything is put away.

The only things left of those 8 weeks are a sweet picture in my room and the memories.

*Not sure why comments are showing up. I didn't want them.

Relating

I am a talker. I try to relate to everyone. I love the be apart of the conversation. Lately at work I have been surrounded by pregnant people. Okay, not that many but enough to be in the middle of the conversation.

I hear, "Man, it sure is hard not to drink being pregnant." "My boobs have just gotten so big." "I am so tired."

Guess what comes to my mind? Oh me too! But wait, not anymore. I have almost started talking about being pregnant so many times. I don't fit into that circle anymore. I have nothing to show for my 8 weeks. I feel stupid giving my 10 cents.

The other day, one of the girls on my team asked if anyone had a spare mattress. I spoke up, "Oh we do. My husband has been wanting to get rid of it. It is old but we do." Then reality came and I realized that we won't be taking down the spare bedroom for the nursery this month. I had to tell her that I forgot, we will still be using it for a bit. UGH!

Anyone else feel like they don't fit in anymore?

Bittersweet

I got a call from my mom a couple of days ago letting me know that they were driving down to my brother's. His wife was going to have their baby some time this weekend. The thought was bittersweet.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that they were on their way to the hospital. My brother called later in the evening to tell me that she was at 4 cm. This entire time my heart was heavy for me. I hate that! At 3:30 am my mom calls to tell me that the little one was born. They were blessed with a boy with a head of blond hair.

This morning my mom calls me to tell me more details. I listened. I asked questions. I pretended to be totally excited. In my heart of hearts I am for them. I am excited. I can't even fathom my little brother being a father. BUT I can see his face and his tears and his smile. I can see how proud he must be. I know that he will be wonderful but my heart is once again heavy.

When I got off the phone I tried very hard to wrap my brain around it. I tried hard not to cry. Not to feel sorry for myself. This isn't about me. It is about them. They deserve happiness. Noone deserves to have heartache and pain and loss.

I am thankful that we don't live near them. We have the perfect reason not to see the baby. Actually we aren't even sure when we will see them next. Christmas is still up in the air for us. Should we go on a trip? Should we stay home? Should we go see family? I guess it all depends when we get pregnant again.

I will try very hard to be a good sister and sound happy. I will try very hard to keep it together today when we go hang out with friends and their kids. I will try very hard not to feel sorry for myself. I will try very hard to not get the blahs.

Life sure is bittersweet!