The Closet

I finally cleaned out my closet.

2 garbage bags of clothes that don't fit any more. I am tired of keeping them around.

Sweaters now fill my closet.

While cleaning things up I found a baby outfit for a friend. Cute, pink, 3 months. I threw it across my room. I later threw it into the room of doom.

I wish I was a couple of sizes smaller.

I wish that outfit was for my little girl.

I wish I was pulling out my maternity clothes instead of my old winter sweaters.

The Memories

Lately the memories have been coming in a flood.

I remember ...

rubbing my belly.

the clothes I wore.

my trips and conversations about our little one.

the night I didn't feel well far from home.

the day I began to crave sweets again.

when I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired.

when we were so excited about seeing our baby again but I began to have that mother worried feeling.

I will NEVER forget...

the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life.

the look on my doctors face.

feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone.

trying to stay in control and begging Grumps not to touch me.

walking out of the exam room and watching the faces of the other nurses and doctors. Seeing tears in their eyes and feeling their hugs and kind words.

not being able to speak or talk or think.

hoping for a miracle.

crying late at night.

wanting to all be over but wanting to never forget our little one.

how my friends rallied around us with amazing support.

THANK YOU

for all of the emails, cards, calls, talks, and hugs.

I am feeling better. Each day the blue gets further away. I feel it creeping in here and there but God and I push it away.

I have my head above the water again as I am treading away.

Thank you all for doing what you do best!

Home

I stayed home today from work. I am a teacher and that is a hard task to do. But I knew that I just wouldn't make it.

I wasn't feeling well but not just physically. I fell the fake mask crumbling. I feel myself falling quickly apart.

I talked with friends today. It is therapy for me. But I still have a heavy heart.

I actually shed a few tears today. I usually tear up when I talk to people. I tear up when I am in public but in private I am dry. It felt good to just cry a bit.

I cried to God. I told Him how I was so tired. I was tired of trying. I wasn't even sure I want a child anymore. We all know that I do but... The burden is too heavy these days. I would love to take a break from it all. I would love to put my thermometer back in the drawer but the fact that my endometriosis grows more and more with each cycle, it really makes me afraid.

I am just thankful that I took time for me today. I am feeling better. I really am.

*I am still not caught up with all my tv though. :)

My Sweet Husband!!!!

I talk crap about Grumps all the time. My real life friends know what I mean. He is a wonderful man but can be so funny sometimes.

I haven't really talked about my blues with him this week. I want to spare him the worries. But I know that he knows. I know that he feels it all around me. I love him for not even bringing it up.

Today Grumps left for a work trip for a couple of days. When I got home after he had put a card out for me. I had put one out from him at the beginning of the week to apologize for my ugliness.

He told me he bought the card weeks ago but I know it was meant for today.

Here it is:

Love is...
more than just hearts
and flowers
and romance,
more than candlelit dinners
and moments of intimate sharing.
Love lasts beyond
those initial stages...
It is understanding
through the difficult times,
laughing together
when things are good,
or laughing together
to keep from crying
when things couldn't seem
to go more wrong.
It is patience and compassion,
compromise and healing.
Love is everything
we share together.
Because to me,
love is
and always will be
you.

HOW PERFECT!!!!

I LOVE GRUMPS!!!

A New Place

I can't wrap my brain around where I am right now.

I am low. Check, been there!

I am tired. Check, I am always there!

I want to give up. Check, been there before.

I feel forgotten. This feeling is a little new and really stupid.

The other day in my class, which I love by the way, I had to pull sweatshirts off 7 year olds. This is nothing knew. I have done many things to help 7 year olds. But this one moment, with the true love that I have for them, time stood still.

Thoughts began to run through my head. I WANT THIS! I don't just want the baby. I WANT it all!

I couldn't breathe as time stood still. I almost couldn't move. I wanted to just either hold those kids in my arms or walk right out of my classroom door. I HAVE NEVER felt like that with my teacher hat on.

Then the questions began to fly through my head. Will I have a child? Should I go back to the doc? Should I looking into a RE? Should we be more aggressive? Should we adopt? I brought the last question up to Grumps and he just spoke before thinking like usual.

I HATE WHERE I AM~ I was okay with seeing bellies, babies, children, families. Now that is slipping through my fingers. How can I live and not notice all that?

How can I get back to my old place?

Over Do It

I do this well.

I over commit. I keep myself busy. I will spend an entire day out of the house and come home exhausted.

I spend time with friends. I do favors for them. I don't always know what I do to stay busy.

BUT this busyness ALWAYS comes to the same ending crashing.

I crash and burn. I fall apart. I turn into mush. I don't want to leave my bed. I don't want to think. I don't want to talk. I don't want to be cheered up.

I am holding by a thread right now.

Finished

I finished my grieving blanket.

I will tell you more about it later.

With pictures.

Each Cycle

Will I be sad?

That is the question Grumps asked me today. YES I cried. I will be sad each time until I get my miracle and keep it. How can I not be sad?

Grumps has no clue and I told him that. He doesn't feel the cramps, the change, the tenderness that makes me continue to wonder. He doesn't check his temperature each morning. He doesn't watch the cervical mucus change. He just baby dances.

I know it is hard on him BUT if I want to be sad each month I have the right to be. I told him that he needed to take care of me each time I get sad. I shouldn't feel guilty when I have a sad day.

With my friend and her heartache and all the pregnant woman surrounding me I feel like I am drowning. I know I will stay a float. I always do. I know I will try again each month. I know that I will keep trying. BUT it hurts every time. It hurts more and more and more.

The endo grows back more and more each month. People continue to lap me each month. I feel more alone each month.

I was hoping to give a present at Christmas to my family. I was hoping to be 3 months pregnant. I was hoping to share the news. I was hoping to be able to hold my new nephew without crying. Yes, I have 2 more months until Christmas but the doubt has set in.

By the way, my temperature dropped and I started spotting.

Low low low

It is amazing how news can totally wipe you out and make your day just suck.

Just last week D and I were so excited of the possibility of being pregnant together. Now I only hope we can drink together.

I seriously doubt I am pregnant. I am not even sure I want to be this month. My heart is just hurting. I feel so low.

I offered to make D some dump cake now I feel the need for some myself. Forget trying to lose some wait. Eating to make yourself feel better is the most important thing right?

Anyone else having a low low low day? week? year? life?

All the Angels in Heaven

Today is a day of remembrance for all the little angels in heaven.

It was going to be a hard day for my friend but it was lined in hope and excitement.

Today my friend's baby would have been in our arms. We would have taken pictures, ooed and awed. We would have toasted to life and the future. But she lost her baby to heaven in March.

She was dreading today. It has been sitting heavy on her heart for months. The countdown to October 15th. But God had give her a little surprise. She had found out this she was pregnant. We were all beside ourselves. If I got my bfp we would be only 5 days a part.

Last night we talked about me testing early and today coming.

This morning I woke up not feeling it in my gut to test. So I prayed for my friend and her baby. I went downstairs and check my email to find she has lost another baby to heaven. It all happened this morning on an already sad day.

Today was suppose to be a day that had hope attached to sadness. Now it is just sadness. My heart is beyond heavy for her. It is breaking for her. I want to fix it and make it all better. I want to erase today. I want to hold her hand as she sees her babies. But all I can do now is pray, comfort, listen, and pray some more.

If you know anyone who has lost a baby to heaven pray for them today. Remember their loss. And say a prayer for my friend.

The Word is...

OUT!

It has been slowly leaking out to different people at school. They have been afraid to confirm it with me.

When I went back to work, it was just all too soon, too fresh to share with anyone. I told only a handful.

Now people ask about me, my situation, my absence of a child. I have had the guts to just spill the beans. It has felt good. I kind of just through it out there. You can see my words hit pretty hard.

OR those who have known secretly steer the conversation to my 'issues' hoping I will share. When I do share they act SO SHOCKED that it is very obvious.

I can't wait to share GOOD news and watch that spread like wildfire.

Emails

Okay I have cancelled all memberships or emails that are pregnancy based.

YET I continue to recieve a weekly update.

I got an email saying "You are pregnant and at 16 weeks."

Ummm NEWSFLASH I would be at 16 weeks but it all ended 8 weeks ago.

How do you get off those freaking lists?

Too Soon?

The mindgames have started!

I am only 6 days past ovulation and I have already started. STOP ME PLEASE!!!

I have a scratchy throat.

Headache.

Tired.

Backache.

Crampy.

Grumpy.

I know that it is just... okay I don't know. BUT we all know that it is too early to feel and know anything.

I know that I am just going to shoot myself in the foot for this post. If nothing happens I look stupid. If something happens you will all want to know and I don't know if I can share especially since real life people read.

Please just tell me to shut up and stop all this crazyiness!

Heart Time

Grumps and I had wonderful heart time tonight. We ate on the deck and enjoyed the weather, food and wine.

We talked about heart matters. We talked about infertility, me getting pregnant, sharing with others, heartache, you name it. It felt good to share and not be afraid.

Grumps listened. He added his ten cents. We connected.

It felt so good.

If sex hadn't been so on demand last week I would have actually been in the mood!

2 Week Wait

I am in the lovely two week wait. I hate this place. I try to keep my spirits up but also try to stay grounded or even forget about where I am in all of this.

I had promised Grumps that I wouldn't drink after I Oed. I lied. I have been good. I have only had small amounts of wine. I had to have something to get me through this stupid time.

Guess how many times I have pushed on my boobs and lifted them to feel for overwhelming heaviness? Too many times. It is too soon to even have symptoms like that. BUT we all know how our mind loves to play games.

I was a good friend today. I went with K to shop for maternity clothes. Yep, you heard me right, MATERNITY clothes. I had a little drink before I left to numb it all. It really wasn't as painful as I thought it would be until we were in Motherhood.

There was a mother and daughter who came into the store while K was trying on some clothes. I thought the mother was the one shopping. WRONG!!! It was the 14 year old or younger. She had a nice belly. She seriously was YOUNG. She begged her mom to carry the bag for her. The mom told her NO! Go mom!

But it sure sucked for me!

I did enjoy the Asian lady speaking Spanish to her employees in the food court. It gave me a laugh.

FINALLY!!!

It is finally up! uP! UP!!!

Let's just hope it stays up for the next 3 days and produce a BIG FAT POSITIVE!

We did the deed. Ummm let's just say it wasn't my best performance! In fact I hated every second of it. The entire time I was laughing in my head thinking that if we do get pregnant on this try I will tell them when they are older how it just SUCKED!

Here is the thing, it drives me nuts to hear Grumps complain about doing the baby dance again. Um I do believe he gets a happy finish everytime. Yes, I know that it is hard but seriously, he just has to look and touch and do. I have to lay and lay and lay. THEN when we are all done I ask for some toilet paper and he yells back at me from the bathroom that I should have got it before and been prepared.

I was like, "No he didn't!"

So let's all cross ourselves, pray, throw babydust, do the dance, WHATEVER!!!! I want this temp to stay up up and away!

Thanks for riding this ride with me!

Busting Ovaries

Still no jump in the temp.

Still no ovulation.

Still unhappy about it all!

All night it felt as if my ovaries were going to bust. They feel so full. I wish I could make it all go away.

I guess we will be baby making again today.

TICKED OFF

Anyone here with any wise answers to why my body sucks this cycle?

I have NEVER had a cycle like this. EVER! Even last month my body worked right. Or at least I thought it did. I didn't temp so maybe I am just screwed up.

My temp really hasn't done poop! My ovaries HURT! I have discharge like I am suppose to for the past 2 weeks! I did the deed AGAIN yesterday!

What is wrong?

Anyone want to play chart detective? Have a look!

The Big Drop

I was wrong. I guess I haven't Oed even though I have had the signs now for 2 weeks.

My temperature dropped big time this morning. We also didn't do any baby making. I just couldn't. So now it looks like we have to do it for sure tonight. I am about to throw my thermometer right out the window and quit!!!

What is up with my body?

Temping

I hate temping. But when I wasn't temping because I was pregnant I actually missed it. It is one of those habits like turning on your alarm clock or taking your vitamin.

I am at a very critical point in my cycle. Temping is crucial right now. Yesterday morning I woke up and realized that my thermometer was in the bathroom. I couldn't temp. I needed to know if I was ovulating or not. Not really for baby making but for peace of mind. I wanted to wake up Grumps but I knew that he wouldn't be happy.

I decided to get up and go to the bathroom and just take it from there. My temperature dropped a tad. It didn't jump like I needed it too. I thought that I would reinact it all this morning. I needed to see how much my temperature would drop from walking to the bathroom.

I took my temperature from bed first this morning. It had sky rocketed. I walked to the bathroom and did it again. It stayed the same. I guess that means I am ovulating today. We will have to baby make one more time tonight. It will be our 5th time this week. WRONG!!!

Not only am I a pregnancy detective who was right, I am a thermometer detective as well.