No She Didn't

Last night I went out with the girls to see the opening of Sex and the City. I LOVE the show! We had cosmos and laughs before it all began. I even brought cosmos into the movies via my purse to really get in the mood.

The movie was going great. Tears, laughs, applause! All you could expect and hope for. Then it happened.

We all know Charlotte is part of our infertility community. She longed for a family. Well she finally adopted a beautiful little girl and is very content. As the movie begins to wrap up guess what she announces? YEP, she's pregnant! I was happy for her but then I felt it coming. The words an IF NEVER wants to hear EVER spoken aloud!

"I'm pregnant. I guess if you relax and adopt like they say, you will finally get pregnant on your own!" I am not sure if these are the exact words but they are what I remember.

Guess what I did? You won't believe it! I first gasped! You could feel the row of my girls do the same thing. Then I stood up, gave an ugly hand gesture and called her a 'not so nice' word very loudly. I am blaming it all on the cosmos! Then I sat myself back down and cried. I just couldn't believe they had to add that line into the movie.

I am glad the end of the movie made up for the big NO SHE DIDN'T! The movie is worth it if you are a fan BUT be warned the sentence is spoken and it will cause you to do not very nice things!

Lets Count the Wait

It is hard to believe how much waiting I have done. It is something that has been on my mind lately. Why the wait? What have I learned through it all?

Grumps and I have been trying to have a family for over 5 years. Yep five years and we haven't seemed to have done much compared to the rest of the world. Usually people after this length of time either have their family or have just moved on. Here we sit stuck in the middle.

Lets list the wait!

*It all began with Grumps 5 year plan. As a kid I wanted to start having babies as soon as I got married. Well my thoughts on that changed with maturity. I knew we needed to develop our relationship and figure US out. As each year went by I began to ask Grumps if we could shorten our plan. I even began to pray for my little babies which I didn't have yet. Right before our 5 year mark we began to do it like rabbits. I just knew we would have a baby in our hands in no time. Ahummm lets move on!

*After our first year of trying we began the lovely testing process. There goes more wait. Wait for the test. Wait for the results. Wait for Grumps to come back from training. Wait for recovery. WAIT!!!!

*Then the lovely endo was discovered. Another HUGE moment of wait while I was on Lupron. The year on awful drugs seemed like eternity. I tried to make the best of it by enjoying friends and beverages. It helped some.

*Of course we were blessed with a moment of a baby as our wait ended. But then we lost our little one to heaven and had to wait as we recovered.

*I really thought all the wait was over when we began our trip to the RE and treatments. Well we went on another wait. The insurance wait of 6 months.

*Finally we have IVF insight. We are right in the middle of it all. Our dreams are about to come true (okay hope for the dream to come true) when we get the call about my mom. WAIT AGAIN!

It seems we have spent more time waiting than anything else. What has it taught me? Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.......... LONG PAUSE! I guess it has taught me how not to stress. How to trust. How to just enjoy the moment no matter what it brings. I can't let disappointment and major changes determine the quality of my life. I have to really make the best of a yuck situation. All things happen for a reason. Lets chew on that for a moment.

I have a list of things that wouldn't have happened in my life from friendships to time with my mom. During the wait you have to look at it as a time to find you in a new way. Find how you can touch others. How can you make the best of a not so great situation.

Embrace the wait and live!

A Quick Thought

While I am at it I might as well add a quick IF thought.

Being back in a small town I forgot how there really isn't ANYTHING to do but get married, have babies and eat.

Everywhere I turn people WAY younger than me are telling me about their families and asking me about mine. All are shocked when I say I don't have children but am waiting on my miracle. Of course some even say I can have theirs. I laugh and decline.

Well today I was given advice by a very young couple who only slightly dealt with IF. They haven't been trying long but did go through an early miscarriage. BUT they are now pregnant again. Here's the advice... I was eating brownie batter and she said, "You know, you shouldn't be eating that if you are pregnant." HA! Is what I said. She said, "But what if you are pregnant. You just never know." Oh so true but it truly would be a miracle if I was pregnant. I haven't been with my husband in biblical terms in a month. PLUS I am so not young in this trying business. I quit believing those small things would cause a problem. If I truly did I would have a very sad life since I have been on this ride for the past 5 years.

I am not sure if this made sense at all. But seriously, if I hear or see another young pregnant woman OR an 'old friend' who I could careless seeing tell me about their family and why I don't have my own I might hurt someone.

Anyone else used to live in a small town and then went back to visit after turning into an IF? Isn't it hardly bearable?

I Want to ...

BLOG!

I so want to blog. I have had posts swimming around for days. Today in the shower (my thinking place) I planned a couple. But here is my problem. My only time I am truly alone to blog (I can't blog with others around) is LATE at night. By then I have no desire or truly the clear thoughts to blog.

SO unless I get to be alone soon you will have to wait on my thoughts for a couple of weeks. Here's a sneak preview.

Hometown Life
Memory Lane with the Boyfriends
Your Place in the Family
Always Waiting
and more.

I will leave you with what I have truly enjoyed lately.

Fried catfish, hush puppies and cheese grits
buttermilk pie
pecans
pralines
old quilts
old baby clothes
facebook HA!!!

My Mother's Day Prayer

Every night, as a family, we have devotions. We share what God has shown us that day. We pray, do communion, and give our highlight. Tonight I prayed. I prayed for whomever God brought to my mind. Some are regular requests. Others just come out of the blue. Tonight my heart had a new prayer.

I cried as I prayed for all my 'friends' who are longing for children. I prayed for those who have lost little ones to heaven. I prayed for your void to be filled. Your womb to be healed. Your arms to fill God's love, replacing what you wished was there instead. I prayed for peace on a very hard day. I prayed for courage to find something amazing about the day. Joy where sorrow usually lives. I also prayed for the husbands to remember their wives. To have sensitivity. To remember how their wives are still mothers to little angels.

I wept as I prayed. My heart so heavy for so many. When I finished my family sat in silence. I am not sure if it was because they were at a loss or they were letting God fill the void. I felt His peace over me. For me, mother's day has been very hard. But this year I don't look at my sorrow and long. I look at having another day with my mom. I am taking my eyes off me and placing them on her.

I hope you find comfort this weekend. Know I am praying for all of you!

Here

Man I have missed blogging. I have so many posts in my head: the family fit, the waiting game, and priorities... But when I come think about blogging I have no desire. It requires time. It requires thinking. It requires putting thoughts in order. My thoughts aren't really in order.

Right now I am sitting with my family. I love my family but there are times I could just walk away from it all. People don't like to make decisions but when suggestions are given no one likes those either. I also love them very much. I just don't think I am needed while mom is getting her chemo here. Too many hens in the house.

Speaking of being needed, I am torn about when it is time to go home. I am playing around with some ideas in my head. Just praying for God to give me wisdom. Man it is hard.

My mom is now bald but she sure is beautiful!

Finally, I think my sil is pregnant. I am happy for her but I also want to scream!

I hope to get my jive back soon.

Quick Update

I only have a second before this laptop dies to check in with you. Where I am right now doesn't have internet. MAN am I lost from the world. I will be back on Wednesday.

Chemo went well. My mom hasn't had a single reaction to it. She is eating, drinking, sleeping and looking healthy. It has been a God thing for sure.

As for me, I am missing home but enjoying the time I have with my mom.

I will blog more once I get back to the semi real world.

THANK YOU for all the uplifting emails and comments. You don't have a clue how much it means to me.

Nothing New, Just Blue

We headed back to my brother's house yesterday. My mom has different appointments this week and her first chemo treatment. Everyone came with us. MAN I need my own little space. I love being alone and I just don't get any time being with the family. I took a LONG shower today just to be for a bit.

We did have a wonderful time at the lake this past week. Grumps came with our dog. I can't tell you how much I have missed just seeing his face. I hated sending him back home yesterday morning. The time spent as a family was very healing and encouraging. We are all still standing in agreement for my mom's healing.

Here is a snapshot of all I get to hang out with during my day. FUN TIMES!

My Mom:

Right now she is lying on my SIL's closet floor on oxygen listening to healing scriptures. She isn't sleeping much. She is constantly rubbing this and that hoping for relief. The cough comes and goes. I massage her back as often as I can. Nothing seems to taste good. I have to make her eat.

My Dad:

CONSTANTLY on the phone or computer. He repeats the same stories to everyone. He tells my mom what she can do which drives her nuts. He just mopes around. He needs to go back to work before he drives us all nutty.

My Sister:

Never stops defending herself. She sits and watches everyone else work. She leaves a mess wherever she goes. She is as useless as tits on a boar. She needs to go back to work too.

ME:

Going crazy! I have slept on every possible couch and bed since I have been gone. I have reworn my same outfits over and over again. I constantly look tired. I am tired. I miss my normal life. BUT I am getting out today! My good friend lives here and is taking me to lunch. I can't wait to have a glass of wine.

See I told you, nothing new, just blue. Oh and my mom doesn't really want us to watch tv. I get it but MAN do I miss some of my shows.

6 Babypops

I wanted to give everyone an update on me. I feel so faraway from the online world. Time has really been spent just spending time with family. My mom is looking really good. She is getting better everyday. We went in for the consult yesterday. The cancer is stage 4. It is in place throughout her body but mainly her breasts. BUT she has decided to do chemo. We will start it the week of the 7th. They said it wouldn't be her cure but it would help the quality of her life. We are still believing for perfect healing. Thank you all for praying and encouraging me.

Last night, mom and I stayed up late talking and sharing. It helps me understand more and more on her choices. She does realize she was dumb and let it go too far. My heart still hurts. I still wish life was different but we can't live there.

NOW onto more upbeat news!!! My retrieval went wonderful. They got 10 eggs. 8 were mature. They were able to fertilized 6. I now have 6 babypops waiting for me when I get home and settled. I think about them everyday. How crazy am I?

Keep us in your prayers. I will try to check in when I can. You are all the best!

Twiddling My Thumbs

I should be at work today. Everyone else woke up griping about spring break being over. Everyone dreaded seeing the kids. Here I sit, in bed, planning my day, trying not to over think.

I called last week and got my leave of absence taken care of. Making that call was so sad. Having to verbalize what was going on to a stranger wasn't fun. I also went to work to get things in order on Friday. I had all these intentions. I barely could breathe. Poor Grumps watched me run around with my head cut off. I left it all for my team to take care of. I feel awful.

My mom is having more tests run today at the cancer hospital. We will get more answers on Friday. I got more information about her physical state and the cancer yesterday. It continues to break my heart. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried.

I am holding onto faith. God is in the middle of it all.

________________________________________

Last night I triggered, or should I say Grumps did. He did a great job considering he was scared to death. I caught the spear action he took on me from the corner of my eye. I freaked just a bit. I am sore today. We go in for retrieval tomorrow morning. I fly out to my family Wednesday afternoon.

I cannot thank you enough for your strength through your comments and emails. I feel surrounded by all of you.

In My Arms

Is where I wish you were today. Hearing you giggle. Watching you try to walk. Being close by.

My little angel I miss you today more than ever before.

Your grandmother is coming home to you soon. She is the best at rocking you to sleep. You won't miss her. Her smile is so big and her words are so gentle. Enjoy her for me.



The song is my heart's cry. I found the video on youtube.

________________________________________________________

They are giving my mom 2 to 4 weeks to live. They are heading to the cancer hospital today. They will see the doctors tomorrow and have more tests run. The information could change but the cancer is really bad. I go to the doctor this morning for monitoring. We need to talk about this cycle. There is a possibility we will either retrieve and freeze or cancel. If we cancel I will leave tomorrow to be with my family. If nothing else I will be there next week until the end. I am taking leave from work. I don't want to watch my mom die but I can't stay home. We are still praying for a miracle.

All that my mind can think of is, how do I live in a world without my mom. She is so amazing. In fact there is a package at the post office from her for us for Easter. Her love never stops.

Thank you so much for the many comments and emails. I feel surrounded by love.

Give Your Mama a Kiss

Today my mind is heavy and so is my heart. Thoughts, scenes and memories are flooding me.

I got the call yesterday morning. My dad was taking my mom to the ER. She had shortness of breath. I began to pray and wait. After church I was headed to meet up with the DC bloggers when I got the second call. My dad was calling me back.

"Sunny, the doctor just left the room. We just got the news." My dad was struggling to stay composed. I could tell he was about to lose it.

"Your mom has cancer. It is in both breasts and in her chest cavity. She has had it for 5 years. I felt her breast this morning and it is hard as a rock. She doesn't want chemo or radiation. The hospital cannot help her. They are sending her home with things to help her breathe. She is strong. We are believing God will heal her." He then chokes up and blames himself. "I should have known. I would ask her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating, why did she have the cough. She would give excuses." My dad's heart was broken. The reason he lives is for my mom and now she is sick. Very sick.

All I can do is stay strong for him. Listen. Let him ramble. I ask a couple of questions, but I am in shock myself. I asked if he wanted me to call my brother. He was thankful I offered. He said he couldn't make it through another phone call. I hung up with my dad feeling so very far away.

I called Grumps, still composed. He sent me home. No lunch with the girls. I began to call my friends who knew I was waiting for the phone call. Without asking they said they were on their way to my house. I then began to cry. I cried all the way home. I cried alone on my couch waiting. I finally composed myself and called my brother. As soon as I heard his voice and began to tell him the news I broke. He broke. In fact he pretty much hung up on me. He was so at a loss.

My girls and Grumps arrived at the house. My favorite junk food was brought to feed the troops, stuff for rice krispy treats, ice cream, and choco chip cookie dough. They let me cry. They held me. They made me laugh. They helped me forget for a moment how my world was unraveling. I am so thankful for my friends. They knew what to do.

Grumps was amazing. He busied himself with taking care of the girls. He was the one who made the cookies. My husband doesn't cook. BUT he read the instructions, made the biggest cookies ever and even put them on the cooling rack. He is my hero.

The rest of the day was a blur of tears and phone calls. My mom called to check on me. Oh so her to make sure we were all right. You could hear the smile in her voice. I told her I was sad and angry. She told me later that night she was only trying to protect us. She didn't want to rock our world. She was waiting for God to take it away. It just hasn't happened yet.

I want to be there right now with my mom. I want to make food for her. I want to clean her house. I want to watch movies, tell stories and just be in her presence. Yet I am here in the middle of my first IVF cycle. I have debated ending it and flying there. I don't think she would want that. She is surrounded by those who love her. I will go soon. I am not sure when. I need more information. There is talk of taking her to a top hospital near my brother. If that is the case it would be so easy to fly there. But my head is spinning.

Every thing that comes out of my mouth makes me think of my mom. Every thing I do is something she taught me. Pictures in my house bring back memories. I want to make more of those moments with my mom. I want my children to know her. I am not giving up hope. I just wish my mind would turn off and be at peace.

I will stand firm this Easter on what Jesus did for us. His stripes are for my mom's healing.

Call your mom's today. If she lives close, give her a kiss and hug. If she is far make a visit. Enjoy every moment you can with her.

Good Things

Its been awhile. I am alive! I know you were all worried. HA!

*I opened a REALLY good bottle of wine tonight.

*Toasting AF for showing.

*Lupron for work.

*S's retrieval and growing babies!

*Stims begin tonight!!!

*I am not sick anymore. (Puked behind my trailer yesterday at school. Of course the rumor mill is thinking I am pregnant including parents.)

*4 more sleeps and Spring Break is here!!!

*My heart friend got married this past weekend! I have been holding her hope for years! Her hope came true. Now she continues to hold mine.

*I have a good man. Even though he is TERRIFIED of giving me shots, he asked today if I needed his help. So sweet but I have it under control for now.

*Good friends who check on me and cheer me on!

*Finally, I believe my retrieval and transfer will be next week. NO MORE inlaws knowing! We can still keep it a secret!

So there is my little quick list.

On my bad side:

*I have UGLY cramps that stupid tylenol won't even touch!

*For some stupid reason my zits have moved from my face down to between my boobs. What the ...!

*Sleep still isn't my friend. I MISS good sleep!

One is the Loniest Number

You have an appointment with your RE for one of your million procedures. Your amazing husband has a job which makes it hard to take time off. You on the other hand have to take the entire day because all 'procedure' appointments are right dab in the middle of the day.

As you walk in you try to be confident with each step. You try not to look at the sea of people. If you do, you will notice you are alone and they are a couple. In my head I wonder what they are thinking about me, coming alone to a big scary office?

My confidence carries me through it all. One is a very lonely number but you have to do what you have to do. There are times my great friends go with me. D really can't anymore. Her belly is too big to hide as not pregnant. So I now go alone.

Today was my mock embryo transfer. I don't think I will ever enjoy someone looking at my girl and putting things in it. A quick wanding is one thing. A stare, push, probe, this and that is NEVER fun! One good thing, all is good and clear. Lupron begins next week. My meds arrive on Saturday. Soon it will be time to get organized!

Do you go to your appointments alone, with a friend or with your 'lover'?

The Schedule

We got our tentative schedule in the mail today. The drugs are listed. The dates are there. My eyes went right to big dates.

Remember us wanting to keep this a secret from our family? The 'date' for our retrieval and all that jazz is during Grumps' parents visit. I feel sick about it all. There is no way to hide the doctors appointment, shots in the butt or me on bed rest.

When I shared the 'dates' with Grumps he wasn't impressed. I wanted to hear, "No worries dear. It will all work out. They will be glad to help out during that time." Instead I got, "Great I guess we will be telling them. Great I guess you will have to stay home when we go out. Great they wanted to do stuff with you too. Great...." UGH!

Now I am all anxious and yuck inside. Why can't things work out the way they are supposed to?
Oh and I will get to bring my lupron injections with us to Iris' wedding. How do you take needles on a plane in your carry on?

His Words

I'm a sucker for cards. I keep everyone depending on who gave them to me.

Grumps' cards, I have them all!

I love the card but the words that are written move my heart and will never be forgotten.

No matter what happens, I'll always love you. Thanks for being so good to me!

Love,
Grumps

I have never needed those words more than now. I hope they are true.

I told you, I am pretty breakable.

Not How We Thought It Would Be

I have been toying with a title for this post for days. Here are a few of them.

5 year anniversary - yep we have been doing this dance for 5 years. I could have had a 4 year old if it had worked the way it is 'supposed to'.

5 out of 7 - how many days I was at the RE last week.

Busted - my IUI cycle.

Laying EGGS - I had more eggs than my body knew what to do with them.

A year of my fertile life - about how many eggs I lost this month.

The Big Scary Step - what is now upon us.

And finally what I ended up with!

Lets just skip to the chase. There will be no IUI this week. I over produced. I had over 20 follicles form. 12 turned into something. 7 to 9 moved into good sized follicles for producing something. The idea of IVF got thrown out there by the BIG office but quickly got taken back by the real thinkers who know my cycle. There was talk of if I would consider selective reduction if needed in order to go through with this IUI. I couldn't make that call. So I got the call Monday afternoon to end this little game we were playing and go onto the pill. I haven't been on the pill in over 8 years. I was also told to use another form of protection of we had relations. We haven't used protection in 5 years.

With all this disappointment and throwing around ideas Grumps and I were left frustrated. We are tired of playing games and changing schedules to fit my bodies schedule. We are tired of the maybes and oops each month. We have decided to move towards IVF.

We sat together in silence letting the idea sink in. We were sad. Sad because we never thought we would have to be here. In fact at the beginning of all of this we both pretty much said we would never go down this road. Grumps was for sure not bending on the idea. Now it was decided on without much discussion.

I talked with my amazing RE! (He called the day of the cancellation making sure I was okay and being there to answer questions. He also answered my email right away. What doctor has email?) I didn't want to be on the pill for 2 months before we could start everything. So this is my pill and lupron month. I will start my lupron shots the first week of March.

I know YEAH for moving ahead. YEAH this will work. YEAH I am so excited. I have heard it all. But we all know it might not. I am guarding myself. I am guarding Grumps too. We aren't telling family right now. I don't want them to be disappointed. You can cheer us on but be careful, we are pretty breakable.

Stupid People

We all here stupid advice ALL the time. Remember my boss and her advice to surround myself with the pregos and let their hormones consume me? Well she came back with more advice!

I explained about my upcoming IUI, blah blah blah, to her during my midyear evaluation. You won't believe her advice! A little back ground knowledge, her step daughter has gone through IVF a few times. Now she thinks she understands my pain.

Here we go with the advice!

*Sunny, just think of IUIs like girls who get pregnant on their first try. The only girls who get pregnant on their first try are young teenagers in the back of cars. No one gets pregnant with IUIs. It is just a stepping stone for you. IVF will do the trick. Pay your dues and time and then move onto the real money maker.

What the heck? That is advice and encouragement? I think it is more like the mark of a STUPID PERSON!

Onto the best advice EVER in my life!

I went in for a massage a few weeks ago. I was STRESSED out about everything. I needed relief. When the lady asked why I was there I explained about my stress. She begins to give me advice.

*My niece (I am think her niece had trouble with IF and I am going to hear how she did this and that and now she has a kid.) is pregnant. She lives in Hawaii (pronounced more like Hawaikkeekee). You should go visit Hawaii. When you are there you will see many pregnant bellies near the ocean taking in the beauty of the earth. You will also see dolphins swimming through the ocean showing off their little ones that were just born. The vibes and wholeness of it all will transcend into you and create life. Just go to Hawaii and surround yourself.

I thought I was going to either throw up right there at her feet or laugh my head off. Instead I nodded my head and went inside to my happy peaceful place!

Any good STUPID PEOPLE advice lately?

Just Shoot Me!

Man I hate how long I have left you all hanging. Like you wait for every update! I have been so busy with work, shots in the belly, monitoring, and SICK that blogging has been on the back burner. Actually, I have wanted to blog so bad but by the time I get into bed with my laptop (Oh so romantic) all I want to do is check my email and watch tv.

Today was one of my worst days teaching in a good chunk of time. I have sent 2 kids to the office in the past 2 days. That is more than my entire 9 years of teaching. I am at a loss for the behavior in my classroom. Of course the mom of one of the kids thinks I suck so she wants a conference with the assistant principal, counselor and me. Thank God I have kept at least the counselor involved in all of this. I wish I could go into more detail but it all just SUCKS being me right now.

Of course my IUI is next week along with the 100th day of school, staff meeting, 2 conferences, GT crap (wanting to use a much harsher word), and stupid Valentines day. I am sure there is something else mixed in with all of that. Oh maybe it is Grumps working Vday evening due to the 'timing' of our IUI.

Well being a teacher is a joy, can't you tell? Seriously if you want my job IT IS YOURS! On top of the behavior issues I get a conversation of THIS at least once a week. Enjoy!

*Mrs. Grumps are you going to lay a baby? (yep you heard me, lay a baby! There are 10 pregos at work. My kids are obsessed!)

*I laugh and say, NOPE, no laying a baby here!

*Then my obnoxious kid asks how long I have been married.

*10 years.

*He replies with, "MY GOSH you should have had a baby by now. What is the problem? When are you going to have a baby?!

*My reply, after dealing with parents and sending kids to the office, "When God gives me my miralce." (I don't care if I say 'God' in a public school. In fact one of the kids was like, "Oh my gosh she said 'god!' Oooooooo)

*Then one girl, who I was going to say was sweet but in fact is a brat said, "Guys, even if God doesn't give her a baby, at least she has Itsy to love her. She is like her child."

My friend is listening to all of this flabbergasted. Her heart is broken and just doesn't know what to say. All I can do is laugh at the sweetness of children. The world is not only NOT seen in race but also not in IF terms with children!

I haven't forgotten about my stupid people post! It will come!

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have enjoyed my night being PISSED in my beer with my good friend and Grumps! Fat food and drinks RULE!

The Let Down

You can all stop holding your breath! It was a negative. I pretty much knew it would be since cramps have been my best friend. Gotta love the warning!

Grumps did take the phone call for me. It felt good knowing I didn't have a call waiting for me in my voicemail at work. When I called him to find out the results I could hear it in his voice. He said it was the worst call ever. It made him feel so awful when they start with, Hello, may I speak to .... I just wanted to let you know... in a very sad voice.... that it is a negative. YUCK! BUT Grumps said he was glad he could do that for me. He would do it every time. LOVE YOU!

They believe the reason for it not working (whatever they have no clue) is because my lining was so thin. No more Clomid and the Big G for me! Onto all injections. YIPEE!!! So my cycle should start on Friday and we will start this crazy ride all over again.

Onto better things, going for wings and beer! I can't stop singing, There's a tear in my beer!!!

Thank you for cheering me on and being there for me this month! Here's to more fun next time!

My next post will be all about stupid people! I know you can't wait!!!

Oh one more thing, there is another pregnant person at work! LOVE IT!