'Normal'

Sometimes I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't have issues. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn't have to be treated differently.

I hate the looks that I get. I hate how people don't know what to say. I do feel sorry for them for being in their situation but man, I feel stupid because I put them there.

Now that everyone is getting pregnant and passing me up, even lapping me, it is even worse.

I know that they care. If they didn't care they wouldn't be sensitive. They wouldn't worry about me but trust me, it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel like I don't fit in. The pity drives me crazy. It drips from their eyes and mouth. You can almost see it as it just oozes.

It is amazing how little things alter the normal life. How they alter a friendship or a circle of friends. It all just baffles me.

I WANT LIFE TO BE 'NORMAL'!!!!!

The Morning Cure

For the past 4 days I have gotten up to exercise. I decided that all I needed to do was quit hitting the snooze and playing on my computer and get up 10 minutes earlier. I can't believe how much better I feel in the morning. I don't have that hang over feeling from not sleeping well. I actually have energy.

I decided that I wasn't happy with how my body looked. All I did was complain about it. Grumps got very tired of hearing about it. SOOOOO after watching Sarah Jessica Parker look so good in Failure to Launch I knew I needed to take charge of something.

My chart is not going anywhere. My Aunt Flow might never show again. I have to turn things around somewhere. No more old woman body! I want my old body back.

Doing the Deed

Doing the deed hurts way too much! Boy, I need to have a few drinks in me for it to even consider it next time.

I think I need an ice pack now! I sure hope it was worth the pain.

Getting Back to Normal

Today the weather was just perfect. 70's and breezy. I got to pull out some cooler clothes. I actually felt naked not having long pants and a sweater on.

I took my kids outside to write under the tree beside my classroom. The sun warmed my spirit.

On my drive home I put the windows down, stuck my arm out and sang to my loud music. It felt so perfect. It felt so normal. It felt so good.

It has been a while since I felt 'normal'. Sleep hasn't been great and neither has life. Last night I slept so good. I woke up feeling so at ease. My temperature is beginning to look normal again. My hot flashes are dying down. I actually fell like doing the deed.

God is good. He sure knew that I needed this! Thank you for your prayers. Let's hope that this trend continues.

Another Angel

Another angel is in heaven.

Today another angel entered heaven. It's mommy and daddy were left here on earth. Their hearts are just so sad.

My friend I wish there were words to comfort you. Words to take away your pain. I wish a wipe of a hand could make all of this over, go away. There is nothing anyone can do. I just wish you didn't have to hurt. I wish you didn't have to experience despair. It is an ugly thing.

Rest in God's arms tonight. Rest in His strength. Curl up in His lap and sleep in His peace. Let Him carry your load. Let Him take away your pain.

Just remember, you are not alone, even if you feel like you are.

I love you!

When It Rains it Poors

This month has really been a dozy.

Grumps mom being sick.

Me having my own issues.

My brother's news...

Now a friend just had a miscarriage.

STOP with all the rough times!~

That's It...

My little brother and his wife are pregnant!

I quit!

Preggos and Sermons

Another Sunday, another morning filled with pregnant bellies everywhere. It seems that it is a sickness these days. I haven't seen this many bellies since trying to get pregnant first got tough. Even Grumps noticed it today. Pretty soon the nursery where I help out will be filled with new borns wailing away. At one moment I was in the presence of 4 pregnant ladies. Man it got overwhelming.

I have thought of taking a break from the nursery. Taking a break from it all. Grumps thinks it would be great to have our Sundays longer to just be lunch. That would mean cutting out Sunday lunch with friends. We have been having Sunday lunches for almost 2 years. It would also mean that those little ones that love me so will be missing me. I know that sounds crazy but there are at least two that really need me in the nursery. The really bad thing would be that when Grumps is gone I probably won't go to church. I won't have a reason to make me go. I have thought about this break over and over again for the past year.

I know, you all will say, "Do what is best for you. Take care of yourself. Give yourself a break." I am just not sure.

I think you will enjoy this little part of church today. Part of the sermon. The pastor was talking about reconciliation, being peace makers. He said that we need to be right with God. We need to abide in Him. I totally agree with all of that. Then he gave an illustration. We need to be intimate with God. He and his wife cultivated their relationship and strived towards intimacy. In doing so they created 3 beautiful girls. The girls are the fruit of the intimate relationship. The love that they have for each other.

With that being said, not having children shows how a relationship isn't intimate? I know that isn't what he meant but that is how it came off. Even Grumps heard it.

I know I have been very cynical these days. My attitude hasn't been the best. I am sure you are tired of my funk that I am in. I am sorry.

Today in the nursery the conversation was all about being pregnant and babies and what not. The typical conversation. I was bad and put a damper on it all with my problems. What a kill joy. But it did make me smile. I am awful these days. For those of you who temp, mine have leveled off for the past week. Maybe things are on the up for me!

Related

Have you been watching Related on WB?

It started out as a cute sister show. Now it is more of a drama. The oldest sister is going through a miscarriage. It is affecting her entire life, especially her marriage. I have never been through that but do know what hurt and longing feel like.

This week she found a dog on the sidewalk. Of course the dog had an owner. It was a foofoo dog. When the owners came to take it, she tried to trade furniture for it. She didn't want to lose anything else.

In the end her husband bought her a dog for her birthay. All that being said, I just love my dog. I know how she feels. Having an animal has taken a little bit of the void. Itsy keeps me busy. She gives me love. She is still not my miracle baby but it SOOOO helps.

The show does make you sad if you are going through infertility BUT it is nice to see characters on tv dealing with real life issues.

Grumps

When I got first met Grumps he had never been around children before in his life. He was so uncomfortable with them. I, on the other hand, LOVED kids. I knew that kids were my life.

Now that many years have passed Grumps has totally changed.

Tonight we babysat Little Bit, K's son. He actually is spending the night with us. Grumps turned into Super Dad. He fixed dinner, hot dogs and macci cheese. It was the best dinner ever.

The best part was watching Grumps teach him how to play hockey and shout, SCORE! They were so cute. Little bit would fall into Grumps lap and then they both would laugh and hug. MAN, that makes me desire to have children even more.

Grumps is going to be an amazing dad.

He is so wise and full of the desire to learn. He wants to impart that onto our children. Grumps plays hard. He loves to have a good time. He is the biggest kid! His heart is sensitive and caring. I want my children to learn from him. I want Grumps to be able to be a dad and to help me mold them.

I am amazed at Grumps tonight.

The Cure

The cure for the baby blues: stay busy, body and mind. When you are busy like that you don't have time to think about how much you wish you were pregnant or had a child.

Try it sometime!

Here

It is amazing how a busy life can take your mind off of where you are on this journey.

Until your hot flashes bring you back to reality!

The Long Road To Nowhere

I feel like I am going nowhere. I know that I am working towards a great goal. I know that I still have to wait and wait. My cycle still hasn't began. I keep feeling little knocks, pinches, bites, pms, HOT FLASHES.

All of this waiting has put me into a nice funk. I keep eating and mopping around. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I know that this is part of the journey but it is GETTING OLD!!!

The other day on my way to small group I told Grumps that if one more person in my close circle of friends gets pregnant I will have to just bow out for awhile I know that is selfish but I am at my wits end.

I Will Listen

Hard as it seems
Standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I
Wanted to try
Would I remember how
I don't know the way to go from here
But I know that I have made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

This is the faith
Patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see
Still we believe
Jesus is very near
I can not imagine what will come
But I've already made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Could it be that He is only waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams
that He has dreamed for me
Can't imagine what the future holds
But I've already made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice

Twila Paris

*This is where I am right now. Waiting!

The Old Woman

A couple of day ago on the news I quickly saw a nice little news blurb. I went in search for it to share more in detail but I couldn't find it at all. So now it is hearsay from me.

A 65ish year old woman gives birth to a baby. She has been married to the father for the past 7 years. She has 10 children from her previous marriage. She wanted to create life with her new husband. They had 'treatments' in order to have this child.

When seeing the new mother and hearing of the story I was just really disturbed and bothered. Did she need this child? Why did she have a child at that age and 10 others from before and I haven't been able to have just one?

I say all of this for all of you out there. I am sure you were hot too. Is it right? Is it fair? Should I even ask those questions?

Mind Games

First I feel like all of my titles are all repeating themselves. I just needed to put that out there.

I am having mind game problems. I have been crampy all week with my back really hurting. I thought that it all meant that I would be starting a cycle. I was super excited to think that now I really can start trying again.

Well what I am feeling just isn't normal. My back feels as if I have been lifting weights. NOT, I have been doing nothing of the such. My belly is no longer crampy but very pinchy and nauseous. So the mind games begin.

I am going to stop these games tomorrow morning. I bought a test. Yes, a dreadful test. I just want to know so I can stop playing 'what if's'. You know the kind. I start dreaming that I am pregnant. I start thinking about how I will tell everyone. Who will I tell first? Calling Iris first thing in the morning with the news. Getting on my message boards. I have been daydreaming all day.

So tomorrow all games will stop! I will either have my dream of a Big Fat Positive OR I will get the dreaded Big Fat Negative. At least my mind can rest. Fingers crossed!!!!

March of the Penguins

For Valentine's Grumps and I got take-out and watched movies by the fire.

I love just having down time. We don't do it often enough together.

One of the movies we watched was March of the Penguins. As I watched it I was mesmerized. It was just precious.

But it was so hard to watch. I decided that if you have infertility issues DON'T watch it.

Penguins died. Eggs were lost, cracked, and left to tousle about. Mom's worked hard. Dad's worked even harder. Then the babies came. It just broke my heart. The music was perfect and so was Morgan Freeman's voice.

But the heartache is there. I have decided that it is always there. Almost every commercial or tv show. The heart of many songs. The relationships that we have. The work place. Heartache thrives in all areas of my life. I have an empty place.

I want my own penguin. So silly but I do!

Snow Angels

It snowed on Monday. I love it when it snows. I love the fact that I have no school when it snows. I love watching it fall and the peace that it blankets over the earth. I love watching Itsy's fascination. I love hearing the kids play in the snow. The screams and yells.

But... when I do hear those kid noise, my heart hurts.

I love to play in the snow myself. I never had it growing up so I turn into a HUGE kid. But with Grump's job, he isn't always home. I have been told to go out and play alone.

First of all, only weirdos play alone in the snow, even kids. :)

Secondly, even when Grumps plays with me in the snow, we still look weird.

I told Grumps as we were throwing each other around in it the other day how I so would love to have a kid to play in the snow with. We would have so much fun. Grumps and I are just kids at heart. We make snowmen, angels, and snowball fights. We play and laugh and get cold and wet.

One day, my little one will make angels with me in the snow.

Trying To Conceive Woes

Man, does it ever hurt without lubricant.

I think I need an ice pack now!

Sex

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My Ovaries

Are Stretching and saying "Good Morning 2006!"

or it could just be gas.

I am hoping for the stretching!

They're Back!!!

For some reason this title sounds familiar. I think I have used it before.

The hot flashes are back! They are double but they are back. Grumps said, "I thought that they were gone forever."

He also said, "When are you going to be fertile again?"

When was I ever fertile? I think he meant, "When will you be ovulating?" I didn't correct him. I just showed him my chart.

The questions are coming out of everyone's mouth.

When can you start trying?

What is your next course of action?

IVF?

IUI?

Drugs?

What does the doctor say?

When do you go to the doctor again?

When will you get a cycle?

I am loved. I truly know that I am. That is why everyone asks all the questions. But the truth is, I have no answers. I am in the lovely wait again! This time it seems harder than the last wait.

My Words

The News

How do you take the news?

*Hide in the work bathroom and cry your eyes out.

*Get the email and scream at your computer then cry your eyes out.

*Drink until you can't drink anymore. At least you can still drink!

*Call a friend to cry with.

*Go out on the town and try to forget your worries.

*Celebrate with your friend then feel sorry for yourself afterwards.

*Just become numb to it all.

Of course I have been in each of those situations. Now that it has been a while, I find myself taking the news better each time besides last week. That just doesn't count.

How do you take the news or have taken the news? The more dramatic the better.

Renting My Blog Out

I am renting my blog out! Take a peek at my renter on my sidebar.

I am always up for something fun to get my mind of everything.

Piddling on the internet is the best way to solve anyone's problem or maybe ice cream.

Back in the Saddle Again

We are back in the saddle again.

Man it was a rough ride tonight!!!

I have a lot of breaking in to do.

I hope the rides start to go smoother real quick!

The Joys of Trying to Conceive

I am sure you all have been here during this part of the journey, being lied to in order to save your feelings.

Grumps just informed me that one of our friends is pregnant. Her husband called to let us know so that when we see her tomorrow at their Superbowl party we won't be shocked. That's right she is showing because she is over 20 weeks.

Ummm as I did some counting that would mean that when we were there for Thanksgiving she was pregnant. That would explain the reason she wasn't drinking. She told me it was because of some meds she was on. They made her feel bad when she drank. Hmmmm I thought that was suspicious but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Lovely LIES! I would rather just have someone tell me to my face that they are pregnant. I am sure it is hard for them to get those words out knowing where Grumps and I have been and are but lying isn't going to help. Being pregnant isn't like a cold. I doesn't go away.

So guess what I did when Grumps told me that she was pregnant and we were going over to their house super early for the game? Yep that is right, cried like a baby. Grumps was a little tipsy from drinks that I had been making him. He thought the whole thing was funny. Man, it just made it worse for me. He thought I was pathetic.

I didn't want to go to their house to begin with. It will be 8 guys including Grumps and me and the wife with her 2 kids. She is a stay at home mom, which I think is amazing but we only have tv in common. Now we get to talk about her being pregnant and how I am not . I also get to play with 2 kids. My whole Sunday is going to suck.

You like my nice attitude? Grumps solution was for me to just not go. How do you not go after you said that you would? He said that I can just 'get sick'. Not sure how that will work either. I guess I can start praying for the pukes or the cold that I have been wanting all year to hit me tonight.

I HATE THIS!!!

On a side note, my party was super fun last night. Drinks, food and karaoke was a blast. Now the pressure is on to reproduce. I had told Grumps that we would have some fun tonight. I think I killed that desire for both of us when I started crying and Grumps just kept walking away.

Can I say it again? I HATE THIS!!!

Fortune Cookie

Today was a work day so I actually got to go out to eat. Chinese buffet was on everyone's mind.

At the end of the really good lunch we get the check plus our fortune cookies.

I am not a fortune believer but I always read mine. Today's was so me, except that I lost it. So here is the revised version:

You will get your dream that have wished for soon!~

It sure put a HUGE smile on my face and everyone elses at the table!

Fear

Last night I was laying in bed with thoughts running like crazy in my head. Fear had a dark blanket over me.

You think I would be totally excited about trying again for our miracle. I mean, I am. But I am also scared. The unknown is just so scary.

I never thought that I would say this but the past 9 months has been a blessing. Yes, it sucked, but it was such a safe place for us. There were no disappointments. No 'surprises'. There weren't any crying bathroom moments. It has been nice to be free from all the things that trying to concieve bring.

I don't want to have all the what ifs start in my head but they have. I try so hard not to consume myself with all of that but last night it just wouldn't shut up. I ended up laying there in the darkness talking to God.

"God, hold me tight. Don't let me go. I am scared. Alone. I need you more than ever. Hold me tight. I am shaking on the inside. Fear is taking over me. I need you. I need your strength. I need your peace. I need you to hold me tight. Hold me tight. Oh please hold me tight."

I have prayed that prayer a million times in the past 3 years. But each time seems like the first time.

I did finally fall asleep. I don't even remember doing it. Grumps had come in late for bed with Itsy. We talked. He got into bed. Itsy cuddled with me and then off to sleep I went. I thank God for holding me tight last night!

Skipping Church

We are skipping church on Sunday. It is the Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. Guess what that means?

BABIES!!! Baby dedications.

It also means that our pastor will be preaching on The Right To Bear Children as part of his marriage teachings. I am sure he will give loads of wisdom to those who have children but it is too much for my heart.

I always feel stupid for missing these Sunday's. Grumps thinks that I can handle it but I know what I can and can't. When I see pictures of babies or babies being prayed over, it just hurts too much. When someone preaches on the family, I tune out. I begin doodling instead of listening.

One day it will be me and Grumps on the stage with our little miracle, dedicating 'it' to the Lord. I just hope that day is sooner than later. I don't want to have to miss another church service because my heart can't take it anymore.

Package

Dr. Anita Lay has arrived at my door today in a package!

Grumps told me that he needed his vitals checked!

I told him that he will have to just wait!

2 more weeks!

The Planning

The planning for this party has begun. I spent a big chunk of time this morning online looking for 'sex' drinks. I found a slew of them.

I read them off to Grumps. He pretty much wanted to cover his ears. He kept saying my name, wanting me to stop.

The names of the drinks are pretty risky. But how fun will it be to have a Dirty Silk Panty or a Nipple on Fire!

I am still on the look out for some good food ideas. I have fondu, meatballs, sausages and things like that.

If you have any fun ideas for this party to kick us back into the trying to concieve mode, let me know!

Homerun!

This morning was spent searching for some good lingerie.

Less than 3 more weeks! I need something to give me the nerve to...

I am not happy that one site just won't work. I found the best "outfit" that there is.

Oh well....

I don't think it will take much!

Almost a bottle of wine and we already made a HOMERUN!

A Good Mood

Today should have been a bad day.

*I stayed up too late and was super tired.
*There was major fog driving to work.
*The fog caused drivers to be super stupid.
*The day turned out beautiful causing my class to be wild and crazier than normal.

But I was in such a good mood. I was in such a daze on my way to work. My brain was filled with the music from my iPod. Then it moved to my little rows of hormones. I have 3 rows left. Then I got excited. Only 3 more weeks.

I started planning my No More Lupron Party. I had the kareoke, drinks, fondu and added food, pjs and just real fun. I thought about party favors and just couldn't stop getting excited.

I am going to start looking for some good sexy things to spice up the ttc. We have been living in the Forsaken Land for so long.

I got to school with a skip in my step, a smile on my face, and Jennifer Love Hewitt's Barenaked song coming from my lips.

I have a lot to smile about!

The Countdown

The countdown has really begun. I am in my last month of wait.

The questions have started. The plans are being asked about. The excited others have has begun.

I on the other hand haven't been thinking about it. I mean I do think about it, but I don't. I talked to Grumps about it yesterday and he was with me. We don't want to set ourselves up for disappointment. We have been down that road and it wasn't too pretty.

Here is the plan:

Pray for Lupron to leave quickly and my cycle to start up. It has been almost 9 months since I have had one.

Start taking my temperature looking for that lovely spike yelling, "Get your groove on!"

Prenatals!

Relieving Grumps frustrations over and over again hoping to SCORE!

The Long term plan:

Not sure! IUI, Meds? IVF has even been thrown around. Adoption is a long ways off.

There you have it! 3 weeks 4 days until the meds are 'gone'.

My Shifting Weight

I got on the scale this morning for the first time in weeks. I am starting my weight loss with Weight Watchers and work out with Tae Bo today. I assumed that I would have really gained the weight since my clothes don't fit at all.

NOPE! I mean I have gained a little since I started being lazy and bad. But I really didn't gain weight. It all just shifted. I know I have talked about how the hormones and Lupron have been so bad. This is proof. My body is not the same.

Maybe Tae Bo today will do something about the shift and just shift it back for me!

2oo5 in Review

I found this today on someone's blog. I thought, I never do anything fun over here in journey land. Why not?

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Became a menopausal woman
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I try really yard. Of course I had to make some.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, many online friends. :)
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, a good family friend.
5. What countries did you visit?
Jamaica
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Ha! Easy, a baby.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 4th, I turned the big 30!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying strong!
9. What was your biggest failure?
Jealousy
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lots of illness, endometriosis
11. What was the best thing you bought?
iPod and Mattress Genie
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Trent for taking care of me or at least ignoring my stupid moods.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine
14. Where did most of your money go?
My health
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Turning 30 and partying like a ROCKSTAR!
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Hollaback Girl
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?
A little of both
thinner or fatter?
Fatter.
richer or poorer?
Little richer, not much.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drinking
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family.
21. How many one-night stands?
Nope, just good ole Grumps
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy and Prison Break
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No
24. What was the best book you read?
I really don't remember.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Rent
26. What did you want and get?
Lots of support
27. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Chronicles of Narnia
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Toured wineries in a limo with my closest friends. 30!!!
29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
To not to have been 'sick' and to be med free
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Add a little sass with the shoes
31. What kept you sane?
Small Group, Wednesday Night's and my online groups
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No one this year.
33. What political issue stirred you the most?
lack support
34. Who did you miss?
Iris
35. Who was the best new person you met?
Olga Holliday
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
It is all about God and His timing. With His timing when it is not yours, you learn to grow and live in compassion.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And thought my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

38. What was your drink of choice?
Strawberry margaritas and champagne


For some reason this survey was missing 3 questions in the middle. It made the numbers off. I couldn't have that. I added one more question to make it even. HA!

They're Back

That is right, my hot flashes are back. They are mild but they are here. It makes my heart sad. What will come next?

A Heart Message

I recently decided to start writing in a journal just for my secret thoughts.

I know that I said secret but I thought I would share one of them here. It is fitting.

*I so want a baby that the thought NEVER leaves. I see a child on TV and think of how I want that. Then I think about all the not so fun stuff that a child brings and then I have second thoughts.

Is it worth it in the end?

Grandparent Names

Even though my parents wouldn't discuss my health situation we did talk about what my children will call them.

My mom doesn't like grandmother and anything else that is associated with it. It isn't because it would make her look or sound old. It just doesn't fit her. We have thrown names out for her for a long time. She finally came up with it.

GiGi

My dad: Papa.

Now all we need is a baby! HA!

2006 Is My Year

I have put HAVING A BABY on my resolutions list every year for the past 3 years. Every year at the mark of the next I am always disappointed.

How can I really put having a baby down as a goal for the year. We all know that it has nothing to do with us. Truly it doesn't. I mean, we need to take care of our bodies. We need to get the timing down for the deposit to the egg. We need to take the drugs that make us better. But can we really plan for a baby?

I have friends who have. They are the lucky ones.

But people like me, it just doesn't work that way. I can't make it a goal but I can make it a prayer. It is so a God thing now!

I have a month and a handful of days before I can begin trying again. There is fear there. I will not let it take hold of me though.

This is my year. 2006 is for me. It won't be about what I can't have but what I can have. It won't be consumed of wishes but will be full of strength.

I would give anything to have my miracle this year but I am not going to let it rule me. I am going to live life to the fullest, growing, moving, touching the lives of others.

Anyone want to join me?

Clarity

For Christmas we went to my parents. We also went to church on Christmas Eve and Day.

God was there. He spoke to me.

The pastor spoke about how we needed to give God the one thing that consumed us this past year. I am sure there were many people who had to really do some deep thinking. For me it was so easy. There was no need to do any deep thinking and examining. No baby, trying to make a baby, no baby, being consumed by drugs, no baby! That is what I had to give to God.

Yes, I have done it a million times. I have begged God to take my burden. I have begged God to just hold me tight and keep me still. But I needed to give over my fears.

As I prayed and thanked God tears filled me. My vision was cleared. Perfect Clarity was there. I could feel God do what I had askeds, hold me close and tight.

I am sure I will beg God again. I am sure I will have overwhelming days. But I have to continue thanking God for His Perfect Clarity!

The Truth in Dreams

It is amazing how your thoughts and worries find their way into your dreams. The hormones that I am on just magnify everything in my dreams.

Since starting this ttc journey my mom really hasn't been there for me in the way that I had hoped. She has sent me encouraging cards with "I Love You" in them. But there haven't been any words or questions.

While being home during the holiday there haven't been any questions. When my back and stomach have ached there hasn't been a word said. I just don't really understand.

Last night in my dreams I got upset with my mom and asked her why she had to just pretend like there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted to know why she ignored my problem. She told me that it was just that she didn't care. She didn't care what was wrong with me and didn't want to know. I was so hurt in my dreams. I cried and cried.

I know that she cares. I know that she is praying for us. I know that she wishes things were different for me. But I so wish she would just be there for me. Once again I have learned how not to be when I have my little miracle. During this time I wish I had my mama to listen and care for me.

Infertility Everywhere #2

The other day I was in the office at work thanking my principal and AP for letting us wear jeans. I told them how I needed to go and buy a jeans for this special day since I look awful in mine. I then said that it is because of the hormones and stupid menapausal drug. My principal says, "Lupron?"

I was shocked! I had a feeling that she had maybe had infertility problem since she had a little girl and was older. But it could have been because of her career. I was right with my first thought. She tried for 6 years to have a baby. She had endometriosis and fibroids. She had been on Lupron. None of that worked for her. Finally she did IVF. She was blessed with the most precious little girl.

Her words of wisdom for me were, NEVER GIVE UP! It is worth all the pain and trails.

Her kind words and caring eyes gave me hope! I am near the end. I will not give up!

New Jeans

Today at work we get to wear jeans. This is a big deal. We NEVER get to wear jeans. I wanted to look nice. I want to look nice so that we can wear them again.

I had a problem. None of my jeans look good on me. They stretch across my stomach wrong or give make my legs look like stuffed sausages. Or the worse case was they wouldn't zip or button.

I made a mad dash to Old Navy and tried on a couple of pairs of jeans. I have now grown to a nice new size. I didn't have time to be sad about it. I was on a mission.

Today I put the jeans on and they are okay. Nothing great or grand but at least I don't look gross.

I am sorry that all I have been talking about is my appearance but that is all that I think about these days. My plan is to get back on the wagon of losing weight and getting in shape in February once these drugs are gone!

The New Me!

Over stretched jeans.

Chunk chunk hanging over my pants.

New back stretch marks.

Bigger boobs.

Clearer head.

Solid night's sleep.

Normal body temperature.

Solid moods.

Crazy dreams.

No sex drive.

Back hurting.

HORMONES WORKING!!!

Then end is near. I feel it now!!!

This is me in a nutshell!

Femhrt: My hormones

Last night I had to open my second pack of hormones. I have two more packs to go.

As I was opening my new pack I saw the side effect sheet. Of course I opened it and looked. Yes, I know that it just causes you to become a Hypochondriac. But I couldn't resist.

I have found out why I am fat. HA! Water gain! The hormones cause sever water gain. I know, I am not eating all that healthy and I for sure am not exercising. I can at least let my self feel better with the water gain option.

Dreams

I have been having the most disturbing dreams every night. I dream about people dying. Last night it was my neighbor and my dad.

I dream about confronting people and getting into fights. A few nights ago it was with an internet friend.

I have dreamed about being sick. Being sad. Leaving my husband and him leaving me.

The only true reason behind these messed up dreams is my lovely hormones. The sweet hormones that don't make me dry anymore. They let me sleep at night. They even out my inside temperature. They stabilize my moods. Yet they cause me to have strange dreams and dull headaches.

One day I will go back to normal. I am not sure if I remember what normal is.

Hallmark

Every year Hallmark puts out their Christmas movie. Every year my mom reminds me to watch. Every year I cry like a baby. Never during the movie, only during the commercials.

I don't just cry, I bawl. I get that ugly face and sound and then the dam breaks loose and I am a mess.

This year it was a new commercial. The little boy has to do a presentation before his class. He is probably in 3rd grade. He is to tell about his life. He uses Hallmark ornaments to give details about him. He ends with a star and quickly starts to pack up. The teacher asks him why they star. He says that his mom says that he is the star of her life.

BOOOHOOOOOO!!!! I just cried. I WANT THAT FOR ME!

Of course the commercial about the teacher retiring and the former student who is now an adult coming to give him a card of thanks came on next and made it even worse.

The holiday season is just so hard with all the family and kid commericals. One just finished about how the father loves to watch his daughter while she is sleeping. He says that if you are a parent you will understand why. What about us who aren't?

Does Hallmark get you? To be honest, it doesn't even have to be really touching. I get choked up pretty easily watching tv.

The End is So Close But VERY FAR AWAY

I have had too many meltdowns. I am not myself at all. I am now a freak of nature. I am anti-me.

I have too many drugs pumping through my veins. The drugs make me blah, fly off the handle, think ugly thoughts, hurt inside, fall a part, have meltdowns, fat, ugly, hateful, sad, lonely, NOT ME!

I can feel them moving through my insides. I can feel them laughing at me. Taunting me. Calling me names. I HATE THEM!

I would give anything right now to be normal again.

I have been told my many, totally in encouragment that the end is so close. I actually got excited myself as I watch the time come to an end. But this past week the end feels forever away. The end could be next week but I just couldn't begin to see it. All I see is the now.

I will never take for granted again being NORMAL. Having normal meltdowns. Normal ugly days. Normal life.

Grumps seriously tries to help and understand but he has NO way to even begin too. I wish he could more. He finds himself just not saying or doing anything, minus today. He tries hard to pretend that I am normal. Or maybe he just forgets.

2 months 3 days till I should start going back to normal or at least close to it.

The Wicked Witch of Infertility

That is me, the Wicked Witch of Infertility. I have been AWFUL to Grumps and I guess the rest of the world. I freaked out last night on him for really no reason. I mean I can always come up with a really good reason but if I had just stuck to my word it would have all been okay. But I decided to freak out about dinner and act all wacked! Grumps just fed fuel to the fire with his remarks and lack of compassion.

Seriously what is up with me? I have even thought about skipping Christmas. Not actually skipping the day but the whole traditions bit. No tree, decorations, music and all. I have turned a slight corner with actually buying a tree. The smell is motivating me to move out of my funk a bit. But it just isn't the same.

I went to put my jeans on tonight, the jeans that just fit last week. They were WAY too tight. I have been so good with my eating too this week. At least Grumps redeemed himself with, "It must be your meds." He also told me that all of this is almost over. FINALLY something sweet came out of his mouth.

I am ready for sweet Glenda, the nice witch to come back to my house. This freak show that I create has to come to an end soon!

Happy December!

This morning on my way to work I had an idea for a post on Chickenhead, my other blog.

What songs moved you the month of November? What made your top list?

To get mine check it out here!

The V Word

I hate the V word. I hate saying it. I hate hearing it. I know it is better than the p word which is just crude and obscene. But the V word is so personal.

Today I finally to talk to a human voice at the doctor. My discharge, crampy situation never cleared up. I needed to get it taken care of soon before the pain got worse. The nurse tells me that I have Group B Strep in my VAGINA! Did she need to say that word on the phone? Where else would I have that? I didn't let them swab anything else. It was just a given to me. I had a problem with my hoohoo.

I know I should be a grown up and use the grown up word. I would just rather use the good ole trusty replacements: Hoo Hoo, Noo Noo, Hooch, Hoochie... They sound silly but to me they are much better than the V word.

Any names to add to my list?

Baby!!!

Oh boy do I want one!!! or two or three or four!

My time with my drugs are coming to a slow crawling end. I cannot wait to start temping. To start obsessing. To start freaking out every month.

I never thought I would say that. I used to hate the morning routine of grabbing my thermometer and shoving it into my mouth with as little movement as possible. I hated waiting for the beep and then trying to remember what my temperature was so I could record it later. I hated the BFN and the stupid amount of money I spent on those dumb tests. I HATED it all!

But now I can't wait for all of the chaos to begin!

2 months, 1 week, 3 days to go!!!

Thankfulness

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I LOVE Christmas and the meaning that it brings to my life but I love Thanksgiving and meaning of family.

Growing up as a kid every year we would gather around the table and share what we were thankful for. I used to dread that moment. I felt embarrassed sharing those kind of things with my family. My mom always went over the deep end. It would take way too long as the food got cold.

One year we had to bring a Bible scripture to table to share with our "What We Were Thankful For" list. I brought Psalms 100. I was getting older and beginning to truly understand the meaning of Thanksgiving. Family.

Since then it has been my favorite. I love the food that my mom makes. The time of laughter that we all share. I loved the games and movies we would watch once everything was cleaned up. I enjoyed laying close to my mom on the couch, feeling so close and loved. I loved eating the leftovers and dessert for the rest of the day. Making dinner whenever you were ready. I loved the friends that would pop over unannounced.

Being married has thrown a small kink into the family Thanksgiving. Grumps works all the time. There is really no point in taking that little bit of time off for the holiday when I only get 2 days off from work and my family lives at least 13 hours away from me. Now I can only dream of what is going on at home. I call and listen to the family get lunch together. I call to share the deals that I found while shopping. I laugh at what we ate and how lazy I was in the preparations of it.

Thanksgiving isn't the same but I am still very thankful.

I am thankful for my amazing husband, Grumps. He can drive me crazy sometimes like no other but then other times he can melt my heart.

I am thankful for my dog, Itsy. Yes, that sounds so silly but she has brought so much joy into our lives where joy was slim.

I am thankful for my family. We never see each other but life doesn't change when we are together.

I am thankful for my friends. My friends have turned into my family. They have carried me when the road got too long.

I am thankful for health and health to come!

I am thankful for my job, home, things, and life.

Most of all I am thankful for my God who loves me more than anyone can possibly show love.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Even though I am 2 days late.

If you are a Chickenhead reader then sorry for the repeat!

Grossed OUT

I just did a search on Google for pelvic exams. I didn't think I would really actually see pictures of one. Yep, many pictures of pelvic exams. I guess I am pretty niave to think otherwise.

If you would like to see what one looks like, just do a little image search! I will not be posting any of those pictures here.

I didn't need to see them. I am now scarred for life!

Let me know if you did a little search of your own! It is like a car crash!

Another Fun Moment

Just in case I had all of you worried, I am not rotting on the inside! I have a lovely bacteria infection thingy. How do I know that?

I called my doctor, well actually the nurse. They actually called me back in no time and wanted to push me in for an appointment. THAT NEVER happens. Remember the phone tag and the week of wait? I was shocked and for sure wanted to get in. But I wasn't prepared.

You may ask, "Prepared for what?" That is what the nurse said to me.

Prepared for my lovely hoohoo exam.

Thank God I actually shaved today or I would look more monkey than human. As for my lovelies, they weren't ready. Neither was my mind.

When you know you are going to get looked at you do some mind preparation. You psych yourself up for it all. I didn't have that option. So during my exam I kept talking and tried not to picture what was going on. I tried to push it all away.

I just love the fun little moments I get to experience in this journey!

Hormones

I love my new hormones! I love actually having estrogen back inside me. I never thought that missing that one little thing could make your life a living hell.

Now that I have that little hormone back in my body, my world is such a different place. I sleep at night. My hot flashes are gone. My moods are under control. I feel like me again. I actually have a sex drive. THAT will save my marriage if nothing else. (Not like it is falling a part but my Grumps sure has been deprived a tiny bit!)

I love my little blue box that has the little round pills that I pop out right before bed. I actually get excited each night as I pop it into my mouth. That little pill means my life is getting closer to normal. It means that my countdown is soon to becoming to an end.

I think I am in love with hormones!

My Insides

Sorry for the complaining ahead of time but it just seemed like here was a good place to place them.

My insides hurt. My lovely green goo is gone but the cramping is still here. My lower back hurts. My ovaries or at least that area hurts. It is like I am ovulating but way more intense.

Of course my thoughts go to the worst. I keep thinking that my insides are rotting away. Grumps on the other hand says that it is the Lupron eating the bad stuff away. Logic tells me the eating part should be done by now. Am I dying?

I know that I say that in jest but seriously why do I hurt? Infection? I need to call my doctor but we know how great they are about returning my phone calls, not to mention the holiday is coming up.

Anyone out there have any great sound advice?

One more little one in heaven

A dear friend of mine lost her little one to heaven a couple of weeks ago. She had been praying for this baby for a year. She was so surprised when she got her BFP and could call herself a mom.

She never thought that God would need her little one. She never thought she would have to say goodbye. I am very proud of her and how strong she has become through this.

I have never been there. I don't know what it is like to lose something you have been begging God for. But I do know what it is like to do the begging. I do know what it is like to have your heart hurt so bad.

There are so many babies in heaven. I can just hear them play. When we get there, what an amazing sight will it be to see all those families brought back together.

Sarah, your little one will be waiting for you. It can show you around God's big place. I love you! Your next miracle will come soon.

Praise You in this Storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And thought my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

by Casting Crowns Lifesong

This song says it all!!! When it comes on my iPod I turn it up and sing with all I've got! I will praise Him through it all! He is my strength!

Infertility Everywhere #1

It amazes me how many people I have bumped into who have or had infertility issues.

I talked to a lady today from work who told me that if I ever wanted to talk she understands where I am. I never thought she had been effected by infertility.

She tells me her story.

She had been trying to get pregnant for over 8 years. She had trouble even having a period. She talked about her awful experience with Provera and how it made her crazy. Finally after many tests, drugs and miscarriages, the doctors found that she had a genetic disorder where her body could not hold on to her babies.

She told me that when it is time to stop trying you will just know. It is hard when your family has kids. It is hard when people try to help and let you know that they know someone who finally got pregnant. She said that it does get easier but the tug in your heart never goes away.

She has made a life choice and has to live with it. She will not have children. Now I understand why she is the way she is. Now I have a personal connection with her.

We are everywhere!

You would be so proud!

You would be so proud of me! I was actually naughty with Grumps last night! I feel so much better about myself!

It must be the added hormones! I love hormone replacement therapy!

Laughing Points #4

Today I on my way to the doctor I had to go to the bathroom so bad. I knew that I had to hold it for that dreadful pee in a cup moment. When I got to the office I asked the receptionist if I could go ahead and pee in a cup. That wasn't a problem.

So I went in and 'wiped up' so that they could get a clean sample. I started to pee in the little cup and guess what I did? Yep, you guessed it. I peed all over my hand. I had to laugh at myself. I was thinking of getting home and telling the world about my stupid mistake.

Here's my question? Who thought up the whole pee in a cup idea? Seriously, how can you really predict your pee and your hoohoo?

Shocked

It is done! My last shot is finished and in my body. The countdown begins. At least it is a manageable time frame now. 3 months.

As I was waiting in the doctor's office I actually found a magazine that wasn't related to babies or parenting. I was totally shocked and amazed! It made sitting in a room full of preggo bellies way better. I should have said something to the staff but I didn't want to look like a dork. Doctor offices need way more magazines for us infertiles.

1,000 Mark

I can't believe that I am almost at my 1,000 mark!

As you click onto my little blog, will you do me a favor? Will you go and check my counter? If you are Mr./Mrs. 1,000 viewer, will you please shoot out a nice little comment to me? I want to send you a big prize. ::BIG SMILE::

Last Shot of Hope

Today I went and purchased my last shot of hope! I decided to call it that after thinking about how I will be so glad when I am done with this drug from hell; yet it is my only man made hope.

At the drive thru of CVS I just loved the little conversation that I had.

"Ma'am, Do you have any questions about this drug?"

Me: "Nope."

"What is your address?"

Me: "Blah blah blah blah"

"Um, (with a look of concern) it says here that I am to ask you about the price of this. Do you know that this drug is expensive?"

Me: "Ha! Yep!"

"Okay, well, um, the price is..... $397.00"

Me: "Yep! That would be the amount. This is my third and last shot of this little expensive drug."

By now her eyes have popped out of her head and she shakes her head, "yes" back to me. I bet she had a nice little conversation in her own head.

"What the heck is this for? Who in their right mind would purchase that? Is she dying? I really wonder why she needs that drug? WOW, I would hate that one. I need to memorize the name of that drug and look it up later. I can't wait to find out. She must be crazy!"

At least that would be the conversation in my head if I were here.

I hope this little shot of hope works!

My Year

I am now 30! I can't believe how time has flown by! I remember my 7th birthday that I had at Chucky Cheese. I remember my 13th. My parents gave me this HUGE bash! I remember turning 16 and being able to go out on dates without another couple. I remember my 20th and getting a basket of gifts from my mom. I remember last years hoping that I would get my BFP before I turned 30.

Now here I am 30 and my life goals haven't exactly all been accomplished. I have had a lot of reflecting time. Some of this time has been a nice little pity party. The other bit of time has been how I can make this year great.

I have decided to declare this year MY YEAR! My 30th year of my life is MY YEAR! I am taking charge! I WILL get my BFP! I WILL have my little miracle! I WILL celebrate life! I know, you might say that I am putting myself out there for more disappointment. NOPE, I am taking over and demanding a few things!

Anyone else want to join me?

Still Hate

I still hate my doctor! We have played phone tag all day and still no answer to my green goo! YUCK!!!

Maybe tomorrow, but I won't be home! I am off celebrating my big new decade of a birthday~!!!

I HATE!!!

I hate calling the doctor with a question and not hearing back from them until way after they have closed.

I hate when you do call them they aren't open.

I hate that when you call them back and they should be open and they still aren't!

I hate making phone calls anyway, much less leaving a message for all to hear about your hoohoo with green water coming out of it as my students are coming into my classroom.

I hate wearing panty liners because of the green goop!

I hate the green goop that looks, feels, and smells just not so fresh. (sorry for the TMI, well not really.)

I hate thinking that my insides are rotting and no one cares. Boy am I on a roll and getting quite dramatic!

I hate anything to do with my hoohoo!!!

Any other hates?

Laughing Points #3

I don't know if this is too funny. Okay K, my neighbor thought that it was.

You know that sleep is not all that great these days. That leads to a Lupron brain as I call it. I feel like I live in a fog. I forget things. I drop things. I just can't do much sometimes.

I have been trying to get packages together for different people. Many are way late gifts. So I get my little sister's package together. As I write her address I thing, "I am not sure that is right, but I guess it is." I finish up the address and put it away. Grumps had a break in his day where he could mail all the belated gifts. I was so glad to get them in the mail.

Today when he came home he had a package under his arm. I thought, "Yes, an early birthday present." He tells me that he has something that I need to look at. I needed to look closely at the envelope. As I look at it I say the address and soon realize that it is mine. I addressed my sister's package who lives no where near me to myself.

I have completely lost it!!!

K could not stop laughing! I have mush for a brain!

One of Those Ladies

Today I checked the weather and saw that the temperture was going to warm up during the day. I thought, "One last chance to wear summer clothes, capris, short sleeves and flip flops." Yes I was chilly this morning, but I knew that midday I would be HOT!

I passed a fellow young teacher in the hall. She told me that I was dressed for the summer. Wasn't I cold? Then she laughed and said that I looked like MB, the perfect picture of menopause. She wears capris and tank tops in the winter. When it is snowing out she stands outside to cool off!

I am now known as One of those Ladies, MENOPAUSAL!!!

Out of No Where

It is so interesting that the day when life is really tough and every area is full of stress, the world wants to know how you are doing. I can go for months without anyone asking or checking on me, then one day 5 people ask and want the details.

I thought they all were nice to think about me and really want to know how I was doing. It was just a bad day and the added questions caught me off guard. I had so many hot flashes today my pits were permanently wet.

I don't want anyone to think I didn't like the 'attention' or 'support' it was just strange how it hit out of no where!

My Husband

This last shot of Lupron has really been tough. My first shot really effected my body. It created crazy side effects. I thought that my second shot would just continue along the same path. Nope, it created a new list plus the old. My biggest problem has been my moods. They have been all over the place. I will be fine one minute and then the next minute I am yelling and ranting about nothing. I know that most woman are like that on a normal basis, but not me. I am laid back and pretty even. Along with the moods come the "I don't cares." I just let life pass me by with no problem, that includes the dog, the house, everything.

My husband has been so faithful to me. I have been the one in our marriage to do the 'home' things (except for the vaccuming, putting the clothes away, trash and windows). But since my last shot and my moods I have just let it all go. My husband, better known as Grumps, instead of getting onto me like he normally would, has just silently taken care of my life that I have let pass me by. When the laundry gets piled up he starts it and puts it away. When there is no food in the house, he orders dinner. When the dog is driving me crazy he takes her and plays with her. When I have problems sleeping, he sleeps in the other room. When I don't want to have sex (which is all the time), he doesn't push but lets me be.

Grumps has been amazing. He hasn't been demanding for much. He has been my solid ground. He has held me and just let me be. He kisses my forehead and lets me know that life will get better.

Grumps I LOVE YOU!!!!

I See YOU!!!

I just saw that 6 people were reading my blog. I am so nosey that I had to add that function to my blogs. I want to 'see' people when they are on.

Now there are just 2!

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE without commenting! I want to know who you are and what you think!

My Girls

I love my girls! You know who you are!

Thank you to those who have listened to me and put up with all my woes.

Thank you for taking me out and making me laugh so that I don't sit and cry.

Thank you for seeing life through my eyes these days and getting frustrated with me.

Thank you for praying for me more than I pray for myself.

Thank you for all the kind words, hugs, and true support.

Thank you for tearing up when you know that my heart is breaking.

Thank you for getting that look in your eyes and smile on your faces when you think about my time to share my baby news.

Thank you for the phone calls, emails, chats, notes, presents, invites, evenings, and time!

Thank you for just letting me be me and still loving me in the end.

I love my girls. KISSES!!!

Eating

I have never loved food more than I do right now in my life. I have also never eaten food the way I have lately to make me happy. I guess it is pretty sad but I eat like I just don't care.

I used to way a lot more not too long ago. I worked really hard to get it off. I kept it off and was very fit up until we started trying to conceive. Then food became my comfort, my happy when life just stunk.

This summer I ate and drank like food didn't have fat and calories that stick right on those unpleasant places. It was so bad that I couldn't fit into my work clothes. I had to go on a shopping spree the night before I went back to school. I hated my body then. So disappointing. I got off that little weight that made my clothes uncomfortable. Now I just eat like I don't care. I really love it. I am aware of what I eat but it is just more fun to eat and drink and be merry.

Tonight I celebrated that tomorrow is Friday. I had 3 martinis, a salad with loads of dressing and salmon, 8 layer dip, and the night is still young. HA! There is almost nothing better than eating to put a smile on your face.

What is the one food that just makes all the bad seem faraway?

Picture

I have been told that my new picture isn't very flattering. That in fact it is scary. Does anyone have any better ideas? I am tired of seeing myself looking over my shoulder looking naked. HA! Help me be catchy and creative!!!

I need a new face!

Who Needs Sleep? #2

Today I was talking to an older lady that I work with. I told her how I didn't sleep well last night. I told her that I assumed I would sleep since I did over the weekend but that I woke up often instead. She told me that my sleep or lack there of sounded like her nights. She said that she had reasons for her sleeplessness, OLD but I didn't. I said, "DRUGS."

She had forgotten and then had this look on her face. She said that knowing what it will be like when you are old will just make you want to not be old even more. Is that ever true. I can only hope that menopause is kinder on me than Lupron. Lupron SUCKS! But someone told me today to keep my eyes on the prize. A baby!

Who Needs Sleep?

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she's three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell mew what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what your getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second Worldl War

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found
With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid

By Barenaked Ladies

Last night I thought that I would be able to sleep. I slept so good over the weekend that I felt there would be hope for the night. I never have a problem getting to sleep. As soon as my head hits the pillow I am gone. It is the middle of the night is the problem.

I wake up for the bathroom. I wake up to throw the covers off. I wake up to push the dog off me. I wake up to get some water. I wake up to stare at my husband. I wake up to check the clock again. I wake up to pray for the world. I wake up to my alarm.

By morning I have dark circles and a hang over. I have tried sleeping pills but if I don't get the perfect hours of sleep I have a HUGE hang over and can't function.

These crazy drugs! I have learned to pray for the world in a very effective way. I have also enjoyed my longer nights. I am dreaming of the day where sleep comes and stays so easily! Maybe it will be tonight!

Exhausted

That word sums up me right now. I am tired beyond words this week. I am tired body, mind and soul. This journey is wearing me out. This week is in slow motion. I feel like I am walking through thick mud and not making any progress. I am in last place in this infertility race today. Everybody is passing me by. It is amazing to even be lapped. How frustrating. How tiring. How... EXHAUSTING!!!

Today I have decided that this journey is the hardest place I have ever been. Maybe it is just because I am in the middle of it and the end seems so far away. But it is just so hard. I feel lost and hopeless. I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling alone even though I know I have the most amazing support group ever! I am tried of watching everyone getting their dreams as I sit on the sidelines. I am not bitter. I am just tired.

Tonight I tried to think back to what normal feels like. I don't remember. When life is normal and drugs aren't present is life this tiring? Do you feel sluggish? Does your body feel old? Do you hurt one minute and feel fine the next? Are you this emotional? I am ready for NORMAL!!! I have no answers. I don't even have a road map. All I know is that I am exhausted.

I, this blog is for you. I am not dead yet.

Do's and Don'ts: #1

I have decided to give some do's and don'ts for anyone who is going through infertility or just trying to get pregnant.

Do trim up when you go to the doctor. Trim everytime you go. You never know whent they want to 'take a look' down there. I went once just knowing they were only going to do bloodwork. They decided that they needed to do an exam as well. I wasn't prepared mentally but especially physically. I tried to explain that to the nurse. She told me that he has seen much worse. That still didn't help me. I want to be remembered as 'the one with everything trimmed!'

Don't use K-Yjelly or any lubricant like it if you are trying to get pregnant. I learn this after a year of trying. My doctor looked at me like I was stupid. It isn't on anything. Noone had told me. But now I know.

If you have any do's and don'ts please do share. I will work on posting them once a week.

Put a Smile on My Face

This moment just flashed through my mind as I pig out on dump cake! It made me smile!

I went to the doctor for my first Lupron shot. The doctor wanted to give the shot in my upper butt. As he was trying to find the right spot he tells me, "I sure wish you weren't so thin and had more meat back here to get a hold of." I got the biggest smile on my face! He couldn't have said anything else to make my day any better! I didn't have enough meat on my butt! HA!!!!

Now that my last shot is up and coming, I thought I would help out the doctor and add some more padding back there! Boy, I think I need some more dump cake!!!

Laughing Points: #2

After my Lap I was in the recovery. I was still super groggy. I could hear my doctor talking in my ear and the nurses around me trying to wake me up. I felt awful! I started to feel like I needed to go to the bathroom. I started murmuring about it to the nurse. Next thing you know, she has stuffed a small bedpan between my legs. I pushed and pushed and felt like I had made success. The nurse lets me know that there is nothing there but blood and shoves a pad between my legs this time.

Then I really began to wake up. I started to hurt. But guess where? Right down south. I then thought I would let everyone else know how bad I hurt. I shouted out "Man I feel like I just had sex with an elephant." The nurse just looks at me. Most people would have laughed. But she just stared. So I thought, maybe I should yell it out again. MAN, I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAD SEX WITH AN ELEPHANT!!!

I guess that comment let the nurse know that it was time for me to leave. When I got back to my mom and friends guess what I did again? I yelled about my elephant that I had slept with! The nurse was so embarrassed and told me that I needed to stop.

I had everyone laughing at this point! I began to giggle too!!!

Laughing Points: #1

It is funny how in a very 'not so fun' situation we can find humor. Maybe it is a way to cope. A way to deal with the awful moment. Maybe it is just truly funny. The funniest part being you shouldn't be laughing or you are the only one laughing, in your head. (I will stop the rambling and get to my laughable points)

Have you ever had a Post Coital test? Oh the joys of testing. My husband and I had done the due. I headed to the doc for that great momenting of checking out the love juice. I had to undress and just 'hang out' on the table till the doc arrived. The nurse was so excited because this was her first test of this kind. She was just all excited. HA! As I am sitting there where I sat kept getting wetter and wetter. I was so embarrassed. But it only got worse. It started to run down my leg. Great, the doc isn't even here yet! When he came into the room I just thought in my head, "how fun, he is now looking at my love juice not only in me but moving its way down me." (sorry for those faint at heart but this is a blog about infertility.)

The doctor was super impressed with my love juice. He even had a smile on his face. I had my arm across my face by this time. I am almost positive that I was blushing.

It was time for me to get dressed. When I got up from the table, there it was, that dreaded wet spot. It was HUGE! I couldn't just leave it there for all the world to see. So I balled up the paper and rushed out of the room.

Now I know that wasn't hilarious but it sure was funny in my head!

Too Tired

I know that I had said I would tell you my funny story while ttc and testing. But I am pretty pooped today! Could it be that I stay up way too late so that I sleep through the night? Man I have dark circles.

My brain is mush and so are my reflexes. I just need to sleep. Sorry for the sob story but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. I know all my fans out there have been checking and refreshing all day waiting for my story. The crowd goes wild with laughter!!!

I shall save my story for another day when I can be a lot funnier!

Funny Moments

What is your funniest moment you have experienced during your journey? I know that there aren't many but when one happens it makes you laugh out loud so hard! You want to share it with everyone but when you do, they smile but don't really get it.

Share that moment here!

I'll give you mine tomorrow!

"Happy" Hours

During this journey I have had some rotten days! I mean ROTTEN! Low, low, low days. These days would be riggered by normal things, a song on the radio, a child's smile, a pregnant belly, a comment that meant to be helpful, that little dark voice that is inside my head: "you will never have a child". The list goes on and on. On these days I would hide somewhere and cry. I wouldn't let my tears go too long. I didn't want anyone to know how week I was. On those days I could always count on my friends.

I would start with an email, "Hey guys, is anyone up for a happy hour? I really need one." That is all I needed to say and they would drop everything to go be 'happy' with me. Very rarely did we talk about what was making me not so happy. We would drink good margaritas and eat catfish. I would talk about sex and other inappropriate things. We all would laugh! By the end of the night my load had been lifted!

I love my support group! My friends that drop their world to help pick up mine. These friends pray for me and remind me of my hope!

I thank God for those 'happy' hours and most of all the best group of friends anyone could have!

Neglecting

I feel like I am neglecting this blog! I want it to be insightful and helpful so I over think things here. I want to be free here! My plan is to give this blog just as much love and attention as I do Chickenhead With Cold Feet!

'Helpful People'

Now this post isn't about those that have truly been my support. This post is for all those out there who try to be 'helpful'. The 'helpful' are those who think they have the answer for infertility. They don't think before they speak. Yes, don't get me wrong, they try super hard to help. They actually think they are truly helping. I don't hold a grudge. I don't hate them. But I sure do get irritated by them.

Here's my list of 'helpful' words from those 'helpful' people:

*Just relax and you will get pregnant.
*Stop stressing and your time will come.
*When you think too much about it, it is like waiting for water to boil.
*Your time will come.
*This is just preparing you to be a great mom.
*You are young.
*You have plenty of time.
*Get a dog, it will do the trick.
*Stop temping and it will happen.
*Get your mind on something else.
*Start the adoption process.

I am sure there are many other 'helpful' comments out there. Feel free to add your own. Let's see the list grow!

Doctors and Their Offices

It is so important that you have a great connection and relationship with your doctor. It is also important that your doctor has a great staff to support you through.

Horror story! I called my old doctor and asked for an appointment to go over our test results and to move on with our game plan. I had only a window of opportunity for this appointment since my husband had the week off. The receptionist tells me that she doesn't have any openings. I asked if I could come in on Saturday. I knew that my doctor was in on Saturdays. She tells me that they don't see patients like me on Saturdays. WHAT THE HECK!!! I tried to explain that my husband's job doesn't do 'time off'. She says that there is nothing that they can do for me. It gets even better. She tells me that my husband needs to get his priorities straight. That if we want to have children he needs to check his priorities or not have any. I was so shocked and tried my hardest not to cry. I asked her if I could be put on a waiting list. She told me NO that I could call everyday to see if there were any cancellations. Finally I asked if she could do anything to help me. NOPE she said and hung up on me. I sat in my car and cried. I was so hurt and wanted to give up. I would not go back to him.

I started to pray. I wanted a doctor who understood where I was. Who would comfort me, encourage me, who would do whatever possible to get me pregnant. I wanted a Christian doctor. A friend a work found a website where I could search for Christian doctors in my area. I found 2 doctors. I went with the male doctor whose office was on my way home from work. I made my appointment. They sent me information on their office. They said that at times they would pray for their patient. That is what I needed, prayer. At my first visit my doctor spent over an hour taking down my history and planning the next course of action. He told me to start praying. After every appointment he said that we just need to pray hard! I LOVE MY DOCTOR!!!

Find the doctor that fits you! Yes mine doesn't specialize in infertility. But he does specialize in caring and prayer.

Now they could work on having magazines in their office that are not all about babies and being a parent. That will be another post for another day!

Lupron: the love/hate relationship

Lupron is the drug from hell. I am hoping that it turns into the miracle drug but right now it is the drug from hell. Here's the downlow on the drug. I have severe endometriosis. It has covered my 'everythings' and then some. Doctors aren't really sure what truly causes it and why it hits some woman and not others. But they do think that it is caused by too much estrogen. So that is where Lupron comes in. Lupron puts your body into a menopausal state. My body is now a 60ish year old woman. To all those who are in menopause my heart goes out to you. IT SUCKS!!! Here is my list of problems/side effects/menopause since my lovely Lupron.

*Hot Flashes from hell!!!* I thought I understood what a hot flash was like before I had one. NO WAY! Hot is an understatement! For all those ladies out there, here is the best way I can explain them. You know when you are about to have an orgasm? That slow hot feeling that rises through you. It creeps up hot and slow with a strange sweat. Well that is a hot flash minus the actual orgasm that we all so love. It is like never reaching the peak but just going over and over again with the heat. Sometimes they are long and slow and come on like a wave. Other times they are fast and quick and take my breath away. Remember, When Harry Met Sally and Sally has her fake orgasm in the restaurant? That is what I sound like when they come on quick. I used to think that women with hot flashes were over dramatic. WRONG!!! They should be more dramatic. HA!

*Green discharge* I haven't had this for a while but when I did, yuck is all I could say. It actually woke me up in the night. It was just like water. I woke up with wet sheets. AWFUL and GROSS!

*Insomnia* Due to the hot flashes. How awful to be awake in the middle of the night soaked and awake next to someone who is fast asleep. I have prayed for many of you during those long, slow nights.

*Exhaustion * It is crazy how tired I have been. I think I have slept great but wake up so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. Thanks to Coke Zero! It has been my lifesaver!!! I have tried sleep helps but lately the leave me with a hangover. I will just stick to Coke Zero!

*Lupron Brain* I can't remember crap! I can't keep a cohesive train of thought. After doing some reading I found that this is from lack of sleep! It never ends, this viscous cycle.

*NO SEX LIFE* This wouldn't be such a bad thing if I weren't married. My poor husband is so deprived. I try to do "other things" to make him happy but it still isn't the same. I hate the thought of sex. It hurts like nothing other! I am dry as a bone. Even if I think I am turned on like crazy, DRY! I have tried many helps but nothing helps the pain. I even bleed a bit afterwards. It is just awful. I hope my husband knows that I love him without the sex.

*Itchies* At one point I had this mysterious itch. It woke me up in the night. I tried creams and benodryl. Nothing stopped it. Later I found out that I had shingles. HA! Way too funny!

*Weight Gain* Just call it the CHUNK CHUNK. It also didn't help that I spent most of my summer in bed watching tv and having 'fun' drinks to lift my spirits. I had to make an emergency run to Target and Walmart the night before school started so I could have something to wear. AWFUL! I am too tired to workout!

*The Blahs* I am a super up beat person. I let everything just roll off my back. Well the blahs are awful for me. They make me just want to curl up in bed and never get out again.

*MOODS* My name is Sunny! Therefore I am usually Sunny! With my last shot of this drug, Lupron hit my moods in such a bad way. I now have balls. Before I would just do whatever and never really speak my mind. Now my moods are out of control. I go off and freak out over everything. I hate this part of me!

*Zits* Self explanatory!

*Facial Hair* I love having a nice peach fuzz on my chin.

I think I have touched on all the ways how the drug from hell has effected my life. I have one more shot left. Lets see if I can add anything to the list. Thank God with the next shot I get some add back hormone therapy!

I am hoping that at the end of this journey with Lupron I can take the hell out of it and put the world Miracle!