Google Calendar

Google Calendar is my brain. I have so many dates to keep up with that it drives me nuts. I need to type my appointments in and get my little morning notice. Something to stick in my head throughout my day.

Well the other day I went to add all my March dates and guess what? March 20th showed up with .... Birthday?!!!

Boy was I stupid to put that in my calendar! My heart dropped and I quickly erased it. I would have died to have that little morning notice on the 20th.

How could I forget that day?

Held

I need to be held tonight. I need to be held tight. I feel like I am unraveling. It just all hit me. Well maybe not. It has been slowly coming. The heaviness that sits on your chest. The feeling that you can't breathe.

I just need a moment for me. I need to go through my short little pile of memories from this summer. I need to look at the 'baby' picture and touch 'her' things. I need to just be.

I don't want to get here again. I don't want to sink low and not be able to get back out of the pits of despair. I have been so good. I have stayed high. PLEASE don't let me fall!

I hope this feeling lightens soon. I don't think I can hold on like this treading water and putting on my mask until April. I hope it is just a 'tonight' thing. The long days, the to do's and dates, the wine, the stress, the pms, Grumps.

I just need to be held tight tonight. Not by any flesh arms but supernatural arms. God's arms. I need to be held tight!

Hold me Jesus
by Rich Mullins

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Does Anyone Need...

Any diapers, Huggies or Pampers?

OR do you need some baby formula?

All of those things came in the mail to me this week. I guess they think a baby is coming to my house soon. They were misinformed!

The Results are in

And all of our tests came out fine. Yippee skippy! No I am glad that Grumps 'friends' work just fine. My insides look pretty from a distance and my blood is healthy.

The RE pulled out a piece of paper to do his 'thinking' on. He likes to brainstorm on paper and then give you his brainstorm thoughts. It makes me giggle inside. He made a nice little time line for this up coming cycle.

We are on for an IUI! It all begins next week with my injections class. Next I will call on day 1, in about 2 weeks. Then do the nice day 3 u/s. Start Clomid and fsh injections and have more u/s. Then onto the IUI. I am pretty sure it will be the last week of March. We will get to enjoy part of the 2ww in Jamaica. Grumps of course would like to wait a month so that I don't ruin my chances by drinking. WHATEVER! Even my nurse said that it would be totally fine.

It feels good to have a plan.

Pocked and Proded

I was poked to day for my first time. Not poked by fingers or by shots. I was poked by very tiny needles.

YEP I had my first accupuncture moment. Of course I cried talking about why I was there. I HATE THAT!~ I can talk about it on my own terms. But when you start asking me questions and I am not in charge I just can't hold myself together.

During the entire experience all I could think about was, I didn't shave my legs. I totally forgot or just didn't think about the need too. As he is putting the first need into my foot and then my leg I could have just kicked myself. Normal Sunny on a normal day would have said, "Excuse the hairy legs." But today I felt super vulnerable.

Needles went into my feet, legs, hands, arms, belly, ears, and head. I 'relaxed' in the very cold room for 15 minutes. Of course I hoped to get up and feel like a completely different person. Not exactly. The spots where the needles were tingled. It was getting late and I was ready for happy hour with D.

I go again next week. It really wasn't bad and didn't hurt at all. I am sure I looked like a pin cushion though.

Tomorrow is our RE appointment to talk test results and a plan of action.

Please STOP ME!!!

I have been doing so well with my eating and losing and looking good. The ice and snow hit and it all turned to crap. I tried to pull it together but stress is hitting in and a very small bit of worry is setting in.

I see chocolate and I have to have a bite. Cookies are getting devored. I HATE GIRL SCOUTS!!! The Samoas are going to kill me.

I CAN'T STOP!!!

My body was supposed to be just AMAZING for Jamaica in 4 weeks. Ummmm at the rate I am going I will double me by then.

I think I need to start therapy!

Keep Holding On

To all my friends who are walking this journey with me. No matter if our journey is the same our not know that we will make it through together!

I guess all of this testing has got me feeling cheesy.

Song Codes

"Keep Holding On"
by Avril Lavigne

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

My V is closed for Repairs

I has been seen and touched WAY too much lately. Stink, I told Grumps that we would get it on tonight. Maybe he will be too tired. HA!

First I had a moment with the lovely condom covered wand. All was fine and dandy and went very fast! I did feel like a science project or some test subject looking for gold.

Next was my lovely pap. I have been bad. I haven't had a pap in 3 years. With all the other testing, probbing, touching going on down there I didn't feel it was necessary to add that in. I know, I am a bad example. Really and truly the worse part for me is the boobie exam. I HATE that part! They haven't been touched by a stranger while I was awake (who knows what they do to you when you are under and on the table) in 3 years.

My doctor had a 'shadow intern' with him. Of course they asked if she could join in on the fun. "WHO CARES!" is what I said. Truly at that point, naked but under paper, sweating like a pig, legs spread wide open, let's let them all have a looksie and touchy moment with my V! It was a little awkard when the intern was between my legs, my doc was trying hard to get the lighting right for her while peering over her shoulder and the nurse was watching on the sidelines. I felt left out being the only one who didn't get to look and wear gloves. The only good part was that my doctor bragged and got all excited about my lap pictures to show to the intern. I will be famous someday, they are that pretty!

Finally the best moment all week, my HSG! I was calm and collected. I went alone BUT MANY people offered to take me. I felt like I could handle it since I did it once before alone being a newbie in it all. (This would be hsg #3 for me.) I took a nice 800mg pill of ibprophin from my m/c. It sure made me loopy, I had no idea. I was so out of it I told them the wrong date for my first day of my last period. They thought I was on day 13. OOPS!

I hopped up on the table with the big diaper. No stirrups here. I told them that they really were important. Instead the old lady doctor pulled me down on the table until I almost fell off. She was a little harsh with the nurse and intern. It must be my lucky week. AND ME! The tube was pushed in. Yep, I felt it. Then it was PUSHED in even more with major force since she was perplexed why it wouldn't go up easily. Beats me but I wished for a gentiler push. The balloon was blown up, I had to hold my breath. The dye was shot in at a very slow pace. I thought I was going to die or scream STOP at the top of my lungs. MAN IT HURT! It got to a point that I could care less if my tubes were clear or not. I just wanted the pain to go quickly.

The results all is fine with my tubes and all that jazz. I knew that it would be. We just needed to prove it to the good ole RE. I ended the afternoon with drinks and girl time with T. Then back to the house for a heating pad, more 800mg and an evening nap.

I really think I should take back my offer from Grumps. MAN but guess what, O time is coming!

Out of all your tests you have had, which one was your favorite? Come on, I want to hear your story!

Self Torture

Why do I do it?

Why do I read pregnant blogs daily? I mean I really should just read them weekly, but daily is true torture.

Why do I read and comment on the boards at all? I try to help because I have been on this road for so long but once again it is torture. The questions are so new and hopeful. I don't want to bust any bubbles but I do want to ground the newbies sometimes.

Why do I do I look at pregnant bellies, especially those who are near my due date? KILLS ME!!!

One thing I don't do is look through all the baby/parenting/pregnancy/congratulations magazines/flyers/postcards that I get in the mail daily. I look at them for a totally of 10 seconds and do a little snicker/laugh and TRASH them!

What things do you do that are pure torture? Things you know you shouldn't do but it is like a trainwreck, you just can't look away.

Trying to ...

get in the mood to blog.

I have 'written' a few posts in my head but can't remember them to get them out on my computer. Usually I can remember and spit them out. Not lately.

My mind has been clouded with dates.

FSH and u/s RESULTS NORMAL

Grumps s/a RESULTS PENDING

Annual (3 years late) PAP TODAY

DREADFUL HSG tomorrow

First Hannah's Hope Monday night

RE followup next Friday

As you can see I am full of dates. D who helps me 'celebrate' these things is out of town. So I have had to treat myself to wine, bad but yummy foods, and treats. I found out today I have lost 5 lbs since my last doctor's visit BUT I know that it would have been more if I hadn't taken my stresses out on food this past week.

I have a feeling that someone close to me will have a bfp soon. I have no idea who but I can feel it in bones. I know so silly but does anyone else get those feelings or am I an infertile freak?

Labeling

I switched to Beta Blogger the other day. It thought, "Hey let's do labels." Now I am not sure I like them. I still have a few more to label but am rethinking it.

What do you guys think? Keep them or get rid of them?

Aunt Flow says...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

She came just in time to celebrate us! I really don't mind that she is here. Now when spot showed up and stayed for awhile I knew she was on her way. There was a second where I thought just maybe pregnant I was pregnant. Ummm NOPE! I had a little moment and then moved on.

Now the testing begins. Tomorrow morning, EARLY is my Day 3 bloodwork. Next week I have my lovely PAP on Thursday. Friday I have my 3rd HSG. I am taking the day off for that one since it is scheduled for right in the middle of the day. Grumps has his jerky lerky on Tuesday. SO it will be a fun week for our household!

My present for V'day is a day off work! It iced last night! I am enjoying my day in bed with my new heart pjs!!!

The Day Is Coming

March 20th will be here so soon. Seeing K and her belly and hearing her say only 6 weeks to go, WOW I was trying to forget.

I started thinking about to the day I got my BFP. I thought I never would see that day. The emotions were crazy. I was on cloud nine with butterflies to beat all butterflies. I couldn't stop running and jumping through my house. I wanted to tell the world but also wanted to hold the news close to my heart.

Some days that day feels like a dream that I made up in my little infertile world.

Just like that amazing day I will never forget week 6 when my numbers weren't doubling. I thought we were losing our little angel to heaven. I cried like I have never cried before. Tears shook my body down to the very core of my being. I wanted to die. When I saw my little one's heart beating life filled me with hope again.

Then there was the day when there wasn't a heartbeat. I couldn't cry. The world stood still. I felt like I was drowning.

I wonder what March 20th will be. How will I remember that day? How will it mark my life?

Thoughts in My Head

I have been having all these thoughts in my head lately. Thoughts that have me so confused.

Right before 2007 began I prayed that God would either take away my desire for children and give me peace or give me a child. Since that prayer I have had amazing peace. I still have moments of sadness but not very often. I think about my situation daily but not every minute.

I love my life that Grumps and I have. We have been married for almost 9 years. We have been trying for our child for 4 years this month. My crazy thoughts have been should we continue to try so hard or just let it rest. Is this God letting me know that this is our life, the way it should be? I know I can hear all of you saying that we need to keep trying. You all know that we are to have a child. But I am just not sure any more.

I know that Grumps would be fine without having children. I also know that he would love it too. I know that if I told him my feelings he would tell me that I would kick myself in the long run if we didn't try harder.

Last weekend we were being silly and dancing in the kitchen. I asked Grumps if he would still love me if we never had children. Of course he said that he would. I just needed to ask him.

I wish I could see a little bit of our future to know just what to do.

Searching

I was playing around tonight searching for my blog on the internet. It wasn't too long ago that I didn't have many links. Okay I still really don't compared to the big bloggers. But I did find this beautiful post. I had no idea that someone blogged about me. It moved me to tears.

She was blogging about the 4 top blog moments of the week of November 3rd. I was one of them.

And ending with a beautiful post about loss...My Journey Towards My Little Miracle has two posts this week about the aftermath. I was holding my breath towards the end: "the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life. The look on my doctors face. Feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone." And smiled through the earlier memories of "the day I began to crave sweets again. When I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired." I'm so sorry, Sunny. These were gorgeous posts. I wish you were pulling out maternity clothes too.

WOW reliving those few moments took my breath away and brought the tears that have been gone for so long.

The Wait Continues

I haven't been up much for blogging. No real good reason. Just nothing has come to my mind that is worth blogging about.

I had my appointment on Monday. It all went well. The doctor was very nice and quick about everything. He made sketches and a nice timeline. He even gave us his email address for any further questions that we might have. We talked to our nurse who gave us way too many papers with dates and to dos. I am so glad I knew a lot going in or I would have been even more lost.

So the wait continues. They want to do most of the testing again since my miscarriage and time could have changed things. I am okay with it all. At least the testing will take place in a 2 week period instead of a year.

Day 1 of my cycle I call.

Day 3 I go in for blood work to check levels.

Between day 5 and 10 I will have another HSG. YEAH my favorite.

I will also have an ultrasound to check out things and follicles and all that jazz.

So I am waiting for AF to arrive. I would really love it if she never showed. I am not holding my breath. Especially after talking to the doctor about % of getting pregnant naturally or with an IUI.

While at the office I read that children are not allowed to attend. I LOVED THAT! I also loved that the magazines were not all parenting magazines. I felt taken care of. I pointed it out to Grumps. It made him do some thinking. He asked me if every time I see a baby, child or belly do I think about not having one of my own? I told him YES but that I have gotten better. I used to tear up. I used to get really sad. Now I just think about it for a second. He was so shocked and a little sad. He finally got it. He finally understood for a split second what it must be like to live in my head.

Now I need to call my OB/GYN to up my pap appointment. I would hate to have to wait even longer for our first IUI if my pap isn't up to date.

Hannah's Hope

I have recently decided to start a small/support group for those women dealing with infertility and miscarriages. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to. I have prayed about it for a very long time. The thought and desire never left. I asked others what they thought and they all felt like it would be perfect. The need is great in our church.

I went to leadership training.

I came up with a name. It isn't the first group by this name but it felt right. Hannah's Hope. Hannah prayed to God for a child for many years. She told God that when He gave her a child she would give her child back to Him. God granted her desire and in turn she gave her son, Samuel, to Eli to serve God. Therefore we are all like Hannah, hoping for our miracle.

Information was placed on the church website.

Today it was featured on the front of the church bulletin.

Now I wait. I wait for women to contact me. I plan to also advertise at a few places including my doctor's office.

I am in a good place and have a wonderful support system but I know of many women who do not. I also know what it is like to be on this sad journey alone. Being alone isn't a place to be when dealing with infertility or miscarriages.

Opening

of the envelope took place!

I didn't want to. It wasn't because I was being nosy. (But I did have a glass of wine at my side.) I needed to see if it had some of my tests in it. No answers there.

I didn't really learn anything new. A lot of my files were left out. I guess my doctor didn't find them important. All of my previous testing and Grumps as well were not included. I guess since we did get pregnant none of that was super important.

My pictures were there of my lovely insides. I have seen them many times. A toxic waste dump without adhesions and scar tissue. My doctor is still shocked by that.

My old charting charts were there. I will bring my recent months along.

The pathology reports and my visit notes.

The detailed report of my lap. There I found something I have always wondered but was afraid to ask.

I told the stage of my endometriosis. I always guessed what I thought it would be. I also hoped what I wanted it to be. I teared up when I saw what it really was.

Stage IV Endometriosis

I am very blessed to have gotten pregnant at all. I am also blessed that my girl parts work. But hearing stage IV makes my heart sink a little.

I filled out all the paper work the best that I could. I don't know Grumps sperm results. I don't know all the blood tests that were done. I am sure he can figure out what was done to both of us. The big thing is the endo.

Grumps favorite question to torment me with is: if you drink, how much do you consume per week/day? I said once a day. (okay it might be a little more or less depending on the day) Grumps was twice a week. He called me an alcoholic. I told him to live in my shoes for a day. He has no place to judge.

Tomorrow morning is the big moment. I am sure I know what he will say. I still need to make my little list of talking points. I am sure Grumps will be of no help. He is only going because I know that they will want to talk to him.

I will report back with the bigger game plan.

Insightful Advice

I love how people hear pregnant or babies and assume it is you.

Today a teacher friend and I were talking about next year. I said that if I were pregnant I would be due in October. I said I were pregnant with twins I would take the year off. As I was saying all of this the librarian in came in putting an arm around me asking if I was. HA! I actually laughed. I said, "NOPE! It would be a miracle! I have tried for 4 years."

Here we go! I love advice! I love that I have tried for the past 4 years and don't know poop!

The lady said, "I have a friend who tried for 14 years. She didn't do any treatments and now has 4 kids. I told her husband that he needed to wear boxers and they now have 4 kids."

I laughed and said, "That would be nice but the doctor said that my insides look like a toxic waste dump."

I laughed again and she patted my back and said, "I am so sorry."

I laughed even harder in my head. MAN if I had only known about the boxer shorts!

I still haven't looked at my envelope. BUT I bet it will happen soon! D and I were going to check it out but we partook of too much wine!!!

About the Envelope

Okay first I haven't opened it! It is still there.

Second I totally want to read about my body and all that stuff. I love science, medical stuff (like the word stuff!) and know everything I can about myself. The problem is I don't want to read about my miscarriage. I don't want to know anything else about it. I seriously doubt that they have anything about the sex or that kind of stuff BUT what if they do?

THAT is my problem with the files in the envelope.

I seriously need to find a better word than stuff. I can't believe I sued it 4 times in a very small paragraph!!! I promise I am a better writer than that!

*anonymous ummm I am not sure I get your advice. If it were that simple I would have had MANY children by now . Trust me, I have tried it all! Those of you on this road totally know what I am talking about. But thanks for trying to help!

The Envelope

My doctor told me to give him a call when I got my RE appointment scheduled. He wanted to send me off with some of my files and the lovely pictures of my insides that he cherishes so much. I had to promise to return them. He deserves to keep them for all the work he has done for me.

Of course when I called to ask if my files were ready I got a HUGE, "HEY SUNNY!" When I went into the office I got big smiles and hugs. We talked and joked and hoped that I would return soon with good news.

All the way home I thought about that envelope. I wanted to open it and take a little look at all those notes my doctors keep. All the reports and charts. I didn't open it.

Right now it is sitting on my kitchen table with the file that needs to be filled out for my new RE. My name is on the envelope. It is sealed with tape. I know that the seal isn't to keep me out. I know that I have all the right in the world to open it and read. But I don't.

I won't.

I can't.

I know what it all says. I know what my body has turned into. I know what the doctors have told me. I know that they don't lie or distort the facts. BUT what if there is something that I didn't know. What if there is more to my miscarriage. More little details that were 'forgotten'.

I know I am totally crazy. I know I should just take a look but I can't. Man that envelope is going to haunt me in my sleep for another week!

Thoughts

Today in my classroom one of my sweet second graders came up to me and asked me why I don't have any children.

I told her, "I am waiting for God to give them to me."

She asked me how old the other teacher I work with was.

I said, "30."

She said the other teacher is pregnant.

I said, "yes."

She then asked how old I was.

I said, "31."

She was silent after that. I am sure her mind was wondering why I wasn't and the other teacher was when I am the older one.

You gotta love being a teacher with honest children.

Also today I talked with a teacher who dealt with infertility 15 years ago. She told me her story and then told me how she couldn't remember all that she did to get pregnant. She said that I will one day forget all of this.

Ummmmm I don't think that is possible. I am sure it won't feel or hurt the same way but I will never forget this journey.

How could she have forgotten if she did IVF or not? Seriously!

Grace

By Michael W. Smith

I was lost when ya found me here
You pulled me close and held me near
And I'm a fool but still you love
I'll be your fool for the king of love

He gave me wings so I could fly
And gave me a song to color the sky
And all I have is all from you
And all I want is all of you

It's grace, grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me

And there've been days when I've walked away
Too much to carry
Nothing left to say
Forgive me Lord when I'm weak and lost
You traded heaven for a wooden cross

And all these years you've carried me
You've been my eyes when I could not see
And beauty grows in the driving rain
Your ode of gladness in the times of pain

It's grace, your grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Your grace, your grace
I'm nothing without you
Grace, your grace
Shines on me oh yeah
Shines on me
Shines on me
I'm everything with you
Shines on me
Shines on me
It's your grace
Shines on me
Your grace
Oh
Your grace it shines on me
Your grace
Your grace
Shines on me
Shines on me
Your grace it shines on me
Your grace

I thank God for His continued Amazing Grace!

Family

That word has really been rolling around in my head a lot lately.

What does it mean to an infertile?

What makes a family?

Does a family involve children?

Are Grumps, Itsy and I a family?

At church Christmas Eve the pastor said, "Go home to your family and remind your children about the real reason for Christmas." I know he wasn't thinking when he said those words. I know he didn't think, there are many here who do not have children. But he said those words. I began to cry. I couldn't' t go home and tell my children about the real reason for Christmas. The words that were meant to up life and encourage cut like a knife.

I hope I can call my little life and household a family. It just doesn't seem to fit.

The Beginning of a Game Plan

I did it! I went to my doctor. When I got there everyone gave me big hugs and told me how much they missed me. I told them the same. I was there so often that I made friends with everyone.

I was prepared for an exam from the doctor but nope! We just talked. I gave him my charts. I told him how the past few cycles have been slightly different. I shared how I was afraid that my endo was returning. I looked through it and including my file and endo pictures. His only thought was doing another lap to see if and how much my endometriosis had returned.

I asked about IUI's. Would they work with me? Was it even an option? He told me that it was worth a try but he felt like I needed a specialist now. So he referred me to one of the many places around here. I will bring a copy of my file and borrow my endometriosis pictures and share my story with a new doctor. We scheduled a pap in March so we can talk about what my new plan will be.

I was excited leaving there but nervous that it would take months to get an appointment. I called yesterday. JANUARY 29th!!!!! Grumps and I will sit and talk and hopefully get an even better game plan together. IUIs? or maybe a lap first? I am not sure but the plan is now in action. My clock is seriously ticking!!!!

My Mom

I have talked about my mom before. I have told you how she can be completely insensitive to my feelings and what we are going through.

Her compassion level for me is like ZERO. She ignores the issues that we have. Only once in a blue moon will she surprise me with true compassion. I will get a card that is meant to encourage. She will call to see how my day is. I might get a little magnet or angel or something to brighten my day. BUT things are never talked about. When I have needed caring words or a listening ear I didn't turn to my mom. I wish I could.

I have many friends who have such an amazing relationship with their moms. I want that. I have always wanted that. Now if you met my mom you would think she would be the best mom ever. She is to others. She will hold a friend's hand as they are going through a very hard time. She will sit with them and listen as they cry. To me, she ignores or gives me advice that really hurts.

I LOVE MY MOM but sometimes I wish she just understood. But she never can. My mom got married very young. She divorced a year later never having children from that abusive relationship. She married again a year later to my dad. I was born 4 days before their first anniversary. OOPS big time. My brother was planned 4 years later. My little sister came 10 years later by accident. My mom always regretted having us so early by accident. She continued to tell me how blessed I was when I didn't get pregnant right away. She can NEVER understand where I am on this journey. She would love for me to have kids but she can't understand the pain the journey has caused. How can she?

I got an email from my mom on Friday. It was nice and long. My mom NEVER sends long emails. I could tell she had worked long and hard on this email. I smiled as I read. Then I got to almost the end. This is what it said:

I got a new mag. for Christmas from a friend. a Christian mag. In it was a story about a girl who had suffered from a miscarriage. It was so good. It really opened my eyes to what you have gone thru. Not really realizing everything. I am going to send it to you. I am sorry for being insensitive to you................I just really didn't understand everything. But after reading her story it really opened my eyes to so much. The blessed assurance is that when we get to heaven our little baby is going to be waiting on us...............

I was FLOORED! It was huge that she apologized. My mom doesn't ever do that. I haven't responded yet. I think I will do that right now. I just needed some time to process it all. I know that my mom will continue to be insensitive but I have this email to remind me that at one time she realized her mistake.

She ended her email with: I love you and are proud of you. Continue to always be a blessing and to bless everyone around you.

I have let those words sing in my head over and over again. She is proud of me!

Philippains 4:8

I got a new Bible for Christmas. It feels so good in my hands. I actually couldn't wait to open it and read.

I haven't been very faithful reading my Bible. I have really grown in my prayer life but have left off the devotion part. I decided that I needed a change. I picked up my Battlefield of the Mind Devotional by Joyce Meyer and opened Job and began to read.

In my last post I talked about either getting a baby this year or finding peace in my life. Guess what? When began my first devotional this is the scripture I read:

"Whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things (fix your minds on them).

Do you ever think about what you are thinking about? If you are not careful, your thought life can lead you into problems. It is important to think before you act, and if you concentrate on things that are true, worthy of reverence and honorable, just, pure, lovely, kind and gracious, virtuous, and excellence, your actions will reflect God's character and heart.

I have heard that scripture a million times. In fact I had read it a few months ago and was convicted by it but never put it into practice. Since reading this verse and devotion I have changed. I used to think about not being pregnant a million times a day. It would cause great sadness. I would quickly spiral into a blue day. But now I push those thoughts away. I think all the other great things in my life. I don't let my mind stay on the sad thoughts. WOW, what a great difference my days have been.

I feel as if I have been set free. I am in a good place. No matter what happens in my life I will survive and have a rich life.

*As I told D, I am in the 2 week wait. We shall see how I am if Aunt Flow comes. I hope I can hold steady and stay strong!

A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

I will...

Stand Back Up


Music Codes - MySpace Layouts

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than youd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

by Sugarland

Touchy

The word touchy was used in an email to me today. To me that word means they got their feelings hurt or were offended. I know that she didn't mean to use this word but she did and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

I emailed an email to all of my contacts. I thought I could sending out the email could help see who was dead or alive in the email world. In the midst of getting undelivered email messages I get an email from a 'friend'. I use that word loosely since I really don't know her.

She asks about us, the dog, work ....

I emailed back and said the usual, life is normal, dog is cute, work is good... How are you?

She replies dogs are good, life is normal, are you guys still trying to have kids?

Okay that is where things get difficult sometimes. I can just say Yes we are or I can say that we were and lost our baby to heaven blah blah blah I go with the latter.

She emails back saying, I am so sorry I brought up to such a touchy subject. Sorry!

Ummm it really isn't touchy. If I didn't want to share I wouldn't. I responded with, this is our life. We talk about it all the time. I even blog about it.
THEN she emails back again. By now I am thinking, just stop emailing me!!!

She says, Okay I know for next time.

That was that. I know for next time. What next time? What does she know? I wanted to scream, you are a loser. Truly a loser. Grow up and deal with bad things. She didn't even say, I am so sorry you had to go through this blah blah stuff. Nope just touchy crap.

Can you tell that Aunt Flow showed up for the holidays? Nice! I think I will find a way to use the word touchy every day this week!

Christmas Newsletters

We used to love sending out newsletters when we lived in the armpit of South America. Grumps would work long and hard and everyone would beg for more.

When we moved back to a normal life the letters slowly stopped. People would ask for them but we really didn't have anything to say but I always looked forward to getting letters and keeping up with people.

Last year I wrote our letter for the first time. Grumps takes weeks; I took 5 minutes. I just laid it all out there. I was tired of family and friends wondering why we put a picture of our dog on our card and not children. I said, "I found out that I have endometriosis. We have been trying to have children for a few years and are waiting for our little miracle. Blah blah blah." Grumps was happy that it was out there. It was never really brought up again.

This year we had plans to send a picture of us and my big belly to announce that we were having our miracle. OOPS to that thought! Now we are doing nothing.

Yesterday as you may have read we got my in law's Christmas letter. As I was reading I was SHOCKED to say the least at my little blurb.

"Grumps and Sunny blessed us with a visit this summer and we all spent a few days on Vancouver Island together, hiking and enjoying the beaches. We celebrated their news that Sunny was early in a pregnancy, but were saddened a few weeks later when the tiny life didn't survive. We continue to pray with them for a family."

She went on to talk about our jobs and her issues and whatever. I know that her intentions were for me to know that my baby was missed BUT I think that is a little private. I think it deserves to be asked if it could be written about. She asked if she could write something about Grumps' job. I am not one to get upset and speak my mind or be hurt. BUT I am just a little beside myself.

As for all the other letters, sorry to say that they were skimmed. I did keep all the address hoping that next year we have something to write about.

side note, driving home today I wished that everyone would lose power but me. I am tired of the lights and holly jolly crap!!!

A Baby Has Wings

My dear friend has had another angel leave her to heaven.

Her heart is broken and so is mine .

How unfair is it to lose your baby to heaven at Christmas and on your 30th birthday.

My friend has been my life line since I lost my baby to heaven. She emails daily with encouraging words, scripture and prayer. She knows how to cheer me on. I only hope I can do the same for her now.

I have cried for her as if I lost my angel all over again. She deserves a baby in her arms. Her heart is solid gold.

God take this little one and old it tight. Give it wings to fly! Hold my friend and steady her with Your Perfect Peace.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

You all know that I am not decorating this year. In fact I am fast forwarding Christmas as fast as my little remote will go. BUT my dearest friend D thought that I needed a little bit of Christmas. That this Christmas deserved a Charlie Brown Christmas.

When she gave me my little box with my tree in it I cried. It couldn't be a better tree for the way I feel this year.

Oh on a side note, how would you feel if your MIL wrote about your miscarriage in her Christmas newsletter? Yeah that is what I thought.

I Love My Grumps

This weekend isn't my favorite weekend. Neither is this month these days. Nothing new there. I needed something to help make me feel better. I tried the hot dog from Five Guys along with the fries. It just made me feel sick. I tried the wine which only gave me a headache. I decided I needed something sweet.

Grumps called on his way home from work. I told him that I wanted some ice cream. He didn't even hesitate. He said, "What kind?" What, Grumps offered to stop and get my ice cream? If you know Grumps you know that he NEVER does things like that.

My ice cream of choice tonight....

New York Super Fudge Chunk of course!

Not only did he pick it up, he brought me a bowl in bed. I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!! I love him even more for going downstairs to watch hockey and give me my space.

My Friend

My friend is 5 weeks pregnant.

My friend has miscarried before.

My friend has the sweetest heart.

My friend started spotting yesterday.

My friend is still spotting but very light.

Could you please pray? I want her to have her miracle.

I am so tired of my friends hurting. It just brings it all back and makes it hurt even more.

Frustrated Once Again! But here...

New York was WONDERFUL! It was really good to reconnect. I just knew we would make a little Apple baby. Well... my temp took a dive and screwed it all up.

I was hoping to either get a bfp or a bfn at least a couple of weeks before Christmas. It now looks like I will be getting my news around Christmas. Nice when I have to be at my families with my big fake smile on. It just wears me out thinking about it. I am trying my best to push past and not obsess.

At the beginning of the week I got news that someone from church miscarried on Monday. D was an amazing friend and went with her to the doctor and held her hand. It shook me to the core. I remember all the feelings once again.

I am just pushing through working hard to not think let my mind screw me up.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and words of encouragement. You have are my steady hand!

The Big Reason

Every year I am the one who is begging Grumps to take me out to buy our tree. I can't wait for the holidays. I can't wait for the music, tree, lights, smells, and memories. This is year is so different. I do not want a tree. I do not want the music.

Christmas this year was suppose to be different. My mom bought me the perfect ornament this summer. Parents to Be. I couldn't wait to put it on my tree. But things changed. The ornament is in my hope chest with all the other memories.

That ornament haunts me on a daily basis. I cannot stop thinking about it. It pops into my thoughts many times during my day. When it pops into my mind many emotions take over. I want that ornament to be true. I just can't bare having a tree without that ornament this year.

I kept the real reason for skipping the tree and decorations from Grumps as long as I could. When I finally told him about the ornament he was speechless and I was fighting back the tears. Grumps understands but he continues to remind me that when I am ready we will go buy the tree. I told him that I will not be ready this year. So instead of a tree he bought me a poinsettia. He made me love him even more. This is our only bit of Christmas that will be in our house this year.

Here

I am here. I am around. I am reading and commenting sometimes.

Grumps and I are going away for a long weekend. I need to get away. I need to be renewed. We need time together having fun and not thinking about what is missing.

I have so many thoughts rushing around in my head. Thoughts that can be typed out. Thoughts that shouldn't be typed out. Thoughts that won't be typed out.

I am holding it together but only by the grace of God. I have to use all my power and more of God's to not think about what breaks my heart. I fight off tears more times than I can count. I really would like to just fast forward the holiday season.

I Forgot

I was reminded by my new email friend of something HUGE that I need to be thankful for. Thank you, Julie!

I am so thankful the ability to keep trying to get pregnant. I still can. My body still works. I have all the pieces. I am hoping that they are still clean. But there is hope there that many don't have.

I am also very thankful for this summer though the hardest thing EVER. I am thankful that I carried life for 8 precious weeks. I wouldn't trade that for the world except for having my baby in my arms instead of heaven. I rub my belly sometimes just to tell my angel that I will never stop loving her.

Julie thank you again for reminding me of more blessings!

Happy Thanksgiving

I am trying very hard to get into the thankful mindset that I usually am in on this day. We just had such a different idea of what today would be like last Thanksgiving. It is amazing how we think about next year and our plans for it and they don't come true.

Last year I was still on Lupron. I was thankful that next year I would have a fresh start and be pregnant. When I got pregnant this summer I was so excited to think about going around in our small group circle telling what we are thankful for. I had imagined putting my hand on my belly and saying how I was thankful for the miracle of life. When we began talking about our small group Thanksgiving dinner this year I told D that I just couldn't do the whole thankful thing. I would lose it. I love her for skipping it for me.

Thanksgiving means that Christmas is just right around the corner. We all know what I think about that holiday this year. I am sure I will have many posts about my dread for it.

BUT I am very thankful for many things.

• My God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knows what loss is all about. He has given me more than I deserve. He gives me His strength daily just so I can walk out my door. I cannot imagine a life without Him.
• My amazing husband, Grumps. God gave him to me so perfectly. I am not an easy person to live with yet he loves me more and more each day. He has silently carried me through the dark times. His actions speak far louder than words. I would be lost without him.
  
• My family even though they totally don't get where I am right now or even where I have been. But they pray. They pray for my miracle and my life to be full. They call to check on me and say the dumbest things BUT they call.
• My wonderful friends who have truly been my family. They forgive me for the stupid things I say and do. They surround me with incredible love and support. They give me space when I need it yet know when to hold me steady. They have listening ears and encouraging words. I would live under my covers if it weren't for them.
• My sweet dog Itsy who loves me unconditionally and tries her hardest to comfort me when my life becomes too much. She ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
  
• My freedom. I remind my little students often of how blessed they are to be free to learn, think, worship, live a life in a country of freedom. Grumps and I have talked about how blessed we are to have been born in a life and land of freedom.
  
• My life which is truly full. I have a job that I can say I enjoy even though it drives me nuts. I have a home that is more than enough for us. It is full with more than we need.
  

I hope we call can find things we are thankful for. I pray that my heart will be surrounded by thankfulness even when disappointment sets in.

I am so thankful for your support and listening ear as well. Your words of encouragement push me forward!g

A Life Without Children

I am trying to wrap my brain around this idea. It doesn't mean I am giving up hope.
This world is all about family. Everywhere you go it is asked or talked about. I recently went to a Pampered Chef party with D. It was time to introduce ourselves. If you been to one of these parties you always say what your favorite tool and how you know the hostess. But this time we were also suppose to tell how many kids we have. Both D and I began to groan and then laugh. We had a plan.

D goes first. "I have a 3 year old with furry legs who consumes our life. Her name is Lady. " I couldn't stop laughing. Then it was my turn. "I have an almost 3 year old furbaby named Itsy." Those who know us and our problems laughed. Those who had no clue including the lady in charge just stared at us.

Children and talk of children are a part of every new friend conversation. When you meet someone most often they ask, "Do you have any children?" Even my kids at school ask me. My response to the adults is, "Not yet. We are waiting for our miracle." It usually stops all talk of children.

During my walk this morning I began to think a life without kids even more. We would have more money to spend on ourselves and others. We could go to the movies and dinner anytime. Trips could be planned last minute. My Saturdays would be my Saturdays unless Grumps takes over. My mornings wouldn't be hectic. Life without children doesn't sound all that bad until...

You start thinking about getting older. No grandkids, no one to take care of you when you lose your other half. No school programs, loose teeth, Christmas excitement, proms, graduations, weddings. All those firsts and BIG MOMENTS that people live for.

I just wanted to share with you what is going on in my mind as holidays are quickly approaching and family events are right in our faces.

You Are a Champion!

This was my email devotion that I got yesterday. I just now read it. God must have wrote it Himself.

Today's Scripture

"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, 'With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)

Conquerors don't give up when they lose ground. They march forward with confidence knowing that they will claim victory. It should be the same with us in our daily lives. The Bible says you don't have to worry – you are an overcomer in Christ! The Holy Spirit lives in you and is fighting your spiritual battles for you. As soon as you kneel to pray, the tide of the battle can turn! That's why the Scriptures say over and over again that you can overcome anything. You are more than conquerors in Jesus Christ! You can claim victory through Him today!

A Prayer for Today

God, thank You for Your Holy Spirit, who is fighting my battles for me. Give me the faith to hold on to Your promises and claim victory in Your Name. Instead of worrying, I will be calm and victorious in You! In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Keep Singing

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

Mercy Me

Another One Bites the Dust!

Yesterday was a good day full of hope. Today was a day of fighting the blue SOOOO bad!!!

My temperature took a nice drop. Then spot joined it all.

I had a couple of mini breakdowns in the shower and on the way to work. I was very hopeful this month. I was really walking in faith and trusting. I was reminded again was I trusting TODAY? I had to check myself again.

It is just so hard each month. The 2 week wait is full of hope. Aunt Flow brings such pain and heartache and the desire to just quit. The rollercoaster is killing me. What do I do next?

Tonight I just want to crawl in a hole and stay. We all know that I will be up and on my faith game tomorrow but tonight I am low and tired and wanting to quit.

Sorrow comes at night but JOY comes in the morning. I need some joy to push me forward tomorrow. I just am not sure my heart can take any more.

Today

I haven't been hiding. I haven't been blue. I have been way too busy trying to keep my mind off the two week wait.

Yes, the time is here to scream at my mind to SHUT UP!!!! I will spare you with all the details of what I have been thinking. Same ole same ole.

Today I HAD to have Five Guys for supper. I had to have a hot dog and fries. I ate ALL of it, well not quite all of the fries but if you know Five Guys you know that eating all the fries will kill you. It felt good to eat that dinner. It felt good not to think about the pounds or the gut or my pants not fitting. It just felt good to eat. I have no idea where this is going. HA!

Grumps is out of town for the week. I am booked every day. I guess it is my way of not thinking about my test day. Not thinking about AF. Not thinking about failing. Just NOT THINKING!!!

It has felt so good not to be blue. It has felt wonderful to push the blue thoughts fast away. I don't want to get blue again. But I feel it creeping up on me with every passing day and every day getting closer to Aunt Flow.

BUT TODAY life is good and sunny and full of hope and faith and God's grace!!!

75 out of 150

I thought I needed to lighten my blog for a small moment in time. This makes me look like I haven't done much. HA! I should write my own!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris (one day!)
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (does my own count?)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (nope but I have through South America)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (ALL THE TIME)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music.
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand (a dream)
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (teaching counts, right?)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part besides your ears pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (I want to really bad!!!)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery (but I have had lots messed with by docs while I was under)
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (at one point in my life)
124. Visited all 7 continents (OH I WANT TOOOO!!!)
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dreamm (a long time ago)
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Manned a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

A New Year

Happy Birthday to me today! I was dreading today but God has given me hope for this year.

I have wanted to blog about my time with God this week but have been too busy to do much. I will have to find some time soon to share with you what He has been speaking to me. TRUST is the major word in it all, right along with GOD!!!

I also thought I would share with you my BIG birthday surprise. Thursday Grumps had the day off and wanted to come meet my kids. During the day D and I were planning a time to party that night. Grumps was TOTALLY ugly about it all. I just didn't get why he was being so mean.

I was waiting for Grumps to arrive in my classroom. I kept watching out my window. I finally see him with flowers and a woman. I thought that she looked a little like my mom but knew that couldn't be. There's a knock at my door and when I opened it there stood my MOM! She had flown up here for my birthday. I was totally shocked and surprised. What a wonderful birthday surprise!

So here's to getting older and a new year!!!!

The Closet

I finally cleaned out my closet.

2 garbage bags of clothes that don't fit any more. I am tired of keeping them around.

Sweaters now fill my closet.

While cleaning things up I found a baby outfit for a friend. Cute, pink, 3 months. I threw it across my room. I later threw it into the room of doom.

I wish I was a couple of sizes smaller.

I wish that outfit was for my little girl.

I wish I was pulling out my maternity clothes instead of my old winter sweaters.

The Memories

Lately the memories have been coming in a flood.

I remember ...

rubbing my belly.

the clothes I wore.

my trips and conversations about our little one.

the night I didn't feel well far from home.

the day I began to crave sweets again.

when I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired.

when we were so excited about seeing our baby again but I began to have that mother worried feeling.

I will NEVER forget...

the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life.

the look on my doctors face.

feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone.

trying to stay in control and begging Grumps not to touch me.

walking out of the exam room and watching the faces of the other nurses and doctors. Seeing tears in their eyes and feeling their hugs and kind words.

not being able to speak or talk or think.

hoping for a miracle.

crying late at night.

wanting to all be over but wanting to never forget our little one.

how my friends rallied around us with amazing support.

THANK YOU

for all of the emails, cards, calls, talks, and hugs.

I am feeling better. Each day the blue gets further away. I feel it creeping in here and there but God and I push it away.

I have my head above the water again as I am treading away.

Thank you all for doing what you do best!

Home

I stayed home today from work. I am a teacher and that is a hard task to do. But I knew that I just wouldn't make it.

I wasn't feeling well but not just physically. I fell the fake mask crumbling. I feel myself falling quickly apart.

I talked with friends today. It is therapy for me. But I still have a heavy heart.

I actually shed a few tears today. I usually tear up when I talk to people. I tear up when I am in public but in private I am dry. It felt good to just cry a bit.

I cried to God. I told Him how I was so tired. I was tired of trying. I wasn't even sure I want a child anymore. We all know that I do but... The burden is too heavy these days. I would love to take a break from it all. I would love to put my thermometer back in the drawer but the fact that my endometriosis grows more and more with each cycle, it really makes me afraid.

I am just thankful that I took time for me today. I am feeling better. I really am.

*I am still not caught up with all my tv though. :)

My Sweet Husband!!!!

I talk crap about Grumps all the time. My real life friends know what I mean. He is a wonderful man but can be so funny sometimes.

I haven't really talked about my blues with him this week. I want to spare him the worries. But I know that he knows. I know that he feels it all around me. I love him for not even bringing it up.

Today Grumps left for a work trip for a couple of days. When I got home after he had put a card out for me. I had put one out from him at the beginning of the week to apologize for my ugliness.

He told me he bought the card weeks ago but I know it was meant for today.

Here it is:

Love is...
more than just hearts
and flowers
and romance,
more than candlelit dinners
and moments of intimate sharing.
Love lasts beyond
those initial stages...
It is understanding
through the difficult times,
laughing together
when things are good,
or laughing together
to keep from crying
when things couldn't seem
to go more wrong.
It is patience and compassion,
compromise and healing.
Love is everything
we share together.
Because to me,
love is
and always will be
you.

HOW PERFECT!!!!

I LOVE GRUMPS!!!

A New Place

I can't wrap my brain around where I am right now.

I am low. Check, been there!

I am tired. Check, I am always there!

I want to give up. Check, been there before.

I feel forgotten. This feeling is a little new and really stupid.

The other day in my class, which I love by the way, I had to pull sweatshirts off 7 year olds. This is nothing knew. I have done many things to help 7 year olds. But this one moment, with the true love that I have for them, time stood still.

Thoughts began to run through my head. I WANT THIS! I don't just want the baby. I WANT it all!

I couldn't breathe as time stood still. I almost couldn't move. I wanted to just either hold those kids in my arms or walk right out of my classroom door. I HAVE NEVER felt like that with my teacher hat on.

Then the questions began to fly through my head. Will I have a child? Should I go back to the doc? Should I looking into a RE? Should we be more aggressive? Should we adopt? I brought the last question up to Grumps and he just spoke before thinking like usual.

I HATE WHERE I AM~ I was okay with seeing bellies, babies, children, families. Now that is slipping through my fingers. How can I live and not notice all that?

How can I get back to my old place?

Over Do It

I do this well.

I over commit. I keep myself busy. I will spend an entire day out of the house and come home exhausted.

I spend time with friends. I do favors for them. I don't always know what I do to stay busy.

BUT this busyness ALWAYS comes to the same ending crashing.

I crash and burn. I fall apart. I turn into mush. I don't want to leave my bed. I don't want to think. I don't want to talk. I don't want to be cheered up.

I am holding by a thread right now.

Finished

I finished my grieving blanket.

I will tell you more about it later.

With pictures.

Each Cycle

Will I be sad?

That is the question Grumps asked me today. YES I cried. I will be sad each time until I get my miracle and keep it. How can I not be sad?

Grumps has no clue and I told him that. He doesn't feel the cramps, the change, the tenderness that makes me continue to wonder. He doesn't check his temperature each morning. He doesn't watch the cervical mucus change. He just baby dances.

I know it is hard on him BUT if I want to be sad each month I have the right to be. I told him that he needed to take care of me each time I get sad. I shouldn't feel guilty when I have a sad day.

With my friend and her heartache and all the pregnant woman surrounding me I feel like I am drowning. I know I will stay a float. I always do. I know I will try again each month. I know that I will keep trying. BUT it hurts every time. It hurts more and more and more.

The endo grows back more and more each month. People continue to lap me each month. I feel more alone each month.

I was hoping to give a present at Christmas to my family. I was hoping to be 3 months pregnant. I was hoping to share the news. I was hoping to be able to hold my new nephew without crying. Yes, I have 2 more months until Christmas but the doubt has set in.

By the way, my temperature dropped and I started spotting.

Low low low

It is amazing how news can totally wipe you out and make your day just suck.

Just last week D and I were so excited of the possibility of being pregnant together. Now I only hope we can drink together.

I seriously doubt I am pregnant. I am not even sure I want to be this month. My heart is just hurting. I feel so low.

I offered to make D some dump cake now I feel the need for some myself. Forget trying to lose some wait. Eating to make yourself feel better is the most important thing right?

Anyone else having a low low low day? week? year? life?

All the Angels in Heaven

Today is a day of remembrance for all the little angels in heaven.

It was going to be a hard day for my friend but it was lined in hope and excitement.

Today my friend's baby would have been in our arms. We would have taken pictures, ooed and awed. We would have toasted to life and the future. But she lost her baby to heaven in March.

She was dreading today. It has been sitting heavy on her heart for months. The countdown to October 15th. But God had give her a little surprise. She had found out this she was pregnant. We were all beside ourselves. If I got my bfp we would be only 5 days a part.

Last night we talked about me testing early and today coming.

This morning I woke up not feeling it in my gut to test. So I prayed for my friend and her baby. I went downstairs and check my email to find she has lost another baby to heaven. It all happened this morning on an already sad day.

Today was suppose to be a day that had hope attached to sadness. Now it is just sadness. My heart is beyond heavy for her. It is breaking for her. I want to fix it and make it all better. I want to erase today. I want to hold her hand as she sees her babies. But all I can do now is pray, comfort, listen, and pray some more.

If you know anyone who has lost a baby to heaven pray for them today. Remember their loss. And say a prayer for my friend.

The Word is...

OUT!

It has been slowly leaking out to different people at school. They have been afraid to confirm it with me.

When I went back to work, it was just all too soon, too fresh to share with anyone. I told only a handful.

Now people ask about me, my situation, my absence of a child. I have had the guts to just spill the beans. It has felt good. I kind of just through it out there. You can see my words hit pretty hard.

OR those who have known secretly steer the conversation to my 'issues' hoping I will share. When I do share they act SO SHOCKED that it is very obvious.

I can't wait to share GOOD news and watch that spread like wildfire.

Emails

Okay I have cancelled all memberships or emails that are pregnancy based.

YET I continue to recieve a weekly update.

I got an email saying "You are pregnant and at 16 weeks."

Ummm NEWSFLASH I would be at 16 weeks but it all ended 8 weeks ago.

How do you get off those freaking lists?

Too Soon?

The mindgames have started!

I am only 6 days past ovulation and I have already started. STOP ME PLEASE!!!

I have a scratchy throat.

Headache.

Tired.

Backache.

Crampy.

Grumpy.

I know that it is just... okay I don't know. BUT we all know that it is too early to feel and know anything.

I know that I am just going to shoot myself in the foot for this post. If nothing happens I look stupid. If something happens you will all want to know and I don't know if I can share especially since real life people read.

Please just tell me to shut up and stop all this crazyiness!

Heart Time

Grumps and I had wonderful heart time tonight. We ate on the deck and enjoyed the weather, food and wine.

We talked about heart matters. We talked about infertility, me getting pregnant, sharing with others, heartache, you name it. It felt good to share and not be afraid.

Grumps listened. He added his ten cents. We connected.

It felt so good.

If sex hadn't been so on demand last week I would have actually been in the mood!

2 Week Wait

I am in the lovely two week wait. I hate this place. I try to keep my spirits up but also try to stay grounded or even forget about where I am in all of this.

I had promised Grumps that I wouldn't drink after I Oed. I lied. I have been good. I have only had small amounts of wine. I had to have something to get me through this stupid time.

Guess how many times I have pushed on my boobs and lifted them to feel for overwhelming heaviness? Too many times. It is too soon to even have symptoms like that. BUT we all know how our mind loves to play games.

I was a good friend today. I went with K to shop for maternity clothes. Yep, you heard me right, MATERNITY clothes. I had a little drink before I left to numb it all. It really wasn't as painful as I thought it would be until we were in Motherhood.

There was a mother and daughter who came into the store while K was trying on some clothes. I thought the mother was the one shopping. WRONG!!! It was the 14 year old or younger. She had a nice belly. She seriously was YOUNG. She begged her mom to carry the bag for her. The mom told her NO! Go mom!

But it sure sucked for me!

I did enjoy the Asian lady speaking Spanish to her employees in the food court. It gave me a laugh.

FINALLY!!!

It is finally up! uP! UP!!!

Let's just hope it stays up for the next 3 days and produce a BIG FAT POSITIVE!

We did the deed. Ummm let's just say it wasn't my best performance! In fact I hated every second of it. The entire time I was laughing in my head thinking that if we do get pregnant on this try I will tell them when they are older how it just SUCKED!

Here is the thing, it drives me nuts to hear Grumps complain about doing the baby dance again. Um I do believe he gets a happy finish everytime. Yes, I know that it is hard but seriously, he just has to look and touch and do. I have to lay and lay and lay. THEN when we are all done I ask for some toilet paper and he yells back at me from the bathroom that I should have got it before and been prepared.

I was like, "No he didn't!"

So let's all cross ourselves, pray, throw babydust, do the dance, WHATEVER!!!! I want this temp to stay up up and away!

Thanks for riding this ride with me!

Busting Ovaries

Still no jump in the temp.

Still no ovulation.

Still unhappy about it all!

All night it felt as if my ovaries were going to bust. They feel so full. I wish I could make it all go away.

I guess we will be baby making again today.

TICKED OFF

Anyone here with any wise answers to why my body sucks this cycle?

I have NEVER had a cycle like this. EVER! Even last month my body worked right. Or at least I thought it did. I didn't temp so maybe I am just screwed up.

My temp really hasn't done poop! My ovaries HURT! I have discharge like I am suppose to for the past 2 weeks! I did the deed AGAIN yesterday!

What is wrong?

Anyone want to play chart detective? Have a look!

The Big Drop

I was wrong. I guess I haven't Oed even though I have had the signs now for 2 weeks.

My temperature dropped big time this morning. We also didn't do any baby making. I just couldn't. So now it looks like we have to do it for sure tonight. I am about to throw my thermometer right out the window and quit!!!

What is up with my body?

Temping

I hate temping. But when I wasn't temping because I was pregnant I actually missed it. It is one of those habits like turning on your alarm clock or taking your vitamin.

I am at a very critical point in my cycle. Temping is crucial right now. Yesterday morning I woke up and realized that my thermometer was in the bathroom. I couldn't temp. I needed to know if I was ovulating or not. Not really for baby making but for peace of mind. I wanted to wake up Grumps but I knew that he wouldn't be happy.

I decided to get up and go to the bathroom and just take it from there. My temperature dropped a tad. It didn't jump like I needed it too. I thought that I would reinact it all this morning. I needed to see how much my temperature would drop from walking to the bathroom.

I took my temperature from bed first this morning. It had sky rocketed. I walked to the bathroom and did it again. It stayed the same. I guess that means I am ovulating today. We will have to baby make one more time tonight. It will be our 5th time this week. WRONG!!!

Not only am I a pregnancy detective who was right, I am a thermometer detective as well.

A Blue Week

This week has been a major blue week. I am so over the timed sex, temperature sticking, muscus checking. It hit me that I just wasn't ready for this. I cried the first time we tried this week. Of course I kept it from Grumps. Why should I make him worry?

I thought we were done with all of this.

I could barely keep it together this week. I felt like I was falling apart, unraveling, drowning, and suffocating. The weight was crushing on my chest.

I took baths to relax. I went on walks by myself. I spent time with God. Nothing seemed to really work. It must have been the prayers last night because I woke up finally feeling like me.

At one point this week early in the morning I decided that if we did not have our miracle by my due date we might just have to quit. I am not sure I can continue this roller coaster much longer.

Let's hope and pray that tonight will be the winner shot!

Raise Your Hand

Okay I have been wanting to do this for awhile.

Raise your hand if you are a part of this infertile club?

Just shoot out a comment.

I know there are many who read who don't comment. I am just curious.

I know that there are many who read who aren't part of this club. I AM SO GLAD! But I do thank you for your support and for reading. It is helping teach others to be sensitive and aware.

I know there are also many who read who used to be a part of this group. I want to hear from you too.

Don't be shy!

Night Time

I am asleep every night by 9 even on the weekends. There is something wrong with this picture. My eyes get so heavy that I can't even begin to hold them open anymore.

Today Grumps and I went for a walk. (I desperately need to lose this 'baby' weight.) He couldn't believe that I was asleep before he even came upstairs. We were trying to figure out the reason. It hit me, well it sort of has been lingering for a while in the back of my mind. I work so hard during my day to be normal and myself that by the time evening falls I am gone. I am just too exhausted to stay awake.

It takes so much energy to be normal. Anyone else feel this way?

Oprah

I emailed Oprah today. Crazy I know but it has been on my mind for a long time.

Infertility needs to be addressed. The world needs to know about us, the infertiles and what it is like to be in our shoes. There needs to be a level of sensitivity place on people. People speak before they think.

I am sure my little email will get lost among the millions but I needed to do my part. I believe she did a show in woman trying after 40. But there is more to it then that. I found a little article on her website about infertility. It didn't even scratch the surface.

Here is my little email. We all shall see if anything happens with it. Maybe it was a stupid idea. Who knows?

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. We thought the road to a child would be an easy process. We had saved ourselves for marriage and truly believed that when the time was right we would get pregnant. We never thought we would be a part of the fast growing infertility community. I call infertility the silent disease. More people are talking about it now but for such a long time it was never talked about. I remember growing up and there being many couples without children. I just assumed that they didn't want kids. It never occurred to me that they couldn't have children. There are so many reasons for infertility. There are also so many different treatments and tests that women and men go through daily just to maybe have the hope for a child. I believe that it needs to be talked about more. I believe that women and men need to know that they aren't alone. They don't have to be ashamed. I also would like those who have not gone through infertility to try to understand what it is like. People can be so hurtful and insensitive without even realizing it. Maybe if they knew what it is like to desperately want a child they would reconsider their advice, opinions and comments. I know that just relaxing, getting a dog, beginning the adoption process or getting drunk one night will not give me a child. People just need to be aware of us, the infertility community. It is a fast growing community. On the internet there are many message support groups where women ban together for support and advice. There are also hundreds of blogs where women share their story. I began a blog a couple of years ago after feeling that others needed to know that they weren't alone and it was okay to be sad. There are some amazing stories that women share. The heartache is huge. I have read stories where women have tried for years and never gave up the fight. There are others who have had numerous miscarriages and yet continue to get up and go to work. Their stories inspire me. They show me the true strength and spirit of woman. Thank you for your time. I hope you will consider looking into doing a show about infertility. It needs to be talked about.