My V is closed for Repairs

I has been seen and touched WAY too much lately. Stink, I told Grumps that we would get it on tonight. Maybe he will be too tired. HA!

First I had a moment with the lovely condom covered wand. All was fine and dandy and went very fast! I did feel like a science project or some test subject looking for gold.

Next was my lovely pap. I have been bad. I haven't had a pap in 3 years. With all the other testing, probbing, touching going on down there I didn't feel it was necessary to add that in. I know, I am a bad example. Really and truly the worse part for me is the boobie exam. I HATE that part! They haven't been touched by a stranger while I was awake (who knows what they do to you when you are under and on the table) in 3 years.

My doctor had a 'shadow intern' with him. Of course they asked if she could join in on the fun. "WHO CARES!" is what I said. Truly at that point, naked but under paper, sweating like a pig, legs spread wide open, let's let them all have a looksie and touchy moment with my V! It was a little awkard when the intern was between my legs, my doc was trying hard to get the lighting right for her while peering over her shoulder and the nurse was watching on the sidelines. I felt left out being the only one who didn't get to look and wear gloves. The only good part was that my doctor bragged and got all excited about my lap pictures to show to the intern. I will be famous someday, they are that pretty!

Finally the best moment all week, my HSG! I was calm and collected. I went alone BUT MANY people offered to take me. I felt like I could handle it since I did it once before alone being a newbie in it all. (This would be hsg #3 for me.) I took a nice 800mg pill of ibprophin from my m/c. It sure made me loopy, I had no idea. I was so out of it I told them the wrong date for my first day of my last period. They thought I was on day 13. OOPS!

I hopped up on the table with the big diaper. No stirrups here. I told them that they really were important. Instead the old lady doctor pulled me down on the table until I almost fell off. She was a little harsh with the nurse and intern. It must be my lucky week. AND ME! The tube was pushed in. Yep, I felt it. Then it was PUSHED in even more with major force since she was perplexed why it wouldn't go up easily. Beats me but I wished for a gentiler push. The balloon was blown up, I had to hold my breath. The dye was shot in at a very slow pace. I thought I was going to die or scream STOP at the top of my lungs. MAN IT HURT! It got to a point that I could care less if my tubes were clear or not. I just wanted the pain to go quickly.

The results all is fine with my tubes and all that jazz. I knew that it would be. We just needed to prove it to the good ole RE. I ended the afternoon with drinks and girl time with T. Then back to the house for a heating pad, more 800mg and an evening nap.

I really think I should take back my offer from Grumps. MAN but guess what, O time is coming!

Out of all your tests you have had, which one was your favorite? Come on, I want to hear your story!

Self Torture

Why do I do it?

Why do I read pregnant blogs daily? I mean I really should just read them weekly, but daily is true torture.

Why do I read and comment on the boards at all? I try to help because I have been on this road for so long but once again it is torture. The questions are so new and hopeful. I don't want to bust any bubbles but I do want to ground the newbies sometimes.

Why do I do I look at pregnant bellies, especially those who are near my due date? KILLS ME!!!

One thing I don't do is look through all the baby/parenting/pregnancy/congratulations magazines/flyers/postcards that I get in the mail daily. I look at them for a totally of 10 seconds and do a little snicker/laugh and TRASH them!

What things do you do that are pure torture? Things you know you shouldn't do but it is like a trainwreck, you just can't look away.

Trying to ...

get in the mood to blog.

I have 'written' a few posts in my head but can't remember them to get them out on my computer. Usually I can remember and spit them out. Not lately.

My mind has been clouded with dates.

FSH and u/s RESULTS NORMAL

Grumps s/a RESULTS PENDING

Annual (3 years late) PAP TODAY

DREADFUL HSG tomorrow

First Hannah's Hope Monday night

RE followup next Friday

As you can see I am full of dates. D who helps me 'celebrate' these things is out of town. So I have had to treat myself to wine, bad but yummy foods, and treats. I found out today I have lost 5 lbs since my last doctor's visit BUT I know that it would have been more if I hadn't taken my stresses out on food this past week.

I have a feeling that someone close to me will have a bfp soon. I have no idea who but I can feel it in bones. I know so silly but does anyone else get those feelings or am I an infertile freak?

Labeling

I switched to Beta Blogger the other day. It thought, "Hey let's do labels." Now I am not sure I like them. I still have a few more to label but am rethinking it.

What do you guys think? Keep them or get rid of them?

Aunt Flow says...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

She came just in time to celebrate us! I really don't mind that she is here. Now when spot showed up and stayed for awhile I knew she was on her way. There was a second where I thought just maybe pregnant I was pregnant. Ummm NOPE! I had a little moment and then moved on.

Now the testing begins. Tomorrow morning, EARLY is my Day 3 bloodwork. Next week I have my lovely PAP on Thursday. Friday I have my 3rd HSG. I am taking the day off for that one since it is scheduled for right in the middle of the day. Grumps has his jerky lerky on Tuesday. SO it will be a fun week for our household!

My present for V'day is a day off work! It iced last night! I am enjoying my day in bed with my new heart pjs!!!

The Day Is Coming

March 20th will be here so soon. Seeing K and her belly and hearing her say only 6 weeks to go, WOW I was trying to forget.

I started thinking about to the day I got my BFP. I thought I never would see that day. The emotions were crazy. I was on cloud nine with butterflies to beat all butterflies. I couldn't stop running and jumping through my house. I wanted to tell the world but also wanted to hold the news close to my heart.

Some days that day feels like a dream that I made up in my little infertile world.

Just like that amazing day I will never forget week 6 when my numbers weren't doubling. I thought we were losing our little angel to heaven. I cried like I have never cried before. Tears shook my body down to the very core of my being. I wanted to die. When I saw my little one's heart beating life filled me with hope again.

Then there was the day when there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't cry. The world stood still. I felt like I was drowning.

I wonder what March 20th will be. How will I remember that day? How will it mark my life?

Thoughts in My Head

I have been having all these thoughts in my head lately. Thoughts that have me so confused.

Right before 2007 began I prayed that God would either take away my desire for children and give me peace or give me a child. Since that prayer I have had amazing peace. I still have moments of sadness but not very often. I think about my situation daily but not every minute.

I love my life that Grumps and I have. We have been married for almost 9 years. We have been trying for our child for 4 years this month. My crazy thoughts have been should we continue to try so hard or just let it rest. Is this God letting me know that this is our life, the way it should be? I know I can hear all of you saying that we need to keep trying. You all know that we are to have a child. But I am just not sure any more.

I know that Grumps would be fine without having children. I also know that he would love it too. I know that if I told him my feelings he would tell me that I would kick myself in the long run if we didn't try harder.

Last weekend we were being silly and dancing in the kitchen. I asked Grumps if he would still love me if we never had children. Of course he said that he would. I just needed to ask him.

I wish I could see a little bit of our future to know just what to do.

Searching

I was playing around tonight searching for my blog on the internet. It wasn't too long ago that I didn't have many links. Okay I still really don't compared to the big bloggers. But I did find this beautiful post. I had no idea that someone blogged about me. It moved me to tears.

She was blogging about the 4 top blog moments of the week of November 3rd. I was one of them.

And ending with a beautiful post about loss...My Journey Towards My Little Miracle has two posts this week about the aftermath. I was holding my breath towards the end: "the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life. The look on my doctors face. Feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone." And smiled through the earlier memories of "the day I began to crave sweets again. When I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired." I'm so sorry, Sunny. These were gorgeous posts. I wish you were pulling out maternity clothes too.

WOW reliving those few moments took my breath away and brought the tears that have been gone for so long.

The Wait Continues

I haven't been up much for blogging. No real good reason. Just nothing has come to my mind that is worth blogging about.

I had my appointment on Monday. It all went well. The doctor was very nice and quick about everything. He made sketches and a nice timeline. He even gave us his email address for any further questions that we might have. We talked to our nurse who gave us way too many papers with dates and to dos. I am so glad I knew a lot going in or I would have been even more lost.

So the wait continues. They want to do most of the testing again since my miscarriage and time could have changed things. I am okay with it all. At least the testing will take place in a 2 week period instead of a year.

Day 1 of my cycle I call.

Day 3 I go in for blood work to check levels.

Between day 5 and 10 I will have another HSG. YEAH my favorite.

I will also have an ultrasound to check out things and follicles and all that jazz.

So I am waiting for AF to arrive. I would really love it if she never showed. I am not holding my breath. Especially after talking to the doctor about % of getting pregnant naturally or with an IUI.

While at the office I read that children are not allowed to attend. I LOVED THAT! I also loved that the magazines were not all parenting magazines. I felt taken care of. I pointed it out to Grumps. It made him do some thinking. He asked me if every time I see a baby, child or belly do I think about not having one of my own? I told him YES but that I have gotten better. I used to tear up. I used to get really sad. Now I just think about it for a second. He was so shocked and a little sad. He finally got it. He finally understood for a split second what it must be like to live in my head.

Now I need to call my OB/GYN to up my pap appointment. I would hate to have to wait even longer for our first IUI if my pap isn't up to date.

Hannah's Hope

I have recently decided to start a small/support group for those women dealing with infertility and miscarriages. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to. I have prayed about it for a very long time. The thought and desire never left. I asked others what they thought and they all felt like it would be perfect. The need is great in our church.

I went to leadership training.

I came up with a name. It isn't the first group by this name but it felt right. Hannah's Hope. Hannah prayed to God for a child for many years. She told God that when He gave her a child she would give her child back to Him. God granted her desire and in turn she gave her son, Samuel, to Eli to serve God. Therefore we are all like Hannah, hoping for our miracle.

Information was placed on the church website.

Today it was featured on the front of the church bulletin.

Now I wait. I wait for women to contact me. I plan to also advertise at a few places including my doctor's office.

I am in a good place and have a wonderful support system but I know of many women who do not. I also know what it is like to be on this sad journey alone. Being alone isn't a place to be when dealing with infertility or miscarriages.

Opening

of the envelope took place!

I didn't want to. It wasn't because I was being nosy. (But I did have a glass of wine at my side.) I needed to see if it had some of my tests in it. No answers there.

I didn't really learn anything new. A lot of my files were left out. I guess my doctor didn't find them important. All of my previous testing and Grumps as well were not included. I guess since we did get pregnant none of that was super important.

My pictures were there of my lovely insides. I have seen them many times. A toxic waste dump without adhesions and scar tissue. My doctor is still shocked by that.

My old charting charts were there. I will bring my recent months along.

The pathology reports and my visit notes.

The detailed report of my lap. There I found something I have always wondered but was afraid to ask.

I told the stage of my endometriosis. I always guessed what I thought it would be. I also hoped what I wanted it to be. I teared up when I saw what it really was.

Stage IV Endometriosis

I am very blessed to have gotten pregnant at all. I am also blessed that my girl parts work. But hearing stage IV makes my heart sink a little.

I filled out all the paper work the best that I could. I don't know Grumps sperm results. I don't know all the blood tests that were done. I am sure he can figure out what was done to both of us. The big thing is the endo.

Grumps favorite question to torment me with is: if you drink, how much do you consume per week/day? I said once a day. (okay it might be a little more or less depending on the day) Grumps was twice a week. He called me an alcoholic. I told him to live in my shoes for a day. He has no place to judge.

Tomorrow morning is the big moment. I am sure I know what he will say. I still need to make my little list of talking points. I am sure Grumps will be of no help. He is only going because I know that they will want to talk to him.

I will report back with the bigger game plan.

Insightful Advice

I love how people hear pregnant or babies and assume it is you.

Today a teacher friend and I were talking about next year. I said that if I were pregnant I would be due in October. I said I were pregnant with twins I would take the year off. As I was saying all of this the librarian in came in putting an arm around me asking if I was. HA! I actually laughed. I said, "NOPE! It would be a miracle! I have tried for 4 years."

Here we go! I love advice! I love that I have tried for the past 4 years and don't know poop!

The lady said, "I have a friend who tried for 14 years. She didn't do any treatments and now has 4 kids. I told her husband that he needed to wear boxers and they now have 4 kids."

I laughed and said, "That would be nice but the doctor said that my insides look like a toxic waste dump."

I laughed again and she patted my back and said, "I am so sorry."

I laughed even harder in my head. MAN if I had only known about the boxer shorts!

I still haven't looked at my envelope. BUT I bet it will happen soon! D and I were going to check it out but we partook of too much wine!!!

About the Envelope

Okay first I haven't opened it! It is still there.

Second I totally want to read about my body and all that stuff. I love science, medical stuff (like the word stuff!) and know everything I can about myself. The problem is I don't want to read about my miscarriage. I don't want to know anything else about it. I seriously doubt that they have anything about the sex or that kind of stuff BUT what if they do?

THAT is my problem with the files in the envelope.

I seriously need to find a better word than stuff. I can't believe I sued it 4 times in a very small paragraph!!! I promise I am a better writer than that!

*anonymous ummm I am not sure I get your advice. If it were that simple I would have had MANY children by now . Trust me, I have tried it all! Those of you on this road totally know what I am talking about. But thanks for trying to help!

The Envelope

My doctor told me to give him a call when I got my RE appointment scheduled. He wanted to send me off with some of my files and the lovely pictures of my insides that he cherishes so much. I had to promise to return them. He deserves to keep them for all the work he has done for me.

Of course when I called to ask if my files were ready I got a HUGE, "HEY SUNNY!" When I went into the office I got big smiles and hugs. We talked and joked and hoped that I would return soon with good news.

All the way home I thought about that envelope. I wanted to open it and take a little look at all those notes my doctors keep. All the reports and charts. I didn't open it.

Right now it is sitting on my kitchen table with the file that needs to be filled out for my new RE. My name is on the envelope. It is sealed with tape. I know that the seal isn't to keep me out. I know that I have all the right in the world to open it and read. But I don't.

I won't.

I can't.

I know what it all says. I know what my body has turned into. I know what the doctors have told me. I know that they don't lie or distort the facts. BUT what if there is something that I didn't know. What if there is more to my miscarriage. More little details that were 'forgotten'.

I know I am totally crazy. I know I should just take a look but I can't. Man that envelope is going to haunt me in my sleep for another week!

Thoughts

Today in my classroom one of my sweet second graders came up to me and asked me why I don't have any children.

I told her, "I am waiting for God to give them to me."

She asked me how old the other teacher I work with was.

I said, "30."

She said the other teacher is pregnant.

I said, "yes."

She then asked how old I was.

I said, "31."

She was silent after that. I am sure her mind was wondering why I wasn't and the other teacher was when I am the older one.

You gotta love being a teacher with honest children.

Also today I talked with a teacher who dealt with infertility 15 years ago. She told me her story and then told me how she couldn't remember all that she did to get pregnant. She said that I will one day forget all of this.

Ummmmm I don't think that is possible. I am sure it won't feel or hurt the same way but I will never forget this journey.

How could she have forgotten if she did IVF or not? Seriously!

Grace

By Michael W. Smith

I was lost when ya found me here
You pulled me close and held me near
And I'm a fool but still you love
I'll be your fool for the king of love

He gave me wings so I could fly
And gave me a song to color the sky
And all I have is all from you
And all I want is all of you

It's grace, grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me

And there've been days when I've walked away
Too much to carry
Nothing left to say
Forgive me Lord when I'm weak and lost
You traded heaven for a wooden cross

And all these years you've carried me
You've been my eyes when I could not see
And beauty grows in the driving rain
Your ode of gladness in the times of pain

It's grace, your grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Your grace, your grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me oh yeah
Shines on me
Shines on me
I'm everything with you
Shines on me
Shines on me
It's your grace
Shines on me
Your grace
Oh
Your grace it shines on me
Your grace
Your grace
Shines on me
Shines on me
Your grace it shines on me
Your grace

I thank God for His continued Amazing Grace!

Family

That word has really been rolling around in my head a lot lately.

What does it mean to an infertile?

What makes a family?

Does a family involve children?

Are Grumps, Itsy and I a family?

At church Christmas Eve the pastor said, "Go home to your family and remind your children about the real reason for Christmas." I know he wasn't thinking when he said those words. I know he didn't think, there are many here who do not have children. But he said those words. I began to cry. I couldn't' t go home and tell my children about the real reason for Christmas. The words that were meant to up life and encourage cut like a knife.

I hope I can call my little life and household a family. It just doesn't seem to fit.

The Beginning of a Game Plan

I did it! I went to my doctor. When I got there everyone gave me big hugs and told me how much they missed me. I told them the same. I was there so often that I made friends with everyone.

I was prepared for an exam from the doctor but nope! We just talked. I gave him my charts. I told him how the past few cycles have been slightly different. I shared how I was afraid that my endo was returning. I looked through it and including my file and endo pictures. His only thought was doing another lap to see if and how much my endometriosis had returned.

I asked about IUI's. Would they work with me? Was it even an option? He told me that it was worth a try but he felt like I needed a specialist now. So he referred me to one of the many places around here. I will bring a copy of my file and borrow my endometriosis pictures and share my story with a new doctor. We scheduled a pap in March so we can talk about what my new plan will be.

I was excited leaving there but nervous that it would take months to get an appointment. I called yesterday. JANUARY 29th!!!!! Grumps and I will sit and talk and hopefully get an even better game plan together. IUIs? or maybe a lap first? I am not sure but the plan is now in action. My clock is seriously ticking!!!!

My Mom

I have talked about my mom before. I have told you how she can be completely insensitive to my feelings and what we are going through.

Her compassion level for me is like ZERO. She ignores the issues that we have. Only once in a blue moon will she surprise me with true compassion. I will get a card that is meant to encourage. She will call to see how my day is. I might get a little magnet or angel or something to brighten my day. BUT things are never talked about. When I have needed caring words or a listening ear I didn't turn to my mom. I wish I could.

I have many friends who have such an amazing relationship with their moms. I want that. I have always wanted that. Now if you met my mom you would think she would be the best mom ever. She is to others. She will hold a friend's hand as they are going through a very hard time. She will sit with them and listen as they cry. To me, she ignores or gives me advice that really hurts.

I LOVE MY MOM but sometimes I wish she just understood. But she never can. My mom got married very young. She divorced a year later never having children from that abusive relationship. She married again a year later to my dad. I was born 4 days before their first anniversary. OOPS big time. My brother was planned 4 years later. My little sister came 10 years later by accident. My mom always regretted having us so early by accident. She continued to tell me how blessed I was when I didn't get pregnant right away. She can NEVER understand where I am on this journey. She would love for me to have kids but she can't understand the pain the journey has caused. How can she?

I got an email from my mom on Friday. It was nice and long. My mom NEVER sends long emails. I could tell she had worked long and hard on this email. I smiled as I read. Then I got to almost the end. This is what it said:

I got a new mag. for Christmas from a friend. a Christian mag. In it was a story about a girl who had suffered from a miscarriage. It was so good. It really opened my eyes to what you have gone thru. Not really realizing everything. I am going to send it to you. I am sorry for being insensitive to you................I just really didn't understand everything. But after reading her story it really opened my eyes to so much. The blessed assurance is that when we get to heaven our little baby is going to be waiting on us...............

I was FLOORED! It was huge that she apologized. My mom doesn't ever do that. I haven't responded yet. I think I will do that right now. I just needed some time to process it all. I know that my mom will continue to be insensitive but I have this email to remind me that at one time she realized her mistake.

She ended her email with: I love you and are proud of you. Continue to always be a blessing and to bless everyone around you.

I have let those words sing in my head over and over again. She is proud of me!

Philippains 4:8

I got a new Bible for Christmas. It feels so good in my hands. I actually couldn't wait to open it and read.

I haven't been very faithful reading my Bible. I have really grown in my prayer life but have left off the devotion part. I decided that I needed a change. I picked up my Battlefield of the Mind Devotional by Joyce Meyer and opened Job and began to read.

In my last post I talked about either getting a baby this year or finding peace in my life. Guess what? When began my first devotional this is the scripture I read:

"Whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things (fix your minds on them).

Do you ever think about what you are thinking about? If you are not careful, your thought life can lead you into problems. It is important to think before you act, and if you concentrate on things that are true, worthy of reverence and honorable, just, pure, lovely, kind and gracious, virtuous, and excellence, your actions will reflect God's character and heart.

I have heard that scripture a million times. In fact I had read it a few months ago and was convicted by it but never put it into practice. Since reading this verse and devotion I have changed. I used to think about not being pregnant a million times a day. It would cause great sadness. I would quickly spiral into a blue day. But now I push those thoughts away. I think all the other great things in my life. I don't let my mind stay on the sad thoughts. WOW, what a great difference my days have been.

I feel as if I have been set free. I am in a good place. No matter what happens in my life I will survive and have a rich life.

*As I told D, I am in the 2 week wait. We shall see how I am if Aunt Flow comes. I hope I can hold steady and stay strong!