Repeated Track

Just like Mel I have been quiet lately. My heart is heavy. Feeling blue.

Over a year ago I had something on a repeated track. You know what I mean? When the song won't leave your head. It just repeats. Not even the whole song but just the one line. You try to remove it with another song but it finds its way back into your head, your dreams, your day. My repeated track was March 21, my little angel's due date. The date would scream to me every day. Every second. March 21, March 21, March 21.... The more I heard it, the sadder I got. My heart felt like a boulder. I couldn't breathe.

Once March 21 came and went the track stopped. Finally peace in my head. Yet the track has seemed to be replaced with something else, the world childless. I hear it a million times a day. It doesn't leave. There isn't peace from it. It makes me sad. I feel hopeless. I am just going through the motions until that word becomes the soundtrack of our lives instead of the repeated track.

Here is one ray of sunlight... I know longer feel sick with envy or bitter with the news from others. It is just a fact, while my childless track continues to repeat.

Comfort Food, Krispy Cream D's and HSGs

It all begins with Saturday having a me day. I am sick, a week and a half sick. Grumps had to work. I decided to just fill my day. I unpacked from the house stuff that went on. Cleaned from the grime and went to a movie by myself. Rarely am I home alone for a full day anymore. I find myself filling my world to the fullest. I guess I do this so I don't have to think about life as it is right now.

Saturday I started to get blah. I felt it hit in. It was like a warm blanket wrapping itself around me. That sounds inviting and all but you know when you got hot under your blanket and can't get out? That was me for sure. I was stuck. I wanted out. I began to struggle with it. Here is where the comfort food comes in. I just had to get out of the house. I wanted to see the new N. Sparks movie. Movies like that are perfect for going alone. I go to the movie too early. You can't sit at a movie that early by yourself. Off to the store I went. I hadn't planned to get food but when I passed the deli section and saw good friend chicken and mac cheese I couldn't say no. Guess where I ate it? HA! Right in my car at the movies. Teeheehee!!! I couldn't help laughing at myself.

Today I had to make the scary drive over the state line at EARLY morning time to have my 4th hsg. Yep 4! I was told by my doctor it shouldn't hurt since they are pros. I laughed. There was no way it wouldn't hurt, I was the pro at having them. The bright spot in the morning was the HOT sign lit up for donuts. The hsg... totally a piece of cake except for the assistant not knowing how to get the machine working while I was wide open with a view of my cervix for all to see waiting! The results... swollen left tube, scar tissue and block on the right. I am waiting to see if there is a new action plan from my doc.

If you made it to the end of my post then I give you a fire cracker. This was painful. HA! I just needed to let you know I was alive. Crazy but alive!

Thank You

I have nothing else to add. I just needed the hugs and words. I am lost right now. With work and life and what to do next, I needed you. THANK YOU!

Updated!!!

Ha! I don't remember posting this. I went out for our traditional beer and wings. I enjoyed MANY beers. When I came home I guess I posted. I have NO memory of this. Oh so funny! It is still true but I can't stop laughing!

It has been confirmed...

I got the call this afternoon after my beta. It is a true negative.

I am still numb but fine. You know, you stay grounded during it all ready for this moment of disappointment.

I have questions for my doctor.

Thanks for being there along the road. We aren't sure if we will transfer our little frozen embryo next or do one more fresh ivf. The plan right now is beer and wings tomorrow with friends.

Weak

I was weak this morning. I caved and tested. I had discovered one test left from a long time ago. As I peed on the stick I was hoping for good things but really expecting the worse. I have been super crampy.

Well... It was negative. I still have my beta on Tuesday but it is over. I hate that there isn't relief in knowing.

Out of Kids' Mouths

The cutest little girl ran up to me today and gave me a big hug. She pulled back and looked at me. Before she turned away she said...

"That dress sure makes you look pregnant!"

Their honesty is brutal!

My Big Ones

Oh it is so much fun being a teacher. Today a mom of a previous student stared me down on my way into the lunch room. I knew what she was thinking. "Is she pregnant?" We waved and I quickly moved on. This is the lady who gave me a fertility book saying it would bring me good luck.

During the class bathroom break she hunted me down. You won't believe what came out of her mouth. It really makes me laugh just thinking about it. She moved in really close and said, "MAN your BOOBS are HUGE! Is there something you want to tell me?" I am surrounded by little 7 year olds. I want to laugh my head off. Instead I say, "It's the hormones. We are still trying." My favorite response EVER comes next. "I have a flutter and goosebumps. It is going to happen. I feel it." She then kisses me on the cheek and whispers how she will pray.

I LOVE how all big things in life happen because of a flutter and goosebumps. I must have missed that a long time ago. HAHAHAHHA!

3 Little Ones

I left all of you hanging with my HUGE SWOLLEN ovaries and the info of my many eggs. I guess I should fill you in.

I transferred on Wednesday with my substitute husband, D! I got the call from my sweet doctor that morning letting me know 4 had made it. One embryo was really good. 2 were good. They all had slowed in growth. The rest were growing but turning abnormal. The decision was made to transfer 3.

We arrived in Scaryville with D and I making sure everyone knew we were best friends, not lovers for a second time. When they called my name we went into the other waiting room. The nurse said, YOU (that would be me) sit here. Sir (that would be D) sit here. She then looked up and realized D was not a sir but a mam. EVERYONE was laughing. She was so embarrassed. It was a priceless moment.

We are then moved into the transfer room. I had been nervous all night and morning. My fear was nothing would make it for transfer. Here is where the cool stuff began. The transferring doctor was my retrieval doctor. It is wonderful to see a familiar face in the Big office. They were very kind to explain everything. Making sure I could see my little ones get 'dropped' into my insides. At that moment my breath caught. It wasn't sperm like the before IUIs. It was LIFE!!!! I began to pray out loud while the other ladies in the room began to cheer the little ones on. It was so moving.

Everyone left (of course before they left I told jokes about my good luck not shaving look and the many shirts I will make if I get pregnant and have a little one. I also said my little one will fear Aunt D because she was there when the little life was created AND when the little life was placed inside mom.) and D began to pray for the little ones to live and thrive and be. As she is praying the amazing embryologist comes in with my CUTE picture. She is tearing up watching D pray with her hands on my belly. She then says how special this was for her. She not only helped transfer them but inseminated them. She said it never happens that way. Too many perfects.

Of course it all ended with D and I at Cheeburger Cheeburger for yummy food. I finally made it home to rest in bed with my heating pad. My ovaries were still grapefruit sized, pushing my uterus up. Now we wait.

I am trying very hard to stay grounded yet stay full of faith and hope. So many are praying for life. I can't thank everyone enough for the emails, txts, phone calls, cards, fruit, food, shots, rides, dog babysitting, millions of offers to help... Grumps finally returned home to view the photo of what he missed. I am now ready to be pampered. HE OWES ME!!!!

Cluck cluck cluck

That would be the sound that should be coming out of my mouth. Yep I am a hen. Now my friend says I am equal to a teenage egg donor. Here is the update.

They retrieved 31 eggs. There were more but my endo was blocking them. 28 were mature. 19 fertilized.

I have drank SO MUCH gatorade to stop any swelling. It has worked but man I don't want to drink anymore of it ever again. I also ate more steak than a person should eat.

As of today we will be transferring on Wednesday. We will transfer 2 embies at day 5. DAY 5! I am praying there is something there by then. I know there will be. Today I had 5 at 8 cells. Then we go down from there.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. I am happy I get to great my students at the door instead of a substitute. Now for Wednesday and Thursday I will be on bedrest relying on my girls since Grumps is out of town.

What I need from you? PRAYERS!!!! I really want this to work. I know we all want ivf to work for us but I am just not sure I can do this again.

By the way, I haven't forgotten about the all about me questions. Maybe I will begin working on it while on bedrest.

Blood Shooter

Nothing seems to ever be easy for me any more.

Yesterday was my trigger day. After having u/s and b/w every day for a week I finally got the call. Of course Grumps is out of town and couldn't help me. I had a list of people who offered to assist in giving me the shot but the one I had set up to shoot me up couldn't. You know how the call goes, you are going to trigger at 7pm. I get the call at 5pm. I really don't have time or the clarity of mind to call my backup. I decide to ask my friend from work who I do everything with. She starts freaking out.

As she is following me home from work (leaving work at 6:15, getting stuck in traffic) she is panicking even more about the shot idea. I am beginning to wonder if this will be a solo job. I had planned to do everything solo from the beginning, except Grump wasn't a fan. He had given me a shot once and caused the side of my leg and butt to go numb. He was afraid what I would to myself. Well we get home. I get the trigger ready. She is now deep breathing.

I lean up against the table, putting my weight on my left leg. My friend takes the HUGE needle in her hands and begins to REALLY freak out. I start laughing which isn't good when a 1 1/2 inch needle is about to go into your butt. SO I just did it myself. No pain, very easy EXCEPT... I pull the needle out and blood shoots EVERYWHERE. I have blood squirting out of me like a fountain. It is splattered all over the floor. I am laughing and trying to get something to stop it all. My poor friend, shocked. Did I hit a vein?

HA! I really wish I could have had a video. I have never scene anything like it before in my IF life. Now the plan, retrieval is early Friday morning. Transfer is of course still up in the air. Monday, would be day 3. The first day of school is on Tuesday. My doctor said I could go to work if I was feeling up to it. My boss said, NO. She wants me to stay on bedrest. What do I do?

Finally, my estrogen level is super high. I had to cut my trigger in half. I was told to drink lots of sport drinks and eat protein starting tomorrow. I am also to keep a check on my weight. OF COURSE I have this problem to worry about! Did this happen to anyone else? Any tips or thoughts?

Ask Me

Let's wrap this summer up right. I need to get my mind off EVERYTHING and just have some fun. SO you have a job. Ask my ANY question you like. I am an open book. I don't get embarrassed and for sure not shy.

Let's laugh and have some fun!

Home and Fluffy

We have been back from our vacation for a few days now. We had a wonderful time. Grumps worked hard to plan a wonderful trip full of good food and great places to rest our heads. We reconnected in just being together. Life couldn't get in the way.

Now being back home the ivf and back to school countdown has begun. It looks like both will be right there with each other. I am praying my body doesn't take too long to respond. I can't miss the first day of school. I really can't miss any days of the first week. It all has to just run VERY smoothly. I am laughing though deep inside. When do things run smoothly for me? Of course my retrieval would be on the open house day. Of course my transfer could be the first day of school. That is how my world works.

My other 'issue'... raise your hand if treatments have caused you to gain weight. A lot? I am out of control large. It makes me sad. My boobs are HUGE! My body just feeds on these drugs. I am at the point I could rest my chin on my girls. I can't do a thing about any of it until I am done with these stupid drugs. Please tell me I am not the only one? PLEASE!!!!

The word has been spread to the mouths of my school. I might look pregnant but I am for sure not. They have my permission to tell everyone.

So I am serious about my question. Did you gain weight? How much in total? Did your body love the drugs? I don't want to hear about how thin you were through it all. I don't want to hear about how you exercised and ate healthy. Now it is time to chime in!!!

OUT OF HERE

Grumps and I are heading out tomorrow morning for a much needed trip. He has been planning it for weeks. He told me quietly one night, "This trip is meant to help us forget about children." He truly is priceless.

We are driving up the east coast for the next week and 1/2. Our first stop is NY!!! Then off to Boston to get smart. Grumps is a history freak. Next will be Maine at a cozy inn (I think, he is keeping secrets). On our way home we will stop in Connecticut for dinner with friends. Finally we will end the drive at Atlantic City to meet up with friends for 2 days of fun. During all the driving I plan to read many books and take lots of naps.

When we come back, Lupron will start and we will get this show on the road.

I am bringing my laptop hoping for free internet at our hotels. If not, see you on the other side!

When Your Up, Your Up

But when you are down, you are really low...

Fine, I'm Okay... No really, I'm doing good...

I have am the master at being okay and fine. I put the smile on my face. I might even laugh or clap. Sometimes I make a joke or take a swig but I am the master. Lately I truly have been okay. Not great or fantastic but just okay. Numb to it all. Tired as usual. I never seem to be able to get a break. When I think I have it good, all is going well, I am kicked pretty low.

Today brought it all into perspective. Meaning, I just got kicked.

Some of our closest friends sent us a text last night. Baby boy was born. Last week from another set, baby girl was born. Through an email from my MIL, two of Grumps' cousins are having babies due in the fall. FALL IS REALLY SOON. I am happy for them but why are we just hearing about it now. In the mail, a birth announcement. THANK GOD for the friends who sent a card because of our sucky canceled transfer. It helped cancel the yuck out except they were the friends who just had the baby last week.

The hormones are trying really hard to leave my body but in the process they are leaving me feeling really crappy. I know, everyone is on hormones in the blog world but they really screw me up. I have gone up 2 sizes in the past 3 or so months. WHO DOES THAT? It is like my body feeds on estrogen. It can't get enough. If I had something to show for the gain I would be okay with it. Instead I just have me wearing a bigger size trying not to eat bad food when I am depressed.

My marriage is really struggling. Fights like we have never had. Looks, silence, nothing. I watched Grumps stand on the deck today just looking out thinking. I am sure he was thinking my sad thoughts. He even said he was trying to make our vacation as childless as possible. He doesn't want me to think about children. I hugged him in my little mind for that. Of course the armor came on and I said, "I am fine."

Yep I am on a sick roller coaster. UP then DOWN. It just repeats itself. My poor blog gets hit with it all. To be normal would be wonderful.

Yesterday I got calls saying I had maxed out on my insurance for covering F drugs. THANK YOU fairy god mother for helping me out. Grumps almost lost it. I just don't think we can take much more. It will only be a couple of weeks and thoughts of our little angel will really set in. We will have lost her 2 years ago. 2 YEARS AGO!!!!!!

I am sure if you ask me how I am doing tomorrow I will say, "Fine." "Great." or even "Okay." But today, tonight I am really low.

Cheers from my very yummy bottle of wine to all who know what low feels like.

Canceled

I got the call last night that 3 out of the 6 embryos didn't make the thaw. My heart was sad, but we began to pray for the other 3.

This morning I get the call from my doctor that the other 3 never divided. The transfer is canceled.

I am sad but was prepared. My doctor will be calling me this afternoon with our next plan of action. He said he doesn't believe it was because of quality that they didn't make it. He says he sees me pregnant. I respond well to drugs. We will just have to tweak some things.

The positive:

The bottle of wine I opened last night will be finished by me.
I can continue to enjoy my summer with the way I love it, drinking.
The shots STOP!
We will not have to do shots on our vacation.
I can relax and have fun without worrying about anything.

The negative:

Grumps heart is broken. He just doesn't understand.
My mom feels bad that a call was even made to me about going home.
I will be waiting as usual.
My next retrieval will be the first week of school.
I lost 6 little lives today.
We have to do it all again.

I believe we should just make my middle name WAIT! Seriously! Thanks for all the support through this. Get your cheers ready for the next cycle!

Foul Mood

Yep that is me. I have a stinky mood going on. If you know me in real life you know I don't usually go to this place. I am always up with only a couple of down moments. Well I went to bed in a funk and I woke up in one. I am hoping blogging gets rid of it. I hate being here.

I had planned to blog about tips for your husband giving you shots in the butt and how my common thread bracelet broke. I am sure I will get to it. Instead I am just going to vent and get it all out there.

I have always given myself my shots. I like being in control. I wasn't exactly happy knowing Grumps had to be the one shooting me up. He doesn't do stuff like that very well. BUT I went in with confidence in him. I get the it all ready for him. Talk him through it. Remind him...

Well we have had some good shots but we have had some bad ones. Last night was the worse. It felt like he was moving the shot around. When I said something he got upset with me. Then I BLED! It turned into a quiet shouting match. His feelings were hurt. My butt killed. He said I make it hard. I shouldn't say that it hurts. I should just let him do it. He has no idea how it feels.

I suggested giving him a shot in the butt of just saline for him to see how it feels. He flipped. Why do I need to hurt him? I just wanted him to understand how it felt. He would have no part in it. The night ended with me going to the basement to play on the computer leaving him for bed. He did come downstairs to let me know he was just reading. I shrugged him off. This morning was just as cold.

I know this is a stupid vent. I shouldn't let this bother me. We will be transferring probably on Wednesday. I should be getting in a 'zen' state. Instead I am just yuck about it all. It is so small but it really is so big. It defines our marriage. How we deal! I wanted him to hold me and tell me he was sorry for hurting me. But I know he wanted me to say how sorry I was for making him feel bad. I just couldn't. I really can't.

I know he feels like a bystander just watching. He wants this over just as much as I do. I really just need a cheerleader. I am sure after having some girl time (sangria, pool, and wine) today I will be over this. I am going to put this mood under the hormone category. I am pulling the card and using the excuse. The del estrogen KILLS my back and making my boobs SUPER bigger than they already are! The progesterone oil only made my back hurt more.

I am done with complaining. Maybe after tonights shot I will have some helps for your spouse giving you shots so you won't have to have a moment like ours.

*I could use a little head patting, cheer talking, hugs ANYTHING to make me feel better. HELP ME get over this. Please tell me your husbands sucked at shots. I DON'T want to know how amazing they were. I don't want to be jealous of your marriage. I want to love mine more by the end of the day. I am SO not needy right now. HA!

Facebook and Infertility

Its summer and I just sit around and play. Part of the playing is goofing off online. I have 'hunted' down long lost friends on Facebook. It has been fun to see how everyone has changed and grown up.

BUT... it is also hard. Almost everyone I have found has 3 to 4 kids. Many of them married after I did. Most of the women are stay at home mom's, my dream! I am happy for them all. I comment on their sweet families. THEN I have to write about mine.

Here's my spill...

I've been married now for 10 years. I live outside DC. I teach 2nd grade. I have a really cute dog. We live a simple but very busy life.

What's missing there? Yep the kids. I wonder what they think when I don't list my kids' names and ages like they did. If they look hard they can see I am part of an infertility group. If they ask I will let them know. In fact I talked about our infertility to one of my 'friends' after she told me some tough stuff from her life. When she replied to my message she skipped the IF part. I had been thinking what would her response be. I guess nothing would be the answer. I also shared with another 'friend' about our miscarriage and struggle to have a family. She had shared right before my reply with her own miscarriage along with the names of her other children. Silence again.

I really don't expect a reply or even questions about my missing family. But it does cut like a knife a little bit to hear and see their families.

Has anyone else experienced this? I know I am not the only one.

New White Panties

I was hoping to bring this cycle on this morning by wearing a brand new pair of white panties. Guess what?

AF IS HERE!!!!

I really wasn't thinking about those white panties bringing on my cycle; but, I had to laugh when I did go to the bathroom, looked down and BAM ruined new panties.

Tomorrow will be my baseline ultra sound and first dose of del estrogen. We will be praying for my lining to get nice and thick ready for my babypops.

We have waited such a long time to finally get this show on the road. I am nervous. I want it over. I want an end. Yet I never thought deciding to freeze so quickly to rush and take care of my mom, would create lots of thinking and praying. Thawing babypops, the number and all that jazz sure makes my heart heavy.

Anyway HERE WE GO!!!! Fingers crossed!

Shout to the Lord

As a family we have been standing strong believing God will give us a miracle for my mom. No doubt, just trust.

Last week my mom had her scans after 4 rounds of chemo.

The results....

Her bloodwork was amazing, as if she was completely healthy.

The best news...

ALL of her tumors have shrunk by half! BY HALF!

When my mom called to tell me I teared up and became speechless. The doctors were shocked and couldn't explain it. Yes, the chemo did a work in her body but not that much work. God did the big work.

The next plan of action...

She will start a new round of chemo, less harsh on her body, every 3 weeks. AND we will keep holding strong to God and His promises.

Of course my mom is over the moon and can't stop shouting to the Lord. Picture this... my mom walking a far walk to the park near by at 6 in the morning to swing. Remember, when I first got to my mom 3 months ago, she could barely walk.

Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers. DON'T STOP! It's not over yet!

Ramblings

Nothing profound tonight. Just where I am, my thoughts rolling through my head.

Only because of God can I find peace in the midst of so much.

*The end of a year. Telling little ones goodbye after giving them all I know. It is always hard even when I begged for the year to be over when it had just begun.

*Celebrating new life in the midst of life hanging on by God's sovereignty. Holding a new born is such amazing joy. So is watching life come to a place of real life, what is important.

*Still in the midst of infertility after so long and having peace. I would rather be holding new life in my arms tonight. I would rather hear a little one call out my name in the late hours. I would give so much to see what my love and I create. BUT when life is barely holding on you realize what you have is great and full. Having a child isn't everything. It would be amazing but it doesn't complete or fill the void.

*Wanting to help others but not knowing how. I say the wrong words. I am sure I do the wrong things. Sometimes I would love to just shake them hoping to knock sense into them. BUT realizing you have been there at one time. Lost, helpless, desperate. I am not sure I can give anymore.

*Loving your husband so much but pushing him away all at the same time. How can he make it all right?

*Smiling when you want to cry.

*Pretending the world is as perfect as it will ever get.

Please no comments about how sorry you are, thinking of you, OR you amaze me. I would love to hear your ramblings though. Is your head full of them like mine?

I NEVER do this. I blog and don't even look at the numbers or dates. No blog birthdays or anything but when I logged on I saw my last post was 399. How fitting for my rambles to get a big number like 400.