The NEWS

I have GOOD NEWS!!!!

We are having twins with perfect strong heartbeats!  God is beyond amazing today!  Grumps was and still is in complete awe.  

THANK YOU for the encouragement, thoughts and prayers.  Please don't stop!!!

On the Eve

No words but please God don't let it be like our last pregnancy ultra sound. I can't bare to have another moment of complete silence from the doctor looking for life. I can't have the swimming through water, not being able to breathe moment. I can't have the world standing still, Grumps trying to console and me falling apart. I NEED to see life!

I hate how my world is tainted. I hate how it has been touched with death and wait and uncertainty before. Why can't the world be roses?

I live for a pregnancy sign. I live for feeling sick. I smile when I feel puky. I cheer when I can't eat another bite. No complaining. I need those moments.

Tomorrow I HAVE to see life! God you have to hold me tight. It has to be okay.

My BIG Secret

I have been pretty quiet this cycle. I haven't talked about it much with anyone. We felt like this one could be the last one. Of course when Grumps said that the track began to play again, CHILDLESS! So I held everything pretty close.

The day of my transfer (November 3rd) I drove myself. I spent LOTS of time in prayer and singing praise. I needed to find peace with it all. Because my little ones were growing slow, only one was really good, we decided to transfer 4. My doctor only expected 2 at the most to make it.

Fast forward to today! Today I had my 2nd beta. Yep you heard it right! I AM PREGNANT!!! It truly is a miracle. My first beta numbers were 2,599. Today they doubled perfectly. I go on Monday for my 3rd beta.

Grumps and I are cautiously excited. Today's results made it easier to breathe. I am telling those who ask or who were a part of it all. My mom knows because I was with her over the weekend when I tested. Other than that, we are keeping quiet as best as we can. I want to shout but really want to hold it close.

Now you have something to pray about. LIFE!!!!

Medical Math

I only teach 2nd grade. I didn't go to school to read a syringe or figure out how much medicine I need now. Tonight I put in my dose into my pen. I know it won't be enough. I have my other box ready to go that my nurse gave me. Of course the pen runs out. I open the box and BAM no meds. The box is empty.

FREAK OUT MOMENT!!!

I have 4 vials of 150 ius each. I am breathing easier. THEN I get my syringe and try to figure out how much I need. Of course my pen didn't end on a number. Nope, it ends on a line. How much is it really? I have NO CLUE! I do a little guess and pull it into my syringe. Nope, I can't figure it out. I get a smaller syringe and still can't figure it out. I pull out all the papers and everything and am REALLY LOST. Now before me I have many needles and syringes and still no guess.

My next step is frantically calling a fellow IVFer. She doesn't answer. HELP ME! I finally take a deep breath and just guess. Here I am guessing on fertility drugs at the end of my days with truly no clue if I am even close.

I am still freaking out and it has been over 30 minutes later. I know I didn't screw things up but the stress of it all is just driving me nuts. I hope my nurse can give me a real box tomorrow. I hope my estrogen levels don't freak out. I hope it all ends on a good note.

Thanks for listening to my freak out moment. I just had to get it out of my head. I am DONE with injections!

Ask Me Answers: Part 1

Lets lighten the load. Clear the air. Have some fun! I am tired of being blue.

Back in August I asked for you to ask questions you want me to answer. The questions came in but then work started up. I decided to answer the questions in parts. This takes the pressure off of me.

So here is the first question: Where did you meet Grumps and what/where was your first date?

Grumps and I have known each other for 12 years. We have been married for 10. Back in 1996 I transferred to a small Christian school in northern Georgia as a junior. Grumps transferred already holding a degree but wanting a year of Bible and history.

At this small school they created groups to help everyone make friends. All of my roomies and sweetmates were in one group. I was alone in another group. I decided to just join them. We were all a bunch of transfers. At that first meeting Grumps set across from me. I thought, MAN he is cute BUT we aren't here to date but to go to school. After that night we all just started hanging out together. Grumps and I were the only ones who didn't work so we found ourselves always together. We couldn't get enough of each other.

I could go on and on about how so perfect it all fell into place. How God brought Grumps from one corner of North Amercia and me from the other side. How we just fit and I just knew. I don't want to bore you. You will just have to come visit me for a night of wine and talk!

Onto our first date! Remember we were ALWAYS together. For 3 weeks we hung out and just laughed and talked. Finally Grumps decided we needed to go out just the 2 of us. We drove to a dollar theater not too far away and saw Phenominom. On our way back to school I wanted to take him to a place I had been before when visiting the school. First let me say I had no idea this place was a make out place. I just thought it was cool. We drive down to hang out at the bridge/water. We decide to leave my lights on so we could see. SEE we weren't going to make out at all. We didn't even hold hands. Well this is where the problem comes into play. The lights weren't just on. They were on high. When we got back to the car it was dead.

We began to freak out. We were in the middle of no where. I had only one number. We had curfew. We were at a make out spot not making out. We called the one number, got someone who I have never met but she came and jumped us off. We get back to school and explain to the guards why we were late. Of course they didn't believe us. I get to my dorm and tell my dorm mom, she doesn't really believe me either. The best part is our next date we get lost going home also almost running out of gas. We were late again. We still hadn't held hands.

Stay tuned for the Part 2. You girls have come up with some crazy questions!

Repeated Track

Just like Mel I have been quiet lately. My heart is heavy. Feeling blue.

Over a year ago I had something on a repeated track. You know what I mean? When the song won't leave your head. It just repeats. Not even the whole song but just the one line. You try to remove it with another song but it finds its way back into your head, your dreams, your day. My repeated track was March 21, my little angel's due date. The date would scream to me every day. Every second. March 21, March 21, March 21.... The more I heard it, the sadder I got. My heart felt like a boulder. I couldn't breathe.

Once March 21 came and went the track stopped. Finally peace in my head. Yet the track has seemed to be replaced with something else, the world childless. I hear it a million times a day. It doesn't leave. There isn't peace from it. It makes me sad. I feel hopeless. I am just going through the motions until that word becomes the soundtrack of our lives instead of the repeated track.

Here is one ray of sunlight... I know longer feel sick with envy or bitter with the news from others. It is just a fact, while my childless track continues to repeat.

Comfort Food, Krispy Cream D's and HSGs

It all begins with Saturday having a me day. I am sick, a week and a half sick. Grumps had to work. I decided to just fill my day. I unpacked from the house stuff that went on. Cleaned from the grime and went to a movie by myself. Rarely am I home alone for a full day anymore. I find myself filling my world to the fullest. I guess I do this so I don't have to think about life as it is right now.

Saturday I started to get blah. I felt it hit in. It was like a warm blanket wrapping itself around me. That sounds inviting and all but you know when you got hot under your blanket and can't get out? That was me for sure. I was stuck. I wanted out. I began to struggle with it. Here is where the comfort food comes in. I just had to get out of the house. I wanted to see the new N. Sparks movie. Movies like that are perfect for going alone. I go to the movie too early. You can't sit at a movie that early by yourself. Off to the store I went. I hadn't planned to get food but when I passed the deli section and saw good friend chicken and mac cheese I couldn't say no. Guess where I ate it? HA! Right in my car at the movies. Teeheehee!!! I couldn't help laughing at myself.

Today I had to make the scary drive over the state line at EARLY morning time to have my 4th hsg. Yep 4! I was told by my doctor it shouldn't hurt since they are pros. I laughed. There was no way it wouldn't hurt, I was the pro at having them. The bright spot in the morning was the HOT sign lit up for donuts. The hsg... totally a piece of cake except for the assistant not knowing how to get the machine working while I was wide open with a view of my cervix for all to see waiting! The results... swollen left tube, scar tissue and block on the right. I am waiting to see if there is a new action plan from my doc.

If you made it to the end of my post then I give you a fire cracker. This was painful. HA! I just needed to let you know I was alive. Crazy but alive!

Thank You

I have nothing else to add. I just needed the hugs and words. I am lost right now. With work and life and what to do next, I needed you. THANK YOU!

Updated!!!

Ha! I don't remember posting this. I went out for our traditional beer and wings. I enjoyed MANY beers. When I came home I guess I posted. I have NO memory of this. Oh so funny! It is still true but I can't stop laughing!

It has been confirmed...

I got the call this afternoon after my beta. It is a true negative.

I am still numb but fine. You know, you stay grounded during it all ready for this moment of disappointment.

I have questions for my doctor.

Thanks for being there along the road. We aren't sure if we will transfer our little frozen embryo next or do one more fresh ivf. The plan right now is beer and wings tomorrow with friends.

Weak

I was weak this morning. I caved and tested. I had discovered one test left from a long time ago. As I peed on the stick I was hoping for good things but really expecting the worse. I have been super crampy.

Well... It was negative. I still have my beta on Tuesday but it is over. I hate that there isn't relief in knowing.

Out of Kids' Mouths

The cutest little girl ran up to me today and gave me a big hug. She pulled back and looked at me. Before she turned away she said...

"That dress sure makes you look pregnant!"

Their honesty is brutal!

My Big Ones

Oh it is so much fun being a teacher. Today a mom of a previous student stared me down on my way into the lunch room. I knew what she was thinking. "Is she pregnant?" We waved and I quickly moved on. This is the lady who gave me a fertility book saying it would bring me good luck.

During the class bathroom break she hunted me down. You won't believe what came out of her mouth. It really makes me laugh just thinking about it. She moved in really close and said, "MAN your BOOBS are HUGE! Is there something you want to tell me?" I am surrounded by little 7 year olds. I want to laugh my head off. Instead I say, "It's the hormones. We are still trying." My favorite response EVER comes next. "I have a flutter and goosebumps. It is going to happen. I feel it." She then kisses me on the cheek and whispers how she will pray.

I LOVE how all big things in life happen because of a flutter and goosebumps. I must have missed that a long time ago. HAHAHAHHA!

3 Little Ones

I left all of you hanging with my HUGE SWOLLEN ovaries and the info of my many eggs. I guess I should fill you in.

I transferred on Wednesday with my substitute husband, D! I got the call from my sweet doctor that morning letting me know 4 had made it. One embryo was really good. 2 were good. They all had slowed in growth. The rest were growing but turning abnormal. The decision was made to transfer 3.

We arrived in Scaryville with D and I making sure everyone knew we were best friends, not lovers for a second time. When they called my name we went into the other waiting room. The nurse said, YOU (that would be me) sit here. Sir (that would be D) sit here. She then looked up and realized D was not a sir but a mam. EVERYONE was laughing. She was so embarrassed. It was a priceless moment.

We are then moved into the transfer room. I had been nervous all night and morning. My fear was nothing would make it for transfer. Here is where the cool stuff began. The transferring doctor was my retrieval doctor. It is wonderful to see a familiar face in the Big office. They were very kind to explain everything. Making sure I could see my little ones get 'dropped' into my insides. At that moment my breath caught. It wasn't sperm like the before IUIs. It was LIFE!!!! I began to pray out loud while the other ladies in the room began to cheer the little ones on. It was so moving.

Everyone left (of course before they left I told jokes about my good luck not shaving look and the many shirts I will make if I get pregnant and have a little one. I also said my little one will fear Aunt D because she was there when the little life was created AND when the little life was placed inside mom.) and D began to pray for the little ones to live and thrive and be. As she is praying the amazing embryologist comes in with my CUTE picture. She is tearing up watching D pray with her hands on my belly. She then says how special this was for her. She not only helped transfer them but inseminated them. She said it never happens that way. Too many perfects.

Of course it all ended with D and I at Cheeburger Cheeburger for yummy food. I finally made it home to rest in bed with my heating pad. My ovaries were still grapefruit sized, pushing my uterus up. Now we wait.

I am trying very hard to stay grounded yet stay full of faith and hope. So many are praying for life. I can't thank everyone enough for the emails, txts, phone calls, cards, fruit, food, shots, rides, dog babysitting, millions of offers to help... Grumps finally returned home to view the photo of what he missed. I am now ready to be pampered. HE OWES ME!!!!

Cluck cluck cluck

That would be the sound that should be coming out of my mouth. Yep I am a hen. Now my friend says I am equal to a teenage egg donor. Here is the update.

They retrieved 31 eggs. There were more but my endo was blocking them. 28 were mature. 19 fertilized.

I have drank SO MUCH gatorade to stop any swelling. It has worked but man I don't want to drink anymore of it ever again. I also ate more steak than a person should eat.

As of today we will be transferring on Wednesday. We will transfer 2 embies at day 5. DAY 5! I am praying there is something there by then. I know there will be. Today I had 5 at 8 cells. Then we go down from there.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. I am happy I get to great my students at the door instead of a substitute. Now for Wednesday and Thursday I will be on bedrest relying on my girls since Grumps is out of town.

What I need from you? PRAYERS!!!! I really want this to work. I know we all want ivf to work for us but I am just not sure I can do this again.

By the way, I haven't forgotten about the all about me questions. Maybe I will begin working on it while on bedrest.

Blood Shooter

Nothing seems to ever be easy for me any more.

Yesterday was my trigger day. After having u/s and b/w every day for a week I finally got the call. Of course Grumps is out of town and couldn't help me. I had a list of people who offered to assist in giving me the shot but the one I had set up to shoot me up couldn't. You know how the call goes, you are going to trigger at 7pm. I get the call at 5pm. I really don't have time or the clarity of mind to call my backup. I decide to ask my friend from work who I do everything with. She starts freaking out.

As she is following me home from work (leaving work at 6:15, getting stuck in traffic) she is panicking even more about the shot idea. I am beginning to wonder if this will be a solo job. I had planned to do everything solo from the beginning, except Grump wasn't a fan. He had given me a shot once and caused the side of my leg and butt to go numb. He was afraid what I would to myself. Well we get home. I get the trigger ready. She is now deep breathing.

I lean up against the table, putting my weight on my left leg. My friend takes the HUGE needle in her hands and begins to REALLY freak out. I start laughing which isn't good when a 1 1/2 inch needle is about to go into your butt. SO I just did it myself. No pain, very easy EXCEPT... I pull the needle out and blood shoots EVERYWHERE. I have blood squirting out of me like a fountain. It is splattered all over the floor. I am laughing and trying to get something to stop it all. My poor friend, shocked. Did I hit a vein?

HA! I really wish I could have had a video. I have never scene anything like it before in my IF life. Now the plan, retrieval is early Friday morning. Transfer is of course still up in the air. Monday, would be day 3. The first day of school is on Tuesday. My doctor said I could go to work if I was feeling up to it. My boss said, NO. She wants me to stay on bedrest. What do I do?

Finally, my estrogen level is super high. I had to cut my trigger in half. I was told to drink lots of sport drinks and eat protein starting tomorrow. I am also to keep a check on my weight. OF COURSE I have this problem to worry about! Did this happen to anyone else? Any tips or thoughts?

Ask Me

Let's wrap this summer up right. I need to get my mind off EVERYTHING and just have some fun. SO you have a job. Ask my ANY question you like. I am an open book. I don't get embarrassed and for sure not shy.

Let's laugh and have some fun!

Home and Fluffy

We have been back from our vacation for a few days now. We had a wonderful time. Grumps worked hard to plan a wonderful trip full of good food and great places to rest our heads. We reconnected in just being together. Life couldn't get in the way.

Now being back home the ivf and back to school countdown has begun. It looks like both will be right there with each other. I am praying my body doesn't take too long to respond. I can't miss the first day of school. I really can't miss any days of the first week. It all has to just run VERY smoothly. I am laughing though deep inside. When do things run smoothly for me? Of course my retrieval would be on the open house day. Of course my transfer could be the first day of school. That is how my world works.

My other 'issue'... raise your hand if treatments have caused you to gain weight. A lot? I am out of control large. It makes me sad. My boobs are HUGE! My body just feeds on these drugs. I am at the point I could rest my chin on my girls. I can't do a thing about any of it until I am done with these stupid drugs. Please tell me I am not the only one? PLEASE!!!!

The word has been spread to the mouths of my school. I might look pregnant but I am for sure not. They have my permission to tell everyone.

So I am serious about my question. Did you gain weight? How much in total? Did your body love the drugs? I don't want to hear about how thin you were through it all. I don't want to hear about how you exercised and ate healthy. Now it is time to chime in!!!

OUT OF HERE

Grumps and I are heading out tomorrow morning for a much needed trip. He has been planning it for weeks. He told me quietly one night, "This trip is meant to help us forget about children." He truly is priceless.

We are driving up the east coast for the next week and 1/2. Our first stop is NY!!! Then off to Boston to get smart. Grumps is a history freak. Next will be Maine at a cozy inn (I think, he is keeping secrets). On our way home we will stop in Connecticut for dinner with friends. Finally we will end the drive at Atlantic City to meet up with friends for 2 days of fun. During all the driving I plan to read many books and take lots of naps.

When we come back, Lupron will start and we will get this show on the road.

I am bringing my laptop hoping for free internet at our hotels. If not, see you on the other side!

When Your Up, Your Up

But when you are down, you are really low...

Fine, I'm Okay... No really, I'm doing good...

I have am the master at being okay and fine. I put the smile on my face. I might even laugh or clap. Sometimes I make a joke or take a swig but I am the master. Lately I truly have been okay. Not great or fantastic but just okay. Numb to it all. Tired as usual. I never seem to be able to get a break. When I think I have it good, all is going well, I am kicked pretty low.

Today brought it all into perspective. Meaning, I just got kicked.

Some of our closest friends sent us a text last night. Baby boy was born. Last week from another set, baby girl was born. Through an email from my MIL, two of Grumps' cousins are having babies due in the fall. FALL IS REALLY SOON. I am happy for them but why are we just hearing about it now. In the mail, a birth announcement. THANK GOD for the friends who sent a card because of our sucky canceled transfer. It helped cancel the yuck out except they were the friends who just had the baby last week.

The hormones are trying really hard to leave my body but in the process they are leaving me feeling really crappy. I know, everyone is on hormones in the blog world but they really screw me up. I have gone up 2 sizes in the past 3 or so months. WHO DOES THAT? It is like my body feeds on estrogen. It can't get enough. If I had something to show for the gain I would be okay with it. Instead I just have me wearing a bigger size trying not to eat bad food when I am depressed.

My marriage is really struggling. Fights like we have never had. Looks, silence, nothing. I watched Grumps stand on the deck today just looking out thinking. I am sure he was thinking my sad thoughts. He even said he was trying to make our vacation as childless as possible. He doesn't want me to think about children. I hugged him in my little mind for that. Of course the armor came on and I said, "I am fine."

Yep I am on a sick roller coaster. UP then DOWN. It just repeats itself. My poor blog gets hit with it all. To be normal would be wonderful.

Yesterday I got calls saying I had maxed out on my insurance for covering F drugs. THANK YOU fairy god mother for helping me out. Grumps almost lost it. I just don't think we can take much more. It will only be a couple of weeks and thoughts of our little angel will really set in. We will have lost her 2 years ago. 2 YEARS AGO!!!!!!

I am sure if you ask me how I am doing tomorrow I will say, "Fine." "Great." or even "Okay." But today, tonight I am really low.

Cheers from my very yummy bottle of wine to all who know what low feels like.

Canceled

I got the call last night that 3 out of the 6 embryos didn't make the thaw. My heart was sad, but we began to pray for the other 3.

This morning I get the call from my doctor that the other 3 never divided. The transfer is canceled.

I am sad but was prepared. My doctor will be calling me this afternoon with our next plan of action. He said he doesn't believe it was because of quality that they didn't make it. He says he sees me pregnant. I respond well to drugs. We will just have to tweak some things.

The positive:

The bottle of wine I opened last night will be finished by me.
I can continue to enjoy my summer with the way I love it, drinking.
The shots STOP!
We will not have to do shots on our vacation.
I can relax and have fun without worrying about anything.

The negative:

Grumps heart is broken. He just doesn't understand.
My mom feels bad that a call was even made to me about going home.
I will be waiting as usual.
My next retrieval will be the first week of school.
I lost 6 little lives today.
We have to do it all again.

I believe we should just make my middle name WAIT! Seriously! Thanks for all the support through this. Get your cheers ready for the next cycle!

Foul Mood

Yep that is me. I have a stinky mood going on. If you know me in real life you know I don't usually go to this place. I am always up with only a couple of down moments. Well I went to bed in a funk and I woke up in one. I am hoping blogging gets rid of it. I hate being here.

I had planned to blog about tips for your husband giving you shots in the butt and how my common thread bracelet broke. I am sure I will get to it. Instead I am just going to vent and get it all out there.

I have always given myself my shots. I like being in control. I wasn't exactly happy knowing Grumps had to be the one shooting me up. He doesn't do stuff like that very well. BUT I went in with confidence in him. I get the it all ready for him. Talk him through it. Remind him...

Well we have had some good shots but we have had some bad ones. Last night was the worse. It felt like he was moving the shot around. When I said something he got upset with me. Then I BLED! It turned into a quiet shouting match. His feelings were hurt. My butt killed. He said I make it hard. I shouldn't say that it hurts. I should just let him do it. He has no idea how it feels.

I suggested giving him a shot in the butt of just saline for him to see how it feels. He flipped. Why do I need to hurt him? I just wanted him to understand how it felt. He would have no part in it. The night ended with me going to the basement to play on the computer leaving him for bed. He did come downstairs to let me know he was just reading. I shrugged him off. This morning was just as cold.

I know this is a stupid vent. I shouldn't let this bother me. We will be transferring probably on Wednesday. I should be getting in a 'zen' state. Instead I am just yuck about it all. It is so small but it really is so big. It defines our marriage. How we deal! I wanted him to hold me and tell me he was sorry for hurting me. But I know he wanted me to say how sorry I was for making him feel bad. I just couldn't. I really can't.

I know he feels like a bystander just watching. He wants this over just as much as I do. I really just need a cheerleader. I am sure after having some girl time (sangria, pool, and wine) today I will be over this. I am going to put this mood under the hormone category. I am pulling the card and using the excuse. The del estrogen KILLS my back and making my boobs SUPER bigger than they already are! The progesterone oil only made my back hurt more.

I am done with complaining. Maybe after tonights shot I will have some helps for your spouse giving you shots so you won't have to have a moment like ours.

*I could use a little head patting, cheer talking, hugs ANYTHING to make me feel better. HELP ME get over this. Please tell me your husbands sucked at shots. I DON'T want to know how amazing they were. I don't want to be jealous of your marriage. I want to love mine more by the end of the day. I am SO not needy right now. HA!

Facebook and Infertility

Its summer and I just sit around and play. Part of the playing is goofing off online. I have 'hunted' down long lost friends on Facebook. It has been fun to see how everyone has changed and grown up.

BUT... it is also hard. Almost everyone I have found has 3 to 4 kids. Many of them married after I did. Most of the women are stay at home mom's, my dream! I am happy for them all. I comment on their sweet families. THEN I have to write about mine.

Here's my spill...

I've been married now for 10 years. I live outside DC. I teach 2nd grade. I have a really cute dog. We live a simple but very busy life.

What's missing there? Yep the kids. I wonder what they think when I don't list my kids' names and ages like they did. If they look hard they can see I am part of an infertility group. If they ask I will let them know. In fact I talked about our infertility to one of my 'friends' after she told me some tough stuff from her life. When she replied to my message she skipped the IF part. I had been thinking what would her response be. I guess nothing would be the answer. I also shared with another 'friend' about our miscarriage and struggle to have a family. She had shared right before my reply with her own miscarriage along with the names of her other children. Silence again.

I really don't expect a reply or even questions about my missing family. But it does cut like a knife a little bit to hear and see their families.

Has anyone else experienced this? I know I am not the only one.

New White Panties

I was hoping to bring this cycle on this morning by wearing a brand new pair of white panties. Guess what?

AF IS HERE!!!!

I really wasn't thinking about those white panties bringing on my cycle; but, I had to laugh when I did go to the bathroom, looked down and BAM ruined new panties.

Tomorrow will be my baseline ultra sound and first dose of del estrogen. We will be praying for my lining to get nice and thick ready for my babypops.

We have waited such a long time to finally get this show on the road. I am nervous. I want it over. I want an end. Yet I never thought deciding to freeze so quickly to rush and take care of my mom, would create lots of thinking and praying. Thawing babypops, the number and all that jazz sure makes my heart heavy.

Anyway HERE WE GO!!!! Fingers crossed!

Shout to the Lord

As a family we have been standing strong believing God will give us a miracle for my mom. No doubt, just trust.

Last week my mom had her scans after 4 rounds of chemo.

The results....

Her bloodwork was amazing, as if she was completely healthy.

The best news...

ALL of her tumors have shrunk by half! BY HALF!

When my mom called to tell me I teared up and became speechless. The doctors were shocked and couldn't explain it. Yes, the chemo did a work in her body but not that much work. God did the big work.

The next plan of action...

She will start a new round of chemo, less harsh on her body, every 3 weeks. AND we will keep holding strong to God and His promises.

Of course my mom is over the moon and can't stop shouting to the Lord. Picture this... my mom walking a far walk to the park near by at 6 in the morning to swing. Remember, when I first got to my mom 3 months ago, she could barely walk.

Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers. DON'T STOP! It's not over yet!

Ramblings

Nothing profound tonight. Just where I am, my thoughts rolling through my head.

Only because of God can I find peace in the midst of so much.

*The end of a year. Telling little ones goodbye after giving them all I know. It is always hard even when I begged for the year to be over when it had just begun.

*Celebrating new life in the midst of life hanging on by God's sovereignty. Holding a new born is such amazing joy. So is watching life come to a place of real life, what is important.

*Still in the midst of infertility after so long and having peace. I would rather be holding new life in my arms tonight. I would rather hear a little one call out my name in the late hours. I would give so much to see what my love and I create. BUT when life is barely holding on you realize what you have is great and full. Having a child isn't everything. It would be amazing but it doesn't complete or fill the void.

*Wanting to help others but not knowing how. I say the wrong words. I am sure I do the wrong things. Sometimes I would love to just shake them hoping to knock sense into them. BUT realizing you have been there at one time. Lost, helpless, desperate. I am not sure I can give anymore.

*Loving your husband so much but pushing him away all at the same time. How can he make it all right?

*Smiling when you want to cry.

*Pretending the world is as perfect as it will ever get.

Please no comments about how sorry you are, thinking of you, OR you amaze me. I would love to hear your ramblings though. Is your head full of them like mine?

I NEVER do this. I blog and don't even look at the numbers or dates. No blog birthdays or anything but when I logged on I saw my last post was 399. How fitting for my rambles to get a big number like 400.

No She Didn't

Last night I went out with the girls to see the opening of Sex and the City. I LOVE the show! We had cosmos and laughs before it all began. I even brought cosmos into the movies via my purse to really get in the mood.

The movie was going great. Tears, laughs, applause! All you could expect and hope for. Then it happened.

We all know Charlotte is part of our infertility community. She longed for a family. Well she finally adopted a beautiful little girl and is very content. As the movie begins to wrap up guess what she announces? YEP, she's pregnant! I was happy for her but then I felt it coming. The words an IF NEVER wants to hear EVER spoken aloud!

"I'm pregnant. I guess if you relax and adopt like they say, you will finally get pregnant on your own!" I am not sure if these are the exact words but they are what I remember.

Guess what I did? You won't believe it! I first gasped! You could feel the row of my girls do the same thing. Then I stood up, gave an ugly hand gesture and called her a 'not so nice' word very loudly. I am blaming it all on the cosmos! Then I sat myself back down and cried. I just couldn't believe they had to add that line into the movie.

I am glad the end of the movie made up for the big NO SHE DIDN'T! The movie is worth it if you are a fan BUT be warned the sentence is spoken and it will cause you to do not very nice things!

Lets Count the Wait

It is hard to believe how much waiting I have done. It is something that has been on my mind lately. Why the wait? What have I learned through it all?

Grumps and I have been trying to have a family for over 5 years. Yep five years and we haven't seemed to have done much compared to the rest of the world. Usually people after this length of time either have their family or have just moved on. Here we sit stuck in the middle.

Lets list the wait!

*It all began with Grumps 5 year plan. As a kid I wanted to start having babies as soon as I got married. Well my thoughts on that changed with maturity. I knew we needed to develop our relationship and figure US out. As each year went by I began to ask Grumps if we could shorten our plan. I even began to pray for my little babies which I didn't have yet. Right before our 5 year mark we began to do it like rabbits. I just knew we would have a baby in our hands in no time. Ahummm lets move on!

*After our first year of trying we began the lovely testing process. There goes more wait. Wait for the test. Wait for the results. Wait for Grumps to come back from training. Wait for recovery. WAIT!!!!

*Then the lovely endo was discovered. Another HUGE moment of wait while I was on Lupron. The year on awful drugs seemed like eternity. I tried to make the best of it by enjoying friends and beverages. It helped some.

*Of course we were blessed with a moment of a baby as our wait ended. But then we lost our little one to heaven and had to wait as we recovered.

*I really thought all the wait was over when we began our trip to the RE and treatments. Well we went on another wait. The insurance wait of 6 months.

*Finally we have IVF insight. We are right in the middle of it all. Our dreams are about to come true (okay hope for the dream to come true) when we get the call about my mom. WAIT AGAIN!

It seems we have spent more time waiting than anything else. What has it taught me? Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.......... LONG PAUSE! I guess it has taught me how not to stress. How to trust. How to just enjoy the moment no matter what it brings. I can't let disappointment and major changes determine the quality of my life. I have to really make the best of a yuck situation. All things happen for a reason. Lets chew on that for a moment.

I have a list of things that wouldn't have happened in my life from friendships to time with my mom. During the wait you have to look at it as a time to find you in a new way. Find how you can touch others. How can you make the best of a not so great situation.

Embrace the wait and live!

A Quick Thought

While I am at it I might as well add a quick IF thought.

Being back in a small town I forgot how there really isn't ANYTHING to do but get married, have babies and eat.

Everywhere I turn people WAY younger than me are telling me about their families and asking me about mine. All are shocked when I say I don't have children but am waiting on my miracle. Of course some even say I can have theirs. I laugh and decline.

Well today I was given advice by a very young couple who only slightly dealt with IF. They haven't been trying long but did go through an early miscarriage. BUT they are now pregnant again. Here's the advice... I was eating brownie batter and she said, "You know, you shouldn't be eating that if you are pregnant." HA! Is what I said. She said, "But what if you are pregnant. You just never know." Oh so true but it truly would be a miracle if I was pregnant. I haven't been with my husband in biblical terms in a month. PLUS I am so not young in this trying business. I quit believing those small things would cause a problem. If I truly did I would have a very sad life since I have been on this ride for the past 5 years.

I am not sure if this made sense at all. But seriously, if I hear or see another young pregnant woman OR an 'old friend' who I could careless seeing tell me about their family and why I don't have my own I might hurt someone.

Anyone else used to live in a small town and then went back to visit after turning into an IF? Isn't it hardly bearable?

I Want to ...

BLOG!

I so want to blog. I have had posts swimming around for days. Today in the shower (my thinking place) I planned a couple. But here is my problem. My only time I am truly alone to blog (I can't blog with others around) is LATE at night. By then I have no desire or truly the clear thoughts to blog.

SO unless I get to be alone soon you will have to wait on my thoughts for a couple of weeks. Here's a sneak preview.

Hometown Life
Memory Lane with the Boyfriends
Your Place in the Family
Always Waiting
and more.

I will leave you with what I have truly enjoyed lately.

Fried catfish, hush puppies and cheese grits
buttermilk pie
pecans
pralines
old quilts
old baby clothes
facebook HA!!!

My Mother's Day Prayer

Every night, as a family, we have devotions. We share what God has shown us that day. We pray, do communion, and give our highlight. Tonight I prayed. I prayed for whomever God brought to my mind. Some are regular requests. Others just come out of the blue. Tonight my heart had a new prayer.

I cried as I prayed for all my 'friends' who are longing for children. I prayed for those who have lost little ones to heaven. I prayed for your void to be filled. Your womb to be healed. Your arms to fill God's love, replacing what you wished was there instead. I prayed for peace on a very hard day. I prayed for courage to find something amazing about the day. Joy where sorrow usually lives. I also prayed for the husbands to remember their wives. To have sensitivity. To remember how their wives are still mothers to little angels.

I wept as I prayed. My heart so heavy for so many. When I finished my family sat in silence. I am not sure if it was because they were at a loss or they were letting God fill the void. I felt His peace over me. For me, mother's day has been very hard. But this year I don't look at my sorrow and long. I look at having another day with my mom. I am taking my eyes off me and placing them on her.

I hope you find comfort this weekend. Know I am praying for all of you!

Here

Man I have missed blogging. I have so many posts in my head: the family fit, the waiting game, and priorities... But when I come think about blogging I have no desire. It requires time. It requires thinking. It requires putting thoughts in order. My thoughts aren't really in order.

Right now I am sitting with my family. I love my family but there are times I could just walk away from it all. People don't like to make decisions but when suggestions are given no one likes those either. I also love them very much. I just don't think I am needed while mom is getting her chemo here. Too many hens in the house.

Speaking of being needed, I am torn about when it is time to go home. I am playing around with some ideas in my head. Just praying for God to give me wisdom. Man it is hard.

My mom is now bald but she sure is beautiful!

Finally, I think my sil is pregnant. I am happy for her but I also want to scream!

I hope to get my jive back soon.

Quick Update

I only have a second before this laptop dies to check in with you. Where I am right now doesn't have internet. MAN am I lost from the world. I will be back on Wednesday.

Chemo went well. My mom hasn't had a single reaction to it. She is eating, drinking, sleeping and looking healthy. It has been a God thing for sure.

As for me, I am missing home but enjoying the time I have with my mom.

I will blog more once I get back to the semi real world.

THANK YOU for all the uplifting emails and comments. You don't have a clue how much it means to me.

Nothing New, Just Blue

We headed back to my brother's house yesterday. My mom has different appointments this week and her first chemo treatment. Everyone came with us. MAN I need my own little space. I love being alone and I just don't get any time being with the family. I took a LONG shower today just to be for a bit.

We did have a wonderful time at the lake this past week. Grumps came with our dog. I can't tell you how much I have missed just seeing his face. I hated sending him back home yesterday morning. The time spent as a family was very healing and encouraging. We are all still standing in agreement for my mom's healing.

Here is a snapshot of all I get to hang out with during my day. FUN TIMES!

My Mom:

Right now she is lying on my SIL's closet floor on oxygen listening to healing scriptures. She isn't sleeping much. She is constantly rubbing this and that hoping for relief. The cough comes and goes. I massage her back as often as I can. Nothing seems to taste good. I have to make her eat.

My Dad:

CONSTANTLY on the phone or computer. He repeats the same stories to everyone. He tells my mom what she can do which drives her nuts. He just mopes around. He needs to go back to work before he drives us all nutty.

My Sister:

Never stops defending herself. She sits and watches everyone else work. She leaves a mess wherever she goes. She is as useless as tits on a boar. She needs to go back to work too.

ME:

Going crazy! I have slept on every possible couch and bed since I have been gone. I have reworn my same outfits over and over again. I constantly look tired. I am tired. I miss my normal life. BUT I am getting out today! My good friend lives here and is taking me to lunch. I can't wait to have a glass of wine.

See I told you, nothing new, just blue. Oh and my mom doesn't really want us to watch tv. I get it but MAN do I miss some of my shows.

6 Babypops

I wanted to give everyone an update on me. I feel so faraway from the online world. Time has really been spent just spending time with family. My mom is looking really good. She is getting better everyday. We went in for the consult yesterday. The cancer is stage 4. It is in place throughout her body but mainly her breasts. BUT she has decided to do chemo. We will start it the week of the 7th. They said it wouldn't be her cure but it would help the quality of her life. We are still believing for perfect healing. Thank you all for praying and encouraging me.

Last night, mom and I stayed up late talking and sharing. It helps me understand more and more on her choices. She does realize she was dumb and let it go too far. My heart still hurts. I still wish life was different but we can't live there.

NOW onto more upbeat news!!! My retrieval went wonderful. They got 10 eggs. 8 were mature. They were able to fertilized 6. I now have 6 babypops waiting for me when I get home and settled. I think about them everyday. How crazy am I?

Keep us in your prayers. I will try to check in when I can. You are all the best!

Twiddling My Thumbs

I should be at work today. Everyone else woke up griping about spring break being over. Everyone dreaded seeing the kids. Here I sit, in bed, planning my day, trying not to over think.

I called last week and got my leave of absence taken care of. Making that call was so sad. Having to verbalize what was going on to a stranger wasn't fun. I also went to work to get things in order on Friday. I had all these intentions. I barely could breathe. Poor Grumps watched me run around with my head cut off. I left it all for my team to take care of. I feel awful.

My mom is having more tests run today at the cancer hospital. We will get more answers on Friday. I got more information about her physical state and the cancer yesterday. It continues to break my heart. There hasn't been a day I haven't cried.

I am holding onto faith. God is in the middle of it all.

________________________________________

Last night I triggered, or should I say Grumps did. He did a great job considering he was scared to death. I caught the spear action he took on me from the corner of my eye. I freaked just a bit. I am sore today. We go in for retrieval tomorrow morning. I fly out to my family Wednesday afternoon.

I cannot thank you enough for your strength through your comments and emails. I feel surrounded by all of you.

In My Arms

Is where I wish you were today. Hearing you giggle. Watching you try to walk. Being close by.

My little angel I miss you today more than ever before.

Your grandmother is coming home to you soon. She is the best at rocking you to sleep. You won't miss her. Her smile is so big and her words are so gentle. Enjoy her for me.



The song is my heart's cry. I found the video on youtube.

________________________________________________________

They are giving my mom 2 to 4 weeks to live. They are heading to the cancer hospital today. They will see the doctors tomorrow and have more tests run. The information could change but the cancer is really bad. I go to the doctor this morning for monitoring. We need to talk about this cycle. There is a possibility we will either retrieve and freeze or cancel. If we cancel I will leave tomorrow to be with my family. If nothing else I will be there next week until the end. I am taking leave from work. I don't want to watch my mom die but I can't stay home. We are still praying for a miracle.

All that my mind can think of is, how do I live in a world without my mom. She is so amazing. In fact there is a package at the post office from her for us for Easter. Her love never stops.

Thank you so much for the many comments and emails. I feel surrounded by love.

Give Your Mama a Kiss

Today my mind is heavy and so is my heart. Thoughts, scenes and memories are flooding me.

I got the call yesterday morning. My dad was taking my mom to the ER. She had shortness of breath. I began to pray and wait. After church I was headed to meet up with the DC bloggers when I got the second call. My dad was calling me back.

"Sunny, the doctor just left the room. We just got the news." My dad was struggling to stay composed. I could tell he was about to lose it.

"Your mom has cancer. It is in both breasts and in her chest cavity. She has had it for 5 years. I felt her breast this morning and it is hard as a rock. She doesn't want chemo or radiation. The hospital cannot help her. They are sending her home with things to help her breathe. She is strong. We are believing God will heal her." He then chokes up and blames himself. "I should have known. I would ask her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating, why did she have the cough. She would give excuses." My dad's heart was broken. The reason he lives is for my mom and now she is sick. Very sick.

All I can do is stay strong for him. Listen. Let him ramble. I ask a couple of questions, but I am in shock myself. I asked if he wanted me to call my brother. He was thankful I offered. He said he couldn't make it through another phone call. I hung up with my dad feeling so very far away.

I called Grumps, still composed. He sent me home. No lunch with the girls. I began to call my friends who knew I was waiting for the phone call. Without asking they said they were on their way to my house. I then began to cry. I cried all the way home. I cried alone on my couch waiting. I finally composed myself and called my brother. As soon as I heard his voice and began to tell him the news I broke. He broke. In fact he pretty much hung up on me. He was so at a loss.

My girls and Grumps arrived at the house. My favorite junk food was brought to feed the troops, stuff for rice krispy treats, ice cream, and choco chip cookie dough. They let me cry. They held me. They made me laugh. They helped me forget for a moment how my world was unraveling. I am so thankful for my friends. They knew what to do.

Grumps was amazing. He busied himself with taking care of the girls. He was the one who made the cookies. My husband doesn't cook. BUT he read the instructions, made the biggest cookies ever and even put them on the cooling rack. He is my hero.

The rest of the day was a blur of tears and phone calls. My mom called to check on me. Oh so her to make sure we were all right. You could hear the smile in her voice. I told her I was sad and angry. She told me later that night she was only trying to protect us. She didn't want to rock our world. She was waiting for God to take it away. It just hasn't happened yet.

I want to be there right now with my mom. I want to make food for her. I want to clean her house. I want to watch movies, tell stories and just be in her presence. Yet I am here in the middle of my first IVF cycle. I have debated ending it and flying there. I don't think she would want that. She is surrounded by those who love her. I will go soon. I am not sure when. I need more information. There is talk of taking her to a top hospital near my brother. If that is the case it would be so easy to fly there. But my head is spinning.

Every thing that comes out of my mouth makes me think of my mom. Every thing I do is something she taught me. Pictures in my house bring back memories. I want to make more of those moments with my mom. I want my children to know her. I am not giving up hope. I just wish my mind would turn off and be at peace.

I will stand firm this Easter on what Jesus did for us. His stripes are for my mom's healing.

Call your mom's today. If she lives close, give her a kiss and hug. If she is far make a visit. Enjoy every moment you can with her.

Good Things

Its been awhile. I am alive! I know you were all worried. HA!

*I opened a REALLY good bottle of wine tonight.

*Toasting AF for showing.

*Lupron for work.

*S's retrieval and growing babies!

*Stims begin tonight!!!

*I am not sick anymore. (Puked behind my trailer yesterday at school. Of course the rumor mill is thinking I am pregnant including parents.)

*4 more sleeps and Spring Break is here!!!

*My heart friend got married this past weekend! I have been holding her hope for years! Her hope came true. Now she continues to hold mine.

*I have a good man. Even though he is TERRIFIED of giving me shots, he asked today if I needed his help. So sweet but I have it under control for now.

*Good friends who check on me and cheer me on!

*Finally, I believe my retrieval and transfer will be next week. NO MORE inlaws knowing! We can still keep it a secret!

So there is my little quick list.

On my bad side:

*I have UGLY cramps that stupid tylenol won't even touch!

*For some stupid reason my zits have moved from my face down to between my boobs. What the ...!

*Sleep still isn't my friend. I MISS good sleep!

One is the Loniest Number

You have an appointment with your RE for one of your million procedures. Your amazing husband has a job which makes it hard to take time off. You on the other hand have to take the entire day because all 'procedure' appointments are right dab in the middle of the day.

As you walk in you try to be confident with each step. You try not to look at the sea of people. If you do, you will notice you are alone and they are a couple. In my head I wonder what they are thinking about me, coming alone to a big scary office?

My confidence carries me through it all. One is a very lonely number but you have to do what you have to do. There are times my great friends go with me. D really can't anymore. Her belly is too big to hide as not pregnant. So I now go alone.

Today was my mock embryo transfer. I don't think I will ever enjoy someone looking at my girl and putting things in it. A quick wanding is one thing. A stare, push, probe, this and that is NEVER fun! One good thing, all is good and clear. Lupron begins next week. My meds arrive on Saturday. Soon it will be time to get organized!

Do you go to your appointments alone, with a friend or with your 'lover'?

The Schedule

We got our tentative schedule in the mail today. The drugs are listed. The dates are there. My eyes went right to big dates.

Remember us wanting to keep this a secret from our family? The 'date' for our retrieval and all that jazz is during Grumps' parents visit. I feel sick about it all. There is no way to hide the doctors appointment, shots in the butt or me on bed rest.

When I shared the 'dates' with Grumps he wasn't impressed. I wanted to hear, "No worries dear. It will all work out. They will be glad to help out during that time." Instead I got, "Great I guess we will be telling them. Great I guess you will have to stay home when we go out. Great they wanted to do stuff with you too. Great...." UGH!

Now I am all anxious and yuck inside. Why can't things work out the way they are supposed to?
Oh and I will get to bring my lupron injections with us to Iris' wedding. How do you take needles on a plane in your carry on?

His Words

I'm a sucker for cards. I keep everyone depending on who gave them to me.

Grumps' cards, I have them all!

I love the card but the words that are written move my heart and will never be forgotten.

No matter what happens, I'll always love you. Thanks for being so good to me!

Love,
Grumps

I have never needed those words more than now. I hope they are true.

I told you, I am pretty breakable.

Not How We Thought It Would Be

I have been toying with a title for this post for days. Here are a few of them.

5 year anniversary - yep we have been doing this dance for 5 years. I could have had a 4 year old if it had worked the way it is 'supposed to'.

5 out of 7 - how many days I was at the RE last week.

Busted - my IUI cycle.

Laying EGGS - I had more eggs than my body knew what to do with them.

A year of my fertile life - about how many eggs I lost this month.

The Big Scary Step - what is now upon us.

And finally what I ended up with!

Lets just skip to the chase. There will be no IUI this week. I over produced. I had over 20 follicles form. 12 turned into something. 7 to 9 moved into good sized follicles for producing something. The idea of IVF got thrown out there by the BIG office but quickly got taken back by the real thinkers who know my cycle. There was talk of if I would consider selective reduction if needed in order to go through with this IUI. I couldn't make that call. So I got the call Monday afternoon to end this little game we were playing and go onto the pill. I haven't been on the pill in over 8 years. I was also told to use another form of protection of we had relations. We haven't used protection in 5 years.

With all this disappointment and throwing around ideas Grumps and I were left frustrated. We are tired of playing games and changing schedules to fit my bodies schedule. We are tired of the maybes and oops each month. We have decided to move towards IVF.

We sat together in silence letting the idea sink in. We were sad. Sad because we never thought we would have to be here. In fact at the beginning of all of this we both pretty much said we would never go down this road. Grumps was for sure not bending on the idea. Now it was decided on without much discussion.

I talked with my amazing RE! (He called the day of the cancellation making sure I was okay and being there to answer questions. He also answered my email right away. What doctor has email?) I didn't want to be on the pill for 2 months before we could start everything. So this is my pill and lupron month. I will start my lupron shots the first week of March.

I know YEAH for moving ahead. YEAH this will work. YEAH I am so excited. I have heard it all. But we all know it might not. I am guarding myself. I am guarding Grumps too. We aren't telling family right now. I don't want them to be disappointed. You can cheer us on but be careful, we are pretty breakable.

Stupid People

We all here stupid advice ALL the time. Remember my boss and her advice to surround myself with the pregos and let their hormones consume me? Well she came back with more advice!

I explained about my upcoming IUI, blah blah blah, to her during my midyear evaluation. You won't believe her advice! A little back ground knowledge, her step daughter has gone through IVF a few times. Now she thinks she understands my pain.

Here we go with the advice!

*Sunny, just think of IUIs like girls who get pregnant on their first try. The only girls who get pregnant on their first try are young teenagers in the back of cars. No one gets pregnant with IUIs. It is just a stepping stone for you. IVF will do the trick. Pay your dues and time and then move onto the real money maker.

What the heck? That is advice and encouragement? I think it is more like the mark of a STUPID PERSON!

Onto the best advice EVER in my life!

I went in for a massage a few weeks ago. I was STRESSED out about everything. I needed relief. When the lady asked why I was there I explained about my stress. She begins to give me advice.

*My niece (I am think her niece had trouble with IF and I am going to hear how she did this and that and now she has a kid.) is pregnant. She lives in Hawaii (pronounced more like Hawaikkeekee). You should go visit Hawaii. When you are there you will see many pregnant bellies near the ocean taking in the beauty of the earth. You will also see dolphins swimming through the ocean showing off their little ones that were just born. The vibes and wholeness of it all will transcend into you and create life. Just go to Hawaii and surround yourself.

I thought I was going to either throw up right there at her feet or laugh my head off. Instead I nodded my head and went inside to my happy peaceful place!

Any good STUPID PEOPLE advice lately?

Just Shoot Me!

Man I hate how long I have left you all hanging. Like you wait for every update! I have been so busy with work, shots in the belly, monitoring, and SICK that blogging has been on the back burner. Actually, I have wanted to blog so bad but by the time I get into bed with my laptop (Oh so romantic) all I want to do is check my email and watch tv.

Today was one of my worst days teaching in a good chunk of time. I have sent 2 kids to the office in the past 2 days. That is more than my entire 9 years of teaching. I am at a loss for the behavior in my classroom. Of course the mom of one of the kids thinks I suck so she wants a conference with the assistant principal, counselor and me. Thank God I have kept at least the counselor involved in all of this. I wish I could go into more detail but it all just SUCKS being me right now.

Of course my IUI is next week along with the 100th day of school, staff meeting, 2 conferences, GT crap (wanting to use a much harsher word), and stupid Valentines day. I am sure there is something else mixed in with all of that. Oh maybe it is Grumps working Vday evening due to the 'timing' of our IUI.

Well being a teacher is a joy, can't you tell? Seriously if you want my job IT IS YOURS! On top of the behavior issues I get a conversation of THIS at least once a week. Enjoy!

*Mrs. Grumps are you going to lay a baby? (yep you heard me, lay a baby! There are 10 pregos at work. My kids are obsessed!)

*I laugh and say, NOPE, no laying a baby here!

*Then my obnoxious kid asks how long I have been married.

*10 years.

*He replies with, "MY GOSH you should have had a baby by now. What is the problem? When are you going to have a baby?!

*My reply, after dealing with parents and sending kids to the office, "When God gives me my miralce." (I don't care if I say 'God' in a public school. In fact one of the kids was like, "Oh my gosh she said 'god!' Oooooooo)

*Then one girl, who I was going to say was sweet but in fact is a brat said, "Guys, even if God doesn't give her a baby, at least she has Itsy to love her. She is like her child."

My friend is listening to all of this flabbergasted. Her heart is broken and just doesn't know what to say. All I can do is laugh at the sweetness of children. The world is not only NOT seen in race but also not in IF terms with children!

I haven't forgotten about my stupid people post! It will come!

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have enjoyed my night being PISSED in my beer with my good friend and Grumps! Fat food and drinks RULE!

The Let Down

You can all stop holding your breath! It was a negative. I pretty much knew it would be since cramps have been my best friend. Gotta love the warning!

Grumps did take the phone call for me. It felt good knowing I didn't have a call waiting for me in my voicemail at work. When I called him to find out the results I could hear it in his voice. He said it was the worst call ever. It made him feel so awful when they start with, Hello, may I speak to .... I just wanted to let you know... in a very sad voice.... that it is a negative. YUCK! BUT Grumps said he was glad he could do that for me. He would do it every time. LOVE YOU!

They believe the reason for it not working (whatever they have no clue) is because my lining was so thin. No more Clomid and the Big G for me! Onto all injections. YIPEE!!! So my cycle should start on Friday and we will start this crazy ride all over again.

Onto better things, going for wings and beer! I can't stop singing, There's a tear in my beer!!!

Thank you for cheering me on and being there for me this month! Here's to more fun next time!

My next post will be all about stupid people! I know you can't wait!!!

Oh one more thing, there is another pregnant person at work! LOVE IT!

Holding My Breath

I have been here, hiding for the past little bit. I have been reading blogs and commenting on only a few. This 2ww is hard.

I love the first couple of weeks of my cycle. I love the shots, pills and doc visits. It makes me feel proactive. Now all I feel is ick.

Yellow and blue makes green. That's what happens when you use progesterone and estrogen up the 'girl' twice a day. I hate the green. I hate how it makes me feel pregnant. My boobs are bigger than Dolly's right now. I have them squished into my bra. They are more than painful. Of course I think, I might be pregnant. Truthfully, it is from the stupid green!!!!

Wednesday is the day I can finally breathe again. I should get the phone call sometime in the early afternoon. I had thought about testing early. Trying to push that idea out of my head. Instead I am going to have them call Grumps with the results. He needs to have that experience once. It is like a knife in the gut.

Today I heard, Hold Me Jesus by Rich Mullins. It couldn't have been a more perfect time.

DC girls, You sure helped pass the time on Saturday!!! Thanks for a fun night!

The little blue pill

My IUI is on for tomorrow. OH MY! It feels good to be doing SOMETHING instead of waiting. My u/s showed 2 really nice sized follicles on my right side. My left had lots of little ones. Everyone seemed happy.

I triggered last night. I gave myself a really nice painful bruise in the process. I wasn't so smart. I put the needle in the same place as my big F. It looks LOVELY! War scars is all I guess.

My lining wasn't all that great. I was given estrogen in a nice little blue pill to put up my girl. I was warned not to be freaked out by any leftover pill that shows up in my undies. She didn't warn me that it would turn my undies BLUE! I wish I could show someone. It is too funny. Starting tomorrow I will have 2 pills going up my girl. FUN TIMES!

So fingers crossed, prayers, happy thoughts, whatever for tomorrow.

Shooting Up!

Just this past week I had my little love affair with the little C pill. I am glad to say we are done with each other for this month. I still feel her effects but I guess that is a good thing. Tonight my love affair began with a new lover, the needle and Big F!

All day I have been anticipating our little dance we would have. The getting used to each other all over again. It has been awhile since we went on this ride. I had butterflies. I am not sure if they were from excitement or from fear. Maybe a little of both. What if I screwed it all up?

I finally stopped the countdown and just went for the plunge. I pulled everything out of the box. Washed my hands. Wiped my belly. Put the BIG needle on. Mixed the shot. Changed the needle. Got the air out. Prayed over the whole process, hoping for a miracle.

It all felt like a first kiss or seeing an old boy friend after a long time. Nervous, excited and then BAM! I grabbed my fat and stuck myself quickly. I forgot how much it stings and takes forever to go in. But when I finished and put my little needle into my beautiful red 'bottle' I had that feeling, the rush of going for it. It felt good.

Now lets hope Little C and Big F create beautiful sized follicles that will produce lovely eggs. Here's to Mondays u/s.

Clomid isn't Nice

I tried really heart to speak kindly to my little pill. I loved on her. Spoke to her with sweet talk. SHE IS EVIL! For some reason she just doesn't like me today. I can only hope she falls in love with me by Monday for my u/s.

This morning my insides felt like they were on fire and jumping all over the place. My hands were even shaking. With the growing anxiety building inside rage quickly took over its place. Then it ended with a nice hot flash with exhaustion.

Last time Clomid was a good girl. She just gave me little hot flashes. I can do hot flashes. I loved with them for a year on Lupron. But now she is a really bad girl. Tonight is my last night inviting little c into my 'bed'. I am ready to move onto my big man the shot!

On another note, Hugg*es reminded me I should have a 9 month old. Truly nice. I wish I could sue! If I end up with multiples I might just send them a letter demanding free diapers.

Happy Almost Friday!

Headaches, Cycles, and Babies

I am posting early today from bed. Yep I took the day off. I have had a headache since Saturday. It comes and goes. It gets worse and then lightens up. I have taken the good pills and the normal ones. Not much is helping. I guess it is stress. I do this. I let it all build up, usually in my sleep, and then explode one day. I am now exploding. To help with the explosion, I am going for a massage. Something has to give.

I am on day 5 of this lovely cycle. Two clomid pills down. Hope is rising in a very slow weird way. Guarded is my middle name. Hopeful will be my first. I have to hope. I can't be numb forever. But I will stay guarded. On day 3 I brought my little white pill to bed with me at 9. I looked at it from a far. Flirting a little with my eyes. HA! Then I began to fondle my sweet pill. Working hard to get it out of its little protective package. Next I held it between my fingers saying little sweet nothings to it. "Please do a good job! Please help give us a baby!" Down that little white pill went. Saturday will be my affair with my needle!

I am helping my team give a baby shower on Friday. I don't do baby showers unless I just have to. I have to with this one. I tried to stay just as an adviser but it looks like I am now going to be walking down the isle of baby crap to fill up a basket of stuff. Whose idea? MINE! Just shoot me now.

On a good baby note, Debby is having a boy! Go give her some amazing love! I hope she posts about it soon. She has the most priceless u/s ever!

Beer and Wings

When your husband finally understands what it feels like to be the last one standing, beer and wings is the only way to comfort.

My best friend and 9 co-workers are pregnant. We all know there are more to come. I am getting pretty good at just dealing with it all. Grumps has never really had it hit home. Guys at work are very jealous of his life. They would love to be free and do and go and whatever like Grumps. One guy he works with is 24 with 4 kids. It hurts but he doesn't really know him.

Last night he got his first real phone call announcement. I had been waiting for that call. It stung a bit. But today when he went to work his other really good friend told him they were expecting at the same time. I was also waiting for this too. The wives had told me they were trying. It was only a matter of time.

Grumps told me today he couldn't talk to his buddy for a good 2 hours. It just hurt too much. He wanted to feel happy for them. He knew they should be having a family. But he felt so left out and alone. I hate that he is hurting, but he finally completely understands.

So beer and wings was our night. LOVE IT! Also this year will be a year of birth or big spending, from the mouth of Grumps.

Hugs to my big strong man!