A Moment

I had a moment yesterday. All day I was blue. Not deep blue but just a slight shade. I guess 2006 just sort of hit me. Or more like wrapped itself around me.

With the holiday pressing on me, new pregnancy announcements, bellies growing, babies leaving for heaven, I felt overwhelmed.

I put away the stupid pregnancy magazines that continue to come into my mailbox and some dried flowers from our little one in heaven. I put them in the room that would have been the nursery. I put them in my Hope Chest with all of my other memories from this summer, from 2006. I let myself look for just a second of what was in that chest. It took my breath away and completely over took me. I began to think back over this year. Lupron, friends having little ones and others losing theirs to heaven, my baby, the loss of our angel, my brother's baby, more pregnancy announcements and losses to heaven, and the holidays.

Christmas was a wonderful time with my family. I was completely dreading it. I was dreading pity and fake joy for the new addition to our family. None of that happened. There were some silent looks of compassion but nothing was spoken about. It was a relief. The new addition was precious but major work. There were no cooing and ooing over the little man. Seeing other have to work to keep him happy and quiet was nice. I had to laugh and sigh on the inside. I didn't have that problem. Not that I didn't want that problem but right then I didn't have it.

No one said anything stupid about us not having children and timelines and all that stupid stuff people accidentally say. Everyone was very sensitive to where we were or better yet, where we were not.

There was one hard moment. My brother and his best friend both have babies. They are both younger than me. I have been married WAY more than they have. I had to watch everyone play with their babies and see the look of pride in their eyes. It did me in. We left the next day. I wanted to cry but didn't have the time or the place to let it all out.

I got home to 2 pregnancy announcements. I am very happy for both but it was hard. They are both pregnant with their second child. I don't have my first yet. Mine is in heaven.

I couldn't stop thinking about how my body would look if I was still pregnant right now. What my life would be like as the countdown begins. I have lost count to how many weeks I would be at until I saw someone's ticker who is 2 weeks behind me. It made me really sad. March 20th continues to flash through my mind daily. I can't get that date out of my thoughts. I don't think I ever will.

Tonight we are off to party in the new year. D will be with me. We both want to put this year FAR behind us. I thought that it would be a year of great things. Instead it was a year of disappointments and heartache. Not saying that the entire year was a loss but I am clouded by it right now. Maybe in time the clouds will clear and I can see the good. I know it is there.

I take into 2007 a stronger marriage. Grumps has learned to protect me and read me and really know me this year.

I take into 2007 stronger friendships. I thought back to the beginning of last year. I had good friends but they have completely changed as the year pushed through.

I take into 2007 a great deal of loss and pain that I hope can turn into compassion for others.

Finally I take into 2007 a deeper relationship with God. We talk ALL THE TIME! I cry to Him. Sing praises to Him. Feel Him holding me steady and strong every day. I guess that is what this year truly is about. Growing closer to my Heavenly Father.

I really hope that 2007 is a different year. I hope that it turns into something wonderful. I am not even going to say the word baby with 2007. I just want peace. It would be amazing to have my miracle but if I get closed doors and a peaceful mind that doesn't think about not having a child every second, that would be a miracle as well.

*Sorry for the all over the place post. My brain has been writing a couple of them over the past week. It only made since to put them together even though the flow wasn't there. I know, I write this for me but I think of you as I type.

I will...

Stand Back Up


Music Codes - MySpace Layouts

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,

I will stand back up,
Youll know just the moment when ive have enough,
Sometimes im afraid, and i dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than youd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
Theres a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these stroms,
But i just turn them into wind, so i can fly,
What dont kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
Thats when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes im afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

Youll know just the moment when ive had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I dont feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

by Sugarland

Touchy

The word touchy was used in an email to me today. To me that word means they got their feelings hurt or were offended. I know that she didn't mean to use this word but she did and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

I emailed an email to all of my contacts. I thought I could sending out the email could help see who was dead or alive in the email world. In the midst of getting undelivered email messages I get an email from a 'friend'. I use that word loosely since I really don't know her.

She asks about us, the dog, work ....

I emailed back and said the usual, life is normal, dog is cute, work is good... How are you?

She replies dogs are good, life is normal, are you guys still trying to have kids?

Okay that is where things get difficult sometimes. I can just say Yes we are or I can say that we were and lost our baby to heaven blah blah blah I go with the latter.

She emails back saying, I am so sorry I brought up to such a touchy subject. Sorry!

Ummm it really isn't touchy. If I didn't want to share I wouldn't. I responded with, this is our life. We talk about it all the time. I even blog about it.
THEN she emails back again. By now I am thinking, just stop emailing me!!!

She says, Okay I know for next time.

That was that. I know for next time. What next time? What does she know? I wanted to scream, you are a loser. Truly a loser. Grow up and deal with bad things. She didn't even say, I am so sorry you had to go through this blah blah stuff. Nope just touchy crap.

Can you tell that Aunt Flow showed up for the holidays? Nice! I think I will find a way to use the word touchy every day this week!

Christmas Newsletters

We used to love sending out newsletters when we lived in the armpit of South America. Grumps would work long and hard and everyone would beg for more.

When we moved back to a normal life the letters slowly stopped. People would ask for them but we really didn't have anything to say but I always looked forward to getting letters and keeping up with people.

Last year I wrote our letter for the first time. Grumps takes weeks; I took 5 minutes. I just laid it all out there. I was tired of family and friends wondering why we put a picture of our dog on our card and not children. I said, "I found out that I have endometriosis. We have been trying to have children for a few years and are waiting for our little miracle. Blah blah blah." Grumps was happy that it was out there. It was never really brought up again.

This year we had plans to send a picture of us and my big belly to announce that we were having our miracle. OOPS to that thought! Now we are doing nothing.

Yesterday as you may have read we got my in law's Christmas letter. As I was reading I was SHOCKED to say the least at my little blurb.

"Grumps and Sunny blessed us with a visit this summer and we all spent a few days on Vancouver Island together, hiking and enjoying the beaches. We celebrated their news that Sunny was early in a pregnancy, but were saddened a few weeks later when the tiny life didn't survive. We continue to pray with them for a family."

She went on to talk about our jobs and her issues and whatever. I know that her intentions were for me to know that my baby was missed BUT I think that is a little private. I think it deserves to be asked if it could be written about. She asked if she could write something about Grumps' job. I am not one to get upset and speak my mind or be hurt. BUT I am just a little beside myself.

As for all the other letters, sorry to say that they were skimmed. I did keep all the address hoping that next year we have something to write about.

side note, driving home today I wished that everyone would lose power but me. I am tired of the lights and holly jolly crap!!!

A Baby Has Wings

My dear friend has had another angel leave her to heaven.

Her heart is broken and so is mine .

How unfair is it to lose your baby to heaven at Christmas and on your 30th birthday.

My friend has been my life line since I lost my baby to heaven. She emails daily with encouraging words, scripture and prayer. She knows how to cheer me on. I only hope I can do the same for her now.

I have cried for her as if I lost my angel all over again. She deserves a baby in her arms. Her heart is solid gold.

God take this little one and old it tight. Give it wings to fly! Hold my friend and steady her with Your Perfect Peace.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

You all know that I am not decorating this year. In fact I am fast forwarding Christmas as fast as my little remote will go. BUT my dearest friend D thought that I needed a little bit of Christmas. That this Christmas deserved a Charlie Brown Christmas.

When she gave me my little box with my tree in it I cried. It couldn't be a better tree for the way I feel this year.

Oh on a side note, how would you feel if your MIL wrote about your miscarriage in her Christmas newsletter? Yeah that is what I thought.

I Love My Grumps

This weekend isn't my favorite weekend. Neither is this month these days. Nothing new there. I needed something to help make me feel better. I tried the hot dog from Five Guys along with the fries. It just made me feel sick. I tried the wine which only gave me a headache. I decided I needed something sweet.

Grumps called on his way home from work. I told him that I wanted some ice cream. He didn't even hesitate. He said, "What kind?" What, Grumps offered to stop and get my ice cream? If you know Grumps you know that he NEVER does things like that.

My ice cream of choice tonight....

New York Super Fudge Chunk of course!

Not only did he pick it up, he brought me a bowl in bed. I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!! I love him even more for going downstairs to watch hockey and give me my space.

My Friend

My friend is 5 weeks pregnant.

My friend has miscarried before.

My friend has the sweetest heart.

My friend started spotting yesterday.

My friend is still spotting but very light.

Could you please pray? I want her to have her miracle.

I am so tired of my friends hurting. It just brings it all back and makes it hurt even more.

Frustrated Once Again! But here...

New York was WONDERFUL! It was really good to reconnect. I just knew we would make a little Apple baby. Well... my temp took a dive and screwed it all up.

I was hoping to either get a bfp or a bfn at least a couple of weeks before Christmas. It now looks like I will be getting my news around Christmas. Nice when I have to be at my families with my big fake smile on. It just wears me out thinking about it. I am trying my best to push past and not obsess.

At the beginning of the week I got news that someone from church miscarried on Monday. D was an amazing friend and went with her to the doctor and held her hand. It shook me to the core. I remember all the feelings once again.

I am just pushing through working hard to not think let my mind screw me up.

Thank you all for your sweet comments and words of encouragement. You have are my steady hand!

The Big Reason

Every year I am the one who is begging Grumps to take me out to buy our tree. I can't wait for the holidays. I can't wait for the music, tree, lights, smells, and memories. This is year is so different. I do not want a tree. I do not want the music.

Christmas this year was suppose to be different. My mom bought me the perfect ornament this summer. Parents to Be. I couldn't wait to put it on my tree. But things changed. The ornament is in my hope chest with all the other memories.

That ornament haunts me on a daily basis. I cannot stop thinking about it. It pops into my thoughts many times during my day. When it pops into my mind many emotions take over. I want that ornament to be true. I just can't bare having a tree without that ornament this year.

I kept the real reason for skipping the tree and decorations from Grumps as long as I could. When I finally told him about the ornament he was speechless and I was fighting back the tears. Grumps understands but he continues to remind me that when I am ready we will go buy the tree. I told him that I will not be ready this year. So instead of a tree he bought me a poinsettia. He made me love him even more. This is our only bit of Christmas that will be in our house this year.

Here

I am here. I am around. I am reading and commenting sometimes.

Grumps and I are going away for a long weekend. I need to get away. I need to be renewed. We need time together having fun and not thinking about what is missing.

I have so many thoughts rushing around in my head. Thoughts that can be typed out. Thoughts that shouldn't be typed out. Thoughts that won't be typed out.

I am holding it together but only by the grace of God. I have to use all my power and more of God's to not think about what breaks my heart. I fight off tears more times than I can count. I really would like to just fast forward the holiday season.

I Forgot

I was reminded by my new email friend of something HUGE that I need to be thankful for. Thank you, Julie!

I am so thankful the ability to keep trying to get pregnant. I still can. My body still works. I have all the pieces. I am hoping that they are still clean. But there is hope there that many don't have.

I am also very thankful for this summer though the hardest thing EVER. I am thankful that I carried life for 8 precious weeks. I wouldn't trade that for the world except for having my baby in my arms instead of heaven. I rub my belly sometimes just to tell my angel that I will never stop loving her.

Julie thank you again for reminding me of more blessings!

Happy Thanksgiving

I am trying very hard to get into the thankful mindset that I usually am in on this day. We just had such a different idea of what today would be like last Thanksgiving. It is amazing how we think about next year and our plans for it and they don't come true.

Last year I was still on Lupron. I was thankful that next year I would have a fresh start and be pregnant. When I got pregnant this summer I was so excited to think about going around in our small group circle telling what we are thankful for. I had imagined putting my hand on my belly and saying how I was thankful for the miracle of life. When we began talking about our small group Thanksgiving dinner this year I told D that I just couldn't do the whole thankful thing. I would lose it. I love her for skipping it for me.

Thanksgiving means that Christmas is just right around the corner. We all know what I think about that holiday this year. I am sure I will have many posts about my dread for it.

BUT I am very thankful for many things.

• My God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knows what loss is all about. He has given me more than I deserve. He gives me His strength daily just so I can walk out my door. I cannot imagine a life without Him.
• My amazing husband, Grumps. God gave him to me so perfectly. I am not an easy person to live with yet he loves me more and more each day. He has silently carried me through the dark times. His actions speak far louder than words. I would be lost without him.
  
• My family even though they totally don't get where I am right now or even where I have been. But they pray. They pray for my miracle and my life to be full. They call to check on me and say the dumbest things BUT they call.
• My wonderful friends who have truly been my family. They forgive me for the stupid things I say and do. They surround me with incredible love and support. They give me space when I need it yet know when to hold me steady. They have listening ears and encouraging words. I would live under my covers if it weren't for them.
• My sweet dog Itsy who loves me unconditionally and tries her hardest to comfort me when my life becomes too much. She ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
  
• My freedom. I remind my little students often of how blessed they are to be free to learn, think, worship, live a life in a country of freedom. Grumps and I have talked about how blessed we are to have been born in a life and land of freedom.
  
• My life which is truly full. I have a job that I can say I enjoy even though it drives me nuts. I have a home that is more than enough for us. It is full with more than we need.
  

I hope we call can find things we are thankful for. I pray that my heart will be surrounded by thankfulness even when disappointment sets in.

I am so thankful for your support and listening ear as well. Your words of encouragement push me forward!g

A Life Without Children

I am trying to wrap my brain around this idea. It doesn't mean I am giving up hope.
This world is all about family. Everywhere you go it is asked or talked about. I recently went to a Pampered Chef party with D. It was time to introduce ourselves. If you been to one of these parties you always say what your favorite tool and how you know the hostess. But this time we were also suppose to tell how many kids we have. Both D and I began to groan and then laugh. We had a plan.

D goes first. "I have a 3 year old with furry legs who consumes our life. Her name is Lady. " I couldn't stop laughing. Then it was my turn. "I have an almost 3 year old furbaby named Itsy." Those who know us and our problems laughed. Those who had no clue including the lady in charge just stared at us.

Children and talk of children are a part of every new friend conversation. When you meet someone most often they ask, "Do you have any children?" Even my kids at school ask me. My response to the adults is, "Not yet. We are waiting for our miracle." It usually stops all talk of children.

During my walk this morning I began to think a life without kids even more. We would have more money to spend on ourselves and others. We could go to the movies and dinner anytime. Trips could be planned last minute. My Saturdays would be my Saturdays unless Grumps takes over. My mornings wouldn't be hectic. Life without children doesn't sound all that bad until...

You start thinking about getting older. No grandkids, no one to take care of you when you lose your other half. No school programs, loose teeth, Christmas excitement, proms, graduations, weddings. All those firsts and BIG MOMENTS that people live for.

I just wanted to share with you what is going on in my mind as holidays are quickly approaching and family events are right in our faces.

You Are a Champion!

This was my email devotion that I got yesterday. I just now read it. God must have wrote it Himself.

Today's Scripture

"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, 'With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)

Conquerors don't give up when they lose ground. They march forward with confidence knowing that they will claim victory. It should be the same with us in our daily lives. The Bible says you don't have to worry – you are an overcomer in Christ! The Holy Spirit lives in you and is fighting your spiritual battles for you. As soon as you kneel to pray, the tide of the battle can turn! That's why the Scriptures say over and over again that you can overcome anything. You are more than conquerors in Jesus Christ! You can claim victory through Him today!

A Prayer for Today

God, thank You for Your Holy Spirit, who is fighting my battles for me. Give me the faith to hold on to Your promises and claim victory in Your Name. Instead of worrying, I will be calm and victorious in You! In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Keep Singing

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

Mercy Me

Another One Bites the Dust!

Yesterday was a good day full of hope. Today was a day of fighting the blue SOOOO bad!!!

My temperature took a nice drop. Then spot joined it all.

I had a couple of mini breakdowns in the shower and on the way to work. I was very hopeful this month. I was really walking in faith and trusting. I was reminded again was I trusting TODAY? I had to check myself again.

It is just so hard each month. The 2 week wait is full of hope. Aunt Flow brings such pain and heartache and the desire to just quit. The rollercoaster is killing me. What do I do next?

Tonight I just want to crawl in a hole and stay. We all know that I will be up and on my faith game tomorrow but tonight I am low and tired and wanting to quit.

Sorrow comes at night but JOY comes in the morning. I need some joy to push me forward tomorrow. I just am not sure my heart can take any more.

Today

I haven't been hiding. I haven't been blue. I have been way too busy trying to keep my mind off the two week wait.

Yes, the time is here to scream at my mind to SHUT UP!!!! I will spare you with all the details of what I have been thinking. Same ole same ole.

Today I HAD to have Five Guys for supper. I had to have a hot dog and fries. I ate ALL of it, well not quite all of the fries but if you know Five Guys you know that eating all the fries will kill you. It felt good to eat that dinner. It felt good not to think about the pounds or the gut or my pants not fitting. It just felt good to eat. I have no idea where this is going. HA!

Grumps is out of town for the week. I am booked every day. I guess it is my way of not thinking about my test day. Not thinking about AF. Not thinking about failing. Just NOT THINKING!!!

It has felt so good not to be blue. It has felt wonderful to push the blue thoughts fast away. I don't want to get blue again. But I feel it creeping up on me with every passing day and every day getting closer to Aunt Flow.

BUT TODAY life is good and sunny and full of hope and faith and God's grace!!!

75 out of 150

I thought I needed to lighten my blog for a small moment in time. This makes me look like I haven't done much. HA! I should write my own!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris (one day!)
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (does my own count?)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (nope but I have through South America)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (ALL THE TIME)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music.
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand (a dream)
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (teaching counts, right?)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part besides your ears pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (I want to really bad!!!)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery (but I have had lots messed with by docs while I was under)
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states (at one point in my life)
124. Visited all 7 continents (OH I WANT TOOOO!!!)
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dreamm (a long time ago)
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Manned a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

A New Year

Happy Birthday to me today! I was dreading today but God has given me hope for this year.

I have wanted to blog about my time with God this week but have been too busy to do much. I will have to find some time soon to share with you what He has been speaking to me. TRUST is the major word in it all, right along with GOD!!!

I also thought I would share with you my BIG birthday surprise. Thursday Grumps had the day off and wanted to come meet my kids. During the day D and I were planning a time to party that night. Grumps was TOTALLY ugly about it all. I just didn't get why he was being so mean.

I was waiting for Grumps to arrive in my classroom. I kept watching out my window. I finally see him with flowers and a woman. I thought that she looked a little like my mom but knew that couldn't be. There's a knock at my door and when I opened it there stood my MOM! She had flown up here for my birthday. I was totally shocked and surprised. What a wonderful birthday surprise!

So here's to getting older and a new year!!!!

The Closet

I finally cleaned out my closet.

2 garbage bags of clothes that don't fit any more. I am tired of keeping them around.

Sweaters now fill my closet.

While cleaning things up I found a baby outfit for a friend. Cute, pink, 3 months. I threw it across my room. I later threw it into the room of doom.

I wish I was a couple of sizes smaller.

I wish that outfit was for my little girl.

I wish I was pulling out my maternity clothes instead of my old winter sweaters.

The Memories

Lately the memories have been coming in a flood.

I remember ...

rubbing my belly.

the clothes I wore.

my trips and conversations about our little one.

the night I didn't feel well far from home.

the day I began to crave sweets again.

when I always needed a nap and this one day I wasn't even tired.

when we were so excited about seeing our baby again but I began to have that mother worried feeling.

I will NEVER forget...

the silence in the room when we didn't see the flicker of life.

the look on my doctors face.

feeling like I was underwater and in slow motion as my doctor explained that our baby was gone.

trying to stay in control and begging Grumps not to touch me.

walking out of the exam room and watching the faces of the other nurses and doctors. Seeing tears in their eyes and feeling their hugs and kind words.

not being able to speak or talk or think.

hoping for a miracle.

crying late at night.

wanting to all be over but wanting to never forget our little one.

how my friends rallied around us with amazing support.

THANK YOU

for all of the emails, cards, calls, talks, and hugs.

I am feeling better. Each day the blue gets further away. I feel it creeping in here and there but God and I push it away.

I have my head above the water again as I am treading away.

Thank you all for doing what you do best!

Home

I stayed home today from work. I am a teacher and that is a hard task to do. But I knew that I just wouldn't make it.

I wasn't feeling well but not just physically. I fell the fake mask crumbling. I feel myself falling quickly apart.

I talked with friends today. It is therapy for me. But I still have a heavy heart.

I actually shed a few tears today. I usually tear up when I talk to people. I tear up when I am in public but in private I am dry. It felt good to just cry a bit.

I cried to God. I told Him how I was so tired. I was tired of trying. I wasn't even sure I want a child anymore. We all know that I do but... The burden is too heavy these days. I would love to take a break from it all. I would love to put my thermometer back in the drawer but the fact that my endometriosis grows more and more with each cycle, it really makes me afraid.

I am just thankful that I took time for me today. I am feeling better. I really am.

*I am still not caught up with all my tv though. :)

My Sweet Husband!!!!

I talk crap about Grumps all the time. My real life friends know what I mean. He is a wonderful man but can be so funny sometimes.

I haven't really talked about my blues with him this week. I want to spare him the worries. But I know that he knows. I know that he feels it all around me. I love him for not even bringing it up.

Today Grumps left for a work trip for a couple of days. When I got home after he had put a card out for me. I had put one out from him at the beginning of the week to apologize for my ugliness.

He told me he bought the card weeks ago but I know it was meant for today.

Here it is:

Love is...
more than just hearts
and flowers
and romance,
more than candlelit dinners
and moments of intimate sharing.
Love lasts beyond
those initial stages...
It is understanding
through the difficult times,
laughing together
when things are good,
or laughing together
to keep from crying
when things couldn't seem
to go more wrong.
It is patience and compassion,
compromise and healing.
Love is everything
we share together.
Because to me,
love is
and always will be
you.

HOW PERFECT!!!!

I LOVE GRUMPS!!!

A New Place

I can't wrap my brain around where I am right now.

I am low. Check, been there!

I am tired. Check, I am always there!

I want to give up. Check, been there before.

I feel forgotten. This feeling is a little new and really stupid.

The other day in my class, which I love by the way, I had to pull sweatshirts off 7 year olds. This is nothing knew. I have done many things to help 7 year olds. But this one moment, with the true love that I have for them, time stood still.

Thoughts began to run through my head. I WANT THIS! I don't just want the baby. I WANT it all!

I couldn't breathe as time stood still. I almost couldn't move. I wanted to just either hold those kids in my arms or walk right out of my classroom door. I HAVE NEVER felt like that with my teacher hat on.

Then the questions began to fly through my head. Will I have a child? Should I go back to the doc? Should I looking into a RE? Should we be more aggressive? Should we adopt? I brought the last question up to Grumps and he just spoke before thinking like usual.

I HATE WHERE I AM~ I was okay with seeing bellies, babies, children, families. Now that is slipping through my fingers. How can I live and not notice all that?

How can I get back to my old place?

Over Do It

I do this well.

I over commit. I keep myself busy. I will spend an entire day out of the house and come home exhausted.

I spend time with friends. I do favors for them. I don't always know what I do to stay busy.

BUT this busyness ALWAYS comes to the same ending crashing.

I crash and burn. I fall apart. I turn into mush. I don't want to leave my bed. I don't want to think. I don't want to talk. I don't want to be cheered up.

I am holding by a thread right now.

Finished

I finished my grieving blanket.

I will tell you more about it later.

With pictures.

Each Cycle

Will I be sad?

That is the question Grumps asked me today. YES I cried. I will be sad each time until I get my miracle and keep it. How can I not be sad?

Grumps has no clue and I told him that. He doesn't feel the cramps, the change, the tenderness that makes me continue to wonder. He doesn't check his temperature each morning. He doesn't watch the cervical mucus change. He just baby dances.

I know it is hard on him BUT if I want to be sad each month I have the right to be. I told him that he needed to take care of me each time I get sad. I shouldn't feel guilty when I have a sad day.

With my friend and her heartache and all the pregnant woman surrounding me I feel like I am drowning. I know I will stay a float. I always do. I know I will try again each month. I know that I will keep trying. BUT it hurts every time. It hurts more and more and more.

The endo grows back more and more each month. People continue to lap me each month. I feel more alone each month.

I was hoping to give a present at Christmas to my family. I was hoping to be 3 months pregnant. I was hoping to share the news. I was hoping to be able to hold my new nephew without crying. Yes, I have 2 more months until Christmas but the doubt has set in.

By the way, my temperature dropped and I started spotting.

Low low low

It is amazing how news can totally wipe you out and make your day just suck.

Just last week D and I were so excited of the possibility of being pregnant together. Now I only hope we can drink together.

I seriously doubt I am pregnant. I am not even sure I want to be this month. My heart is just hurting. I feel so low.

I offered to make D some dump cake now I feel the need for some myself. Forget trying to lose some wait. Eating to make yourself feel better is the most important thing right?

Anyone else having a low low low day? week? year? life?

All the Angels in Heaven

Today is a day of remembrance for all the little angels in heaven.

It was going to be a hard day for my friend but it was lined in hope and excitement.

Today my friend's baby would have been in our arms. We would have taken pictures, ooed and awed. We would have toasted to life and the future. But she lost her baby to heaven in March.

She was dreading today. It has been sitting heavy on her heart for months. The countdown to October 15th. But God had give her a little surprise. She had found out this she was pregnant. We were all beside ourselves. If I got my bfp we would be only 5 days a part.

Last night we talked about me testing early and today coming.

This morning I woke up not feeling it in my gut to test. So I prayed for my friend and her baby. I went downstairs and check my email to find she has lost another baby to heaven. It all happened this morning on an already sad day.

Today was suppose to be a day that had hope attached to sadness. Now it is just sadness. My heart is beyond heavy for her. It is breaking for her. I want to fix it and make it all better. I want to erase today. I want to hold her hand as she sees her babies. But all I can do now is pray, comfort, listen, and pray some more.

If you know anyone who has lost a baby to heaven pray for them today. Remember their loss. And say a prayer for my friend.

The Word is...

OUT!

It has been slowly leaking out to different people at school. They have been afraid to confirm it with me.

When I went back to work, it was just all too soon, too fresh to share with anyone. I told only a handful.

Now people ask about me, my situation, my absence of a child. I have had the guts to just spill the beans. It has felt good. I kind of just through it out there. You can see my words hit pretty hard.

OR those who have known secretly steer the conversation to my 'issues' hoping I will share. When I do share they act SO SHOCKED that it is very obvious.

I can't wait to share GOOD news and watch that spread like wildfire.

Emails

Okay I have cancelled all memberships or emails that are pregnancy based.

YET I continue to recieve a weekly update.

I got an email saying "You are pregnant and at 16 weeks."

Ummm NEWSFLASH I would be at 16 weeks but it all ended 8 weeks ago.

How do you get off those freaking lists?

Too Soon?

The mindgames have started!

I am only 6 days past ovulation and I have already started. STOP ME PLEASE!!!

I have a scratchy throat.

Headache.

Tired.

Backache.

Crampy.

Grumpy.

I know that it is just... okay I don't know. BUT we all know that it is too early to feel and know anything.

I know that I am just going to shoot myself in the foot for this post. If nothing happens I look stupid. If something happens you will all want to know and I don't know if I can share especially since real life people read.

Please just tell me to shut up and stop all this crazyiness!

Heart Time

Grumps and I had wonderful heart time tonight. We ate on the deck and enjoyed the weather, food and wine.

We talked about heart matters. We talked about infertility, me getting pregnant, sharing with others, heartache, you name it. It felt good to share and not be afraid.

Grumps listened. He added his ten cents. We connected.

It felt so good.

If sex hadn't been so on demand last week I would have actually been in the mood!

2 Week Wait

I am in the lovely two week wait. I hate this place. I try to keep my spirits up but also try to stay grounded or even forget about where I am in all of this.

I had promised Grumps that I wouldn't drink after I Oed. I lied. I have been good. I have only had small amounts of wine. I had to have something to get me through this stupid time.

Guess how many times I have pushed on my boobs and lifted them to feel for overwhelming heaviness? Too many times. It is too soon to even have symptoms like that. BUT we all know how our mind loves to play games.

I was a good friend today. I went with K to shop for maternity clothes. Yep, you heard me right, MATERNITY clothes. I had a little drink before I left to numb it all. It really wasn't as painful as I thought it would be until we were in Motherhood.

There was a mother and daughter who came into the store while K was trying on some clothes. I thought the mother was the one shopping. WRONG!!! It was the 14 year old or younger. She had a nice belly. She seriously was YOUNG. She begged her mom to carry the bag for her. The mom told her NO! Go mom!

But it sure sucked for me!

I did enjoy the Asian lady speaking Spanish to her employees in the food court. It gave me a laugh.

FINALLY!!!

It is finally up! uP! UP!!!

Let's just hope it stays up for the next 3 days and produce a BIG FAT POSITIVE!

We did the deed. Ummm let's just say it wasn't my best performance! In fact I hated every second of it. The entire time I was laughing in my head thinking that if we do get pregnant on this try I will tell them when they are older how it just SUCKED!

Here is the thing, it drives me nuts to hear Grumps complain about doing the baby dance again. Um I do believe he gets a happy finish everytime. Yes, I know that it is hard but seriously, he just has to look and touch and do. I have to lay and lay and lay. THEN when we are all done I ask for some toilet paper and he yells back at me from the bathroom that I should have got it before and been prepared.

I was like, "No he didn't!"

So let's all cross ourselves, pray, throw babydust, do the dance, WHATEVER!!!! I want this temp to stay up up and away!

Thanks for riding this ride with me!

Busting Ovaries

Still no jump in the temp.

Still no ovulation.

Still unhappy about it all!

All night it felt as if my ovaries were going to bust. They feel so full. I wish I could make it all go away.

I guess we will be baby making again today.

TICKED OFF

Anyone here with any wise answers to why my body sucks this cycle?

I have NEVER had a cycle like this. EVER! Even last month my body worked right. Or at least I thought it did. I didn't temp so maybe I am just screwed up.

My temp really hasn't done poop! My ovaries HURT! I have discharge like I am suppose to for the past 2 weeks! I did the deed AGAIN yesterday!

What is wrong?

Anyone want to play chart detective? Have a look!

The Big Drop

I was wrong. I guess I haven't Oed even though I have had the signs now for 2 weeks.

My temperature dropped big time this morning. We also didn't do any baby making. I just couldn't. So now it looks like we have to do it for sure tonight. I am about to throw my thermometer right out the window and quit!!!

What is up with my body?

Temping

I hate temping. But when I wasn't temping because I was pregnant I actually missed it. It is one of those habits like turning on your alarm clock or taking your vitamin.

I am at a very critical point in my cycle. Temping is crucial right now. Yesterday morning I woke up and realized that my thermometer was in the bathroom. I couldn't temp. I needed to know if I was ovulating or not. Not really for baby making but for peace of mind. I wanted to wake up Grumps but I knew that he wouldn't be happy.

I decided to get up and go to the bathroom and just take it from there. My temperature dropped a tad. It didn't jump like I needed it too. I thought that I would reinact it all this morning. I needed to see how much my temperature would drop from walking to the bathroom.

I took my temperature from bed first this morning. It had sky rocketed. I walked to the bathroom and did it again. It stayed the same. I guess that means I am ovulating today. We will have to baby make one more time tonight. It will be our 5th time this week. WRONG!!!

Not only am I a pregnancy detective who was right, I am a thermometer detective as well.

A Blue Week

This week has been a major blue week. I am so over the timed sex, temperature sticking, muscus checking. It hit me that I just wasn't ready for this. I cried the first time we tried this week. Of course I kept it from Grumps. Why should I make him worry?

I thought we were done with all of this.

I could barely keep it together this week. I felt like I was falling apart, unraveling, drowning, and suffocating. The weight was crushing on my chest.

I took baths to relax. I went on walks by myself. I spent time with God. Nothing seemed to really work. It must have been the prayers last night because I woke up finally feeling like me.

At one point this week early in the morning I decided that if we did not have our miracle by my due date we might just have to quit. I am not sure I can continue this roller coaster much longer.

Let's hope and pray that tonight will be the winner shot!

Raise Your Hand

Okay I have been wanting to do this for awhile.

Raise your hand if you are a part of this infertile club?

Just shoot out a comment.

I know there are many who read who don't comment. I am just curious.

I know that there are many who read who aren't part of this club. I AM SO GLAD! But I do thank you for your support and for reading. It is helping teach others to be sensitive and aware.

I know there are also many who read who used to be a part of this group. I want to hear from you too.

Don't be shy!

Night Time

I am asleep every night by 9 even on the weekends. There is something wrong with this picture. My eyes get so heavy that I can't even begin to hold them open anymore.

Today Grumps and I went for a walk. (I desperately need to lose this 'baby' weight.) He couldn't believe that I was asleep before he even came upstairs. We were trying to figure out the reason. It hit me, well it sort of has been lingering for a while in the back of my mind. I work so hard during my day to be normal and myself that by the time evening falls I am gone. I am just too exhausted to stay awake.

It takes so much energy to be normal. Anyone else feel this way?

Oprah

I emailed Oprah today. Crazy I know but it has been on my mind for a long time.

Infertility needs to be addressed. The world needs to know about us, the infertiles and what it is like to be in our shoes. There needs to be a level of sensitivity place on people. People speak before they think.

I am sure my little email will get lost among the millions but I needed to do my part. I believe she did a show in woman trying after 40. But there is more to it then that. I found a little article on her website about infertility. It didn't even scratch the surface.

Here is my little email. We all shall see if anything happens with it. Maybe it was a stupid idea. Who knows?

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years. We thought the road to a child would be an easy process. We had saved ourselves for marriage and truly believed that when the time was right we would get pregnant. We never thought we would be a part of the fast growing infertility community. I call infertility the silent disease. More people are talking about it now but for such a long time it was never talked about. I remember growing up and there being many couples without children. I just assumed that they didn't want kids. It never occurred to me that they couldn't have children. There are so many reasons for infertility. There are also so many different treatments and tests that women and men go through daily just to maybe have the hope for a child. I believe that it needs to be talked about more. I believe that women and men need to know that they aren't alone. They don't have to be ashamed. I also would like those who have not gone through infertility to try to understand what it is like. People can be so hurtful and insensitive without even realizing it. Maybe if they knew what it is like to desperately want a child they would reconsider their advice, opinions and comments. I know that just relaxing, getting a dog, beginning the adoption process or getting drunk one night will not give me a child. People just need to be aware of us, the infertility community. It is a fast growing community. On the internet there are many message support groups where women ban together for support and advice. There are also hundreds of blogs where women share their story. I began a blog a couple of years ago after feeling that others needed to know that they weren't alone and it was okay to be sad. There are some amazing stories that women share. The heartache is huge. I have read stories where women have tried for years and never gave up the fight. There are others who have had numerous miscarriages and yet continue to get up and go to work. Their stories inspire me. They show me the true strength and spirit of woman. Thank you for your time. I hope you will consider looking into doing a show about infertility. It needs to be talked about.

Alone Time

I took some time today to just be me and be alone. I skipped church. I needed to not be around people.

Last week I was out after work every night. Yesterday I was gone most of the day and night. In fact yesterday I woke up with a very heavy heart. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't have a choice and am glad I did get out but knew that I needed today to just be.

I busyed myself with a book, nap and tv time. I waited late into the day to shower. I put on clean pjs and got right back into bed. I plan to have a very quiet week. I need to get my mind prepared for the egg drop and the sperm launch.

They Entered Heaven

together...

When I was pregnant my mom told me of a girl at her church who was due the day before me. I immediatley felt a bond with her even though I had never met her.

After my miscarriage I continued to think about her and pray for her. One day my mom called to ask me to pray for a girl at her church who had just lost her baby to heaven. My heart broke for this person I had never met. I asked my mom if it was the girl whose baby was due the day before mine. She said yes.

I began to pray and cry for her. She was my bond. She was to have the baby since I lost mine to heaven. But she was walking in the same shoes that I am was walking in.

I have since emailed her and told my story. She told me her's.

Our baby's entered heaven together. She was 13 weeks when they realized her baby went to heaven 7 weeks before. Her baby went to heaven at 6 weeks just like my baby. Our babies turned into angels together.

One day I hope to meet A. I also hope to meet her baby in heaven. I am sure our babies are the best of friends since they entered heaven together.

Quiet Time

Thank you D for the beautiful worship music. It was my quiet time with God this morning on the way to work.

I was covered in His presence and felt renewed for the day. I worked very hard to keep all tears in my eyeballs and not down my face. We have to look good for work.

I will leave you with the words that will continue to repeat themselves throughout my head all day to give me strength.

"I will call on Him as long as I live!"

No doubt that is forever true! Even in the darkest nights or the brightest days I will call on Him the Maker of all!

She's HERE!!!

Aunt Flow started a party yesterday. She brought her friends along for the ride as well.

It has been so long since I have had her come visit. I have really missed her. I am hoping that this is her last visit though for a long time. I hope she leaves me with some luck!

I even pulled out the trusty old thermometer. I even remember before I bolted for the bathroom at 5am to grab 4 Advil. Let's all keep our fingers crossed for an excellent result at the end of this month!!!

Things My

Mother in Law has said.

"You might want to lose a little weight before you get pregnant again. You dont' want to start off fat."

"My d&c didn't hurt me." (Her's was for menopause reasons.)

After I shared my heart about letting people see God's strength she talked to us about repentence and then said, "That is my sermon for today." What does that mean? It is because of our sins?

And the best yet...

"You know after you have one miscarriage you are more likely to have 1, 2 or even three. I just want you to be prepared when you have your next one."

You just got to love her!

left out

I went to the mall yesterday to pick up a few things. I thought that I would go into the Christian book store to see if they had any good books on miscarrying or infertility. I have one good infertility book but was in the mood to read something else.

I find the section labeled Wellness and begin to look. I find books for your marriage, abuse, all different life issues. I finally get down on the floor and begin to look. There on the bottom self next to books for loss of a spouse and mother there are 2 books that fit what I am looking for.

The first book is about infertility. BUT it is a woman's journey. I am all about journeys. I am on one myself. That is what this blog is all about. But the book was put into chapters according to dates. I didn't feel like she really touched on anything. I wanted to be able to find a chapter and read it out of order. It just wasn't what I was looking for.

The other book was for those who have experienced miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, and young baby death. WOW! All of those are so different. Yes they all deal with death and loss but so very different on so many different levels. But it was cheap and I bought it. I also bought a book by Max Lucado dealing with loss.

As I was searching for books my heart was so sad. It was sad for me but really more for those who come searching. There were hundreds of books on marriage, singlehood, parenting, even addictions. I can see the couple coming in after a loss looking for the book to answer some questions or help them not feel so alone. I can see their faces when all they find is those 2 sad books stuck in between other books that don't even fit where they are.

Yes, I am sure I could go online and find books but I wanted a Christian book right in my hands right then. Yes, I could go to a big named bookstore and find books but I wanted a Christian prospective.

I felt left out.

The Biggest Fake

Man am I the biggest fake ever or what?

I know how to put the biggest smile on.

I have the "Yeah, Congratulations!" down pat!

I can make everyone think that I am just fine.

But when I get behind closed doors or in my car or in bed in the dark I fall apart.

I had one of those Fake Moments first thing this morning. One of my only good friends at work pulled me into my classroom before school started. I thought I had hurt her feelings or something from the way she looked at me. Then she started to tell me that she is pregnant.

I should have one an Academy Award. I was so good and putting on the fake. I told her that I was in a good place and would be fine. She cried. I hugged her and didn't even shed a tear. THAT is how good I am. She is 2 months pregnant, due in April, the month after me.

I received this wonderful news right before the kids came in. What great news to have hanging over your head all day. I didn't really let it sink in until my drive home after Back to School Night. I cried. I let the fake take a break.

I even faked it through her saying, "Yes it is a little early to be telling people and my son, BUT I have had 2 successful pregnancies without any problems. I am pretty sure that this will be just perfect. I don't ever have any problems." THANK GOD my kids starting coming in and I am not a person who takes things to heart like that.

But it did sting for just a minute as she left.

The pregnant girl on my team hasn't shut up a bit about her joy, boobs, belly, back, emotions, hunger, head, YOU NAME IT! Including baby. I fake it so well that she actually thinks I enjoy being a part of those conversations.

Anyone else want to join the BIGGEST FAKERS CLUB? We could have tshirts made!

Heart

I met with my friend's parents the other night. They wanted to visit with us. They too have a baby in heaven waiting on them.

We talked from our heart. We talked of God's faithfulness. We talked about being used by God.

The biggest part of the evening that really hit my heart so perfectly was our baby is like a heart on a necklace. We wear it wherever we go. It is always close to us.

Thank you for the gift that will always remind us of our little one who has our hearts. Thank you for the sweet words of comfort and encouragement.

Now It Begins

I got my first Parenting magazine today.

I tried to stop it.

I thought it worked.

I guess I was wrong.

I wonder if I will now get the coupons and diapers.

I get the emails.

Nothing I do stops them.

Anyone need a Parenting magazine? I am sure I will get one next month too.

Lost

In my last post I said, "lost her baby".

I HATE SAYING THAT!

I guess I said it because it wasn't about me. But when I talk about our baby I don't say lost. I might say miscarriage or even just talk as if she is still alive. (I believe in my heart it was a girl. We both wanted a little boy but I just knew it was a girl.) I also say, "When we were pregnant..."

Saying, "We lost the baby" is like we forgot it at the store and couldn't find it again.

I never lost it. She is so in my heart and in my thoughts all the time.

Today in church as our pastor talked of heaven, I imagined meeting my little one and crying tears of joy. I battled over there not being tears in heaven. I can't imagine not seeing my baby without crying.

Last night I fell asleep pretty early. Grumps made me go on this ridiculous hike. I was pretty beat. I remember waking up just barely as Grumps was settling in for bed. He opened my arms to hold the baby bear/blanket that Snaps gave us. I wish I could have seen his eyes. I am sure they would have been sad. I am sure he thought what I think every time I hold it. "I wish I was holding my baby."

I never lost my baby. I know exactly where she is. She is waiting for me.

Dreams

I dreamt of the nursery last night. I dreamt that I took Grumps shopping for everything. I had forgotten about the dream until I started shopping online for my new little nephew.

When I was pregnant my mom and I went 'shopping'. It was more like window shopping. My family doesn't live near us but I wanted my mom to feel part of it all. Since my brother's baby my mom calls many times during the week. She just wants to talk, chat or whatever. It is her way of making sure I know that it will be okay.

She emailed me to tell me that a girl at her church had lost her baby last week. She was 2 weeks after me. They have been trying for a couple of years. When my mom first told me about her it was when I was pregnant. She thought it was so cool to have someone in her church due around the same time as me. My heart broke to know that she lost her baby. I am sure my mom is taking care of her just like she would have taken care of me.

Back to my dream. I am holding onto it as a sign. What do you think? Doesn't it sound promising? I never dream baby dreams. I think it is my bodies way of letting me for once not think about it. But not last night. The night when I had the best sleep in forever I dreamt about the nursery.

Glory Baby

D, I believe this is your song. I found it the other day and had to share it with the rest of you. It is priceless.

Glory baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Talk

Today and I guess yesterday I really talked 'pregnant talk' with the pregnant girl on my team. I guess I have moved on a bit or at least disconnected myself with it all.

She is at 16weeks and really isn't showing. She is still wearing her old clothes. Today I saw her belly do a little pop at the end of the day but still. I look bigger than she does. At 8 weeks I really looked bigger and I am not that big. She is not that little either.

She is all worried. I tried to calm her fears. Of course bad thoughts were running through my head. SO BAD! She goes in for a check up next week. I thought it was for today. I told her this morning that I was praying for her. She has been on my mind. I would hate for her to have to go through a miscarriage. It truly is hell.

She wouldn't shut up about being pregnant and all that jazz today. She kept saying, "You know what I mean." Then she all of a sudden realized my situation. She knew it before but it finally hit. She felt awful. She kept apologizing. I told her that there wasn't a need for that. I was in a good place. Of course afterwards, while at home feeling sorry for myself, I hated her.

It is just really weird talking about what it feels like being pregnant when I am not anymore. Weird.

*Oh Grumps and I did the deed this weekend. It was good ole drunk sex. I was positive that Aunt Flow was on her way. Guess what? I oed the next day. WHAT THE HECK? Fingers crossed all is well no matter the outcome in a couple of weeks. Trying not to worry.

Precious Child

I have spent a lot of time on Fertility Friend helping and getting help from others during this loss. Today I found this song. It was perfect.

PRECIOUS CHILD

Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Just a Memory

The flowers are all dead.

Everything is put away.

The only things left of those 8 weeks are a sweet picture in my room and the memories.

*Not sure why comments are showing up. I didn't want them.

Relating

I am a talker. I try to relate to everyone. I love the be apart of the conversation. Lately at work I have been surrounded by pregnant people. Okay, not that many but enough to be in the middle of the conversation.

I hear, "Man, it sure is hard not to drink being pregnant." "My boobs have just gotten so big." "I am so tired."

Guess what comes to my mind? Oh me too! But wait, not anymore. I have almost started talking about being pregnant so many times. I don't fit into that circle anymore. I have nothing to show for my 8 weeks. I feel stupid giving my 10 cents.

The other day, one of the girls on my team asked if anyone had a spare mattress. I spoke up, "Oh we do. My husband has been wanting to get rid of it. It is old but we do." Then reality came and I realized that we won't be taking down the spare bedroom for the nursery this month. I had to tell her that I forgot, we will still be using it for a bit. UGH!

Anyone else feel like they don't fit in anymore?

Bittersweet

I got a call from my mom a couple of days ago letting me know that they were driving down to my brother's. His wife was going to have their baby some time this weekend. The thought was bittersweet.

I got a call yesterday letting me know that they were on their way to the hospital. My brother called later in the evening to tell me that she was at 4 cm. This entire time my heart was heavy for me. I hate that! At 3:30 am my mom calls to tell me that the little one was born. They were blessed with a boy with a head of blond hair.

This morning my mom calls me to tell me more details. I listened. I asked questions. I pretended to be totally excited. In my heart of hearts I am for them. I am excited. I can't even fathom my little brother being a father. BUT I can see his face and his tears and his smile. I can see how proud he must be. I know that he will be wonderful but my heart is once again heavy.

When I got off the phone I tried very hard to wrap my brain around it. I tried hard not to cry. Not to feel sorry for myself. This isn't about me. It is about them. They deserve happiness. Noone deserves to have heartache and pain and loss.

I am thankful that we don't live near them. We have the perfect reason not to see the baby. Actually we aren't even sure when we will see them next. Christmas is still up in the air for us. Should we go on a trip? Should we stay home? Should we go see family? I guess it all depends when we get pregnant again.

I will try very hard to be a good sister and sound happy. I will try very hard to keep it together today when we go hang out with friends and their kids. I will try very hard not to feel sorry for myself. I will try very hard to not get the blahs.

Life sure is bittersweet!

Making It

Just wanted to pop in to let everyone know that I am making it.

My days are long.

I have a cold.

Yesterday was very emotional.

I heard "How was your summer?" over 50 times.

I lied in each response.

I have a pregnant girl on my team due just a couple of weeks before I would have been.

She drove me crazy at first.

She is growing on me.

I am exhausted.

I am just coasting.

Barely making it.

I told my administration.

She was helpful and very glad that I confined in her.

I cried off and on all day yesterday.

Today I was numb.

I will make it!

Back to Work

I am going back to work today. School is finally starting up. BOOOO HISSSS!!!!

Can you tell how excited I am?

This summer didn't go the way I had planned. It started out great. I had fun with my friends and granny. I got wonderful news that I was pregnant. I got to enjoy feeling pregnant. We visited family and then it just all went bad.

I feel like the summer was tainted. I really would like a redo. I wouldn't trade being pregnant but something had to be better.

I haven't really spoken to anyone from work this summer. Two people from my team know. I plan to tell my administrators today just so they know why I might be acting different or whatever. I am sure someone will come up to me and say, "How are things going on the baby front?" or "How are you feeling these days?" OR "Are you pregnant? I just thought you would be this summer."

I plan to reply to all of the above with "Well, we were pregnant and I had a miscarriage two weeks ago. We are blessed to have been pregnant and plan to start trying again once I get my cycle." I will then say, "How was your summer?"

I hope to make people feel bad for being so insensitive. Oh well, I work with teachers, what do you expect!

To Be Happy

To Be Happy by Sara Evans

If I had one wish, I would wish for two
For me and you to be happy
With the way things are, sometimes gets hard
But, we've come so far to be happy

Yeah, don't think that I'm complaining
Sometimes it keeps on raining
Oh but don't be frightened by thunder and lightning
The sun comes out and the flowers grow
And you find you're already on the road to be happy
If I had one prayer to pull out of thin air
Everyone, everywhere would be happy
We'd hand out Valentines, I'd be yours, you'd be mine
There's a place, there's a time to be happy

Well we fuss and we fight
We can't see the light
We wake up and decide
We don't need to be right to be happy

Don't think that I'm complaining
Sometimes it keeps on raining
Oh but don't be frightened by thunder and lightning
The sun comes out and the flowers grow
And you find you're already on the road to be happy
If I had one prayer to pull out of thin air
Everyone, everywhere would be happy
We'd hand out Valentines, I'd be yours, you'd be mine
There's a place, there's a time to be happy

My prayer for all of us is to be happy. To have our dreams come true. To have our babies in our arms. To find true love. To be truly happy. I can find happiness without a child but I sure long for one like never before.

*D and I this song is for you!

Pregnacy Detective

Yes I am a pregnancy detective. I am pretty good at it. There are times I make up a story in my head and am totally wrong. I think I do that for self preservation. It is my way of getting myself ready for the news even when there is no news to share.

I watch signs of bellies. Are they getting bigger? How are those clothes fitting? Once I even thought this older woman was pregnant. I told a friend and she thought I was on crack. She said that she has always had a belly. I swore up and down that it now looked pregnant. She probably is in menopause. HA! But I was so sure.

I watch for signs of change in habits. Are they drinking? What are they drinking? What are they eating or not eating? How much are they eating? Do they look green? Are they going to the bathroom a million times in an hour span? I went to a happy hour with friends one day. One of my friends didn't drink anything. She usually is right there with me on the consumption level. She only had water. I was positive she had news to share but was holding out. She even didn't act like herself. Ummm months went by and she never shared any news. She wasn't pregnant. I am still waiting though even though a year has gone by.

I watch for the look. You know the look. The look of pity. The look of nervousness. The look of fear. All of these looks only happen when they are around you. They are thinking, "How do we break the news to them?" I have had it broken to me in person, privately at my home. I have been told at a bar. I had many drinks that night after the news. I have been told by the phone, through email, or through someone else. All of them are tough to swallow. I just try to be one step ahead of them at all times.

Anyone else watch the signs? Anyone else a skilled pregnancy detective? I should hire my skills out to other infertiles.

The Up's and Down's

This week has been full of up's and down's. During the day I am feeling good, flying high, holding tight and almost feeling normal. Then it doesn't take long for a comment, a belly, maternity clothes at Target, a tv show, whatever... to drop to a low.

When I drop I just got blah. I don't cry. Even though I wish I could. I just tune out. Grumps has caught me doing it a couple of times. I have some friends who can see it too. I hate it when I get there. The whole day felt normal and then it turns sour.

Yesterday everywhere I looked there were perfect little pregnant bellies. I turn my head quickly in hopes that my brain didn't register the site. HA! It doesn't work like that. Target had the best clothes all season. I didn't mean to even see them but they were on the edge where I had to walk. I stared as a pregnant woman with a tiny belly tried a jacket on. I almost lost it there.

I got a phone call last night from my sister in law thanking me for the baby gift that I sent. She is due in 2 weeks. Thank the Lord we live hundreds of miles away. The last time I had spoken to her was with our good news of being pregnant. I could hear the sadness in her voice as she asked how I was doing. I am the best liar in the world. "GREAT!!! School starts next week. We are having a karaoke party here tomorrow night. Everything is going well." You could tell that she was taken aback. I just wanted to avoid the entire topic all together. It worked! I not only am a master at liar I rock at ending a phone conversation.

Finally I went upstairs to watch Windfall. It has been one of my favorite shows all summer. Of course the stupidest character gets pregnant. Not only does it show her going to the doctor, it shows her u/s. First of all, she is too early to have an external u/s done to her. Secondly the baby looked to be at 12 weeks or more. Impossible. Finally she heard the heartbeat. LOUD! I cried. We didn't get that pleasure.

Does anyone have a clue when the ups and downs will end? I doubt they will ever be over. I don't even think getting pregnant will take care of them. I am sure I will be so worried then that the downs will appear just like they are now. It just drives me nuts how sudden they hit. I can't do anything to stop them! Vicadin anyone! I have 3 left!

The Hope Chest

Today was cleaning day. My house had just fallen a part. We are having a karaoke party here on Friday. I needed to get things in order. It felt good to clean house for once.

I started vaccuming the upstairs and realized that the maternity clothes and sweet cards that I had thrown down the hall to 'the room' needed to be picked up. So I picked them up and decided to just put it all away. One by one I placed things in my hope chest. I thought that I would have cried and though about it all. I would have held each item in my hand and thought about our baby. I didn't. I just put them all in the chest, closed it and moved on. Scary.

I did keep out our only picture of our baby. I just couldn't put it in the chest to leave forever. It is now in my room. It isn't super close but close enough that I know that it is there. I wonder if Grumps will notice. And if he does I wonder if he will say anything. Probably not. He is trying to move on too.

My Crazy Brain

My brain is on the fritz. It doesnt' work the way it is suppose to work these days. I can't concentrate. When I do I lose it so fast that I forgot what I was thinking about before. I try to remember things and that is impossible. There is just a big blank space.

At night I go to bed and begin to pray through my mental list when all of a sudden I am not praying any more. I am off in lala land lost. Not asleep but just lost.

When I talk at times my words come out so mushed or incomplete. I have to have a translator to help me get my thoughts across.

I need a fresh brain. I clean start. I guess I will just blame it all on hormones, grieving... When will it go back to normal?

Now a Dream

I wanted to post this song for my baby. Now I post it for my miracle to be.

Things We've Handed Down

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But we could only go so far

Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
There someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can

Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl

Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade

And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed

By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

Marc Cohn

Not Alone

It is amazing how sometimes you just feel so alone in your pain but when you look up from it all you see that you aren't the only one here.

A couple of nights ago Grumps had to go to bed early. I wasn't in the mood for tv. I had my book down in the basement with me but it didn't sound fun either. So I began to search and read blogs from other blogs. I found some amazing woman with very sad stories. I sat at my computer and cried and cried and cried. I cried for me but I mainly cried for them. I have added some new blogs to my sidebar.

In my real life I have many friends who have gone through this awful journey. Some are still on it and totally grieve with me. Others have been on it and have moved onto my dream journey. But the look in their eyes and the hugs that they give speak millions. They have walked in my shoes and can still remember that awful pain.

I also have friends who haven't gone through this and I am glad for them. It is very hard for them to watch me stumble along on my journey. They try so hard to help carry me. I am very grateful for them. I can see in their eyes the pain as well. It is the pain for me. They feel lost at what to say and do but they have done an amazing job. I am so proud of their courage.

I am so glad I am not alone. Being alone on this journey would be a place where I just don't know if I could make it one step further. But most of all I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father who has walked this journey before me and is ALWAYS there for me.

*Thanks D for the talk and wine today. I needed it more than words! LOVE YOU!

Sanitary Napkins

I am sitting here at my computer with a WONDERFUL glass of wine. This is one of the only reasons I can be glad that I am not pregnant. I truly missed drinking. But that is for another post on another day.

Yes, I am wearing sanitary napkins or pads for short. I had to go and buy them the day there was no heartbeat. I took I along with me to figure out just what I needed. I haven't worn pads since I started my period almost 20 years ago. WOW I am sure old! I had no clue what I was buying. I just didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night covered in blood. I had an awful picture from one of my favorite books stuck in my mind every night when I would go to bed.

So I bought Always ultra thin with wings for day and also the HUGE DIAPER ones for night. I HATE pads. I hate them with a passion. I feel like I am wearing a diaper. There are times that I can actually hear it move around and make that awful embarrassing sound. I even warned my friends about it at times.

Well this morning I went to put the freaking pad on and actually read what was on the little paper that sticks to the wings. Have a Happy Period! WHAT THE HECK!!! Of course I couldn't stop laughing but truly who has a happy period? Who decided on that great marketing idea? A man?

I told Grumps about it tonight when I went to change it again. Sorry for all the changing of pads but I truly hate them with a passion. DIRTY DIRTY THINGS! Grumps couldn't stop laughing at the thought of it saying, Have a Happy Period! He started thinking of other ways to use period as their marketing tool. His favorite was, "Every month ends in a period!"

Has anyone else noticed that little saying on their pads?

*As I was looking for pictures for this blog I actually found a website where you can make your own. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?!!

The Art of Coasting

I went to church today. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in bed. The thought of seeing the faces of so many who know what happened to me just made me uncomfortable.

Grumps had to work so I would be walking in alone. I timed it perfectly. I didn't want to go to the cafe for breakfast where I would sit around and have to engage in small talk. I walked into the building with a look of purpose on my face. I didn't allow eye contact to happen. I looked for my friends who I always sit with and beelined right to them.

I could feel the eyes on me. I know that it means that I am loved but I just didn't want to break down in front of the world. Before the music began I got a big hug from my friends mother in law. Tears welled up and I just laughed it all off and quickly asked her if she would take me in as one of her daughters. I turned to the other side and caught eyes with someone else. It wasn't a matter of seconds when I felt a cheek touching mine and a quick kiss. I was proud of her for not going on and on about me and her experience. The timing was perfect for the music to begin.

After the music I knew that people were thinking, How Can I get to Her? I just coasted by. I would get a quick hug and coast right by. I was trying hard to get to the bathroom but ran into many of my dear friends.

More hugs came. More "I am doing okay" came out. BUT I perfected the art of coasting. I am a pro at changing the subject. Moving the conversation along or just ending them. It felt good to be loved but it felt good to hold the control.

Mommy's Love Goes With You

I found this today. It couldn't have been more perfect.

Forgetting

The other day after visiting the room I came back to bed to find that I was forgetting my little one. I was forgetting the entire experience. I felt lost.

Last weekend when I was trying to cope with the news I began to push everything away. I believe I was just trying to forget to just deal with the now. My friend D asked me if that was what I was doing, trying to forget. It caught me off guard for a bit but I told her that I guess I was trying to do that. I was trying to just cope. Forgetting was coping. I just wanted to move on and start over and not hurt.

That moment when I couldn't remember anything I just cried in Grumps arms. I was scared that I would not remember my little one and the amazing experience that we had for 8 weeks. Grumps was just precious. He held me and began to retell me all that had happened. He reminded me of my little belly that was popping and how I loved to rub it. He just whispered it all to me in the dark while I cried holding the bear blanket as if I was holding my little one. We both went to sleep in tears that night. I vowed not to ever push it all away into the dark parts of my mind again. I needed to grieve and remember and not forget so that I could heal.

I still am not sure what I will do with our little picture. It is in a beautiful frame from a friend. We had planned to update that frame with each new picture we received. Now the picture and frame are in the room. Do I bring it into my room? Do I just let it go? I truly am torn. Maybe I need to wait a bit longer to decide. But everytime I close my eyes I see my little one with its precious heart beating away.