Full of my new favorite word!

I am done! DONE WITH IT ALL! I don't want pity I just have to yell

I AM DONE! DONE WITH HOPE! DONE WITH IT ALL!

Today is day 30 of my cycle. Ladies I NEVER go that long. Okay there have been a couple of months. So I wasn't going to test but I couldn't help myself. I was full of hope. All month I haven't even thought about being pregnant. I barely tried. I would check my chart once in a blue moon and then move on. NO HOPE! I just didn't care. I am trying to enjoy where I am.

BUT it all started yesterday. I was expecting my cycle to start. NOPE it didn't happen. I was shocked. I went to bed thinking about being pregnant. Thinking, WOW it would be a miracle. It must be all the dang vitamins and what not that I am on. It must be doing the deed twice in one day. That just doesn't happen. I try to stay grounded but I wake up early consumed by it. AF still isn't here. I even got like 5 emails in the past couple of weeks telling friends to pray for me or whatever. I thought, "It must be for my baby." NOPE it must be for me getting the freaking B**ch!

I go to a 1 year birthday party FULL OF HOPE! I am even wearing the necklace. I had checked when I would be due before I left the house. I had sworn to never do that again. I am so full of hope by the time that I leave the party, I stop and buy I f'ing test!

Big FREAKING FAT NEGATIVE!

I AM DONE!

I will not even mark on my chart when AF shows anymore. I will mark it down somewhere to remember the date but no more counting days or weeks. This summer is about me. I will enjoy my freedom and life to the max. Screw trying to get pregnant. I am over it this month!

Can you tell I am so done with all this sh*t? There, I said it! My favorite word!

Just Give it Time

Here is the song from my "Trying Hard" moment. It all has to get better, no matter how it ends. There has to be an ending. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Just Give it Time by JON MCLAUGHLIN
still waters and heavy hearts,
and plans we made all fell apart,
disillusioned and lost in the grace
and how can we fix the heart when it breaks,
you don't know how much more you can take,

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright just give it time, give it time

quiet landslide that nobody knows,
regretted decisions that nobody chose,
under water, sinking fast
and no way out, no way to get back
what might have been is lost in the past

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright
just give it time

(and the web your in?)
and still you give
it all fades out,
you reached the end
your giving in now, now

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright
just give it time, yea time

*Okay it is super late. I am going to kick myself in the morning for staying up so late searching for a stupid audio/video clip of this song. Oh well... I give up! Enjoy the words!

Book Tour #4 Waiting for Daisy

To be very honest, I never got to finish the book. I know, I am a bad book club member. I don't know what I was thinking signing up at the very end of the school year. BUT I did read and skim through most of the book. It was interesting reading the journey of Peggy Orenstein. Our journeys are different but infertility is the bottom line. Here are my thoughts on some of the questions given.

I was really touched by the visit to the Jizo garden for Peggy to honor the baby she lost. What ritual helped you in the healing process after you experienced a loss?

This may sound crazy but right after my miscarriage the major part of my healing process was taking baths with 'crying' music. I needed an outlet to cry and grieve in private. I was so hurt and wasn't sure anyone could understand. I didn't want to be seen crying. I would weep in my bath.

I then began to take early morning walks to cry out before God or just flat out cry and be angry before I went to work. It was the only way I could get myself in the right frame of mind to be 'normal' at work. As the weeks went on I was able to turn that energy towards praying for all of my pregnant friends. It was like I was able to let go.

Finally I would talk to my little angel. I would talk to others who were going through it. I didn't want to just think, "Well I was pregnant once." I wanted to remember my little one and how I felt while I carried 'her'. I also would repeat the due date over and over again in my mind so that I would never forget 'her' day.

So my rituals were very different than Peggy's. I had all these grand plans of lighting candles or what not but I could only do what came natural to me. Ways of surviving.

Peggy Orenstein says, 'The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint; IUI was hardly more complex than a turkey baster. You're not aware of how subtly alienated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its 'achievement'." Does this accurately describe your experience? Would you say you have become alienated from your body while struggling with infertility?

I don't see my journey like the way Peggy described it. I poured myself into researching and finding answers to my questions. I studied procedures, tests and medications. I wanted to be very aware of what would happen, what was happening, and what would happen in the end. I would visualize everything as it was taking place. It has never felt quaint. In fact, it has felt haunting. Almost as if I am standing over myself watching at times.

Now I do agree with Peggy about the distortion that takes place. I don't know how it can be any different if you have been on this long for a long time. You forget what you are doing. You just do what you have to do to receive your goal. I have tried to remind myself why I am here and doing all of these crazy things but after awhile it just becomes routine.

On p. 233, Orenstein describes what infertility cost her: "Becoming a parent can't give me back the time ... obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for trashing my marriage." How is your experience with infertility and the toll it has taken on your life similar or different from Orenstein's?

I am not at the end of my journey. I don't know how I will be when I finally do end it with or without a child. BUT I do know that I will not let it ruin me or create bitterness. When I hear words like torment or trashing I think bitterness. I have to look at the time I have been on this journey as a growing period. I am tired of growing but yet I am still changing for the better. It has tested friendships and love. But part of purifying and growth is all about testing. Testing hurts. Because of my journey I can put myself into other's shoes and try to understand better where they are and where they have come from. Without my hardships I couldn't truly be compassionate and understand. YES I would much rather have a little one in my arms right now but truly I am thankful for what I have learned and gained. I never want to look back on this time as a loss.

Now that you read my thoughts on the book ... Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

Trying Hard

I am trying very hard this morning to paste a smile on my face.

I am trying hard not to be bitter.

I am very hard not to say, "Why not me?"

I want to be happy for others. I am trying to do this~!

Trying to see the brighter side.

Trying to understand.

BOY is it ever hard!

Of course I asked for this announcement. I didn't want to hear about it face to face. I asked for her to test. I wanted to just get it over with. I was hoping for good things but yet hoping I got it first. The odds were stacked up against her. She is over weight and older. So is her husband. She has only been trying for a VERY short time. I am so glad she didn't have to go through the pain of it all. But why not me?

Okay I slipped. I guess I am not trying hard enough. Thank God I haven't cried yet. Thank God I checked my work email before I left the house. Thank God I have a long commute to try to be composed before I had to see her this morning.

I heard a song on my ride in this morning that will help me fake it through the day. Of course I can't find it now that I need it!

*Please don't think I am not happy for you. I truly am. It is just bittersweet. There is nothing that can change it!

Bad Habit Induced by Infertility

I just realized the other day that I have MANY bad habits which are semi recent. I totally blame infertility to ALL OF THEM! Some I love and others I wish I could break!

Here's my list in no particular order.

Drinking! I enjoyed a little this or that at times but I drink almost every day. SO BAD! I drink wine and liquor. I am actually getting a wine gut.

Swearing! Yep I have picked up a little favorite word that I catch myself whispering, thinking and saying when those swear moments happen. I NEVER swore! In fact I am known for my silly made up swear words. But now I use sh*t constantly. Then lets add the bad habit of drinking to this and I use other good words. I would love to get rid of this habit even though I find it fun!

Eating! I have always loved to eat BUT after my mom told me I could lose a few pounds I dropped quite a bit. I was proud of my loss and looking nice and thin. The past 4 years I have gained a big chunk back. BOO HISS!!! I have lost and gained, lost and gained, lost and gained. Right now I am on the gain side of things. I look fine but totally have backfat. The tire is starting to form. I am too old to start gaining. It just won't come off as easily now. Okay to be honest, I haven't tried in a long time. I have enjoyed every fat bite and take pride in the fact that I do eat bad. HELP ME STOP!

Negative Nancy! We have chatted about this before. It isn't a bad thing but it isn't a good thing either. I guess it is more the "Whatevers" than the "Negatives". I want to be naive again.

Lazy Lover! Grumps and I 'talked' about this today. I just do what I need to do to make him happy. So crazy! I let him be a taker and not a giver. I don't want that. Of course when I do ask for more I don't get it. I rarely ask. I made him repeat after me today as we were 'having a moment' "I am a taker, not a giver!" I should demand more!

Big Spender! Man I can spend the money now. I don't shop often but when I do I drop the dollars. I have happy hour at least once a week with D. We don't go to cheap places. We order food and LOTS OF DRINKS at top prices. I buy wine and more wine all the time. I really need to cut back. I am sure Grumps would like that.

I am sure there are more bad habits. I should ask Grumps what he thinks but I know it would start a 'discussion'.

Hold My Hope

I have been wanting to post about this for a long time but had to wait until someone got theirs.

Nicole Sarvay from Baby Lust creates the most amazing jewelry. One day I found the most perfect necklace for the place in my life. I was low. I was down. I didn't have any hope. But my friends were carrying mine for me. I am sure you remember. I just had to have this necklace.

I emailed Nicole and asked her about them. She had sold out and would start making me 3 as soon as she got the pendants.

I has a desire to marry one day. To have all of her dreams come true. The road hasn't been easy for her. I want her to have all that she has ever wanted. I hold her hope and she holds mine. She was here when we lost our angel to heaven. She has sent notes, emails and packages to lift my spirits. She prays for me with the same deep longing for my dreams to come true as well.

D desires for a child. Her and her husband have lost 3 angels to heaven in the past year and a half. I hold her hope that one day she will have an earthly angel in her arms. She holds my hope. We meet every Thursday for happy hour. We send crazy emails all day and chat when there is nothing else to do. She went with me to many doctor appointments knowing that the outcome might be bad. She has sat with me as I cried for my little one. I have done the same for her.

When I wear my hope necklace I think of these 2 amazing women. I think of my hope for them and their hope for me. The other day D emailed to tell me that she was wearing my hope, holding out for last month's BFP. It made me smile.

I love you ladies!

*Take some time to check out Nicole's jewelry. It truly is amazing!!!

My Babies

The eggs all started in here.

The kids are completely in love along with a couple of teachers. They are super sweet. I am a little over them now. My kids are just out of control now. Thank heavens they go 'home' today. I know that my kids will be sad but it will be nice to have class back to normal.

I am still in shock that we have 10 little chicks. I never thought I would even get one out of them. Thanks for humoring me with my crazy thoughts about the chick eggs and my eggs.




They think that the light is their mom. They huddle most of the day together. WAY too cute!

I Am Fertile After All!

Well maybe not bodily eggs but my chick eggs are!

On Monday when I was leaving work I heard cheeping sounds coming from a couple of the eggs. When I got to work the next day we had 2 eggs starting to hatch. On took all day to finally finish and it didn't look the best. The other egg had its beak out all day but never did anything. I was sure it was a goner. I saw one egg that was wiggling around but nothing was coming from the rest.

I couldn't believe what I saw when I got to work yesterday. I had 5 chicks fully hatched waiting for me and the kids. We were all so excited. There were 2 more eggs that were hatching and finished before we left for home. So today I am hoping that at least the one egg that was starting yesterday finished. Maybe I will be surprised with my last egg finished as well.

I wanted to cry when I saw those little chicks working so hard to get out. When they finally dried off my heart melted with their little yellow fluffy selves. They are the cutest things ever. When I left work yesterday they were all curled up together asleep.

Now I have to say that these little boogers sure have caused a storm to brew in my room. My kids aren't getting a dang thing done because they can't stop looking or thinking about those little yellow fluff balls.

I will provide pictures this afternoon of the little miracles. Now if we could only get my eggs and whatever to do their thing too!

Being Alone

With Mother's Day here all I can think about is my little one who should be in my arms. D's little ones who should be in her arms. All the little babies that have been dreamed about, longed for, and even felt but lost to a better place.

Grumps and I went flower shopping today. He is the one who plants all the flowers in the flower beds. I just refill his glass with his beverage of choice. I don't like getting dirty. I didn't really want to go out today. I knew what I would see. But he wanted me there to help make decisions even though he is always the final voice of wisdom. He really wanted me there to guard his cart. Last year he went alone and his flowers were stolen.

I knew that I would see fathers with their little ones picking out potted flowers and what nots for their mothers. I knew that I would see mothers picking out what would go in the flower beds this year. I knew I would see signs for Mother's Day lunch all around. But I went anyway. It was bittersweet. With the windows down and the music playing I let the wind touch my skin and remind me that I have a good thing. An amazing husband. Tears still welled up in my eyes thinking about this year.

I should have been holding my little one in my arms while we went shopping. We would have giggled. Grumps would have talked to 'her' about why we should get this flower over that one. We would have set outside together watching Grumps plant them instead of just me and the dog.

On the way home a song came on my iPod that I hadn't really listened to before. The words hit home. I am sure the song has nothing to do with infertility. It just spoke to me today. I love my life. I have an amazing life. I just don't want to be alone one day. I want my child to help take care of me. Selfish but true. I don't want to ever be alone.

The last line rings so true these days. "I am not afraid of drowning. It's the breathing that's taking all this work."

Watching Wallpaper Dry

That is what we do all the time. We watch and wait for the wallpaper to dry. We wait for our cycles to start, cycles to end. Insurance to be switched. We wait for appointments, test results and answers. We wait for our D&C to be scheduled. We wait for our hearts to stop hurting. We wait for the pain to leave. We might even get to wait to finally have our little ones.

SO what do you do during your wait?

If you are me you:

Have happy hour at least 3 times a week with amazing friends and drinks. Yesterday D and I enjoyed 2 bottles of wine for 4 hours at one of our favorite restaurants on the deck. I have a farmer's tan to prove it. Last week we all downed 5 swirls in honor of a crap week!

Visit many wineries and purchase bottle after bottle to be consumed when Aunt Flow shows instead of celebrating. I am running low right now.

Plan party after party after party. My last party was our second karaoke party. It was the best by far! This week will be a 'toy party'. I have a to do a mile long. Rice Krispy Penises, food, Sex on the Beach punch. Thursday can't get here fast enough.

Lots of blog reading. There are days when I feel so behind and others when I scream at my laptop begging for a new post from anyone. Thank God for Google Reader. I no longer have to check each of my blogs. I can just hit next on my tabs and BAM I get updates!

TV TiVo TV TiVo TV TiVo Once a month I get caught up! There are always shows to watch, old and new.

As you can see I keep pretty busy. Sometimes too busy. Other times not busy enough. Remember the flicker of hope? Well the flicker has grown only to be slowly dying again. Man my boobs have been crazy with symptoms. BUT tonight I feel AF dragging her heavy bags in for a little long weekend trip. UGH!~

Anyone want to throw back some tequila with me?

Chicken Killer

I know that you are all hanging on the edge of your seats waiting to hear if I have chickens growing. HA! Well we do. All 12 little eggs showed life. Now the next 2 weeks might prove to not produce life but I feel better knowing that at least they started right.

BUT I did turn into the chicken killer. As I was showing the kids the eggs on the overhead, looking to see life inside, I dropped one of the eggs on the overhead. YEP all the kids gasped including me. The boom crack just sucked! Tears filled my students' eyes when they saw the cracked bottom of the egg. They all started calling me a 'murderer' and a 'chicken killer'. They even put that I killed a chicken in their learning logs.

Nothing is leaking out but it is majorly cracked on it's air sac. The only thing that made my kids feel better is I promised to show them the inside of the egg once the chick stopped growing. I know, I am a sick teacher.

They might be scarred for life but it is a learning moment.

A Flicker of Hope

We have talked a lot about hope around here. (I am too lazy to link to any hope posts. If you want to read them click on my hope label.) I even have a 'hope' necklace that I will post about later. After my last cycle with the nice IUI we are on hold. I have come to grips with that. I truly don't expect to get pregnant on my own. Now if God wants to do His thing, I am cool with that.

Well now I am on day 20 something of this cycle. I have taken it very easy. No temping and just doing whatever whenever without stress or fear. We did have moments around the right time so there is always that flicker of hope. But it is amazing how the same stupid thoughts start up even though I said this would be an easy and fun time of waiting.

My boobs hurt. I can't stop thinking about how big and hard and painful they are. I am sure they feel the same every month but of course that stupid flicker kicks in every time.

Then I started thinking, I know to make a baby but do I REALLY know how? I have read the books, blogs, websites, message boards. I have checked my cm for FOREVER and my temp just as long. I have done the every day of sex. Every other day of sex. All month of sex. 2 weeks of sex. SEX SEX SEX. (WOW I am going to get hits for that one!) We do it the good ole missionary way. The hips have come up. The legs high in the air. Instead cups and DRY sex have also been tried. I have laid on my back throughout the entire night, never getting up to go to the bathroom.

With all that said, am I doing it wrong? Seriously, have you ever thought that? Have you ever wondered if you are just plain stupid? It is like the person who truly believes with all her heart that she is an incredible singer but it completely tone deaf and can't carry a tune. I know that I am doing it right but sometimes I just wonder.

Anyone else crazy like me?

Baby Chicks

I am a second grade teacher. This year I am the chicken lady at school. The old chicken lady retired and passed on her chicken supplies to me. I have 12 little eggs that we are trying desperately to take care of. We hope to have some of them hatch in a couple of weeks.

Today is the day we should be able to see if any of them have developed or fertilized. I am afraid. I have told the kids to pray that we see at least one chick inside the egg.

My fear is in my infertilness even these eggs won't turn into baby chicks. It sounds stupid but it is a true fear. I have laughed about it and told others who look at me like I am a freak. But seriously, what if I can't even get baby chicks to hatch?

SO I ask you to say a prayer for my little eggs in hopes that we see at least one little chicken growing today inside an egg.

I Love My Grumps

It all started with me coming home on Friday sad and broken hearted for D and me. He set up the hammock. I needed time to think and be. I came inside after awhile upset. Grumps held me and said, "Is it the wine or your heart talking?" I got to love how much he knows me. It was both. He held me and let me cry without words of wisdom just arms of love.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I needed to get out of the house. We decided to go downtown to the waterfront where we love to sit and drink and eat and sit and drink and eat. I was afraid Grumps would be tight with the money since it has been the talk lately. Not yesterday. He told me that I could have what I wanted and when I wanted it. I SO took advantage of it!

Today was church. We got to the announcements: Mother's Day, BABY DEDICATIONS! I was just about to lean over and say, "We aren't going." I knew he knew that we weren't since we hadn't in 3 years. It was silent for a second and then he leans over and says, "We should bring the dog to get dedicated." I laughed so hard and so loud. SO PERFECT! He felt my sad heart but wanted it to be light again.

YES he can drive me crazy but he also can be just what I need.

Now I am on the deck in the sun enjoying wine and good music. I also re potted plants. It was the only thing on my to do list last summer when my world fell apart. I have been putting it off since. Today was the perfect day for it. I am feeling good. I am feeling strong. I even had moment with Grumps that wasn't business driven. Maybe the old me is back for a bit!

My Wish

D this is for you and anyone else who needs their wish to come true!

My Wish

Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you wanna go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.
But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

*I looked hard to find the song or video to post but no luck.

Angel after Angel

I always wanted to walk this hard walk with a friend who totally understood in every way. D became that friend. We have carried each other through many tough spots.

D and I were supposed to be pregnant together. I would have been 2 weeks behind her if my IUI had worked. We were both sad to know that our plans didn't work.

I was so happy to know she was going to have her baby in her arms in December. I was a little jealous. I was a little sad knowing that our friendship would change but I was so happy!

Today she found out that she is losing another angel to heaven. Her third angel.

I now wish she never knew what it felt like. I wish she never had to walk this awful road. I wish her dreams would come true the first time like most people. I wish she could have her dream and I could have mine.

D now has 3 angels. 3 precious little ones to play with my baby. I cannot wait until the day I can hold her babies in my arms and listen to their giggles.

D I LOVE YOU! I am here for you but I know I don't even need to tell you that.

This sucks so drinks are on me!

So Hard

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

Dixie Chicks

I know that this song has been around for awhile. I heard it the other day driving home from work. It was perfect for how I have been feeling. Why does it all have to be so hard? Why can't it be easy?

I Need a Pity Party

Eating and drinking has been fun the past 2 weeks. I am afraid to get on the scale. But I am enjoying being bad. HA!

I am so feeling left behind. I have been lapped over and over again. My years of trying are beginning to add up. I know that there are others who have been on this road WAY longer but right now it feels like eternity.

My marriage has changed. I can't even begin to figure this out. We don't get each other any more on the heart of the matter. We both just ignore it.

I am beginning to wonder if I want a child because I can't have one or because it is a true desire. I used to dream of a family. Now I dream of what seems like I can't have. My mind seems so twisted. I doubt my true intentions any more.

How easy would it be to just live my life the way it is now. It is so full. If I just say, "I give up. It is over." Would I be happy? Would others understand or would they look at me as a failure?

I feel myself pulling away from everything and everyone.

Any wisdom? I don't need lip service but serious wisdom.

Barren Bitches Book Tour 3: The Time Traveler's Wife

I read The Time Traveler's Wife last year before I had a miscarriage myself. It touched me to the core of my being. I fell in love with the characters and found myself pleading God for a different ending. After my own loss of an angel to heaven I began to think about this book again and again. It began to haunt me. I had an even more connection with it. This is a book that should be read over and over to be reminded of love and loss.

Take some time to read the questions and comment as they touch you. If you haven't read the book, do. You will never be the same.

Don't forget to hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

Onto the questions!!!

Loss (and unrealized dreams) are a theme in this story -- Henry loses his mother, Clare loses Henry often and sometimes for long stretches, Clare's grandmother loses her brother and her husband, etc. At one point, her grandmother asks Clare, "do you ever miss him?" She replies, "every day, every minute. Every minute, yes that's the way, isn't it?" ... Self-pity floods me as though I've been injected with it. It's that way, isn't it? Isn't it?" How has your loss and/or unrealized dream changed you?

I have been talking and thinking about this very thought all week. Before my unrealized dream of having a family and the loss of my little one to heaven I was every one's cheerleader. I was full of hope and optimism. I never wavered in doubt or faith. I ALWAYS saw the silver lining. Now that I am still waiting while many others have moved on to their dreams I am changed. I don't see the world quite the same. I still have a positive attitude but it is very guarded. I still cheer others on but deep inside I have a little doubt that never was there before. I long for the old me sometimes. I am not sure I like how I am changed.

That is the ugly change that has happened. I keep that part a secret. It only comes out when I am low and blue. I believe that there has been good change. I value life more. I cherish my friendships to a greater regard. I work hard to find the little blessings that are in my life that before would have gone unnoticed. I have compassion and understanding because I have felt loss. I now know what it means for God to be my everything.

If someone told you with certainty that you will have a baby sometime in the near future, like Clare was told, how would that affect you? Would it change your approach to cycling?

My hope would be restored. I would have a new strength to push forward past the loss and pain and disappointment. Knowing that my dream would be coming true at some point would give me the reason not to stop. But I also believe that it would drive me crazy each month even more. I would wonder if this was the month. I also wonder if I would relax or do the opposite and work harder, which is funny since you can only do so much in order to conceive. I also wonder if I would question the person as time went on and my dream still hadn't come true.

Now if only we could find that person who could tell me my future. :)

For Henry, time travel is a heavy burden; because of this, he is very reluctant to pass down his gene mutation to his offspring - particularly when it results in multiple miscarriages. Do you think Clare is being irresponsible in pushing to have a biological child that is both a part of she and Henry? Or is it more than being a parent in which she covets?

I believe that Clare is going with her heart. She longs to hold onto a part of Henry, hoping that the part of Henry that would be in her child would never leave her. She has always had Henry throughout her life, something that many of us never have experienced. I am sure she knows that he won't be with her for forever. Always having someone and then never having them there with you for the rest of time could destroy a person. I believe she never gave up hope and stopped trying for her biological child because it would mean she would be letting go of Henry forever.

If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?

When I read this book I had no idea what to expect. I had yet to have had a pregnancy/miscarriage. When I got to the part of the story where Clare had had many miscarriages and then woke up covered in blood I was so upset for her. I knew the longing that she had for that cycle to work. I cried and cried for her feeling the pain and sadness. I felt so empty for her. So hopeless. I began to beg for it to end and for her to have her dream. When she finally was pregnant again I worried for her. I was waiting for something awful to happen. When it never did I was so relieved.

Having this be a major part of the storyline helped me to have an even deeper connection with the book. I became Clare. I became Henry. I felt their pain. I felt my own pain.

The New Plan

SUCKS!

Yep that's right, there is a plan. It isn't my plan. I don't like the plan. But it is the new plan. You want to hear it?

First, Grumps and I communicate about as well as two strangers. We used to not be this way but since we have taken the road of infertility it has just gotten bad. We talk but neither listen. We think what we each want and hope that the other will agree with that. But we never do.

Going into this last IUI I knew that he wanted to wait until I could switch insurances. I told him that I couldn't wait. I needed to press on. He was totally for that. In my mind that meant he would push forward with me if this one failed. He would do whatever to afford the IUIs. In his mind he was thinking THIS WILL WORK! I wasn't thinking that.

SO the IUI fails. He wants me to take a break because of my mono. Why risk money/IUI if my mono could cause an unknown problem. I needed my RE to tell me that. He agreed with Grumps. I was fine with that. If the doctor who wants my money thinks a month off would help then I am all for it. I tell Grumps this when he gets home. He says, "Good, we can't afford it anyways." NICE! I got upset, he apologizes.

This goes on and on. I will just get to the point. We are waiting until I can switch to my work insurance in October before moving forward with anything. YEP 6 months!

Grumps says, "This will be a nice break." WHATEVER!

He says, "What is the RUSH!" Yea, we have really been rushing.

I tried to explain my heart, how I was feeling. I gave up. He doesn't get it.

I say, "I was hoping we would be pregnant before our miscarriage due date."

I also say, "I wanted to be pregnant before D had her baby. To be pregnant together."

He says, "I don't harbor hard feelings towards her. I am not jealous. You should be happy. This is hard for her too." SO MISSING THE POINT!

I cried and cried and am still crying. He left the room. But we are going to see his family this summer on the other side of North America.

I totally get what he is thinking, but that isn't what I am feeling. Now I really want to quit. Totally want to quit all of this.

I know many of you are thinking, "Why can't they afford IUIs? They are cheap." Not with my clinic. Our last one was $1600. The next one will be $1400 and then down to $1300. So it isn't a drop in the bucket.

MAN I was doing so good trying to be better about things but now I am just PISSED!

Words of Comfort

On the day of what would have been my due date, a friend sent me a verse to encourage me. She had read it in The Message, a plain today's language version. It touched my heart. I wrote it out on a stickie and stuck it on my laptop.

I read it this morning and was reminded of God's grace and comfort. Today is a new day. I will pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward.

Matthew 5:3 and 4

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

The Message

Pour Me a Glass of Wine

Oh wait, I already did!

That's right. I am not pregnant. I got the call from my nurse, NEGATIVE! I let my voice mail catch it while I was teaching. I took a moment outside my room to listen. I heard it in her voice before she even had to say anything. I deleted the message, took a breath, and walked back into my room to finish the day.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to just crawl under the covers for forever. But I pressed on and 'inspired' my kids!

My girls called and emailed. I felt hugs from all over the place.

I didn't know how to tell Grumps. I had planned to stop at the store and buy him something that said 'Daddy' today. I was torn about texting him, calling him, or waiting to tell him in person. He called me first. We shot the breeze for a couple of minutes and then I just say, "We aren't pregnant." He was so shocked. He totally had HUGE hope!

I had let myself start hoping yesterday. I had started planning and having HUGE hope. I wish I hadn't. Thank GOD I had others holding my hope the entire time. How hard it would have been if I had known all along that I was pregnant. Being that hopeful.

I came home and put on The Wreckers, opened the wine, started dinner and held back the tears. I wanted to cry alone. I didn't want Grumps to see my heart broken. He came up to grab dinner and pulled me out of my chair. He heard the music, saw the wine, and knew that my heart was hurt. He held me and let me cry. We don't do that very often. I cried really hard. I told him how I wish there wasn't money involved. The money part makes it hard. He said, "Don't worry about the money."

Now I just enjoy my life right NOW! We still need to talk about what's next. Do we spend more money for the next IUI like our RE wants to do? Or do we wait until the fall when I can switch insurances and not have to worry about the money? My heart says to go for another IUI. I am not sure what Grumps' brain is telling him.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support during this cycle. I don't' know how many of you do this month after month. I don't know how you go through IVF and make it out okay on the other side.

Off to finish my first glass of wine and start on the second.

I'm BACK!!!

We had a great time! I have a nice tan! I am super relaxed!

The 2ww started to kill me on Thursday.

My beta is Tuesday. I am dreading it. UGH!

I think I found a test under my sink. I am torn if I should test or not. UGH!

Baby Shower, Lubricants, and Food

I had a baby shower to go to yesterday. I was torn about going. I wanted to go but you know the drill. My friend had a miscarriage before mine. I knew that she understood one way or another. In the end I decided to go. I really wasn't worried about the gift time. That is the part I usually hate. I wasn't worried about the oohing and ahhing that always goes one. I was worried about being the only not pregnant or without children. It happens sometimes. During those showers the conversations are ALWAYS about their babies or children. I think I would have died. Thank God it didn't happen like that. But I decided that the only way an infertile can go to a baby shower is LOOKING HOT! All eyes are on you thinking, WOW she looks so good. If I don't have a child at least I can still dress nice. HA! I refused to look frumpy and people think, Oh poor Sunny, she is infertile. NOPE I didn't give them that chance.

Don't you like how my title has the word lubricants in it? HA! Here's the story. Being an infertile every chance we have that very romantic moment between the sheets with our husbands (okay I am trying to make it sound better than every time we have business sex) it could be the chance we get pregnant. So no lubricants can be used. Either we work hard to make our own OR we just sandpaper it and make it quick. Since we are going to Jamaica, the IUI is done, I am in the 2ww I decided that we need some lubes! I am sure we have some at home but I also don't know how old the stuff is. It has been a LONG time since it was used. Okay sorry for the long build up. I was in Target and decided that just a little tube would be perfect. I get the the protection aisle and there are 5 teenage boys there. They had no clue what to buy. They were laughing and nervous. One would say, "Get this one." The other would say, "No this one looks like fun." The boy that was buying them would just say, "Guys I don't have a clue." This went on for a good 5 minutes. I didn't want to embarrass them or bother them so I roamed all the other aisles but everyone could hear them. Finally after I walked until my feet hurt I almost went to help them. I was going to say, "Just get the regular ones. They are cheaper and work just fine." But by the time I got there they had left. I grabbed my little spray lube and laughed all the way to the counter. I couldn't wait to blog about that moment.

Finally I was so bad yesterday. Okay wait, I went to Whole Foods and bought all kinds of health pills to help me get over Mono. My mom gave me a list of things I needed to get healthy. So I had a bag of health in my car but decided to stop at McDonald's to get a snack wrap and fries. I NEVER eat there but it was calling my name. DON'T get the snack wrap. A waste of money. DO get a medium fry!!! THEN I ate chips and dip along with some candy and the health stuff. What is my problem? I should be feeding my body wonderful things but instead in goes crap!

Oh one more thing, I hate labeling. I am not a control freak. It actually stresses me out but since I started I have to continue. Don't ask me why but I just have to. I just needed to let you all know how much I hate them!

One more sleep until Jamaica!!!

Trying to Stay Grounded

I have been on this journey way too long to have that newbie feeling. You know the feeling.

It goes something like this:

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE MONTH!!!

I got my first opk telling me its a go. It must be the month.

The tech said that after my hsg many women get pregnant. OH IT IS ME THIS MONTH!

WOW my temps are super high. Or I had that nice perfect implantation dip! I am pregnant this month for sure.

My doctor gave me Clomid this cycle. This will be the one.

Okay do you have that feeling? The new feeling? That HUGE hope feeling? I have been on this road too long to even have that feeling anymore. Okay there have been times it jumps up but I stomp on it like a cockroach! I shout SHUT UP!

Now I have just done my first IUI. Yes, my FIRST! I should have those first feelings. They come for a bit but the reality hits. Why would it work for me? It hasn't worked for many of my friends. I read so many blogs that IVF isn't even working right now. WHY should the IUI work for me?

I so want it to work. Man, I would give anything for it to work. But to be very honest there is guilt there. Guilt that it worked for me and not my friends. Guilt that they would have that yuck feeling when they see me say "I got my BFP! It worked!!!" How sick is that? I don't want that. I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to have that stupid guilt.

I guess the remedy of it all would be to stop reading blogs. Of course I can't do that but my brain has been exposed to so much that I have lost that first feeling.

I am not sure if my thoughts make any sense. I am just thinking out loud.

The Verdict is In...

and I have MONO!!!!

Can you believe it? Can any thing else happen to me this month? Seriously!

I am feeling fine. Tired. My strep seems to be under control. My doctor said that the best remedy for Mono is REST IN JAMAICA!!!

We leave Monday!

A Little Peek

Today I got to see what the men see when they go into that little room. MAN I do feel a little bit sorry for them. Just a tiny bit.

The room was nice. It had a nice reclining chair. GROSS!!! All I could think about was how many men sat there and did their business. In front of the chair was a little tv, XXX movies and magazines and a sink with no mirror.

Man the pressure! The lady gave the directions, cup and instructions to ring the bell when we were done. We locked the door and began the jerk. HA! You could hear people walking around the hall. HOW NOT PRIVATE! When we finished, boy was it hard to aim into that little cup, we rang the bell. There was a knock at the door. The girl came in gloved. That was it, we did the dirty in a room and the world knows about it.

2 hours later I am spread eagle having 23 million spermies inserted into my hoohoo! Now the 2 week wait in JAMAICA starting Monday!

I still feel bad for Grumps and all the times he had to jerky lurky alone in a scary room.

We Got an All Clear!

Here is a quick update from my sick bed. Yep, that's right. I have strep for the second time in 2 weeks. On top of that the doctor wants to rule out Mono. NICE!

My left ovary really didn't develop. YEAH! My right ovary has some good follies. I had a couple of 16mm, a 15.7, a 14 and a couple of 12's. The RE was there this morning to take a look. He felt really good about what he saw. He also said that multiples could be in our future, twins to be exact. Of course I laughed and then laughed all the way home. We all know that I am not thinking ANYTHING. No hope here. It is being held by others.

My RE wants me to trigger tonight. We were going to do the IUI on Wed. but because of Grumps schedule it is moved up for TOMORROW! He goes in at 9:45. I follow at 11:45. Then we dtd Wed. and start the progesterone.

I am so glad Jamaica is next week. These past 2 have been a dilly.

Thanks for all the advice yesterday. You really helped me. Now if you could find a quick way for me to feel better I would love you even more.

First Ultra Sound Results

I went in this morning for my ultra sound to see how my follicles were doing. My ovaries really responded well to the drugs. In fact they over responded. I have 7 follicles forming. We really want to see only 2 to continue to develop.

My hormone levels are all good and stable so I am not doing any more injections. They want me to come in tomorrow morning for another u/s to see how things have developed. IF we do the IUI it is looking like the middle of the week. But I say IF because they don't want to do an IUI with so many follicles at my age. If I was 41 they would because many of the follicles wouldn't develop completely. If we were to change our minds and do IVF we have amazing follicles for it.
So here are my prayer requests... that my follicles would really just develop to a couple and not 7. My levels would continue to be stable and not get out of control. Finally Grumps is having to work 6am to 2pm during the middle of the week. They only do his part of the process in the morning. We could go to drive to the furthest RE office to have things done if that is the case and they can work with us OR they can freeze a sample.

I really don't want this cycle cancelled. I know that God has His perfect plans. I want them for sure.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? What did you do? UGH! Is all I can say. I so don't want this cycle to be cancelled. I keep thinking if I say that over and over again my body would hear it and do the right thing!

The Week

I have really wanted to blog for days. It is my little bit of therapy. I find that I usually feel WAY better after getting my thoughts out there to the world. There is something freeing about it.

This week has been very long and hard. Having family here really makes it tough to deal with grief and life. In a way it has been a great distraction. But it also has been very wearing.

I am very glad that Tuesday is over. I am also sad that it has come and gone. So sick how that works. I had a wonderful day getting a massage and having lunch and drinks with friends. I was surprised how during my massage I started to cry when she began to work on my arms. The thought that came to my mind was, "I should be holding a baby right now, NOT getting a massage." In fact during most of the massage I worked hard to clear my head. I found myself just thanking Jesus for my life. Then I would tear up again.

When I got home that evening I fell apart. I had flowers, cards, and emails from so many amazing friends. The love that surrounded me caused me to finally feel the sadness that I had been bottling up all day. I cried for hours. I cried so much that I just couldn't leave my room. Grumps was really wonderful. He gave me space when I needed it but also totally was there too.

Now that the 20th has come and gone I now get to obsess about this cycle. Tonight I gave myself my first injection. GO ME! I didn't even flinch! Grumps and I both prayed as I did it. Praying for it to work. Praying for amazing eggs. Praying for life to form soon. My hope is still being held tight by others but I am feeling it growing in me. My ultra sound is Sunday to see when I should trigger.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!

A Hard Evening

I had a great day.

Spa with D.

Lunch with D and K.

Drinks and more drinks.

Then I got home and felt more than loved.

I cried for hours.

I have so much to blog about. I will be back soon. I need a night to just be and then I will be back to share.

THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME AND LOVING ME AND BEING SO THERE FOR ME TODAY~

My Angel

Dear Mama and Daddy,

Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
I will remain within your heart,
I promise to live on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

I love you...
your forever angel.

This poem was sent by I. She found it and changed it a touch. SO perfect for how I feel today. Today would have been the day I would have held my little one in my arms for the first time. I will light a candle for 'her' tonight.

The Ball is Rolling

Today was day 3 of my cycle. As close as day 3 I could get. What does 'normal flow' mean for day 1 anyway? Grumps and I went in for my u/s and blood work to make sure I am not pregnant. HA! I still think that is funny. Ummm, flow is heavy, cramps are bad, Yep that means not pregnant!

I got my call letting me know that I could start taking my 50 whatever of Clomid tonight for the next 5 days. On day 9, that would be Friday, I give myself 150iu (I think that is right, the iu part) of Gonal F injection. I am a little nervous about mixing 2 powders into one shot. I hope I don't screw it up. THEN on Sunday I go for my next u/s to see when I need to trigger.

This morning we paid our lovely HUGE amount of money for our HOPEFULLY successful IUI. When I pulled the credit card out and the price was said verbally, I have seen it on paper many times, Grumps and I pretended that we never heard a thing.

My hope is very small again. I am not letting myself think about ANYTHING. No, this is going to work. OR this is so stupid and a waste of time. I am just letting it be. Going with the ride. Trying to get through this week. Counting down until Jamaica. Wanting a break!

Grumps sister and family are here. Please pray that I don't kill anyone or freak out now that I am on Clomid!

Attention All Bloggers

Attention!!!

Aunt Flow arrived this morning! We can now start our engines and get this going!

My injections arrived yesterday in a HUGE box! They are now partying in my fridge. NOW I can really 'plan' out this cycle!!!

A Quick Moment

I am going to blame this moment on strep throat, a headache, and upcoming family visiting.

After gathering laundry and listening to Grumps talk to his mom about me, I know that she is beginning to really worry about my upcoming week, I went to wash my face. Just a simple little task that I do every night. I go to dry my face and my face gets stuck in the towel. Stuck because I begin to cry. For a flash I think of what my belly would have looked like this week. I think of next week not as a sad week but a week that would have been. A week with a baby not company or dread. I gathered myself.

But the moment was there. Those moments scare me. You never know when they are going to come. You don't know how long they will stay.

In the Genes

Or is it just taught.

Today on my lovely drive to work I passed a bus stop with kids from my school. I pass them every morning. If I pass that spot and they aren't there then we know that either I am really late or I am REALLY late.

At the bus stop today there was the same cute little blond girl dancing around. She is always doing some sort of cheer or dance routine. Yes, I also get stuck at that very spot every morning. She wasn't just dancing today she was holding a baby. At first I thought it was a real baby until she threw it into the air. I wanted to scream, STOP until I saw it was way too small to be real. She was playing with this doll acting like she was rocking it to sleep for another super little girl. It was really precious. She had all the motions down perfectly. The rocking, swinging, singing. It hit my heart pretty hard. It also made me wonder if woman have this need to have babies in our genes, our makeup or is it just taught.

Growing up I always had dolls. I always played house. I always took care of every one. Of course I was the oldest so that didn't help. When my little sister was born I was 10. I became her second mom. I got up in the night to feed and put her back to bed. I changed diapers. I rocked her to sleep. I even spanked her when she got older. When she was sick she cried for me, not for my mom.

Being a mom was totally my number one desire for my life besides being a wife. I had huge plans as a little girl to be married by 18 and have all my kids by 19. Yes, I didn't have a grasp on time yet but you get the gist. I wanted it all.

So thinking back to that little girl and me as a kid, is this desire learned or born? I know the answer isn't that important but I just can't stop thinking about that little doll. If we didn't give little girls dolls would they still have that baby desire.

Man I hate how infertility can seep into all areas of your life including your commute to work.

Oh by the way, still now Aunt Flow. Of course I tested and of course it was a bfn. I also got my injectibles in the mail today. They are now loving my fridge.

HUGE Hope

There has been a lot of talk about hope around here lately.

After reading The Town Criers post on holding hope I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have talked about it with many friends. Today I was reminded of it again.

I have come to a place where my hope is only slightly there. You know the kind of hope that makes you keep temping or making a wish on a star or birthday candles. The hope you give to others that really is only a kind gesture at times. But not the HUGE hope that is needed to make your world fall apart if it doesn't happen.

I have been moving around in a very surface way. I know that my due date is approaching. I try not to think about it because I know what it will do to me. My IUI is coming up as well around the same time. We are putting out just a little bit of money for this one. Of course Grumps doesn't like that the money goes out even if we get something in return. I don't want to have HUGE hope. I just want to have little hope like a balloon flying in the air. I know that the balloon will not stay blown up forever. I even know that there is a chance it could fly away right from my fingers. That is the kind of hope I have right now.

I have decided to give my HUGE hope to my friends. D is holding it right now. I gave it to her for safe keeping. I am holding hers. Right now she is using my HUGE hope towards this current cycle I am in. My HUGE hope is believing that I am pregnant right now without even having to do my IUI. I can't think that. D is thinking it for me. I laugh every time she brings it up. See I gave her that HUGE hope for a reason. She holds it well.

Who is holding your HUGE hope for safe keeping? Or are you holding someone else's because it is easier than holding your own?

Grieving Early

Grumps is gone for the weekend. I have a cold. My plan has been to stay in all day and not face the world. Not a bad plan. We all know I LOVE my bed time with my TiVo.

Today I decided to not only just veg out but to begin grieving a bit. I know it sounds crazy and silly. How do you plan your grieving time? Well I haven't. I have had moments in the car on the way to work. We all know about the other night when I cried myself to sleep. Today really wasn't any different. I guess I didn't plan it. Well maybe I did.

My best friend I sent me a package this week. She had warned me of the package. I knew in my heart that one was coming. She told me it was for the 20th, my due date. She told me to open it whenever I wanted but to be warned. I planned in my head after that conversation to open it today. I am alone. I needed to be alone when I opened it. I didn't want Grumps eyes staring to see if I cried like he does when we watch a movie and it gets to a sad part. I wanted to cry and cry ugly if I needed to. You know the cry? Ugly faces, ugly sobs, gut wrenching cry.

This morning after taking Itsy out I took the package upstairs with me to bed. I gave myself time to ease into opening it. I knew that it would be special and precious and hard all in one. I ripped the box open. Yes, ripped it! Inside were the most amazing gifts full of heart and love and the things only a best friend could send.

A candle with the perfect message from "my angel". We will light it on the 20th. Then I will light it when I need too.

A little box with a poem about tears. Inside was a pin with little footprints from my angel.

Then the book. I scrapbooks amazing things. I know how much her heart went into it. It was a very small little book with memories written on the front. Inside has pictures from those 2 amazing months. A picture of my baby, the gift I gave Grumps with the first pregnancy test. All 3 tests I took to convince Grumps that it was real and my last belly shot. No words, just pictures. I told me later that she couldn't think of the words to add but then realized that the pictures speak for themselves.

I cried. I cried long and hard. I am still crying just typing this thinking about I's heart and my angel.

For the rest of the day I have just taken my time to do what I wanted to do. The weather is PERFECT outside. Seriously PERFECT! The windows are open. I am on my deck drinking wine, reading, and eating some yummy things (cookies that will add major pounds to my butt because I am a cookie monster.) I also have my favorite group blaring, The Wreckers. (Do you remember Felicity? Remember the episode when her roommate said that she knows what kind of mood she is according to which Sarah McLachlan cd was play? That is me with The Wreckers."

I am not depressed or blue. I am just grieving early. I need to give myself time to process not having my baby in my arms like I had dreamed. I need to come to grips that 'she' will never be here on earth with me. I just need this time for me.

Learning to Poke and Being Poked

I went to my injection class the other day. D came with me. I needed ears since Grumps had to work. When I go to the doctor I think I will listen and pay attention. It never happens that way. I go in and my mind goes blank. It is like I am in a fog. I can hear what is being said but it doesn't stick. I leave overwhelmed and slightly lost. SO I take a friend now when I can. I have learned my lesson.

First D and I had to make it clear that we weren't 'partners' just good friends. I think we go our point across. I tried to talk about Grumps a lot. HA! The nurse explained everything well. We all got calendars with our protocol mapped out. I am glad I can just look at it to remember. I am still a little nervous and confused. We also practiced mixing my meds and injecting the needle into a piece of pig fat. Just joking, it was silicon but very over used and yucky! Now we just need to wait for AF. Oh good news, my nurse, I LOVE HER, got me a deal on my meds. I just need to pay my copay. I am glad to get a break somewhere.

On the other poking front, my acupuncturist/chiropractor put little tack like things in my ears and legs to stimulate throughout my day. The ear ones KILLED the first night and also brought on a nice cold. I don't think it brought the cold but it sure didn't help my sleep. I am used to them now. I just keep wondering what my ears will look like once they are removed.

Google Calendar

Google Calendar is my brain. I have so many dates to keep up with that it drives me nuts. I need to type my appointments in and get my little morning notice. Something to stick in my head throughout my day.

Well the other day I went to add all my March dates and guess what? March 20th showed up with .... Birthday?!!!

Boy was I stupid to put that in my calendar! My heart dropped and I quickly erased it. I would have died to have that little morning notice on the 20th.

How could I forget that day?

Held

I need to be held tonight. I need to be held tight. I feel like I am unraveling. It just all hit me. Well maybe not. It has been slowly coming. The heaviness that sits on your chest. The feeling that you can't breathe.

I just need a moment for me. I need to go through my short little pile of memories from this summer. I need to look at the 'baby' picture and touch 'her' things. I need to just be.

I don't want to get here again. I don't want to sink low and not be able to get back out of the pits of despair. I have been so good. I have stayed high. PLEASE don't let me fall!

I hope this feeling lightens soon. I don't think I can hold on like this treading water and putting on my mask until April. I hope it is just a 'tonight' thing. The long days, the to do's and dates, the wine, the stress, the pms, Grumps.

I just need to be held tight tonight. Not by any flesh arms but supernatural arms. God's arms. I need to be held tight!

Hold me Jesus
by Rich Mullins

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Does Anyone Need...

Any diapers, Huggies or Pampers?

OR do you need some baby formula?

All of those things came in the mail to me this week. I guess they think a baby is coming to my house soon. They were misinformed!

The Results are in

And all of our tests came out fine. Yippee skippy! No I am glad that Grumps 'friends' work just fine. My insides look pretty from a distance and my blood is healthy.

The RE pulled out a piece of paper to do his 'thinking' on. He likes to brainstorm on paper and then give you his brainstorm thoughts. It makes me giggle inside. He made a nice little time line for this up coming cycle.

We are on for an IUI! It all begins next week with my injections class. Next I will call on day 1, in about 2 weeks. Then do the nice day 3 u/s. Start Clomid and fsh injections and have more u/s. Then onto the IUI. I am pretty sure it will be the last week of March. We will get to enjoy part of the 2ww in Jamaica. Grumps of course would like to wait a month so that I don't ruin my chances by drinking. WHATEVER! Even my nurse said that it would be totally fine.

It feels good to have a plan.

Pocked and Proded

I was poked to day for my first time. Not poked by fingers or by shots. I was poked by very tiny needles.

YEP I had my first accupuncture moment. Of course I cried talking about why I was there. I HATE THAT!~ I can talk about it on my own terms. But when you start asking me questions and I am not in charge I just can't hold myself together.

During the entire experience all I could think about was, I didn't shave my legs. I totally forgot or just didn't think about the need too. As he is putting the first need into my foot and then my leg I could have just kicked myself. Normal Sunny on a normal day would have said, "Excuse the hairy legs." But today I felt super vulnerable.

Needles went into my feet, legs, hands, arms, belly, ears, and head. I 'relaxed' in the very cold room for 15 minutes. Of course I hoped to get up and feel like a completely different person. Not exactly. The spots where the needles were tingled. It was getting late and I was ready for happy hour with D.

I go again next week. It really wasn't bad and didn't hurt at all. I am sure I looked like a pin cushion though.

Tomorrow is our RE appointment to talk test results and a plan of action.

Please STOP ME!!!

I have been doing so well with my eating and losing and looking good. The ice and snow hit and it all turned to crap. I tried to pull it together but stress is hitting in and a very small bit of worry is setting in.

I see chocolate and I have to have a bite. Cookies are getting devored. I HATE GIRL SCOUTS!!! The Samoas are going to kill me.

I CAN'T STOP!!!

My body was supposed to be just AMAZING for Jamaica in 4 weeks. Ummmm at the rate I am going I will double me by then.

I think I need to start therapy!

Keep Holding On

To all my friends who are walking this journey with me. No matter if our journey is the same our not know that we will make it through together!

I guess all of this testing has got me feeling cheesy.

Song Codes

"Keep Holding On"
by Avril Lavigne

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

My V is closed for Repairs

I has been seen and touched WAY too much lately. Stink, I told Grumps that we would get it on tonight. Maybe he will be too tired. HA!

First I had a moment with the lovely condom covered wand. All was fine and dandy and went very fast! I did feel like a science project or some test subject looking for gold.

Next was my lovely pap. I have been bad. I haven't had a pap in 3 years. With all the other testing, probbing, touching going on down there I didn't feel it was necessary to add that in. I know, I am a bad example. Really and truly the worse part for me is the boobie exam. I HATE that part! They haven't been touched by a stranger while I was awake (who knows what they do to you when you are under and on the table) in 3 years.

My doctor had a 'shadow intern' with him. Of course they asked if she could join in on the fun. "WHO CARES!" is what I said. Truly at that point, naked but under paper, sweating like a pig, legs spread wide open, let's let them all have a looksie and touchy moment with my V! It was a little awkard when the intern was between my legs, my doc was trying hard to get the lighting right for her while peering over her shoulder and the nurse was watching on the sidelines. I felt left out being the only one who didn't get to look and wear gloves. The only good part was that my doctor bragged and got all excited about my lap pictures to show to the intern. I will be famous someday, they are that pretty!

Finally the best moment all week, my HSG! I was calm and collected. I went alone BUT MANY people offered to take me. I felt like I could handle it since I did it once before alone being a newbie in it all. (This would be hsg #3 for me.) I took a nice 800mg pill of ibprophin from my m/c. It sure made me loopy, I had no idea. I was so out of it I told them the wrong date for my first day of my last period. They thought I was on day 13. OOPS!

I hopped up on the table with the big diaper. No stirrups here. I told them that they really were important. Instead the old lady doctor pulled me down on the table until I almost fell off. She was a little harsh with the nurse and intern. It must be my lucky week. AND ME! The tube was pushed in. Yep, I felt it. Then it was PUSHED in even more with major force since she was perplexed why it wouldn't go up easily. Beats me but I wished for a gentiler push. The balloon was blown up, I had to hold my breath. The dye was shot in at a very slow pace. I thought I was going to die or scream STOP at the top of my lungs. MAN IT HURT! It got to a point that I could care less if my tubes were clear or not. I just wanted the pain to go quickly.

The results all is fine with my tubes and all that jazz. I knew that it would be. We just needed to prove it to the good ole RE. I ended the afternoon with drinks and girl time with T. Then back to the house for a heating pad, more 800mg and an evening nap.

I really think I should take back my offer from Grumps. MAN but guess what, O time is coming!

Out of all your tests you have had, which one was your favorite? Come on, I want to hear your story!

Self Torture

Why do I do it?

Why do I read pregnant blogs daily? I mean I really should just read them weekly, but daily is true torture.

Why do I read and comment on the boards at all? I try to help because I have been on this road for so long but once again it is torture. The questions are so new and hopeful. I don't want to bust any bubbles but I do want to ground the newbies sometimes.

Why do I do I look at pregnant bellies, especially those who are near my due date? KILLS ME!!!

One thing I don't do is look through all the baby/parenting/pregnancy/congratulations magazines/flyers/postcards that I get in the mail daily. I look at them for a totally of 10 seconds and do a little snicker/laugh and TRASH them!

What things do you do that are pure torture? Things you know you shouldn't do but it is like a trainwreck, you just can't look away.

Trying to ...

get in the mood to blog.

I have 'written' a few posts in my head but can't remember them to get them out on my computer. Usually I can remember and spit them out. Not lately.

My mind has been clouded with dates.

FSH and u/s RESULTS NORMAL

Grumps s/a RESULTS PENDING

Annual (3 years late) PAP TODAY

DREADFUL HSG tomorrow

First Hannah's Hope Monday night

RE followup next Friday

As you can see I am full of dates. D who helps me 'celebrate' these things is out of town. So I have had to treat myself to wine, bad but yummy foods, and treats. I found out today I have lost 5 lbs since my last doctor's visit BUT I know that it would have been more if I hadn't taken my stresses out on food this past week.

I have a feeling that someone close to me will have a bfp soon. I have no idea who but I can feel it in bones. I know so silly but does anyone else get those feelings or am I an infertile freak?

Labeling

I switched to Beta Blogger the other day. It thought, "Hey let's do labels." Now I am not sure I like them. I still have a few more to label but am rethinking it.

What do you guys think? Keep them or get rid of them?

Aunt Flow says...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

She came just in time to celebrate us! I really don't mind that she is here. Now when spot showed up and stayed for awhile I knew she was on her way. There was a second where I thought just maybe pregnant I was pregnant. Ummm NOPE! I had a little moment and then moved on.

Now the testing begins. Tomorrow morning, EARLY is my Day 3 bloodwork. Next week I have my lovely PAP on Thursday. Friday I have my 3rd HSG. I am taking the day off for that one since it is scheduled for right in the middle of the day. Grumps has his jerky lerky on Tuesday. SO it will be a fun week for our household!

My present for V'day is a day off work! It iced last night! I am enjoying my day in bed with my new heart pjs!!!

The Day Is Coming

March 20th will be here so soon. Seeing K and her belly and hearing her say only 6 weeks to go, WOW I was trying to forget.

I started thinking about to the day I got my BFP. I thought I never would see that day. The emotions were crazy. I was on cloud nine with butterflies to beat all butterflies. I couldn't stop running and jumping through my house. I wanted to tell the world but also wanted to hold the news close to my heart.

Some days that day feels like a dream that I made up in my little infertile world.

Just like that amazing day I will never forget week 6 when my numbers weren't doubling. I thought we were losing our little angel to heaven. I cried like I have never cried before. Tears shook my body down to the very core of my being. I wanted to die. When I saw my little one's heart beating life filled me with hope again.

Then there was the day when there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't cry. The world stood still. I felt like I was drowning.

I wonder what March 20th will be. How will I remember that day? How will it mark my life?

Thoughts in My Head

I have been having all these thoughts in my head lately. Thoughts that have me so confused.

Right before 2007 began I prayed that God would either take away my desire for children and give me peace or give me a child. Since that prayer I have had amazing peace. I still have moments of sadness but not very often. I think about my situation daily but not every minute.

I love my life that Grumps and I have. We have been married for almost 9 years. We have been trying for our child for 4 years this month. My crazy thoughts have been should we continue to try so hard or just let it rest. Is this God letting me know that this is our life, the way it should be? I know I can hear all of you saying that we need to keep trying. You all know that we are to have a child. But I am just not sure any more.

I know that Grumps would be fine without having children. I also know that he would love it too. I know that if I told him my feelings he would tell me that I would kick myself in the long run if we didn't try harder.

Last weekend we were being silly and dancing in the kitchen. I asked Grumps if he would still love me if we never had children. Of course he said that he would. I just needed to ask him.

I wish I could see a little bit of our future to know just what to do.

Searching

I was playing around tonight searching for my blog on the internet. It wasn't too long ago that I didn't have many links. Okay I still really don't compared to the big bloggers. But I did find this beautiful post. I had no idea that someone blogged about me. It moved me to tears.

She was blogging about the 4 top blog moments of the week of November 3rd. I was one of them.

And ending with a beautiful post about loss...My Journey Towards My Little Miracle has two posts this week about the aftermath. I was holding my breath towards the end: "the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life. The look on my doctors face. Feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone." And smiled through the earlier memories of "the day I began to crave sweets again. When I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired." I'm so sorry, Sunny. These were gorgeous posts. I wish you were pulling out maternity clothes too.

WOW reliving those few moments took my breath away and brought the tears that have been gone for so long.

The Wait Continues

I haven't been up much for blogging. No real good reason. Just nothing has come to my mind that is worth blogging about.

I had my appointment on Monday. It all went well. The doctor was very nice and quick about everything. He made sketches and a nice timeline. He even gave us his email address for any further questions that we might have. We talked to our nurse who gave us way too many papers with dates and to dos. I am so glad I knew a lot going in or I would have been even more lost.

So the wait continues. They want to do most of the testing again since my miscarriage and time could have changed things. I am okay with it all. At least the testing will take place in a 2 week period instead of a year.

Day 1 of my cycle I call.

Day 3 I go in for blood work to check levels.

Between day 5 and 10 I will have another HSG. YEAH my favorite.

I will also have an ultrasound to check out things and follicles and all that jazz.

So I am waiting for AF to arrive. I would really love it if she never showed. I am not holding my breath. Especially after talking to the doctor about % of getting pregnant naturally or with an IUI.

While at the office I read that children are not allowed to attend. I LOVED THAT! I also loved that the magazines were not all parenting magazines. I felt taken care of. I pointed it out to Grumps. It made him do some thinking. He asked me if every time I see a baby, child or belly do I think about not having one of my own? I told him YES but that I have gotten better. I used to tear up. I used to get really sad. Now I just think about it for a second. He was so shocked and a little sad. He finally got it. He finally understood for a split second what it must be like to live in my head.

Now I need to call my OB/GYN to up my pap appointment. I would hate to have to wait even longer for our first IUI if my pap isn't up to date.