Can You Read My Mind?

Sorry for leaving everyone hanging with the sad news part. I had started this post but after a couple of drinks it began to make no sense.

On returning home from our family trip my mom called. She sounded strange but those days happen. She goes on to tell me my sister in law has miscarried.

Just last week I spent an entire week with a beautifully pregnant woman with a very cute son, my nephew. I wasn't prepared for this news.

She had gone in for a regular appointment to only discover the baby had died almost 3 weeks earlier. She was all alone.

Has someone been in my head reading my thoughts? Never did I wish a miscarriage but I did wonder when she was super sick the last day that maybe something wasn't right. You know, we IFer's who have experiences miscarriages only think the bad. Of course I also had thought, "why are you having a second child when your first is out of control and drives you nuts?" She had even said that the week before was the worst week of her life.

I really believe someone is in my head. I never wanted this to happen but how awful to feel relief with it. I had wanted a chance to have my time. See I am such a bad person!

Yet through all of this I can only hope my mom will learn more about what I went through. Once again, selfish! I told mom to ask if she could spread the news. My brother doesn't need to have to make those calls. I also told mom to tell people to send cards and flowers. Someone died, they deserved to be remembered.

I did my part. I gave advice to my mom. I sent flowers. I called my SIL and left a message. I have prayed for her. My heart truly does break for her. It is sad. I even thought, why do bad things happen to good people because she really has a heart of gold. Unlike my black heart. HA!

HOME!!!

I know, you have all waited with baited (not sure if that is the right spelling) breath to hear from me. YES I am home. We got home Sunday night! What a great time we had!

I know, I am shocked too. 7 days with the family and we are still all alive. Of course nothing was mentioned about me and Grumps and IF. The big talk was of my nephew and my brother and his wife and her unborn child. My dad was awestruck about it all. Grumps and I just cringed. So sad I can't enjoy someone else's life.

I only had one true moment. I described this moment to Grumps as unraveling. He didn't understand it with that one word. I was just super overwhelmed. I felt left out and alone. It was our last formal night and the dress I planned to wear, I had let my SIL wear at the beginning of the week. I had no idea my nephew had smeared food all over it. I was DONE! Of course Grumps was the only one who understood my mood change and tears flowing down my face. It had nothing to do with the dress but all to do with me and us and no child. The night ended with me drunk at a piano bar crying. :)

I have to say, I would much rather be childless on a cruise than have a 14 month old crying all the time.

Now onto sad news.

Setting Sail

Just in case our boat sinks and you never hear from me again, Grumps and I are leaving tonight for a cruise to Belize and other beautiful islands. The ship sets sail on Sunday. If you hear of our cruise in the news you know what happened to me.

I know you are thinking, "WOW a romantic getaway." Nope it is with the family. If you have been a follower you know about my family and all that jazz. I know we will have a good time but lots of prayer has gone forth to make it a good time. Grumps told me to go get sun if they drive me nuts.
So Happy Thanksgiving early to all of you!

The Blogger Flame of Fortitude

I have been given the honor of the Blogger Flame of Fortitude by amazing Jenna! She, herself, deserves this award more than anyone I know. She has stood tall in the midst of heartache and has come out the other side even stronger. The other women she has honored are just as amazing. I am speechless to be side by side with these amazing women.

WOW what a love fest!!!

A few women came to mind when I was urged to pass this honor on. Ladies I know honor you for walking this journey with grace. You inspire me!

Debby, Nicole, Chris, Cathleen, Kell, Niobe, and Chrystie.

There are so many amazing women but the story of these ladies immediately came to mind. Pass this amazing award on!

The Unthinkable

I am about to do the unthinkable. I know many of you will laugh but for me this is huge. I am about to mark all read on my google/reader. When I came to my computer this morning I had over 400 posts to read. I AM SO BEHIND. I can't stand the pressure. After 2 hours I have whittled it down to 236 post to read. I just can't spend my Saturday skimming through blogs. I just can't.

I know this is so stupid to worry about but if you know me you know how I am. I have little issues.

I hate writing my name in a book.

I don't like to read all of the back of a book afraid it will give too much away.

I like to reply right away to emails. I had so many in my inbox starred for a better thoughtful day to reply. KILLS ME!

I hate to not finish something but also hate being stressed about it. I hate asking for help. I would rather look strong.

I don't cry in front of others very often. Grumps has seen my tears only a handful of times. My family always laughed when I cried. I refuse to do it now afraid of showing weakness or being laughed at.

I stick to my promises and agreements even if it kills me. Once I was supposed to meet a friend at the gym. I was sick as a dog but didn't want to bale on her. I waited for an hour and she never showed. At work that week I asked where she was. She didn't feel up to going. I was ticked but never told her.

I don't do confrontation. I would rather just live with the issue than deal with it. I even do this in my marriage.

I always save the last little bit of everything for Grumps. He never notices or eats it. It drives me nuts but I can't stop myself.

I want to be involved in others lives. I want them to know I cared. THIS is why hitting the marked all as read is driving me nuts this morning. Just know I do care. I really want to comment. I just can't have this list hanging over my head any longer. Mel I suck as a Clicker right now. Please forgive me. See I am a freak!

Anyone else a freak like me?

Tally it Up

I just wanted to add with a LAUGH on this great dreary Friday there are now 10 girls at work pregnant! More than 10% of my staff is pregnant!

I think I need to keep a numbered list on my sidebar with all the preggos in my life. This could get fun! HA!

Not Part of the Club

I couldn't believe my ears on Tuesday. My friend, also pregnant, rushed into the copy room to tell me the news. Another girl at work is pregnant. That would make 8. I asked questions, how far, natural, due date. She rushed off the answers. I was generally happy for the girl. She had been trying for a while. But it still hurt to know I was left behind again and surrounded by 8 bellies!

I took a moment to breathe when the girl strolls into the work room, right up to my friend. The words that came out of her mouth cut like a knife.

I am now part of the club!

My mouth dropped. I tried to smile at her and say "congrats". I am not sure what I actually looked like or said. I am sure the plastered smile on my face looked more like a smile of someone about to vomit.

Then the pictures cropped down before my friend. 8 week pictures. 8 weeks stings for me. I lost my angel to heaven at 8 weeks. My friend was nice, asked questions and moved her along. I stapled papers in silence trying desperately not to cry.

Once the new club member was gone my friend grabbed me and repeated how sorry she was over and over.

I am not part of the club! I can't get those words out of my head. I don't belong with those girls, the 8 girls.

Last night I went to the Casting Crowns concert. The first guy talked about his family and praying for his kids and blessing them. Of course I wasn't part of that club either. As the night went on and was about to end the band members prayed for the crowd. One prayed for the young men. Another prayed for marriages. It got to the young girl and I thought, she is going to pray for the club members. Yep she did, but not the belly/kid kind but the IF/childless kind. She too is struggling and has lost an angel. Tears streamed down my face as I finally didn't feel left out. I knew one of their recent songs had a line about a wife longing for a family. I didn't realize why.

I am better at the end of the week. I am better with my non-membership. I know, my time is coming, according to the rest of the world. I am not sure I like hearing those words. I know they are trying to be helpful but a pat on the arm or a squeeze is enough for me. Maybe I can fake being part of the club and just get fat!

VOTE

Yes, tomorrow's election day. I am all for voting. I am all for doing your civil duty. I am also ready for all the flyers, phone calls, and trash to be over. But this post isn't about politics. For those who know me in real life, you know where I stand in all of it. You also know I don't talk politics I just live my life to what I believe. Okay back to the real reason for this post!

Mel needs our vote! Yep amazing Mel from Stirrup Queen/Town Crier. Mel who has been the foundation to IF blogs. Mel whose brain never stops and completely amazes me even when she doesn't speak at a DC bloggers get-together!

Mel has been nominated for a weblog award and I'd love to help her out. Please click on this link (http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-
blog-1.php) and vote for her. The name of her blog is Stirrup Queens. You can vote once every 24 hours until November 8th. Just in time to NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), let's increase IF/pg loss awareness by having our community win.

If you are or have dealt with IF OR you are friends of someone who has walked this crappy road go and give her support. VOTE! Do your civil duty! Help spread awareness! As right now, 9:39 on the 5th of November, she is ahead! Let's keep it that way!

His Hope

My hope comes and goes. I get the stupid desire to stop this crazy roller coaster of infertility and move on with my life. Then hope creeps in and reminds me we have so many more 'things' to try before throwing in the towel.

This year will be 5 years of trying for us. It will also be 10 years of marriage. We have spent half of our marriage trying for a child. Grumps and I were talking about this at dinner last night. It is another birthday without children for me. We usually get into a short but deep conversation about us each year. I begin to plan out our IUIs. I asked if Grumps wanted to just skip right to IVF. He said "Whatever the doctor tells us to do."

Here is my hope, we will do an IUI in December, January and February. March/April will be our first IVF. Nowhere in there did I see success. Nowhere did I leave room for hope and miracles.

Here is Grumps' hope, where do you want to go for your spring break? I wasn't planning a trip. You will be pregnant.

Of course I laughed! I haven't played the pregnant card in a long time. I quit living my life in terms of, "What if I am pregnant then?" Living my life like that hurts when the month comes along when we would have done something or gone somewhere but don't because we thought I would be pregnant.

I was glad to see Grumps living in the positive. He very rarely lives there in life. The positive is my job. I guess in this case he needed to take over.

Into the Vault: The Common Thread Project

Last week I went into the vault of drafts and pulled out a title I had typed but couldn't write about. Today I go into my vault and find a post I just never finished. I wasn't sure how I felt about the whole common thread of infertility.

I am not a person who follows trends. If I look cute in it or I really like it I will participate. But to just do it for the sake of being cool, that isn't me.

When the Live Strong bracelets came out I didn't wear one. Grumps didn't wear one either. He is even more extreme in his beliefs of trends. So when I saw the common thread posts a year ago and the bracelets being talked about I just wasn't sure where I stood.

Here were my thoughts on 8/19/06 at 10:02 PM.

I saw this recently on a couple of blogs. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it and truly decide if I want to participate. BUT I do think it is a wonderful idea.

Stirrup Queens... and Desperately Seeking Baby blogged about it. Wear a pomegranate colored thread on your wrist to help create a community of us going through infertility. When you see the thread you will know that you aren't alone.

A year later and Bella Vida began her common thread project. She has given out over 80 free bracelets for the cause. Now I wear one. In fact Grumps wore one until it broke recently. I was shocked when he said he would participate. I had him read about it. He asked if it was worldwide. Then I let it go for a couple of days. I came back and asked if he wanted a bracelet of his own. His reply, "Sure." When his came in the mail I put it on his wrist and we just looked at our bracelets. We were now marked.

No one has asked about my bracelet. Now Grumps on the other hand was asked by a co worker. The guy said, "Why are you wearing that bracelet." Grumps answered, "My wife gave it to me." But it didn't stop the questions. His friend went on to ask more. "What does it mean." Grumps didn't hesitate as he explained about the common thread. His friend thought it was very cool. (It is too early to think of a better word!)

It is amazing how a year can change your prospective and your convictions. If you don't have your own bracelet go over to Bella Vida and email her. She has 12 left! Show the world we aren't alone!

Hit Me Baby One More Time!

I thought it couldn't get any worse. NOPE I was wrong. My sister in law is pregnant with her second. Yep, my nephew just turned one. My brother is 4 years younger. They will have their family completed by the time they are 30. I am happy for them but whatever for me.

My mom actually is the one who gave me the heads up. I was shocked. She actually called to freak out about it. She just can't believe they would want children that close together. I told her I was expecting it. She told me to act surprised when they tell me.

Grumps comment was, "Wow they sure don't have a problem getting pregnant."

Nope they don't. I didn't freak out. I did cry all throughout Brothers and Sisters. It helped.

Of course my selfish comment to Grumps was, "Why couldn't they have just waited a little bit?" HA!

Maybe my mom will get pregnant next. She would at least give me her baby!

Deep Within the Vault

I have been wanting to do this for a long time. Of course being a teacher limits most of any blogging for me. I go on a blogging spree and then onto a dry spell. SO I have decided to make Friday Open Up the Vault Day!

I have 325 published posts and 24 unpublished posts. 24 isn't a lot, neither is 325. BUT there are some thoughts in the vault which no one has seen. Some of those thoughts might only be a title. Others are a sentence or two. Then there are the big posts. Lots of rambling words.

*Disclaimer* many of these posts were written in a very dark time. I have included the date so you can go back to my other posts and put this one into perspective if you would like or not. I am going to start with my first draft post! I have no clue what it will be. It could be STUPID or whatever.

8/16/06 10:43 AM

Our Little One

All there was in the vault of Blogger was a title. I remember writing this. I remember having tears. I needed to just put those words out there into space, onto my monitor, out of my head. I wanted to tell my little one how much I missed 'her'. I was in such pain. I had just had my d&c. All my thoughts were consumed with this title. I couldn't type out any more that day. The title haunted me for weeks. I had too many words, emotions, feelings to put them out for the world to read.

Come back next Friday to enter the vault with me. HA!

Your Haunting Memories

In IF what are the memories that haunt you?

I have a few...

I feel like I have had sex with an elephant after my lap. I hear my doctor tell me as I am coming out of it all, "I am sorry to say, this is the worst endo I have ever seen." WOW my breath was gone!

The day that ended it all, there was no heartbeat. Then to have it confirmed. I couldn't even look at the screen. Grumps stayed on the other side of the room afraid to look at me or the screen. I told the tech, "We know there won't be a heartbeat. We just need it confirmed." The tech's face said it all with each snap on the machine.

Finally the day which really sticks out is having Grumps finding me in the bathtub with no water crying hysterically on our baby's due date.

What are your haunting memories?

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago when I was feeling blue. This morning, not so blue. I couldn't leave it on a blue note.
Of course I have good memories too.

Finding support and community in a way I never thought possible in all areas of my life.

Seeing Pregnant for the first time. I jumped around the house for hours whispering the words.

The day Grumps and I dtd in the car on the way home from wine tasting. When we were finished I stuck my feet out of the car and lifted my butt to make sure I was elevated.

My Candle

I light my candle tonight for my little angel. For all the angels. For D's angels.

I wish we had you in our arms but instead we carry you in our hearts.

Open Enrollment

Updated!

I love being in my 30's but right now in my life I think 20's might be better.

I am at the age where either everyone already has children or they are just beginning to try. There was a time where I was surrounded by newly married couples who didn't even think about children in the near future. Now I am surrounded by couples with children, preggos or those trying.

I am beginning to think we are the only couple in our circle of friends left being childless. I love my friends. They are SO good to me but I think I need to make it open season for new friend applicants. HA! For my real life friends, they know I joke about having too many friends. Too many to the point I joked about not taking applicants.

We are going out with friends today to a winery. I was so excited about it until Grumps told me his friend's wife might not drink because they are trying. She might even be pregnant. I swear to God I am surrounded!

If you are childless and would like to make new friends it is open season and I am taking applicants!

Oh it looks like we might be able to switch insurances this month after all. Fingers crossed! Hoping for December IUI!

Update!!!
We had a great time yesterday. She isn't pregnant. She drank just as much as I did. The 4 of us went through 4 bottles of wine. I am not sure how long she has been trying but I can tell she is disappointed that it hasn't happened yet. Thank God for a good day out.

Over the Edge

I have no clue what my title means. I guess I am just over it all. Mainly the waiting. I will get to more on the waiting in a minute.

I had my self-evaluation at work last week. Every 2 years I am on the observation cycle. I HATE IT! My boss comes and goes watching me teach. She checks my records. I show her all my great stuff and how I keep up with parents, blah blah blah. Really it is just STRESS!

During my meeting she asked for my goals for the year. I made some crap up. She asked if I had a personal goal. Yep, to just make it through the year. I then spilled my guts and told her my story. Not all of it but the nutshell version with limited tears. Before I got into it she drops her grandbaby's picture in my hands. I am like, "OH MY GOD please stop." Well it is an IVF baby. She tried to connect. I thought WOW I have a boss who totally will get me.

Here comes her advice. First, she is putting me on her baby list. The list of women she wants to get pregnant for the year. I would like to know what she will do about all of this. Then she tells me to surround myself with all the pregnant women. To let their hormones surround me. To soak them in. To let them heal me.

WHAT THE CRAP! Who tells an IF to surround herself with pregnant women? I believe that is more like suicide. I smiled, tried not to roll my eyes, and laughed. At least my new boss knows where I am if any more crap hits the fan.

Now onto what really pushed me over the edge. You know the, "We are changing our insurance in October. I will do my next IUI in December?" Well let's move that change to next month. I know, it is only one month but it pushes my IUI to January unless my cycle falls perfectly in December. I have spent more time waiting than doing anything productive. I am just plain TIRED! Yes I know I just talked about "My time is in Your hands." Seriously what more can I do in this wait? UGH!

I guess on the bright side, I get one more extra month of drinking.

Yep I have been on a posting craze. Sorry for so many posts. It is my way of dealing.

Please Remember Me

There have been many times, even recently, I have felt forgotten by God. I watch many people receive their joy and their answer to prayer and yet I am left with the same pleading prayer. I have walked with God for a very long time. I have seen Him do many amazing miracles. My faith has grown but then it wavers when my miracle doesn't happen.

The other night I read a chapter in a book I have been reading. It was the prayer of Hannah. I have read Hannah's story many times. She longs for a child. Her husband's other wife has been granted this desire. Hannah is left in shame not able to give her husband what she should be able to do. What she was made to do. She prays a prayer. She prays for God to remember her. She is left feeling alone and forgotten. I understand Hannah's heart and prayer.

In this search to be remembered by God, He gave me a verse. I have read my Bible since I was a little girl. I have read through Psalms a million times. When I need encouragement I find my way there. I came upon a verse the other night. I swear it was light up. God had illuminated it just for me. The amazing this is, a couple of nights after I was given this verse, I read it again in a devotional I was reading. God wanted me to know I wasn't forgotten. He has remembered me.

Psalm 35:15 "My time is in Your hands."

God knows just what He is doing with my life. With my desires. With my everything. I just need to rest in it. It is all in His hands. So simple but so needed.

During my early morning walk a song comes on my playlist every day. It has spoken to my heart during this desire to be remembered time. I hope it speaks to you as well.

Hard To Get

Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven

Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth

Who are afraid of being left by those we love

And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape

To find the faith to ask for daily bread

Did You forget about us after You had flown away

Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath

While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin

We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was

Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness

Did You ever know need

Do You remember just how long a night can get?

When You were barely holding on

And Your friends fall asleep

And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted

While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows

And I know you feel our pain

And I know it would not hurt any less

Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out

At the One who loves me most

And after I figured this, somehow

All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity

Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time

We can't see what's ahead

And we can not get free of what we've left behind

I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears

All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here

Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led

And so You've been here all along I guess

It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

Regrets

I have them every day.

I regret eating half the McDs hash brown this morning that my co-worker bought.

I regret getting very angry at my students yesterday even though a HUGE part of it was my PMS and LOTS of AD*VL I took for the awful cramps.

I regret the chips I bought to eat on my short drive home because I couldn't resist. Now my mouth hurts.

I regret drinking so much wine the other day that I don't remember the last half. It couldn't have been so bad since Grumps didn't say a word to me about it. But still...

These are all little regrets but with IF I find we all live with bigger regrets.

I regret being so naive and thinking I would get pregnant the first time we did the deed without protection.

I regret waiting so long to start trying.

I regret having stayed with the first doctor so long.

I regret not pushing through the testing instead of dragging my feet.

I regret Lupron.

I regret the drink fest I had.

I regret taking that long flight to Canada while pregnant.

I regret the sausage I ate.

I regret not switching insurances earlier.

I regret not pushing for treatments sooner.

I regret the stupid advice and comments I gave to others when I should have just given a hug and a prayer.

I regret having regrets.

The cycle kills me. I worry what others think about my journey. "Why have you been trying so long and just have had one IUI?" My journey has had small moments of hope which have caused big gaps of wait.

NO MORE REGRETS! My journey has made me ME! It has helped others. It is helping others. I can't walk in other peoples IF shoes. I can't try to will my journey to change. I have to live in the now and not in the regret.

This morning I was reminded of this freedom of regret in a song.

Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman

Me and My Ramblings

I am here, finally with my wireless working! (Thanks S!!!) Not having my wireless working has really been a drag. HA! I have so much tv to catch up on and not having blogs to read with the tv has been hard. I know, it sounds crazy. But not being able catch up on blogs kills me. I had over 250 posts to read this weekend. Yep, I feel like that is a lot. I finally caught up! I haven't caught up on tv.

October is here. It looks like we will be able to change my insurance without waiting for January. It scares me. Totally scares me. I am in a good place, minus the preggos that surround me. I don't want to go into the dark places of IF. I enjoy breathing. There are times when it can be hard but barely breathing is a different place.

I am feeling that alone feeling again. Not because I don't have amazing friends but because I am left behind. I guess I should stand tall and be proud that at least I am still standing. But still standing alone can be a hard place.

Dmarie THANK YOU for the bracelets. My next post will be about them. Grumps amazed me.

My Favorite Number is Changing

You know when you were a kid you had a favorite number? Mine was 7! Well 17 because the number of my 1st grade classroom. I loved Mrs. Waldrop! But I soon dropped the 1 and left it at 7. I think I need to change it. I don't know, maybe to... 20! or back to 17!

The reason....

There are now 7 preggos at work. YEP 7! CRAP CRAP CRAP! I am surrounded. The best part, they are all due in the same 2 months. SHOOT ME! I might need to die!

Guess when they are all due? Yep right around my due date! YEP KILL ME!!!!

Out of the Mouths of Second Graders

It's that time of year. The time where my class begins to ask questions about my family. Every year questions are asked. Every year it gets easier to answer them, but it still stings.

Class: Do you have any children?

Me: Nope, I have you guys. That is enough.

Class: Why don't you have any children?

Me: We are waiting for God to give them to us. (Yes I used God in a public school but seriously, parents should teach their children not to ask such questions.)

Class: I know how to make children. You only need to plant a seed. Have you planted the seed?

Me: Okay enough of this!

Class: Maybe one day you will come to school with a big belly. Maybe we will see you next year with a HUGE belly.

Me: Speechless, holding back the tears. Hoping they are little prophets and can tell the future.

Class: My mom has 4 kids. She says it is too many. I know someone who has 6 kids......

Me: Seriously guys, we need to move on. Can someone tell me what are our life needs again?

SHOOT ME IN THE FOOT! I am sure more questions will come since there are 5 pregnant women at my school. I am sure more will show up later on during the year. I am also positive a kid will say, "Why does so and so have a big belly and you don't?"

I love kids but sometimes their words really hurt.

My Music that Moves Me

I found this REALLY cool place where you can add your music to your blog. I am in heaven. For those who know me in real life know how much I love music. I live my life with many theme songs. Even in my classroom, music is played ALL day long. In fact I have 4,568 songs on my iPod right now. Grumps and I are forever adding more.

I have wanted to add a little bit of my favorites or songs that move me to my blog for a long time. So now I have found out how. I have it set to play when you get on my blog. If you think that is annoying, please let me know. I can change the setting. Scroll down to the bottom of my blog to see my list. This is just a little peak into my music world.

ENJOY!!!

A Missed Opportunity

and how I can't breathe!

Grumps and I have been trying for a family for 4 years and 7 months. In other words, a very long time. During that time we have never missed an opportunity to TRY. Yes we missed times when he was away or when I was on Lupron or miscarried but all other months were a go. Some months we gave it ALL we had a million times in a month. Other times it was a hit or miss. And even still there were months it was a one time go. This month NONE!

This doesn't mean we haven't had 'moments'. We just haven't tried during out little window. There really isn't a reason. Yep I haven't felt well. My insides have really hurt. We have been busy and tired. But we usually push through and try. Last night was our last chance moment and Grumps car got slightly hit in our parking lot. So it was a no go. He was not in a good place.

As I went to bed I started having that panic moment. I felt like I couldn't breathe. How could we miss a good opportunity? It was hard to just let this month go. No symptoms. No 'thinking'. No wondering at all. Maybe it will be a nice break but I feel like I completely missed it. I missed that 0 to 5% chance this month. See that did make me laugh.

In all of this freak out today at work I really had a hard time. I haven't had a hard time in months. But it was a "I can't breathe" day for sure. There are at least 5 women pregnant at my school. Most all are do in Aprilish. They are starting to tell and show just a tad. I was okay with it at first but now I can't breathe. How will I be able to handle them all at once? I have dealt with many pregnant women at work before but never all at once right in my face.

There was a moment after hearing major talk about it all, seeing bellies, and thinking "I don't fit" when I had to do all I could do to hold in the tears and screams. I wanted to run to the bathroom, lock the door and never leave. I couldn't breathe.

Thank God for my girls. My day got better with wine and dinner. I can only hope I can make it through the rest of the year. It is pretty bad when you are already counting down until June.

Here is my song for today. Maybe even the year. All I can do is breathe for sure! Even that is hard!

Painful Innocence

Yesterday in church I was singing and worshiping when D began to talk about her morning. She got chocked up and of course I got chocked up too. I had been focused on the song but now I was watching her speak.

My eyes were looked down to the front row. There at the front of the church was the most precious little girl in a white dress and ruby red sparkling shoes. She began to dance and twirl and worship God. She was maybe 5 if that. The look on her face was so intent on praising God. My heart broke. My eyes filled with tears. I want a little girl to mold and teach and have her grow into a godly woman.

I don't know if D had seen her. If she was trying hard not to focus her attention on her. I know I began to cry out to God asking Him to change me from the inside out. Desperately wanting to put my focus back on Him and not on the precious little girl.

It is amazing how something so sweet and pure and innocent can be so painful.

Witness to Your Life

To all my girls in my life. Thank you for always being there for me. I hope I can be there for you. I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing women.



The video is pretty rough and not even all the song but the chorus is amazing!

All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who never lets you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life

This maybe just a softer place to fall
But someone will answer when you call
And I will be that witness to your life

You should never have to be alone
Someone will always call you home
And I will be that witness to your life

DC Bloggers I had a ROCKING time today!!!! You are now my girls too.

Welcome Back to School

Going back to school has been a killer. MAN it makes me tired just thinking about it! This morning I swore it was Friday when I woke up. I was so excited. WHAT THE HECK! It is only Monday.

My kids are sweet. I have some crazy little boogers but they were for sure hand picked for me.

Well I over heard a little conversation today. It sort of broke my heart. One little girl tells another little girl, "My sister got married." The other girl said, "What happens after you get married?" The reply was, "You have babies." I wish it was that easy for everyone.

I love my team. Of course there are some characters that can drive you crazy. But then there are the gems. On of my close teammates is pregnant. I LOVE HER because truly you would never know. She NEVER complains. She constantly is sensitive to my feelings. On the other hand there is a girl pregnant on another team. She had a miscarriage last year. She became obsessed with getting pregnant again. She was blessed with a quick pregnancy this summer. She isn't super far along BUT you would think she was 40 weeks pregnant by the way she acts. Today she pushed herself off the chair as if she had a 10 lb baby inside. GAG ME!!!! Thank God she isn't on my team.

My final story.... This is the killer. I told Grumps and he about died. He said next time I should burst into a hysterical crying fit. A mom and her girls were coming to visit her former teachers this afternoon. I have only briefly spoken to her before.

Well she asks me the horrid question through 'sign language.' "Are you..." making a pregnant belly. I paused thinking, "You are STUPID! Who asks that when you don't know me from Adam." I replied with, "Nope!" Usually it stops there. But she has to dig the knife in deeper. She goes on to say, "Really? Everyone is pregnant around here. I thought you would be too."

Ummmm I wanted to spit on her. Of course I smiled while shaking my head and said, "We are waiting for God to give us a miracle. We have been trying for a long time." While I am saying this she keeps walking and says, "Wow, Really?" It ends there. I was SPEECHLESS!!!

When will people learn? Did I look pregnant? Was someone spreading rumors? Did they get me confused with someone else? I am sure it will be all over the neighborhood now. It had started last year when a mom came to see me after 'hearing a rumor.' She wanted me to have her fertility book hoping it would help me. After so many years books don't work but I took it anyway. She said it was a good luck charm. Whatever!

Welcome back to school to me!!!!

A New Place

Today at church we sang a song which I have sung a million times. Each time I sang the song I would plead for it to be true but deep in my heart I couldn't sing it with truth.

As I sang the song this morning there was freedom. I could sing it truthfully and with all my heart. What a nice place to be. This new place.

Here are the words:

You are all I want
You are all I need
Help me know You are here.

When I would sing, You are all I want it wasn't completely true. I wanted a baby. I still do but I wanted it more than I wanted God. Does that make sense? I felt like a liar every time I would sing that line.

When I would sing, You are all I need I knew it to be true but it hurt to admit it. I wanted to believe I needed a child. I needed a baby to be in my life. I didn't just want God to fill all my needs with only Him.

When I sang the song today I completely meant those words. He is all I want. He is all I need. I am complete in my life. I will survive no matter the outcome. I will be victorious no matter if it is just Grumps and me for the rest of our lives. So the last line is VERY important. I need to know God is here and near and ever present. If I am going to give up my burden for this new place I need to know I am not alone.

I know you are all shaking your heads and snickering. You are thinking, "just wait, you will retract all of this soon." I am sure I will have moments of sorrow and longing. I am sure I will come to that awful place of being so desperate for a child. But right now I know I can and will be okay no matter the ending.

I haven't given up hope. I have just given up the burden.

Happy Hour

Thursday nights are happy hour with my girls. I LIVE for Thursday nights. We eat, drink and bitch about life and infertility. Today I was left with just Grumps. I love Grumps but happy hour isn't the same.

BUT it was still super nice on a Thursday of the first week of school. I enjoyed beer (I told you I learned how to drink it and enjoy it!) and catfish. Grumps enjoyed margaritas and enchiladas. I realized right then how I truly can enjoy life without children. Don't get me wrong. I would LOVE to be pregnant this month even though AF is pretty much here. Her dog Spot is hitting hard at the door. But the longer we go on this journey the more we enjoy our life.

If we ever have kids we will have to say, "Good-bye" to out of the blue happy hour moments. I guess it is why we are enjoying them now. We went out twice this week for happy hour.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

I am sure my next post will be ugly. It is like when you say to a friend, "My husband and I haven't had a fight in forever." That night you have the worst fight in the history of your marriage!

Busy BEE!!! UPDATED!!!

THAT IS ME!!!

School started today. The kids aren't there but school is definitely back in session. I am working so hard to getting my room looking just so. UGH! My summer was just too good to end. SO if I don't post as often or reply to your emails know it isn't because I don't love you. It is because I have to make money some how to live where I live.

I LOVED all the comments on my last couple of posts. I FEEL SO LOVED! If you still haven't added an email to your blog DO IT! I want to reply back through email but can't when you don't help me. Just go to go*gle and get an address just for your blog and comments. There were so many good thoughts out there. I wanted to comment on them!

For my secret deleted post.... I will blog about it again but in a different, non drunk, light. :)

MAN I hate I am back at work. I have a million posts going on in my head. Here is a peak!!!

The great lengths of DTD!

UPDATED!!!!
Meeting bloggers! ( I LOVED MY TIME WITH LJ and MEG!!! *** Edited to say MEL!!! I am so sorry! I owe you a drink. I don't know a Meg. LOL!!!)

and

Never published posts!!!!

Until then, keep it real. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Your Blog, My Poll

If you were checking blogs last night you might have read one of my crazy posts. I was having a moment. Well I went to bed with clarity realizing it was stupid. This morning I decided to delete it. I have NEVER deleted a post before. But this was one which won that honor. Now onto better things!

Does your spouse read your blog?

I had a talk about this with fellow bloggers. They both said yes. I was sort of surprised. I have no problem with Grumps reading my blog. I have told him before to check it out. But he is afraid I might portray him in a bad light. I have opened my blog at left it at certain posts for him to read. He is usually amazed at how fast I can get my thoughts out. I just throw out my words. He over thinks and analyzes. He wants it to be perfect. I just want to get my thoughts out there.

SO once again, does your spouse read your blog? How do you feel about it?

Making Amends

Do you remember my mom?

Well I guess she realized her insensitivity. I got a call from her yesterday asking if I would be home today. She was sending me something. A surprise. It arrived today in a long box.
The note said something about making my day and how God had something good coming my way soon.

We will never be able to 'talk' about my problem but at least she realizes when she should be more sensitive. I am pretty impressed!

The Bookstore

The other day Grumps and I went to one of the big chain bookstores. I LOVE BOOKS! But I hate big bookstores. I get lost. I feel overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin my journey.

I hit the front displays. I browse through the sale items. I move onto the recent paperbacks. I find myself walking through the mysteries. Next is the self helps. Finally the 'naughty' books.

Well today I did my usual walk. I found a couple of maybe books. I decided to be naughty early on during my walk. I didn't last long there. There was some gross guy following me and standing nearby. No thank you! I ended up at the fertility section. Guess what I found? Yep I found a miscarriage book right next to a Get Pregnant Naturally book. I almost threw up in my mouth and then spewed it in laughter. I couldn't wait to run and tell Grumps. Who thought of that mix? But it didn't surprise me. That right there is an infertile's life. STUPID!

By the way, I ended up buying one of those mystery books. I carried it over to the big stuffed chairs to read a bit. I actually fell asleep. THEN I found the nasty man sitting close by with his own naughty book taking notes. I got up to leave after that. It was just too much for one night!

Change of Subject

Why do I try to share my heart or whatever with my mom? WHY! I know what will happen EVERY TIME! The funny thing I really wasn't even truly sharing my heart.

She called to check in on my tonight. Grumps is out of town. My dad is out of town. So we talk for a long time. We talk about everything. I start talking about my mother in law. I move on to talking about how infertility can be like a rollercoaster. She listens to me for maybe a minute when there is an abrupt change of subject.

It goes something like this:

Me: You know I told my MIL how infertility is like a rollercoaster. You have really good days and then one word is said and BAMB a bad day. Of course my MIL says it is hormones.

My Mom: Let me tell you something that happened the other day....

Not even a WOW or AW or I'm sorry but

CHANGE OF SUBJECT COMPLETELY!

Why can't she just realize I HAVE A PROBLEM? Does she think it isn't there? Does she really think if we don't talk about it God will just fix it? Does she still believe it is all my fault? My faith still isn't big enough, strong, enough, or even there!

I would give my right foot for my mom to be different sometimes. Yes, she sends me cards saying, I love you, all the time. BUT changes the subject on a dime. If only she knew how ugly my life can get.

Don't get me wrong, I love her. BUT I need to learn to keep my stupid infertility thoughts to myself. Remind me not to tell her when we start up our IUIs again.

Catching Up

First, I blog in my head. Yep I blog all day in my head. My favorite place to blog is in the shower. I create posts. Many of them just stay in my head. Others get typed out and never posted. I am tempted to just post all of them with the dates attached. Some of them I am afraid to post. Others are really low places. Many are just stupid and I am embarrassed. So dumb. It is my blog. I should feel more confident. So I have been blogging in my head. Here are some of my thoughts.

My summer is over and all I can think about is last year at this time. Last year I was so afraid to go back to work. I was afraid everyone could read my mind and know I had been pregnant. I was sad. I wasn't myself. I just sat in silence during all the meetings. Now this year, I am afraid people will ask if I am pregnant. I am not sure I why I am afraid. I just don't want to look pregnant. I am far from pregnant. Can I just stop the clocks and keep living this summer over and over again? I have loved it to the fullest!

My little nephew has won my heart. Once again last year when I got the call that he was born I cried and cried. It was so hard to hear about someone having a baby and being so full of joy when I had lost mine. My mom let me know my sister in law and brother needed more things for the boy. During my loss I had to buy more baby gifts. I cried and cried during that too. Now a year later I am in love with that little fellow.

When I helped keep in at the beginning of the summer I was so afraid of being with him. It didn't take long to fall in love. It was very bittersweet. I would hold him, rock him, tell him secrets. He would respond and laugh and hold me tight. I wanted to keep him for myself. Now I just spent some time buying him things for his 1st birthday. It wasn't hard. I LOVED IT! I wasn't bitter. I wasn't sad. I was happy to have in my life. I couldn't stop spending money. I wish I could show you his cute picture for his invite. He looks like my brother at that age. Priceless grin with new teeth, almost white blond hair, and a cute full face. It makes me wish we lived closer. I would love to hear him say, "Aunt Sunny!"

Childhood friends are far and few for me. I keep up with them from a distance. I moved too many times in my life to keep up with people. I wish I could go back and get clothes to many of them again. But too much time has passed. We aren't the same people. Some times it makes me sad.

If you made it through this post I applaud you! BORING would be my thoughts. I just had to get these 'posts' out of my head and onto my blog.

Add Ons UPDATED!!!

With all my summer time I have been adding new things to my blog. If you read other IF blogs you might see some new add ons to their blogs as well.

Here we go!

First I have updated my blogs which I link to. There are many new blogs and many bloggers who have recently received BFPs! I challenge you to check out a new blog. There are many amazing blogs out there who deserve your support!

Lost and Found

Here is a wonderful place to stay connected with all the stirrup-queens out there! Announcements, new blogs, and anything else you need to know are posted here daily! Check it out!

Join the Traveling DVD




If you missed Jenna's amazing moment on Oprah last week, join the traveling dvd!

Also don't forget about my posts that hit home on my sidebar! I have found some amazing new posts floating around the blog world these days! Give them some love!

UPDATED!!!
Finally I am playing around with an iTunes function. It is called, My iTunes Widget. It is located on my sidebar at the bottom. It lists my favorite groups and singers according to iTunes. It has taken me forever to get it to look the way it is supposed to. Yet I am not sure if it is working right. We shall see how long this new little add on lasts!

My Summer Goals

I need to lighten the air around here. My last couple of posts are such downers. THANK YOU for the amazing encouraging words. I felt surrounded by love!

SO back to my summer goals.

My summer is almost over. I have 2 more weeks left before I head back to work. BLECH! I don't want to go back but I have no choice.

I feel really good about my summer and the goals I made. I actually accomplished all of them minus one.

* My first goal was to learn to drink beer! I think I have mastered this one. There are some beer I have to work hard to drink, Coors Light, piss water! Other beers are actually craved: Molson Canadian, Blue Moon, Miller Chill and the local brewery. I am feeling pretty proud of myself. HA!

* Clean out the closets. Grumps and I actually did it this week. He also got the urge to pull out all the furniture and clean the carpets. I was grumpy about it all until he started giving me beer. We also enjoyed a good laugh looking at old photos.

* Getting a tan at K's pool. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

* Little trips with friends. We have visited wineries (we have another trip planned for this Monday!), enjoyed the beach, happy hours, and much more. We still have some more pool time and a concert this week!

* Meet up with the DC bloggers! YEP and I had a blast! I am hoping I can make the next one.

* Read a couple of books. I have read 4 in fact!!! Two James Patterson, The Scandalous Summer of Sissy LeBlanc (WAY FUN!) and Drowning Ruth. They all were a good read!

I totally forgot. I read 5 books this summer. I started a Patricia Cornwell book 2 years ago. Yep, I just couldn't get into it. I finally finished it this summer. I amaze myself how I can still remember the beginning of the book.

* RELAXING totally was a number one priority.

My walks didn't happen. It just got too dang hot but I did start Weight Watchers.

How did your summer go?

I Don't

Want to be 31 and childless~!

I love my husband but this is not what I had EVER imagined my life would ever be.

I can promise you, I won't have a baby by the time I am 32. I won't have a baby by the time we have been trying for 5 years.

I DON'T LIKE TODAY!

A Million Thoughts

All surrounding the same theme...

My little angel.

All week I have been thinking about last year at this time. The days and dates consume my thoughts throughout my day. You want to take a peak into what I have been thinking about? Here goes:

Monday, a year ago, I wasn't feeling myself. Actually I felt sick at one point during my day. I am almost positive my little angle left me that day.

Today, a year ago, I didn't need a nap. When I was pregnant I would have a 2 hour nap a day. This day I never got tired, even as I and I shopped our hearts out.

Tomorrow, we went to the doctor expecting to see our little one with a HUGE heartbeat. Instead I felt the world standstill. No heartbeat. My world felt like it was coming to an end.

Saturday, a year ago, our worst fear was confirmed. No more baby.

Tuesday, a year ago, it all ended with a d&c.

I can't stop thinking about it. I really don't want to stop thinking about last year. It sounds crazy but I want to remember and honor the little bit of life we had for that split second.

Today Grumps and I cleaned the house. I put things away and sorted out all of our junk. In the process I came across the many cards given to us during that sad time. I wiped the dust off our only u/s picture. I haven't put it away. How can I? When will I be able to? I know D still has her u/s pictures on her refrigerator. It all makes me so sad.

Tomorrow we plan to go out and celebrate/mourn our little angel. I would much rather have 'her' in my arms instead.

The other night on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a dance and song that touched my soul. It was about a father and daughter meeting again in heaven after he had died. I could only think about my angel. One day I will see her again.

Time by Billy Porter

Dreams

I had a dream last night that was very disturbing. I find I do my worrying in my dreams instead of real time. Guess what I worried about last night? Being childless.

In my dream I had made friends with another couple dealing with IF. We both had just done a procedure and were waiting for our results. Of course she finds out she is pregnant. She tells me she is sad I am not and moves on. It was like she couldn't be my friend unless we both were pregnant or not pregnant together. Yes, weird.

I realized then, in my dream, I had no choice. It was either time to adopt or time to face the facts, we would remain childless.

As part of my dream I had to tell my coworkers of my decision. I guess this is where I begin stressing and worrying about the upcoming school year. We are going to have lots of changes. I am trying not to care.

I woke up from my dream saddened and disturbed. I know it was a dream. I know it isn't time to face those facts yet but they were there in my sleep. It is also strange how every time I woke up Grumps was touching me. We never touch in our sleep. Maybe he was having the same dreams. I will have to ask him when he wakes up.

Bored of Refreshing

I find myself getting WAY behind on my blog reading. I work hard to catch up and not feel overwhelmed. I know, so stupid! But when I finally catch up I am constantly refreshing everything in hopes to read something new.

Does anyone else have this problem?

So if you are bored of refreshing, take a moment to check out my shared items on the right hand side of my blog. You might have already read them in your blogroll but if not, they are great inspiring reads. I am just too lazy to give shout outs to them in person!

I will be going out of town next week. Visiting the inlaws. I am hoping my mind doesn't start thinking about what is upcoming, our m/c anniversary. We should be bringing a baby with us on this trip. SUCKS!

A Great Year HA!

I still receive adds, coupons and fliers in the mail for 'our baby'. They don't bother me any more. I have been getting them forever. It is my own stupid fault. I know we have chatted about this before. Remember me getting the box of formula on my due date?

I also continue to get babystyle emails. I can't get rid of them. I have points saved up. My little bit of hope stored down near my toenails thinks I could get pregnant and use them again.

SO today I get an email... "Thanks for a great year!" Well it wasn't that great of a year for me. Maybe for them. I am sure they had amazing business. It goes on to further kill me...

Happy anniversary as a member of babystyle Rewards!

To celebrate we're giving you 50 FREE points
toward earning money-saving perks like FREE
Shipping, FREE Gift Wrap, and FREE Gifts!

Any points you earned over the last year have expired, but
your new FREE points will give you a head start on the next
12 months.

I guess I was stupid! I lost my points. But we are celebrating the shitty year with 50 new points. Last year on this very day I was worrying about my numbers not doubling. I stepped out in faith and bought some clothes after seeing the sweet heartbeat just 2 days later.

I guess it is time to unsubscribe. STUPID STUPID STUPID!~

Yep you saw it here! 2 posts in one day!

Shout Outs!

I am late on my shout outs! I just haven't been in the mood to blog. We discussed this already.

First LJ I had a BLAST with you and D the other night! The atmosphere, food, music, but most of all the company was wonderful. I loved meeting you and hearing your story in real life. THANK YOU for letting us know about the concert.

I had a WONDERFUL time with the DC girls! It is awesome to see bloggers in real life. It is amazing how you totally can come across as you on a blog. I can't wait to meet up again. I hope more can join next time!

Finally THANK YOU for the most amazing words ever written about my angel post on the Roundup Extravaganza. The anniversary of losing our angel to heaven is coming in the next couple of weeks. Thank you for honoring it.

We are heading out of town next week. I am sure I will have to really work hard not to relive last year over and over again. We went on the same trip visiting family last year. We told them all about our pregnancy. It will be bittersweet returning without our little one or even not being pregnant. Such is life!

Summer Blogger

I am here and not dead. I have justed turned into a summer blogger. Okay usually it is the other way around. I would usually post like a crazy woman, but lately I just haven't been in the mood to blog. For me, blogging is therapy. If I turn it into, Please read my blog and comment, it ruins the purpose for me and causes me CRAZY pressure! So I have been chilling. I have a couple of posts in my head. One I actually wrote out on a receipt, drunk while camping. I feel like that desperate moment to get those thoughts down are gone now and not worth bringing them back to life. Who knows?

I have also been a busy soul. Almost every weekend I have headed off to somewhere fun. This weekend is the beach. A trip to visit my inlaws for a weeks is also coming up. My mind just hasn't been into blogging. I have been reading but not necessarily commenting.

I guess we all need a little break sometimes. Here's mine! I am sure I will get moving again. I just need to be inspired!

Here and There

I haven't been thinking about infertility and all my issues lately. Therefore, not blogging.

OKAY that is a lie. I never stop thinking about it but I have been too busy to be smart, witty or blogging. I have posts brewing in my head but nothing solid to put out. Do any of you do this?

I have been traveling here and there. I was in Kansas this past weekend. Camping this weekend with Grumps. Next weekend a wedding at the beach. My last big trip will be to the lovely inlaws in Canada. BUSY!

Yes I still think about my life and infertility and all that jazz. I watch friends be with their children and feel jealousy for a split second. I long for the love they show and receive. Then I see people who truly do not deserve children. In fact they have them taken away because they aren't fit. Grumps said to me, "How does that work? They can't take care of children and we don't have them but want them." It never makes sense.

This week Aunt Flow is late and hope rises. There is more doubt now with each late day than ever before. I am okay with that, protection. She showed today. I didn't cry or get sad. We really are not trying very hard. I give it a try once in the small little window. I can't be absorbed. I just can't during The Summer of Sunny!!! So I am toasting to AF today with good wine.

Did anyone watch Heartland on TNT this week? Part of the story dealt with infertility. Comparing physical pain with mental anguish. Makes you think. Breaks your heart. Feels good to not be alone, to be talked about on tv.

See I told you in my title this post would be full of here and there's. I am just trying hard not to think too much. Maybe it is because a year ago this week I found out I was pregnant. It haunts me. I have looked back at my posts. I think back how it felt to share the news. The phone calls, the jumps for joys, the smiles. It hurts. I have let my life slip a little bit. I was asked recently, "What has happened to you? You aren't the person I knew before." Yep I have changed. I wish it didn't happen but it did. I will never be the same.

MAN I didn't want to get heavy. I didn't want to think. Back to toasting to AF!

Breathing Air Again

by Robbie Seay Band



This song touched me deep inside. It is what I want to do. I want to breath again. I want to enjoy my life, my husband, my friends, ME!

There are days I feel like I can barely breath. I am just floating by. The other day we went to K's pool to enjoy the day. Grumps played with Little Man for hours in the water. Never complaining but laughing as if he were 3 1.2 too. I held Chunks and thought about if my angel were here they would be playmates. It was a wonderful day but I wanted to float away. I laid in the pool floating hearing only my breathing thinking about my life. I am tired of dwelling on what I don't have and enjoy what I do have.

I know I will have moments of gasping for air from time to time. A year ago I was just finding out I was pregnant. Our miscarriage date is coming up in a month. I know those days will be hard but I can't live there all the time.

I am back to my walks. Listening to uplifting music while I pray for others and will the fat away off my butt. Grumps and I have been spending more quality time together. We payed dominoes for hours the other night on our deck listening to great music, laughing, and enjoying the night. I have been spending more time with friends. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! I even called my MIL the other day. I knew she needed a little pick me up. I gave her an hour of my time. I just want to live my life like this song this summer.

I want to breath again!

The Double Whammy

I was searching the other day, out of summer boredom, who was linked to me. I love being nosy and feel loved at the same time.

I found a blog which I have never visited before (I will be adding you to my list though). Under my blog she put a description "The double whammy. Dealing with a loss and infertility". WOW is all I have to say. I have never thought of my little journey that way. I mean I think I have been doing this for forever. I had a loss which still breaks my heart. But putting the two together definitely sums it all up.

8 Things About Me

I have been tagged by sweet Jill!

The Rules are:
-Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.
-The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.
-At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. I have a slight OCD issue. I HATE having dirty hands. I don't mind germs. I work with little kids. I could careless about using hand sanitizer. BUT I hate having anything on my hands besides lotion. When I cook I rinse my hands and use a million paper towels. Dirty hands just drive me NUTS!

2. I come off as super secure and confident. Well, I hide the fact that I can be very insecure. I worry what others think of me. I kick myself in the butt after meeting someone or saying too much. I wish I could just walk away confident that I was me and who cares what was thought about me. STUPID!

3. I was a virgin when I got married. YEP! Are you shocked? I fooled around here and there but never went all the way. Grumps was a virgin too. THAT is not a shocker if you know him.

4. I am terrified of heights. Once Grumps took me on a free fall ride. I freaked out. I freaked out so bad I started to cry and cried for a while after the ride was over.

5. I have a telephone phobia. I HATE calling people. As I have gotten older I have worked on getting better. When I was younger I would work myself up into a freak attack before calling for an appointment. I would refuse pizza if I was made to make the call. At back to school night I let the parents know about my fear and explain how email works wonders. HA! Know that when I call you, you are really liked!

*This is getting hard!

6. I will watch anything on tv. I am completely addicted to television. I have to try a show at least once before writing it off. This week I tried Shaq's show for fat kids to lose weight. I TiVoed it as a joke. I LOVE the show. I found myself cheering for the kids and crying as they told their sad stories. I don't watch comedies very often but will give on a shot if it looks good. If you ever need to know about a show, give me a call especially reality tv.

7. I have been to 17 countries including the good ole USA! These are not just airport stops, that would be cheating, but actual over night trips. Many of them were trips for a month as a teenager. Most of the places are where tourists with money NEVER go. I even got to visit many of the wonders of the world. Some of the places required living out of a backpack and wearing the same underwear more than once. Even one of the places I lived for 2 years, the armpit of South America. There are many more places I hope to visit one day. I hope my list can keep growing.

8. FINALLY we are at the end! My life is an open book. I have a problem with not having secrets. I am a good keeper of other people's secrets but not my own. I will talk about anything to the point it makes others uncomfortable. I just can't help myself. Grumps hates it when I start telling stories or talk about my poop. After I have downed a few drinks it only gets worse. BUT it is me. I can't change that!

There you have it! 8 interesting or not things about me. Now it is your turn. If you haven't done this yet and shared your soul IT IS YOUR TURN!!!

Need a Good Cry?

I sure do! Watching this video gave me the release I needed. Beware, you will need a private moment while watching.



Today was Infertile Hell for me! I had a lunch date with friends. One of the girls I haven't seen in a very long time. She is pregnant. I am so happy for her but it just kills thinking about it. You know, life isn't fair and all that jazz. Well in order to deal with pregnant people I have to buy gifts. It helps me let them know even though I might not ask questions or talk about her pregnancy I do care.

While shopping for the gift I went into a kid's store that has a small book collection. First big mistake. There were strollers EVERYWHERE. I couldn't make it down any aisles because of all the children. Some were screaming, others were playing with all the toys. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. My stomach was all upset during that moment. I moved on and more strollers appeared. It was like a very bad dream. Then big pregnant bellies began to surround me. All I could think about was "I sure look cute today. What drink will I have when I get home." I truly wanted to crawl in a hole.

Lunch went well but she looked too perfect. You know the one, perfect little belly, perfect tan, perfect everything. I had a margarita to help ease the pain. She looked at it longingly. Of course I gave my ten cents on stores to shop and online websites. Yep STUPID ME. Everyone looked at me with sad eyes. I know too much for not having children.

It was a good time with everyone but I was looking forward to home. My eyes became misty as I drove home. I couldn't stop seeing her little belly in my head. How she touched it and talked about the day they will find out if it is a girl or boy. I will be okay but the day really was just as bad as a baby shower.

Then I read a blog and find the song. It really touched my heart. I am not alone. I felt like it today but I know I am not. I hope it gave you a good cry. Sometimes we just need it!

Dump Cake

I am hearing requests for the recipe. I would LOVE to share my secret day in the dumps cake!

Here are the ingredients:

Remember you can change up the fruit. I have heard of using blueberry pie filling and pineapple. Apple pie filling and cherries. You can dump what you like! I love cherries and pineapple because of the tart taste.

Add the fruit into a pan (I can't remember the size. HA! Not the big 9 x 12 or whatever and not a 8x8. You want to have it a little deep but not too deep because the butter will kill you if it isn't spread out a bit.) Then add the cake mix evenly. Melt two sticks of butter and pour on top. Some people cut it up and lay it on top. I like it melted so that it soaks in more easily.

Heat at:


Until it is nice and golden brown. It usually takes 30ish minutes. My hint is when I can start to smell it!!!

There you have it, Dump Cake!!!! I like to eat my at room temperature. Grumps likes his HOT! Adding ice cream is a winner too!


Let me know when you make it and you need a friend to dump with!!! I'll bring the wine!

*Edited to say that one stick of butter equals a half a cup. SO 2 sticks of butter equals one cup for my metric friends!

Let's Celebrate

Today is Cake Day in honor of Mel the Town Crier. Her blog has turned a year old.

If you have never been to Mel's blog OH WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!! She is totally amazing. Her ideas have changed the infertility blog world forever. I am so thankful for all she does to help make this stupid journey as fun as it can be! CHEERS to Mel!!!

I didn't make the traditional cake with yummy frosting. Instead I made my usual. It is the cake that has stuck by my side in the good and really bad times. You know my life SUCKS when I make this cake. BUT today it doesn't suck. I just had to honor my trusty cake friend as well.

DUMP CAKE!!!!


I have already had a bowl and plan to share some with my Hannah's Hope group tonight.

My Summer Goals

Now that I am back from Tampa helping my mom with my 9 month old nephew (another post for another day) my summer vacation can officially begin. I have spent most of my day in bed reading 100's of blogs, trying to get my commentathon pledge in, and watching my Netflix movies and TiVo.

Each summer I make a mental list of what I want to accomplish. Last summer everything changed when I found out I was pregnant. My list went to pot. Then of course the miscarriage at the very end of the summer. I felt very jilted. I wanted my summer back. SOOOO this summer I am going to do just that. I want to enjoy every stinking minute to help make up for last year. Of course Grumps has plans of his own. I will try to work them in but he knows summer is MY TIME!

Here is my very small list so far. I am sure I will add more. I will work hard to accomplish this list as well.

* Learn to drink beer! Yep, you heard it right. I want to learn to drink beer. There is a beer festival coming to town right down the road from me. I want to attend and so does Grumps. It won't be fun if I don't drink the beer. I think this is doable. I taught myself how to drink wine, with the help of many friends, why not beer. So if you have any suggestions on beer I will like or any tricks to get it down, please let me know! This will not be a dry summer! I will have a dry fall when I start my next IUI.

* Clean out the closets. YEP not a fun one on the list. This was on the list last summer. It never happened. Our guest closets and linen closet are full of crap. I am embarrassed when we have guests come and there is no room for their things. I hope to accomplish this soon so it doesn't hang over my head all summer.

* Get a kicking tan at K's pool! No explanation needed there!

* Go on short little trips with friends. I say this every summer and it doesn't happen BUT why not put it on the list again and hope for the best. Wait, I can't say it never happens. The trips with D just don't happen. HA! *edited to say I meant our little summer trips we say we will take like to the beach or a winery. *

* Meet up with the VA/DC/MD bloggers. I have missed both times. NOT NEXT TIME! At least I hope not next time.

* Read a couple of books. I have a HUGE pile of books beside my bed. Many are borrowed. I love to read but TiVo and my laptop usually take presidence. When I find out how to read and play on the internet at the same time I will let you all know.

* Start back on my walks. It got cold with snow. I got Mono. The walking stopped. Now I have a nice chunk chunk that needs to go bye-bye. Grumps told me that I should take the dog for a walk today. Yep, there's a hint.

* RELAX!

I know my list isn't amazing. Nothing really thought provoking. I just want to have a good time this summer without regrets!

Side note! My cake for Mel's Cake Day is in the oven and smelling YUMMY!!! Those who know me well know exactly what cake I am baking! My cake post will come soon!

My Brain and the Thoughts that Come Out of It!

It is late! I should be in bed but I just can't stop! Grumps is gone this week for work. I am heading out to Tampa tomorrow.

WOW TAMPA is all I keep hearing. WOW THE BEACH! Ummmm nope I am going to help my mom take care of my little nephew. Yep the little one born right after my miscarriage. I love the little booger but I want my own little one. I am trying to be strong this week. I hope he is just a pain so I will feel better about it all. This is not the way I wanted to start my summer vacation.

I called my dad on Father's Day. YES I was a good daughter. On Mother's Day I just sent my mom a text message. She did get a card and gift but I just couldn't make the call. My dad chatted my head off. He said he might show up later in the week to 'help' with the little man. He said he wanted to see me but also really wanted to see his new and only grandson. He goes on and on about the brag book my mom bought him. He was just in love with sharing his pictures. I teared up and really wanted to say, "SHUT UP! Don't you realize I am sad?" Instead I said, "How sweet!" And then made funny faces to Grumps!

Preggos are popping up everywhere! Baby talk is all around me. I am holding strong!

D is thinking of a dry summer! I told Grumps about it. Guess what he said? "You should try that too!" WHATEVER! It is my summer to have fun. If I want to drink I will drink because I CAN DRINK!!!! He needs to just shut up or become a woman in my shoes. HA!

Schools out for SUMMER! But all I can think about is next year. Yep that is what happens to teachers. We never stop thinking about work. It just doesn't go away.

I need to go finish packing, take a shower (I STINK!) and go to bed. If I am not around much you know where I am. WORKING ON MY TAN!

*Sorry for the all caps words! I am tired and can't help being dramatic!

Posts that Hit Home

I am not sure many have seen this recent addition to my blog, Posts that Hit Home. It is located on my sidebar towards the bottom.

Google Reader has a function where you can share the posts onto your blog. I LOVE THIS!~ There have been many times I have read a post that has just touched my heart. I am too lazy to blog about it so now I can just click, share, and there it is.

If you want a good read, take a peak at some great posts!

Comments

I love reading blogs. I love commenting on them. I LOVE receiving comments. But I don't want it to stop there. I want to thank you for the comments. Answer your questions. Send out a shout out. BUT there is a problem. I hate commenting a reply to my comment onto your blog. I would rather hit reply and send a quick note to your email.

I know, a selfish request but really it makes it so much easier to check on others and see how you are doing when you aren't blogging.

So here is the deal, if you don't have an email attached to your blog get one. I have a million email accounts. One is for my personal email with Grumps. Then I have an email for adds and whatever. Of course I have a work email and a couple others for no reason at all. Yes, it seems I have an email problem. Finally I have my blog email, gracehopeandfaithatgmaildotcom.

If you need an invite for gmail just let me know and I will send you one. I just love the little emails back and forth that can happen if you had a blog email address.

D I LOVE YOU!

Thanks for the phone call!

Having drinks and laughing it up while being FAT was the best night ever.

AF always sucks so toasting to her makes it MUCH better.

I LOVE YOU!

Full of my new favorite word!

I am done! DONE WITH IT ALL! I don't want pity I just have to yell

I AM DONE! DONE WITH HOPE! DONE WITH IT ALL!

Today is day 30 of my cycle. Ladies I NEVER go that long. Okay there have been a couple of months. So I wasn't going to test but I couldn't help myself. I was full of hope. All month I haven't even thought about being pregnant. I barely tried. I would check my chart once in a blue moon and then move on. NO HOPE! I just didn't care. I am trying to enjoy where I am.

BUT it all started yesterday. I was expecting my cycle to start. NOPE it didn't happen. I was shocked. I went to bed thinking about being pregnant. Thinking, WOW it would be a miracle. It must be all the dang vitamins and what not that I am on. It must be doing the deed twice in one day. That just doesn't happen. I try to stay grounded but I wake up early consumed by it. AF still isn't here. I even got like 5 emails in the past couple of weeks telling friends to pray for me or whatever. I thought, "It must be for my baby." NOPE it must be for me getting the freaking B**ch!

I go to a 1 year birthday party FULL OF HOPE! I am even wearing the necklace. I had checked when I would be due before I left the house. I had sworn to never do that again. I am so full of hope by the time that I leave the party, I stop and buy I f'ing test!

Big FREAKING FAT NEGATIVE!

I AM DONE!

I will not even mark on my chart when AF shows anymore. I will mark it down somewhere to remember the date but no more counting days or weeks. This summer is about me. I will enjoy my freedom and life to the max. Screw trying to get pregnant. I am over it this month!

Can you tell I am so done with all this sh*t? There, I said it! My favorite word!

Just Give it Time

Here is the song from my "Trying Hard" moment. It all has to get better, no matter how it ends. There has to be an ending. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Just Give it Time by JON MCLAUGHLIN
still waters and heavy hearts,
and plans we made all fell apart,
disillusioned and lost in the grace
and how can we fix the heart when it breaks,
you don't know how much more you can take,

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright just give it time, give it time

quiet landslide that nobody knows,
regretted decisions that nobody chose,
under water, sinking fast
and no way out, no way to get back
what might have been is lost in the past

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright
just give it time

(and the web your in?)
and still you give
it all fades out,
you reached the end
your giving in now, now

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright, everything is gonna be alright
just give it time, yea time

*Okay it is super late. I am going to kick myself in the morning for staying up so late searching for a stupid audio/video clip of this song. Oh well... I give up! Enjoy the words!

Book Tour #4 Waiting for Daisy

To be very honest, I never got to finish the book. I know, I am a bad book club member. I don't know what I was thinking signing up at the very end of the school year. BUT I did read and skim through most of the book. It was interesting reading the journey of Peggy Orenstein. Our journeys are different but infertility is the bottom line. Here are my thoughts on some of the questions given.

I was really touched by the visit to the Jizo garden for Peggy to honor the baby she lost. What ritual helped you in the healing process after you experienced a loss?

This may sound crazy but right after my miscarriage the major part of my healing process was taking baths with 'crying' music. I needed an outlet to cry and grieve in private. I was so hurt and wasn't sure anyone could understand. I didn't want to be seen crying. I would weep in my bath.

I then began to take early morning walks to cry out before God or just flat out cry and be angry before I went to work. It was the only way I could get myself in the right frame of mind to be 'normal' at work. As the weeks went on I was able to turn that energy towards praying for all of my pregnant friends. It was like I was able to let go.

Finally I would talk to my little angel. I would talk to others who were going through it. I didn't want to just think, "Well I was pregnant once." I wanted to remember my little one and how I felt while I carried 'her'. I also would repeat the due date over and over again in my mind so that I would never forget 'her' day.

So my rituals were very different than Peggy's. I had all these grand plans of lighting candles or what not but I could only do what came natural to me. Ways of surviving.

Peggy Orenstein says, 'The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint; IUI was hardly more complex than a turkey baster. You're not aware of how subtly alienated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its 'achievement'." Does this accurately describe your experience? Would you say you have become alienated from your body while struggling with infertility?

I don't see my journey like the way Peggy described it. I poured myself into researching and finding answers to my questions. I studied procedures, tests and medications. I wanted to be very aware of what would happen, what was happening, and what would happen in the end. I would visualize everything as it was taking place. It has never felt quaint. In fact, it has felt haunting. Almost as if I am standing over myself watching at times.

Now I do agree with Peggy about the distortion that takes place. I don't know how it can be any different if you have been on this long for a long time. You forget what you are doing. You just do what you have to do to receive your goal. I have tried to remind myself why I am here and doing all of these crazy things but after awhile it just becomes routine.

On p. 233, Orenstein describes what infertility cost her: "Becoming a parent can't give me back the time ... obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for trashing my marriage." How is your experience with infertility and the toll it has taken on your life similar or different from Orenstein's?

I am not at the end of my journey. I don't know how I will be when I finally do end it with or without a child. BUT I do know that I will not let it ruin me or create bitterness. When I hear words like torment or trashing I think bitterness. I have to look at the time I have been on this journey as a growing period. I am tired of growing but yet I am still changing for the better. It has tested friendships and love. But part of purifying and growth is all about testing. Testing hurts. Because of my journey I can put myself into other's shoes and try to understand better where they are and where they have come from. Without my hardships I couldn't truly be compassionate and understand. YES I would much rather have a little one in my arms right now but truly I am thankful for what I have learned and gained. I never want to look back on this time as a loss.

Now that you read my thoughts on the book ... Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

Trying Hard

I am trying very hard this morning to paste a smile on my face.

I am trying hard not to be bitter.

I am very hard not to say, "Why not me?"

I want to be happy for others. I am trying to do this~!

Trying to see the brighter side.

Trying to understand.

BOY is it ever hard!

Of course I asked for this announcement. I didn't want to hear about it face to face. I asked for her to test. I wanted to just get it over with. I was hoping for good things but yet hoping I got it first. The odds were stacked up against her. She is over weight and older. So is her husband. She has only been trying for a VERY short time. I am so glad she didn't have to go through the pain of it all. But why not me?

Okay I slipped. I guess I am not trying hard enough. Thank God I haven't cried yet. Thank God I checked my work email before I left the house. Thank God I have a long commute to try to be composed before I had to see her this morning.

I heard a song on my ride in this morning that will help me fake it through the day. Of course I can't find it now that I need it!

*Please don't think I am not happy for you. I truly am. It is just bittersweet. There is nothing that can change it!